So just after I posted my last blog about peace, the peace feeling left. Actually it was while I was writing it but I decided to post it anyway because what I experienced was still true. Last night was a rough night. It wasn't because of anyone else, my brain just wouldn't stop thinking and analyzing and replaying and none of it was positive. I woke up feeling pretty crappy. I skipped the class I never skip and set my alarm for an hour so I could go to my next class. During that hour I had a headache, kept tossing back and forth and my shoulders kept popping out of place (strange, yes. frustrating, extremely). I couldn't get to sleep, I couldn't even nod off. I was in so much pain and discomfort physically and emotionally not only in that hour but in general that I was basically planning how to say goodbye to everyone. I finally found a position that didn't make my shoulders crack or my headache worse and 5 minutes later the alarm went off. I wanted to go back to sleep but I made myself go to class so I wouldn't fail my final next week. After class I typically go to my room but I decided to go to lunch early. My mood lifted when I passed by the dessert display and noticed my two favorites: Blue jello (which they haven't had all YEAR) and blondies (which they only have every few weeks). I gave God a thumbs up but was still sad that I was eating alone. After I was done eating I was ready to go mope some more and try to go back to sleep (which I fully plan to do after I finish this blog). I decided to check my email just before and I saw something suspicious in my mailbox. I was going to delete it but I decided to take a chance. This is what it was:
too scared to say has sent you a message using your contact form at: http://www.wix.com/nhcomfort/ZayBeMe/page 8
Senders email: trillion_thoughts@hotmail.com
Gender...Jesus was 100% human and 100% divine. God is not bounded by gender... I wonder, if God was on earth, is there the possibility that God could be genderless. God is almighty. That would be no big task. Jesus could have been born a trans. Gender is a social construction. Some cultures have 3 genders or more....sorry i'm rambling.
As for your mother, things must be very hard for her too. She always had it in her head that she had a daughter and probably imagined, while you were still in her womb, how you would grow up to be. At this point she is in major denial. Hopefully one day she can understand. It is unrealistic to think your parents will be ok right off the bat with you being different than their image of you. Eventually God will help them understand. Patience is a virtue. I'm sorry that they are not being supportive at this stage of your life. The whole thing is new, to them at least. I imagine your mother throws the bible at you out of desperation and not knowing what else to do, more than anything else. Each person will try to use the bible to their advantage and out of context. The bible is filled with amazing stories full of truth. At times we focus on the wrong meaning of truth. We focus on the literal meanings instead of the messages that God tries to get across. We get caught up in our own interpretations of things and we skip over the important lessons. It is not fair to use the bible to make others feel badly about themselves (including all other negative feelings). There is something inherently wrong about using the bible as a weapon in such a way. Sometimes when people do not know much about something they freak out... God makes no mistakes. You are going to help so many other people who have been marginalized by society and Christians. You remind Christians that everybody can be led to Christ; God invites them to, and no human can revoke an invitation from God. Like Frodo from Lord of the Rings (sorry if you haven't seen that movie), it wont be an easy task, but you were chosen for a reason. Frodo is my favorite chracter because although he is the smallest one out of the whole group and he is also the most scared, he musters up the courage to do what he was chosen to do. As you have mentioned, people have said that God gave you the parents you have for a reason. True. What if you were chosen as their son to help them understand what unconditional love is? Christianity is central to them and they are surrounded by several Christians who think the same way they do. By helping them understand unconditional love, you are inviting other Christians to understand. You are challenging what they believe to be dogmas and that ain't easy.
You were not born fully male or fully female. We come in all different shapes and sizes, it is really a great thing. How wonderful that our God Almighty can create such wonderful beings, all so different. You are wonderful. It is too bad that our brothers and sisters treat each other, including you, in such nasty ways....
You are a light and will teach people many things. You already do. Like a lighthouse, you will guide many people from rocky waters onto stable land. Although you yourself might feel unstable at times, just remember God is your anchor. Along your journey God will bless you with more anchors, friends you can count on to help you. You are not alone. I pray that one day your family will become one of your strongest anchors.
All the best,
An unexpected someone/ "acquaintance" who cares for you more than you know...
PS Have a blessed day.
So yea...unexpected someone. You rock. Thanks for caring. I hope you end up reading this so you know how much it meant to me.
