Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A Bit of Encouragement

"I’ll pray for you, you pray for me, I love you, I need you to survive" Hey Ayanna, you truly are loved. This world is much better with you in it. You are a very loving person. I dislike all the institutional aspects of religion, but you embody the gist of it. Love. Jesus loved all, no matter what SOCIETY labels those who r different. Religion is not meant 2 put others down, don't listen 2 the them. Hopefully w/time they will undrstnd. Harness who u r hun. You are a pillar 4 many. Love you.
--Anonymous on Formspring

Hi dear. so i haven't talked to you in forever. but i thought I would tell you how amazing you are anyways I'm glad you are finding your way. don't ever give up.
--Anonymous on Formspring

i don't like the way people are treating you on formspring. you are who you are. you're a great person and a great friend.


--Anonymous on Formspring

I can't get to the rest of them :-/ maybe some day I'll figure it out

My Realization and Shoutout to the Jehovah's Witnesses

I realized that I'm at a genuine impasse right now. When I weigh the pros and cons my choice is obvious but because the stakes are so high, I can't help but wonder "what if they're right?".

My parents said something that really shocked me when we were "talking" this spring break. They said that everything God says isn't equally weighted. I was really doubtful of this because I feel like if God is the beginning and the end, the light in the midst of darkness, creator of the universe, and everything else he's credited with, he wouldn't say something one day and then later on dismiss what he said. But I haven't read the whole bible so I consulted someone who had. He was raised Jehovah's Witness and passed his test at an early age so he really knows his stuff. He told me I was right. I wanted more back up and I thought "who better to ask than seasoned practicing Jehovah's witnesses" because they have a table set up almost everyday outside. I will say that the Jehovah's Witnesses are SERIOUS about what they believe. They are taught never to just tell you something when they ask a question, they show you too. They are in church ALL the time, or in bible study, or out recruiting. So I know they'd be able to really tell me what's up. I was too intimidated to walk to the table myself so I asked my ex-J Dub friend to go ask for me. After about 20-30 minutes at the table with me about 100 feet away, I saw a mix of emotions and lots of bible showing. At the end of it all the answer was still that everything in the bible has equal weight.

I learned something else today. I'm taking a christianity class this quarter in school. The professor said today that Christianity wasn't a "religion" because it's focused more on an individual rather than a set of principles like Buddhism for example. It's just labelled as one for comparison purposes. Yea we have "rules" but according to my good friends the J-dubs, the rules are up to interpretation. This seems kind of shaky coming from a religion that esteems itself so highly on "what the bible says" but here's what I figure. The difference between Christianity and other religions is that we have a personal relationship with the most important "figure" while other people simply worship or revere theirs. That's why we call him the heavenly father. Now with that image in mind (heavenly father), do you listen to everything your father has ever said without challenging him or coming to your own conclusions as you grow older? Christians seem to think that getting more mature in Christ means you learn to follow more rules as strictly as possible but rules are just there to guide you. You have to be commanded things until you realize why they make sense and learn to do them on your own. Then you decide how to live your life based on what you've learned just from living and maturing.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Christianity's main message is about love. So to me, the rules that make most sense are the ones aligned with that. Don't kill, steal, talk about people when they're not there, LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR, you know, the basics. Now if you want to get specific, there are a whole bunch about what you should do to women who aren't virgins or who cheat (aka being executed) or saying that if you don't fence your roof, you're going to hell because someone could slip off and die so basically you're a murderer. But some specific things can't cary over to now. People don't readily climb onto strangers' rooftops and we don't typically allow stonings or stake burnings. It's like when your mom told you not to stand next to microwaves. They don't give off radiation anymore so you can watch your food cook as closely as you like. Or when you're instructed not to touch the stove. Well now you're 30 with a family of your own. Are you ready to touch the stove yet?

So why do people think homosexuality is the ultimate sin? Can't this be something outdated? You can justify anything you want with the bible. Anything people are uncomfortable with.Capitalism, socialism or communism. War or peace. I saw a play the other day and one part of it was a pastor talking to his son saying that people were starting to talk about the fact that he (the son) wasn't married. We later found out that they were saying he could be gay (and he was). The thing that struck me the most is that the pastor completely ignored the fact that the people were GOSSIPING which is just as clearly denounced as homosexuality. See how people pick and choose? I'm telling you. Decoupage.

