Sunday, May 31, 2009

A Coming Out Letter

One I'll personally be using bits of. Very powerful:

Dear mom and dad, 
I know since I've come to college I've been a little distant. I want you to know that even with the dautning amounts of work that that isn't the whole reason. I've been running over how I was going to word this conversation for weeks now and I had to write it down in order for me to get my whole point across and make myself entirely clear. 

As you know or have noticed, I've never been very femenine or girly. I was never the one for dresses and bows or long hair and boyfriends. All my life I've had trouble fitting in and making friends. In grade school, my depression from not being true to who I was hit dangerous levels. I feel that the one issue I never addressed was the one that was the underlying cause.

After years of trying to ignore what my brain was telling me and trying to be a girl and trying to play the part that was never meant for me, I've come to terms with what role I want and need in the future. I've never been comfortable with this body and never thought of myself as female. Some of my earliest memories are praying to God that I would grow up to be a boy. I've thought of a million different ways to do this and thought a hundred more times about whether this was the right thing for me to do. 

This past year at school has been one of severe soul searching and trying to understand what the disconnection is between my body and my brain means. There have been many a night lying awake just asking "why" and although I have yet to find the answer, I realize that I may never find the answer. All I know is how to address the issue and move forward with my life. 

This isn't some kind of self-mutilation or any kind of social statement, but rather the culmination of many a night spent using the resources I have here on campus and talking to alot of people within the LGBT community. It's been a lifelong issue for me that I've tried every point of view on, but I'm done just speculating, going through bouts of depression and sleepless nights over this. I'm done trying to ignore that there is something wrong or hide my feelings by being fake and acting like a girl. 

I've come to recognize that my physical body does not match what my brain has thought for these past 19 years. I'm finally coming to terms with myself and how I want to deal with becoming who I know I am. As you know, coming out to you as a lesbian was something that wasn't easy for me. As much as it took me to take that leap, this one is so much more daunting. 

This is the conclusion I've come to after years of ignoring the real issue: I realize now that I'm not a female psycologically but at this point, I'm not focused on what's gotten me to this point but more to where I want to go from here. Coming out the first time was a rough task and in a sense I'm doing it all over again but this time as being transgendered. I can no longer lie to myself. I am now identifying myself as male and wish to be referred to with such pronouns. I'm beginning to use the name Brian James, not only because the male form of Bridgette is Brian but I would really like to keep the initials I was born with. 

I know this is hard for you to watch (your little girl become your young man), but know it hasn't been easy for me to come to terms with and even now it's a bit scary. This is why this summer, when I return home for summer break, I want to see a psychologist; one who can help me sort through these feelings and decide whether or not I should start hormone therapy. At this point in my life, I'm satisfied with just binding my chest. Although I'm not glad I have breasts, I dont want surgery. For each transgender, the degree of physical change needed is different and for me, I feel that hormones would give my brain and body what is so desperately longed for. 

I don't want this to upset you, but I feel that I can no longer hide what my feelings are. I wish like hell that this wasn't the case, but I can no longer take any more dysphoria and need to take the necessary steps to correct it. The realization of this necessary change is one that brings a relief of finally coming to terms with who I am. 

I know that you both love me dearly and that this is hard for you to hear, but keeping you involved and informed about my life is essential to me and I value you more than I can put into words. Even though I have other support systems in place, the both of you are my foundation and all I ask for is your continued support and love, and know that all I've ever wanted was to make you proud. 

I know this is going to have a huge impact on our lives and I know the road isn't going to be easy. I just want you to see what I see in myself and realize how much more genuiune I'm being to myself about my gender. I'm still me, and I'm still your child. I know your worry for my safety and my future will be and are great. Yes, I've encountered obstacles, but i've come to realize the world is a much more accepting place than we tend to believe. 

This letter was beyond difficult to write just because of the seriousness of its content. You've commented before on how courageous you thought I was and I only hope that you can realize that I could have never done anything without you, which is why I wanted to address this now. I feel that this is the best time suited for me to make this transition and allow me the opportunity to get on with the rest of my life. 

This isn't something i can be talked out of. I can only hope that you would approach this in a way to gain a better understanding which is why I have emailed this to you now so that we can have a more productive conversation over spring break. i love you both dearly, and know that this letter comes from a place deep within that has been trying to see the light for the past 19 years.
With all my love, 
                         Brian

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Watch This!

Skip the first minute:


This sucks royally but the ruling was as follows:  http://online.wsj.com/public/resources/documents/20090526gaymarriage.pdf

It sounds like we have another chance sometime relatively soon. I wish the president would step in.

Great Expectations (More Binder Stuff & Facebook)

10:20 or so

So hopefully my binder should be coming today! I'm really excited. I even dreamt about it. 