Over n Out
--Zay
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Peace
After a couple weeks of being constantly angry and crying every time my head hit a pillow, I decided to pray the same prayer I did a little over a year ago. The result? The same wave of peace. I don't feel the guilt I felt just a couple of days ago of ruining my family, of sending people off in the wrong direction. God reveals new things and refreshes the old things. Though my parents are currently extremely unsupportive and have skipped the "what did I do" to go straight to "you're ruining the family", I'm more optimistic than I was before. That doesn't mean I've forgotten what they said or that what they said was ok. I just have faith that one day, the words will be different.
A lot of people have told me that before I start hormones I should be going through a significant amount of therapy, as in a year or more. But who is a better counselor than God? When you start therapy you have a significant part of the process which is dedicated to getting to know you and your background as a patient but God is the one who created us and is omniscient. Who better knows how the human brain works than the one who gave it its function? That's what I think about that.
I had something else today but the A.D.D. I may or may not have is in full force and my brain is in a million places at once and so are my fingers. I'll update if I remember. Oh! I remembered.
Testosterone is very important to me. VERY important. But I think that I would feel better about not having it if even just my family and those close to me could see me as male. I think if they realize that I am a person outside of being a name that they gave me or outside of being their daughter, it'll be easier. We are not our bodies or the labels we've been assigned, even the ones we've chosen. We are souls. The bodies allow us to interact with one another.
That was jumbled but I hope you got the gist.
Over n Out
--Zay
A lot of people have told me that before I start hormones I should be going through a significant amount of therapy, as in a year or more. But who is a better counselor than God? When you start therapy you have a significant part of the process which is dedicated to getting to know you and your background as a patient but God is the one who created us and is omniscient. Who better knows how the human brain works than the one who gave it its function? That's what I think about that.
I had something else today but the A.D.D. I may or may not have is in full force and my brain is in a million places at once and so are my fingers. I'll update if I remember. Oh! I remembered.
Testosterone is very important to me. VERY important. But I think that I would feel better about not having it if even just my family and those close to me could see me as male. I think if they realize that I am a person outside of being a name that they gave me or outside of being their daughter, it'll be easier. We are not our bodies or the labels we've been assigned, even the ones we've chosen. We are souls. The bodies allow us to interact with one another.
That was jumbled but I hope you got the gist.
Over n Out
--Zay
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Caught in the Middle
I feel like I have no place to rest my head and I'm wondering if this is a common feeling or if it's reserved for a select few. I feel as though I don't belong anywhere and I think that is part of the reason I get so lonely all the time. It doesn't matter if I'm with my best friend or a group of people. I always feel alone. Yet I prefer being physically alone. I'm not sure if it's out of habit or because I don't have to pretend to be present when I'm always inside my head. I don't feel at home here at school or in the house I grew up in, with my family or with anyone else's, being christian or someone who thinks gay people are more than their label or someone who is pro-choice or thinks that common sense should be used more often than the old testament to create rules. Just when I make friends, I realize that I will still be alone. I don't like partying, drinking or smoking or being around it so middle school, high school, and now have all been pretty lonely in that regard. I just feel like whenever I find a place I think I can rest my head, someone rips the pillow from beneath me. It's lonely being in the middle. Everyone's for you and everyone's against you. Sometimes I feel like even God is...or even myself.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Why Am I Here?
I've been pondering that question a lot lately. Why am I here when I feel there is nothing for me here? To have fun? I'm not really having any to be honest. It's probably partially my fault but regardless, I'm still pretty funless. I think it's because my idea of fun is different and so when all my friends are out having their kind of fun, I'm stuck alone.
To love? I know I'm only 18 but really what I want most is to be the sweet, caring husband and the cool dad. But finding someone I'm attracted to, who's attracted to me, wants to adopt, doesn't mind that I lack a penis and doesn't want to have sex is pretty hard to find. I also need someone who realizes that the world doesn't revolve around them and doesn't fish for compliments or thrive on arguments. Let me tell you, nobody is looking my way and I have a feeling the woman I'm looking for is 40.
Why should I go to school? To accumulate my first 3 years salary in debt? To learn things of little to no relevance to my life as it is now or how it will be? To say I went? To get a job where I where a suit instead of a uniform? Speaking of work...
Why should I agree to spend my life working? What benefit is it to me to bend over backwards for someone else, someone who doesn't appreciate who I am or what I do? Why should I agree to spend my life being a small cog in a machine? For comfort? My parents work hard and we still can't afford a vacation. For food? I don't believe people should have to work for basics. Anyway, if I don't eat, I won't have to ponder these questions anymore.