--Zay

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My Awesome Dream and How It Affected My Day

So I want to start off by saying that my main identity is not "trans" though it seems to be the only thing I ever talk about. It's just that at this time in my life, it's weighing heavily on me every minute of every day. Why? I am in the process of starting hormones while my parents think that I have decided to "become a girl". And a slew of other things that make this more difficult that it is for some. I think it's hard because my parents disapprove (which is not a unique situation) but instead of disowning me, kicking me out, and cutting me off, they are pulling me closer to keep an eye on me and to get their influence back as parents (they are convinced that this could be none other than the devil's idea, that I've listened to people in Highschool and now college who have fostered and maintained the devil's whisper). So it's like I've lost my family but at the same time they won't give me a moment's peace. I find myself praying that they'll hate me (which is actually not a new thought) so I can transition and be happy with myself and get on with my life. Instead I'm in this limbo. I feel like Mrs. Doubtfire trying to go back and forth between being male and female. But that's not the point of my blog...though it does give the setting.

What this is about is the dream I had last night. It was an awesome dream. I don't remember how we got to this place but my mom was doing the same stuff she always does, introducing me deliberately as her daughter, letting even those who weren't even interested know that, yes, I have a vagina. I was upset and ended up wandering the halls by myself. I entered a room and this lady was in there. She saw I was upset and asked me what was bothering me. I actually told her (my clue that it had to be a dream as I am quite tight lipped most of the time). She was very educated on the subject and reacted with a mix between shocked at my parents reaction and refusal to understand, and concerned for my state. She told me to wait where I was. She returned in about 3 minutes with my mom. My mom saw me and of course was upset. The lady started explaining everything to her. Why it happens (which, in real life, no one knows for sure), what it feels like and why I felt the need to take steps to physically alter my appearance. As she was explaining, my mom put her arms around me. As my mom began to understand more and more, her embrace got tighter and tighter as she realized all the pain I was in and that some of it was her fault. I accepted her silent apology. She agreed to help me pay for hormones and surgery and to just be there for me in general as we ride home in our...moving truck? But yea...we got home, I stayed in the car to call my friend and tell him what happened and we were both flabbergasted. My dad came out and said something adorable and country like he always does, something like "Well I guess we got a lot of work to do, don't we?". Yea the hormones, yea the surgery, but the support and the healing process too.

Then I woke up.

Instead of that motivating me to start my day with a positive attitude, it completely destroyed me. I didn't want to get out of bed, not just for the usual reasons but because I wanted to stay in my dream world. I didn't want to go back to the way things are now. I shuffled to the bathroom to brush my teeth, threw on anything I could find and shuffled to class. The whole walk I was in my head, just paranoid. Who was looking at me? Were they wondering if I were a guy or a girl? Did I even pass anymore? Do I just look like a stud? Do they even see me at all? Berating myself the whole walk. About 15 minutes into my class I began to experience anxiety (or rather my anxiety I'd been feeling since I woke up worsened). It'd been a while since I'd had a panic attack so I didn't exactly know what was happening or how to deal with it. My brain wouldn't shut up! I was distracted thinking about how distracted and unfocused I was. I just wanted to get up and run anywhere, away from my parents, away from expectations, away from school, away from stress and away from my situation. At the same time I just wanted to melt into the chair and end up in heaven or at least 10 years from now.

I got back to my room and thank God my roommates weren't there. I had a 30 second argument with myself whether I should cry or just sleep and another 30 second argument about whether I should get up earlier and eat or sleep as long as possible. I chose to sleep and for as long as possible. I woke up and was able to make it through the next class (however boring) but still have been too distracted and depressed to do any homework since I got out at 3. I am seriously considering dropping out of school. I feel so numb that I don't know what I'm studying or why I'm studying it. I feel like I'm doing my best with mediocre results and this quarter is starting out very inauspiciously. I don't see it getting much better, the way things are going.

I promise I'm not one to drag others' mood down but I seem to be in a valley right now. Sorry if I depress you. I figure it's better to get it out and if my parent's ever decide to care about how I feel or decide to listen to me instead of blame it on the devil, it'll be there for them. Hope your day was loads better than mine. Off to dream another dream. No expectations

--Zay

Monday, March 29, 2010

Low Point of the Day

It's times like now when I find myself wanting to somehow melt into the earth. Discouraged and confused. Re-thinking and re-thinking and re-thinking until I just want to turn my brain off. As my appointment with Dr. Maddie Deutsch, I get more and more depressed knowing how big of a decision this is, not just for me but for everyone. My parents don't support me. They say they love me but the things they say do all harm and no good. Things like "you're beautiful" hurt just as much as telling me I'll never be a full man, that they'll never see me as their son and that I can't be a Christian and trans at the same time. The majority of my friends are Christian and a good portion of them are PKs (pastor's kids). Some are understanding but I wonder how much they're not saying. I hear what they say about gay people and I'm hurt because I know that to many being trans is worse. It's been so engrained into our brains as Christians that I feel two things: 1. It's actually right and by doing this I'd be hurting more individuals than helping and maybe even lead some to hell or 2. It's wrong but because it's something so enforced, no one will listen to me. Either way I'm scared. I honestly don't want this job. I don't want to preach, fight, or argue. I just want to be me. I just want to be happy.