----------Dream Sequence---------

So I wake up and there's a box next to my bed. I open it and there are a whole bunch of textbooks and a few shirts in there. I find a note from Nick (The guy who runs the program) saying that this was so it would be less obvious what it was if my parents were to get to it first. So I go through the shirts and find the binder. I try to put it on and its as hard as everyone says but once I get it on, it does absolutely nothing. It was like wearing a tank top. So I was sad because of the long wait and also because you can't order another binder from the program for 6 months so I was stuck until at least the end of august without a binder.

-------Back to Life, Back to Reality---------

So I'm just waiting to the mailman now. On another note, my boyfriend finally broke down and got a facebook. Well one of my friends from school added him. None of my friends know either one of us is trans so they'll be confused that he has "interested in: men" and a shoutout to his boyfriend or that he's a biofemale. So we'll see how this plays out. I wanted to tell her soon anyways. Well all of my school friends. So stay tuned!


12:15 or so

Saw my mom go out to get the mail and saw my package in her hand. I was really excited but also kind of disappointed that I didn't get to it first. Then she knocks on my door:

Mom: Who's Nick Kunkel?
Me: I don't know. That's probably something I got from a website.
Mom: Well why don't we see what's in OUR package?
Me: It's not yours and I'm trying to work on my project so could you leave me alone?
Mom: Your a rude lil thang.
Me: *shrugs*
Mom: No strange men coming in the house, right?
Me: No...
Mom: Well why not just open it? *reaching around to grab it from me*
Me: I don't know what it is. It just came from a website I signed up for.
Mom: So you don't know what it is?
Me: No... *thinking "didn't I JUST say that?"*
Mom: Oh, ok.
Me:  *trying to make her forget about it* you wanna hear my project so far?
Mom: Yea, lemme here it.
Me: *plays it*
Mom: *Mentions getting together with one of her producer friends tomorrow and leaves without mentioning the package.*
Me: *thinking "mission accomplished"*

Another update/ maybe pics in 2 hours!

4:30 or so



What do you think? =D

Friday, May 22, 2009

Shoot me...

Conversation with me, my bf and my friend john:
----------------------------3 Days Ago--------------------------
(1:25 PM) Mr. Squishy: might i ask when you became a man?

(1:25 PM)
 BF: when i was 14
(1:26 PM)
Mr. Squishy: and i believe zay has told me that you are now 22 correct?
(1:27 PM)
 BF: no tht i didnt know
(1:27 PM)
Mr. Squishy: how old are you then if you dont mind me asking? im 19
(1:28 PM)
 BF: ill be 23 in aug..ur 19..young (1:29 PM) Mr. Squishy:
its cool that you and zay have your birthdays in the same month. and hey now, zay is younger than i am

(1:30 PM)
 BF: i know he is..he will be legal soon though
(
1:30 PM)
Mr. Squishy: legal for what?
(1:30 PM)
ZayJROD: of age silly
(1:31 PM)
 BF: yea..he could do whatever without parental permission is all
(1:32 PM)
Mr. Squishy: ah, i apologize. my mind went to dirty thoughts 
(1:32 PM)
 BF: hmm..well i wasnt thinking about sex..i was thinking about another type of thing..
(1:33 PM)
Mr. Squishy: as in legally being allowed to change her gender without needing parental consent?
(1:34 PM)
 BF: he isnt a her...yes that is what i meant its alot easier for him to transition after that
(1:36 PM)
Mr. Squishy: im not trying to offend anyone, but you must understand that im still working on getting used to referring to zay as a guy. ive known him as ayanna, a girl, for a VERY long time
(1:37 PM)
 BF: i understand, just try to correct urself is all..its cool

------------------Side Chat with just John as the above conversation continues------------------

1:29 PM)
Mr. Squishy: zay?
(1:29 PM)
ZayJROD: yes sir?
(1:30 PM)
Mr. Squishy: am i allowed to talk to just as you as well?
(1:30 PM)
ZayJROD: huh?
(1:31 PM)
Mr. Squishy: i feel like  he is interviewing me, to see if we should be friends
(1:31 PM)
ZayJROD: no he's not love
(1:32 PM)
Mr. Squishy: i am not saying he is, its just how i feel
(1:32 PM)
ZayJROD: what wud make u not feel like that?
(1:33 PM)
Mr. Squishy: i dont understand that question my love
(1:33 PM)
ZayJROD: what would make it so u don't feel like ur being grilled?
(1:35 PM)
Mr. Squishy: idk, to me it just doesnt seem natural that he would want to get to know me so badly
(1:35 PM)
ZayJROD: your my best friend *shrugs*
(1:38 PM)
Mr. Squishy: he seems to get pissed at me for accidentally referring to you as a girl, just like lindsay. it was an accident, im trying to get use to referring to you as a guy. but its like iv told BF, ive known you as a girl for such a long time. but i am trying zay, ive gotten better at it havint i?
(1:38 PM)
ZayJROD: yea u have
and just because they correct u doesn't mean they're pissed