And why do I have to be a combination of the things everybody hates: black, american, lgbt affiliated, christian, liberal...
I think the worst part of this is that I didn't ask to be here. If I had, it'd be a different story. But I'm here as I am and caught in the middle of seemingly every crossfire. What can one do when even sleep becomes unappealing?
--Zay
PS sorry for the downer.
To love? I know I'm only 18 but really what I want most is to be the sweet, caring husband and the cool dad. But finding someone I'm attracted to, who's attracted to me, wants to adopt, doesn't mind that I lack a penis and doesn't want to have sex is pretty hard to find. I also need someone who realizes that the world doesn't revolve around them and doesn't fish for compliments or thrive on arguments. Let me tell you, nobody is looking my way and I have a feeling the woman I'm looking for is 40.
Why should I go to school? To accumulate my first 3 years salary in debt? To learn things of little to no relevance to my life as it is now or how it will be? To say I went? To get a job where I where a suit instead of a uniform? Speaking of work...
Why should I agree to spend my life working? What benefit is it to me to bend over backwards for someone else, someone who doesn't appreciate who I am or what I do? Why should I agree to spend my life being a small cog in a machine? For comfort? My parents work hard and we still can't afford a vacation. For food? I don't believe people should have to work for basics. Anyway, if I don't eat, I won't have to ponder these questions anymore.
And why do I have to be a combination of the things everybody hates: black, american, lgbt affiliated, christian, liberal...
I think the worst part of this is that I didn't ask to be here. If I had, it'd be a different story. But I'm here as I am and caught in the middle of seemingly every crossfire. What can one do when even sleep becomes unappealing?
--Zay
PS sorry for the downer.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Another Something Awesome
Letter to a Young Transgender Christian
Dear ________________, I’m humbled and honored that you are comfortable enough with me to see me as that “older and wiser” Christian you can confide it. May Christ’s love and wisdom be with us both.
As you know, I am not a transgender individual, though I know many who are. A few are genuinely close friends of mine (in fact, the closest to a “sister” I have used to be the closest to a “brother” so I know of what you speak, even though my knowledge does not lessen your grief or sense of bewilderment or your fear — fear of losing friends, most importantly fear of losing your family. This is not something anyone your age, or any age for that matter, would willingly choose. Though I have not experienced the pain which you express, I’ve seen it in the lives of people I love and care a great deal for. Being transgender and keeping strong in your faith is hard, I know. My heart goes out to you in your struggles.
Before I go any further, I wanted to remind you of something which I’m sure you know but can easily lose sight of in these times: you are a child of God! God loves you compassionately and more deeply than our limited human vocabulary or understanding can express. When we say, God loves us, it is such an inadequate expression of the reality in which we live, move and have our being. So, in your pain, in your suffering, in your fear, God the Father is still there, loving you no less than when you first became aware of God’s love; God the Son is still there, having been fully human, experiencing the pain and fear and reality of rejection himself; God the Spirit is still there, praying for you, St. Paul wrote, in ways that you cannot even begin to express, comforting you, bathing you in the knowledge and reality of the Triune God’s presence in our daily lives.
Don’t lose sight of that, no matter what comes down the road. I am so often comforted by St. Paul’s words found in his letter to the Roman Christians: “...for I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Allow me to paraphrase: “Nothing, my young friend, nothing — not rejection by your so-called friends or fellow students at the Christian college you attend, not persecution, not being treated like a pariah, not being kicked out of your church, not being temporarily rejected by loved ones, not your own feelings of self-doubt or even self-hatred, not your doubts about your own sense of self or your faith — nothing, nothing, nothing can get between you and God’s love for you in Christ.”
And many of those transgender folks (and a lot of the non-heterosexual folks I know) have had, and some still do have, a genuine Christian faith. They, like you, love God as revealed in Jesus of Nazareth, and seek to live out their Christian commitments in their daily lives. And there is a significant number of them who have, having been treated so harshly by their churches and by their Christian friends and loved ones, turned their backs on the Church, even to the point of rejecting their faith. I pray you never come to that point; but I also understand why so many of them do. I have come close to that point several times in my own life.
Like you, they all were faced with a variety of reactions from their fellow Christians and from those organized religious bodies of which they’ve be a part. Those reactions vary from immediate revulsion and rejection to an uninformed questioning about just how to respond.