But I also know that God doesn't bless things he doesn't support. I see lots of LGBT people with God ordering their steps whether they realize it or not. I see them blessed with happiness and loving marraiges, success, children, great jobs and friends, and believe me, all of that can be hard to come by without someone watching out for you. At the same time I see a bunch of LGBT thirsty for something more, something spiritual. The church rejects them and so they either choose a different religion or create their own kind of church. They understand the love and "no coincidences" portion of Christianity but add in other things as well. Now I'm not saying that these are invalid because I believe that everything has power. I just think you have to be careful which powers you tap into. I'm not trying to convert anybody, I just want to show them that the members of the club may not like them but the club's founder has already accepted their application.

It also bothers me that LGBT people have to create their own versions when they shouldn't. The division within the Church is what makes it weak. It's hard to be a force of egotistical hypocrites and affect positive change. I've even met people who leave the church because of the hypocrisy regardless of their sexual orientation. People cut and paste the scriptures to put together the picture they want like a decoupage! But for some reason Christians are offended when members of the LGBT community use scripture to check those who slander them. They feel as though they are taking things out of context, picking and choosing to prove a point and perverting the scriptures. I realize that that's not the case. We are only pointing out the parts they have swept under the rug so that we can see the bible as a whole. I also realize that to "decoupage" and sweep certain things under the rug is to assume to know God's mind. Arrogance, hypocrisy, hatred.......we are so close but so far.

As much as I want to give this up, to just ignore my feelings about myself, my life and my "religion", I can't. Even as I hold back tears wondering about the future, my family and my salvation, I know that I could never be happy as I am. I am just as miserable presenting as female as I am in this limbo. The only difference is a glimmer of hope. I can see myself as a father, a husband, a coworker, a brother, a friend, just not a son. At least not now. When I picture myself in my male body, I can never picture it with my parents in the same frame. I only picture smiling with them, hugging them when I am about 25-30 (I can't tell cuz you know black don't crack =] ). Maybe that is part of it. God does say that the most effective way to change someone's point of view is to lead by example. It just sucks that I'll have so many people rooting for my demise.

I haven't told my brother yet. It is weighing heavily on my mind (as is everything else it seems). I want to tell him face to face but we are never alone together and I feel like electronic communication is too risky since he is in my parent's house. I feel like he'd take it well and maybe understand with a little time and a few links but I know that my parents will be a much more constant and persistent voice in his ear. It hurts me that he would end up a part of the same hypocritical majority.

I do have support though. My school is very LGBT friendly, I have friends here and from high school and former teachers (who feel more like family, I was in their offices so much). So I can't sit on my pity pot for too long. I have to fight the voices that tell me the blind are leading the blind and the learned notion that heathens and gays can't be trusted and have no sense. All of this learned internal hatred has got to go! I've got a lot of it from being black, being prep-school bred, and a member of the LGBT community. There's so much we can learn from other people, it's a shame we just are too busy or too closed minded to take advantage of the human resources we have right in front of us.

I realize I am jumping around a lot but I need to sleep and in order to do that I have to empty my brain as much as possible so bare with me just a little while more. Almost done. Promise

When I remember that Christianity is about the relationship instead of about the religion, I realize that God loves me too much to lead me astray.

Lastly I leave you with this article and this video from 3:38 (Excuse the profanity if any occurs). The two go hand in hand. Our world is in a lot of pain. He needs people willing to lower themselves into the trenches and get just as dirty. But each battle is an opportunity to move closer to God. If nothing else, I can tell you that for a fact! Jesus is officially my homie.

--Zay

Is This Right or Wrong?

I ask myself this question constantly. Am I confused? Is this a trick of my own imagination? Will I still go to heaven? Is this my own serpent in the garden? Sometime's when I've had a bad day or even just when this is weighing on me heavily, I find myself crying a tearless, silent cry, trying to focus on appearing as though nothing is wrong, subconsciously mouthing things like, "Please kill me. I don't want this. If you kill me, I'll be forever grateful. Please take these thoughts from me. Kill me, please kill me." Every additional worry or concern brings my breaking point closer.

I try to answer the question myself but what I know and what I'm told are contradictory:

Being Zay makes me the happiest I've ever been.
Sinful things make people happy.

There's nothing in the bible concerning this topic.
God doesn't separate homosexuality and transexualism.

But what about everything that God has shown and told me? That can't be coincidence.
Everything God says can be found in the Bible. He doesn't change. The devil knows the bible too.

God says a lot of stuff in the old testament that aren't considered valid today. Why is homosexuality treated differently? Didn't God say everything with equal authority?
NO! See? We've studied our bible more and we know things you don't know yet. You're too young. You think you know everything. You know a lot but you have a lot to learn.