In fact, — and here’s something I really hope you can understand — I’d say that transgender folks, in a lot of ways, present a much more difficult and deeper challenge to the Church as a whole and to individual Christians than do homosexual folks. And in a sense, this meeting of gender expression and Christian expression requires a little more patience on the part of folks like you. Let me explain.
For many Christians, the whole “gay” thing is easy, pretty much cut and dried. They point to two or three passages from the Hebrew and Christian scriptures — I’m sure you’re familiar with the most important: Leviticus, Romans, I Corinthians — and say, See, it’s clear. Having sex with someone of the same gender is considered sinful activity (at best, at worst they call such folks all sorts of hateful names). For more and more Christians, thankfully, it’s still easy, pretty much cut and dried. They interpret those passages in such a way as to take into account the historical and cultural contexts of those statements and say, The gospel is all about inclusion. Whosoever. What we experience today and call homosexual relationship is not what is being spoken of in those passages.
So, for both sides, they have what they feel is a pretty clear understanding of the biblical material and are comfortable in that understanding. The organized expressions of the Church — you know, those pesky entities known as denominations — are slowly catching up with those individuals. Slowly, but surely. Eventually, I believe, in those denominations which take the Bible seriously, as opposed to their version of literally, the gender of the person another person is in love with will not be an issue. Responsible, truly biblically based sexual ethics will eventually carry the day. It’s just a matter of time.
It is a matter of time, however, because people’s hearts and minds, formed by so long a history of bias and misinterpretation, are slow to change. That’s where patience on our part is needed. We can’t expect people who have been lied to for so long by their church leaders, even well-meaning ones, to be able to shift their attitudes overnight. And let me tell you very quickly, as much as you may want to, we can’t argue them into accepting our interpretation of the Bible. I had a professor in seminary who used to say all the time, “Belief cannot argue with unbelief; it can only preach to it.” That’s so true in this case because the most effective way a person’s thought and feelings are changed on this matter is simply by getting to know those faithful, loving, fellow Christians who happen to be homosexual, to one degree or another, in their orientation or transgender in their self-identification and expression — in other words, by the preaching of their faithful and loving lives.
But gender expression is, in so many ways, another matter altogether, my young friend. There’s no passage in the Bible that you can point to, regardless of how you interpret it, that speaks to a person strongly identifying themselves as one gender while their outward, physical appearance is the opposite gender. It just ain’t there. Or at least I’m not aware of it.
Now sure, there are those who will argue from the Bible that there are only two possible genders: male and female. After all, isn’t that what we read in the Genesis stories? God created humans; male and female.
While that may be true biologically in terms of genetics, when it comes to gender expression, we all live on a continuum and move back and forth on that continuum. Actually, you could read that Genesis text through a “gender lens” and say that humans, all of them, are male and female; that we all have masculine and feminine aspects in our personalities. Gender expression, after all, is a social construct, not a biologically determined fact of life. Sex is, our genetic makeup is, with rare exception, we are born with either male or female physical characteristics. But that doesn’t say a thing about how you are supposed to feel on the inside. In your case, you were born with the physical/genetic makeup of a male, but feel so strongly in your inner self that you are not. While what you may see in the mirror when you stand naked before it tells you that you are a man, your soul, if you will, is telling you that you’re a woman, not a man. And I’m not aware of a single word in either the Hebrew or Christian scriptures which speaks to that. And I know there’s nothing in there to tell us how men are supposed to look and behave and how women are to look and behave. Society and culture do that for us. They play a very large role in telling us how males and females are supposed to present themselves — from hair styles to the kind of clothes we wear to what activities we’re supposed to enjoy. And I think it’s the exception rather than the rule for anyone to have exclusively male characteristics in their behavior or exclusively female characteristics. My observation and my own experience bear that out.
This is all to say that while the Church, while individual Christians may think they have the whole sexual behavior thing figured out, when it comes to gender very few of them do. They don’t quite know what to make of transgender folks like yourself. Gay they understand. Straight they understand. Bisexual... well, most of them understand. But a biological man, as in your case, who really is convinced that there is this great incongruence between the inner self and the outer self: that, that they really have a hard time wrapping, as they say, their minds around. And you and I have to admit, that’s somewhat understandable.
Many Christians still have not quite grasped the truth of which St. Paul wrote in his letter to the churches that were in the region of Galatia: that in Christ, gender is out the window, so to speak, that in Christ there is neither male nor female. For whatever reason, they unfortunately still see one gender as superior to another. So especially when it comes to a biological male self-identifying as female it, you might say, disgusts them. This same failure to see the equality that is found in Christ when it comes to gender is actually behind, or underneath, a lot of the so-called homophobia among Christians as well, especially when it comes to male homosexuals, for in their view it involves a male acting like a female. a superior acting like an inferior — or to be a little more “Old Testament,” owners acting like property.
By the way, you may be interested to know that the proposed DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders changes “gender dysphoria” to “gender incongruence” because it’s felt that “incongruence” better describes what’s really going on; an incongruence between what you experience and express when it comes to gender identification and — and this part is really cool — how you are expected to live based on your assigned gender.
But back to the response of the Church and individual Christians to you: what is not understandable — and in my mind, what is not permissible — is for those Christians who can’t quite “get” this whole transgender thing to reject someone God has not rejected, to turn away from someone to whom God is always turned, to call disgusting that which God as Creator has pronounced good.
How I pray I can help you to understand that: that you, as both a creation and child of God, have been declared by that Creator God, including the gender incongruity which exists in your life, as good.
You asked me, “How can I love my neighbor as myself, when I hate myself?” My heart broke when I read those words, yet at the same time I understand their source. That self-hatred has, to a large degree, its roots in the voices you’ve heard all your life and are hearing now in the rejection of you by your parents. It is not God’s voice, but it is, nevertheless, very powerful. I like to say it is a powerful voice which has no authority.
You even alluded to this in your letter when you said, “I still have echoes that come into my mind, telling me that being transgender is a sin and that God is punishing me because of it.”
Hearing those voices is an experience which we all who are “different” share. We’ve heard it from pulpits and parents, from friends and faith leaders. They have no authority to say such. God has pronounced you good. In fact, I’d argue that “being” something is never a sin. “Doing” something may be. Historically that’s how Christianity has defined sin (though I have some problems with that definition): transgressing the law of God. That’s behavior, not a state of being, not of essence. After all, we’re talking about inherent dignity here; we’re talking about what the Bible, in numerous places, refers to, one way or another, as the image of God. Yes, that’s it: My young transgender friend — you — yes, you — are the very image of God.
So my young friend, realize that this effort, this struggle, to bring your inner and outer selves into agreement is not going to be easy. But then God never promised easy. It will not be free from pain; but then God never promised pain free lives. Consider the life of our Lord, filled with both soul pain and body pain.
It well may created a great, temporary gulf between you and your parents; but you are not responsible for how your parents react. You are not acting in an “unloving” or disrespectful way by being true to yourself. Not at all. You haven’t “done” anything to them.
Go slow, I ask. Go slow as you explore this part of yourself and don’t make rash, uninformed decisions. Learn from others; learn from your mistakes. Think of it like getting to know a different you; getting to know anyone takes time.
And in all of this, be aware of God’s loving, accepting presence in your life. Wrap yourself in that awareness, in that love and acceptance. Pray. Pray often, daily, through out the day. Pray that God will work in your parent’s hearts; pray that you will be kept safe and act wisely. Pray that your love of Christ will only grow deeper through this. Pray that as you graduate and expect to be “forced” out into the world that God will give you your daily bread and provide for your needs. As you mentioned, “count your blessings.” Rejoice in God’s love; rejoice in your ongoing discovery of yourself.
I look forward to our continuing conversation and be assured of my prayers. And, in your life and mine, may the spirit of Christ be lived out.
http://david-gillespie.blogspot.com/
Dear ________________, I’m humbled and honored that you are comfortable enough with me to see me as that “older and wiser” Christian you can confide it. May Christ’s love and wisdom be with us both.
As you know, I am not a transgender individual, though I know many who are. A few are genuinely close friends of mine (in fact, the closest to a “sister” I have used to be the closest to a “brother” so I know of what you speak, even though my knowledge does not lessen your grief or sense of bewilderment or your fear — fear of losing friends, most importantly fear of losing your family. This is not something anyone your age, or any age for that matter, would willingly choose. Though I have not experienced the pain which you express, I’ve seen it in the lives of people I love and care a great deal for. Being transgender and keeping strong in your faith is hard, I know. My heart goes out to you in your struggles.