God told me that I'm here to challenge people's limits of love. I'm an example that God has children of all types.
You're here to convert gay people to straight people and show them the error of their ways, not to join them.

This is who I am. I love God and for once I love myself.
You can't do this and serve God.

But...this is who I've always been. I just have a name for it, the same as any diagnosis.
I should have guarded your internet activity more. These aren't you're thoughts. The devil planted them and made you think they were yours. That's how he tricks us. You've been deceived. You just can't see it yet.

So now I'm afraid to be myself because I'm not myself, I'm afraid to pray because what God shows me is actually the devil and I'm afraid to think because I don't have my own thoughts. But here's the thing: I know what it's like to be in the dark and to have thoughts implanted that aren't my own. Where does the bible say that you have to be miserable, to fit inside some mold in order to praise God and in order for him to love you. Where does it say in the bible "Some things I've said are to be taken more seriously than others"? And who are we to assume and assert that we know what God thinks?!?! "Christian" means to attempt to be like Christ, not to be Christ. If we are following his example, we should LOVE over everything else because that's what God has given us unconditionally; His love. Christianity isn't about religion, it's about personal relationships with God. That being the case, if God wants someone to change, he'd tell them, wouldn't he? He would convict them. That's not our job. Our job is to show everyone else his unconditional love.

Perfect example. When asked what the most important commandments were Jesus said that we should have no god above God and to LOVE our neighbor. He doesn't say "Thou shalt not be gay". That didn't even make the top 10. So why is it #1 on the todo lists of 9 out of 10 people who call themselves Christian? Being trans isn't the worst thing to be, nor is transitioning the worst thing I could do with my life. It can only improve my quality of life as I begin to trust and love myself. I'm the only person I always have to live with. I believe that God put me here to tell those who have been ex-commuted by family and the church that God still loves them just as much and to tell the church that too.

I'm not just taking this and running with it. I still ask myself that first question but I'm starting to ask God instead of myself more often. I'm learning to trust that he will catch me if I fall, I'm learning to share my burdens with him, I'm learning to dance in the rain and see the blessing in the storm. I think of all the ignorance within the church and immediately feel overwhelmed. I ask him to PLEASE take this cup from me if at all possible. I pray that if I have this situation all wrong, he'll change my heart and mind to that of a typical female so I can live my life more peacefully (at least in this area). But as I pray those prayers and wait for his answer, he sends someone or something to let me know I'm right where he wants me to be. Today's someone: my friend Solomon, a fellow Christian transguy with the same vision as me. Todays something: Cammie's song - A blog written by the mom of a young MTF (male to female), also Christian. It let me know that I'm not the first, nor the only. The battle will be a tough one but "...Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." 2 Chronicles 20:15

--Zay

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Fresh Start, New Me

So since I stopped blogging the first time and since I've come back, I've done a lot of growing. I'm also a much happier person and I realized that if someone were to read this from the beginning would be listening to a completely different person. Well not completely different...but a different me. So I thought I would just definitively lay out everything I'm doing these days.

I'm working on a Website right now. It's up but I'm not done with it yet. It's to more fully document my transition and to bring pretty much the rest of what I'm about to say into one spot. It'll have pictures, videos, (if I can figure it out) a direct link to this blog (of I'll just copy and paste), lots of links and a place where you can ask me questions, etc.

I still have my Youtube. I'm uploading more often and I'm always taking topic requests. Plus, I have a fancy new computer so I can make them cooler :)

That's about it as far as online stuff. I have a formspring and a tumblr and a twitter. I just got the formspring so I'm not sure exactly how to use it. I don't use my tumblr much and I haven't used twitter in a while but they all intrigue me so maybe I'll try harder to update everything in my life. Lol

As far as offline, I'm now single. I'm not on hormones but I have my appointment April 14th. No name change, no surgeries. I came out to my parents once but that didn't go well so I'm working on my second time and hopefully last.

I'm in a constant state of self-discovery and analysis, trying to be the best person I can be. It won't do me any good to be on hormones but still not like who I am. So that's where I am now.

Over n Out
Zay

Monday, March 1, 2010

Dysphoria Blues

Yea...so I feel like shit...and I don't cuss often. I'm starting to slide back into those feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. Every day that passes with no hormones and no surgery in sight makes life feel less and less worth living. This depression is getting in the way of studying or doing anything really except sleeping and seeing this girl I like. Being around her makes life hurt worse but only temporarily. When I'm by myself, the headaches come back, I can't stay awake, I can't escape my thoughts. I can feel myself slipping back into the bad habits I resort to to deal with these feelings because I feel trapped. I feel like it's either school or transition because I only have the strength to do one...if any. Just venting I guess. But yea...that's it. And I still don't know what I'm doing for the summer. I don't want to be in my house or in school but no one even wants to give me an interview...*sigh*

Over n Out