Before I go any further, I wanted to remind you of something which I’m sure you know but can easily lose sight of in these times: you are a child of God! God loves you compassionately and more deeply than our limited human vocabulary or understanding can express. When we say, God loves us, it is such an inadequate expression of the reality in which we live, move and have our being. So, in your pain, in your suffering, in your fear, God the Father is still there, loving you no less than when you first became aware of God’s love; God the Son is still there, having been fully human, experiencing the pain and fear and reality of rejection himself; God the Spirit is still there, praying for you, St. Paul wrote, in ways that you cannot even begin to express, comforting you, bathing you in the knowledge and reality of the Triune God’s presence in our daily lives.
Don’t lose sight of that, no matter what comes down the road. I am so often comforted by St. Paul’s words found in his letter to the Roman Christians: “...for I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Allow me to paraphrase: “Nothing, my young friend, nothing — not rejection by your so-called friends or fellow students at the Christian college you attend, not persecution, not being treated like a pariah, not being kicked out of your church, not being temporarily rejected by loved ones, not your own feelings of self-doubt or even self-hatred, not your doubts about your own sense of self or your faith — nothing, nothing, nothing can get between you and God’s love for you in Christ.”
And many of those transgender folks (and a lot of the non-heterosexual folks I know) have had, and some still do have, a genuine Christian faith. They, like you, love God as revealed in Jesus of Nazareth, and seek to live out their Christian commitments in their daily lives. And there is a significant number of them who have, having been treated so harshly by their churches and by their Christian friends and loved ones, turned their backs on the Church, even to the point of rejecting their faith. I pray you never come to that point; but I also understand why so many of them do. I have come close to that point several times in my own life.
Like you, they all were faced with a variety of reactions from their fellow Christians and from those organized religious bodies of which they’ve be a part. Those reactions vary from immediate revulsion and rejection to an uninformed questioning about just how to respond.
In fact, — and here’s something I really hope you can understand — I’d say that transgender folks, in a lot of ways, present a much more difficult and deeper challenge to the Church as a whole and to individual Christians than do homosexual folks. And in a sense, this meeting of gender expression and Christian expression requires a little more patience on the part of folks like you. Let me explain.
For many Christians, the whole “gay” thing is easy, pretty much cut and dried. They point to two or three passages from the Hebrew and Christian scriptures — I’m sure you’re familiar with the most important: Leviticus, Romans, I Corinthians — and say, See, it’s clear. Having sex with someone of the same gender is considered sinful activity (at best, at worst they call such folks all sorts of hateful names). For more and more Christians, thankfully, it’s still easy, pretty much cut and dried. They interpret those passages in such a way as to take into account the historical and cultural contexts of those statements and say, The gospel is all about inclusion. Whosoever. What we experience today and call homosexual relationship is not what is being spoken of in those passages.
So, for both sides, they have what they feel is a pretty clear understanding of the biblical material and are comfortable in that understanding. The organized expressions of the Church — you know, those pesky entities known as denominations — are slowly catching up with those individuals. Slowly, but surely. Eventually, I believe, in those denominations which take the Bible seriously, as opposed to their version of literally, the gender of the person another person is in love with will not be an issue. Responsible, truly biblically based sexual ethics will eventually carry the day. It’s just a matter of time.
It is a matter of time, however, because people’s hearts and minds, formed by so long a history of bias and misinterpretation, are slow to change. That’s where patience on our part is needed. We can’t expect people who have been lied to for so long by their church leaders, even well-meaning ones, to be able to shift their attitudes overnight. And let me tell you very quickly, as much as you may want to, we can’t argue them into accepting our interpretation of the Bible. I had a professor in seminary who used to say all the time, “Belief cannot argue with unbelief; it can only preach to it.” That’s so true in this case because the most effective way a person’s thought and feelings are changed on this matter is simply by getting to know those faithful, loving, fellow Christians who happen to be homosexual, to one degree or another, in their orientation or transgender in their self-identification and expression — in other words, by the preaching of their faithful and loving lives.
But gender expression is, in so many ways, another matter altogether, my young friend. There’s no passage in the Bible that you can point to, regardless of how you interpret it, that speaks to a person strongly identifying themselves as one gender while their outward, physical appearance is the opposite gender. It just ain’t there. Or at least I’m not aware of it.
Now sure, there are those who will argue from the Bible that there are only two possible genders: male and female. After all, isn’t that what we read in the Genesis stories? God created humans; male and female.
While that may be true biologically in terms of genetics, when it comes to gender expression, we all live on a continuum and move back and forth on that continuum. Actually, you could read that Genesis text through a “gender lens” and say that humans, all of them, are male and female; that we all have masculine and feminine aspects in our personalities. Gender expression, after all, is a social construct, not a biologically determined fact of life. Sex is, our genetic makeup is, with rare exception, we are born with either male or female physical characteristics. But that doesn’t say a thing about how you are supposed to feel on the inside. In your case, you were born with the physical/genetic makeup of a male, but feel so strongly in your inner self that you are not. While what you may see in the mirror when you stand naked before it tells you that you are a man, your soul, if you will, is telling you that you’re a woman, not a man. And I’m not aware of a single word in either the Hebrew or Christian scriptures which speaks to that. And I know there’s nothing in there to tell us how men are supposed to look and behave and how women are to look and behave. Society and culture do that for us. They play a very large role in telling us how males and females are supposed to present themselves — from hair styles to the kind of clothes we wear to what activities we’re supposed to enjoy. And I think it’s the exception rather than the rule for anyone to have exclusively male characteristics in their behavior or exclusively female characteristics. My observation and my own experience bear that out.
This is all to say that while the Church, while individual Christians may think they have the whole sexual behavior thing figured out, when it comes to gender very few of them do. They don’t quite know what to make of transgender folks like yourself. Gay they understand. Straight they understand. Bisexual... well, most of them understand. But a biological man, as in your case, who really is convinced that there is this great incongruence between the inner self and the outer self: that, that they really have a hard time wrapping, as they say, their minds around. And you and I have to admit, that’s somewhat understandable.
Many Christians still have not quite grasped the truth of which St. Paul wrote in his letter to the churches that were in the region of Galatia: that in Christ, gender is out the window, so to speak, that in Christ there is neither male nor female. For whatever reason, they unfortunately still see one gender as superior to another. So especially when it comes to a biological male self-identifying as female it, you might say, disgusts them. This same failure to see the equality that is found in Christ when it comes to gender is actually behind, or underneath, a lot of the so-called homophobia among Christians as well, especially when it comes to male homosexuals, for in their view it involves a male acting like a female. a superior acting like an inferior — or to be a little more “Old Testament,” owners acting like property.
By the way, you may be interested to know that the proposed DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders changes “gender dysphoria” to “gender incongruence” because it’s felt that “incongruence” better describes what’s really going on; an incongruence between what you experience and express when it comes to gender identification and — and this part is really cool — how you are expected to live based on your assigned gender.
But back to the response of the Church and individual Christians to you: what is not understandable — and in my mind, what is not permissible — is for those Christians who can’t quite “get” this whole transgender thing to reject someone God has not rejected, to turn away from someone to whom God is always turned, to call disgusting that which God as Creator has pronounced good.
How I pray I can help you to understand that: that you, as both a creation and child of God, have been declared by that Creator God, including the gender incongruity which exists in your life, as good.
You asked me, “How can I love my neighbor as myself, when I hate myself?” My heart broke when I read those words, yet at the same time I understand their source. That self-hatred has, to a large degree, its roots in the voices you’ve heard all your life and are hearing now in the rejection of you by your parents. It is not God’s voice, but it is, nevertheless, very powerful. I like to say it is a powerful voice which has no authority.
You even alluded to this in your letter when you said, “I still have echoes that come into my mind, telling me that being transgender is a sin and that God is punishing me because of it.”
Hearing those voices is an experience which we all who are “different” share. We’ve heard it from pulpits and parents, from friends and faith leaders. They have no authority to say such. God has pronounced you good. In fact, I’d argue that “being” something is never a sin. “Doing” something may be. Historically that’s how Christianity has defined sin (though I have some problems with that definition): transgressing the law of God. That’s behavior, not a state of being, not of essence. After all, we’re talking about inherent dignity here; we’re talking about what the Bible, in numerous places, refers to, one way or another, as the image of God. Yes, that’s it: My young transgender friend — you — yes, you — are the very image of God.
So my young friend, realize that this effort, this struggle, to bring your inner and outer selves into agreement is not going to be easy. But then God never promised easy. It will not be free from pain; but then God never promised pain free lives. Consider the life of our Lord, filled with both soul pain and body pain.
It well may created a great, temporary gulf between you and your parents; but you are not responsible for how your parents react. You are not acting in an “unloving” or disrespectful way by being true to yourself. Not at all. You haven’t “done” anything to them.
Go slow, I ask. Go slow as you explore this part of yourself and don’t make rash, uninformed decisions. Learn from others; learn from your mistakes. Think of it like getting to know a different you; getting to know anyone takes time.
And in all of this, be aware of God’s loving, accepting presence in your life. Wrap yourself in that awareness, in that love and acceptance. Pray. Pray often, daily, through out the day. Pray that God will work in your parent’s hearts; pray that you will be kept safe and act wisely. Pray that your love of Christ will only grow deeper through this. Pray that as you graduate and expect to be “forced” out into the world that God will give you your daily bread and provide for your needs. As you mentioned, “count your blessings.” Rejoice in God’s love; rejoice in your ongoing discovery of yourself.
I look forward to our continuing conversation and be assured of my prayers. And, in your life and mine, may the spirit of Christ be lived out.
http://david-gillespie.blogspot.com/
Long Time No See
So I realize I haven't been on here in a while. I moved all my blogging endeavors to my website which I put the link somewhere on this thing. It's gotten all fancy but yea. I'm mostly using it for blogging at the moment but if you click around, you can see that I'm gonna use it for a lot and put a lot into it. Hope all is well
-Zay
http://zaybeme.webs.com/
-Zay
http://zaybeme.webs.com/
Encouragement #2
Some of these are from a while ago. I just forgot to include them in my first one
I usually think formspring is silly and insipid, but I think I've really learned something from reading yours. I admire the way you answer the questions you get because you are poised and polite, while still being articulate. I think it's interesting that you are so devoted to God when Christianity seems so against the LGBT community. I think that shows you understand the heart of the Christian message under all the superficial orthodoxes. You are a wonderful strong person who doesn't need labels!
- Anonymous via formspring
I love you and want you to be happy! Live love and laugh lots!
- Anonymous via formspring
dear yanna, i just saw your post about formspring. love it!
you have my full support. as well as my girlfriend. that's right, my girlfriend. if you ever need to talk to someone i'm here for you.
- Family friend
HEEEEEYYYYY. i just watched your video (very funny by the way, lol frisbee sports). congratulations! I'm so proud of you for being so strong through all the times when no one really knew how you were feeling and for being so strong now. i am so excited for you to finally be who you feel you truly are!
- DSC (Dance Studio Crew) member
ayanna.
i am so honored that you included me in that vid. you know you're my best friend for forever. have you talked to your mom? if you need to talk tomeeeee or whatevaaaa
i love you!!!
and i'm so proud of your for coming out.
- DSC (Dance Studio Crew) member
Absolutely brilliant! Congrats on a great piece. I honestly think you should submit it to some film contests - maybe even Sundance. I know its very personal though - but you do such a good job of covering and responding to all the angles. I am so proud of you for being brave, for being so talented, and for being you. Keep on keepin' on. Much love to you!
- Awesome teacher-friend
STILL my hero.
- Awesome teacher-friend
I usually think formspring is silly and insipid, but I think I've really learned something from reading yours. I admire the way you answer the questions you get because you are poised and polite, while still being articulate. I think it's interesting that you are so devoted to God when Christianity seems so against the LGBT community. I think that shows you understand the heart of the Christian message under all the superficial orthodoxes. You are a wonderful strong person who doesn't need labels!
- Anonymous via formspring
I love you and want you to be happy! Live love and laugh lots!
- Anonymous via formspring
dear yanna, i just saw your post about formspring. love it!
you have my full support. as well as my girlfriend. that's right, my girlfriend. if you ever need to talk to someone i'm here for you.
- Family friend
HEEEEEYYYYY. i just watched your video (very funny by the way, lol frisbee sports). congratulations! I'm so proud of you for being so strong through all the times when no one really knew how you were feeling and for being so strong now. i am so excited for you to finally be who you feel you truly are!
- DSC (Dance Studio Crew) member
ayanna.
i am so honored that you included me in that vid. you know you're my best friend for forever. have you talked to your mom? if you need to talk tomeeeee or whatevaaaa
i love you!!!
and i'm so proud of your for coming out.
- DSC (Dance Studio Crew) member
Absolutely brilliant! Congrats on a great piece. I honestly think you should submit it to some film contests - maybe even Sundance. I know its very personal though - but you do such a good job of covering and responding to all the angles. I am so proud of you for being brave, for being so talented, and for being you. Keep on keepin' on. Much love to you!
- Awesome teacher-friend
STILL my hero.
- Awesome teacher-friend
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