(1:39 PM)
ZayJROD: just that they're correcting you
(1:40 PM)
Mr. Squishy: well it seems like everyone gets angry at me for doing that on accident. kinda like by correcting me they are giving me a death stare that means "dont you ever say that again"
(1:41 PM)
ZayJROD: well if u told me that the world was flat and i corrected you, wouldn't it be the same?
(1:46 PM)
Mr. Squishy: no because everyone already knows that, its not controversial. im trying, its just hard cuz ive known you as ayanna, a girl, for almost a year. and we have talked every single day in that year
(1:47 PM)
ZayJROD: i didn't say u can't make mistakes
(1:48 PM)
Mr. Squishy: it just seems like everyone yells at me for making this particular one
(1:48 PM)
ZayJROD: its just when ppl make mistakes, others correct them so they can work on not making the same mistakes
nobodys yelling. lol

(1:49 PM)
Mr. Squishy: you know what i mean tho
(1:52 PM)
ZayJROD: nobody's mad john. mistakes are part of living. but so is being corrected. its not a bad thing.
(1:53 PM)
Mr. Squishy: i guess im just being over sensitive....again
(1:54 PM)
ZayJROD: perhaps but maybe you will learn when it happens so u can catch urself and save ur feelings from being hurt unnecessarily
(1:55 PM)
Mr. Squishy: it just slips out is all. i use "her" once and im corrected right away
(1:55 PM)
ZayJROD: yea because otherwise there is no need to correct you silly
(1:57 PM)
Mr. Squishy: well i mean right after i type it and click "enter" i immediately notice it. it doesnt need to be pointed out since i already notice my mistake
(1:58 PM)
ZayJROD: well if u dont say so how will others know that you recognized it?
(1:59 PM)
Mr. Squishy: what am i to do then? retype the whole thing just so the word "her" will be changed to "him"?
(1:59 PM)
ZayJROD: no
(2:00 PM)
ZayJROD: you can just say oops or i meant him or *him
anything really

(2:01 PM)
Mr. Squishy: is it THAT big of a deal though? i mean everyone knows who im talking about. i realize you consider yourself a man and i have no intention of denying your wishes but its a mistake and thats it.
(2:02 PM)
ZayJROD: what if i referred to you as a she every so often
(2:02 PM)
Mr. Squishy: it wouldnt upset me or annoy me one bit. i would know that it was by accident. and i know that you love me
(2:03 PM)
Mr. Squishy: you could call me shitface
id still know that you didnt mean it

(2:03 PM)
ZayJROD: well thanks but it is a big deal to me
and i wouldn't call u that
even in jest

(2:05 PM)
Mr. Squishy: and since its a big deal to you im trying my absolute best to respect your wishes zay, i really am. i guess i just dont completely get it, ive been called names my entire life so ive come to learn that a name is a name and nothing more. it doesnt change who you are
(2:06 PM)
ZayJROD: im sorry you've been called names and i'm glad it doesn't bother you and i know your trying but just the same it does bother me. im not saying i dont expect this is hard for you but just try not to get so defensive when it happens because i dont think it will stop happening
(2:07 PM)
Mr. Squishy: itll stop happening, ill stop making this mistake. but i need you to be patient with me ok? im trying my best zay
(2:08 PM)
ZayJROD: well for the record im not the one who corrected u. lol
(2:09 PM)
Mr. Squishy: i know my love, i know. but i am trying my hardest. you believe me dont you? completely believe me?
(2:10 PM)
ZayJROD: i know
(2:10 PM)
ZayJROD: just because someone says what u said was wrong doesnt mean anyone denies that you are trying mr squishy
(2:11 PM)
Mr. Squishy: but you believe that im trying right?
(2:11 PM)
ZayJROD: yea

-------------------------------------Yesterday----------------------
(10:19 PM)Mr. Squishy:you seem busy, am i interupting something important?
(10:20 PM)ZayJROD:uh...no...
(10:20 PM)Mr. Squishy:those dots mean something else, may i ask what?
(10:21 PM)ZayJROD:im not busy
why does it seem that way
(10:23 PM)Mr. Squishy:those three dots (...) defenitely mean something, im thinking.....your not telling me something you feel you should?
(10:24 PM)ZayJROD:no
just wondering why you always think im busy
(10:27 PM)Mr. Squishy:you used to not take awhile to respond, you used to respond right away, almost instantly. just wondering why that is
(10:28 PM)ZayJROD:just tired i guess
(10:29 PM)Mr. Squishy:that can explain tonight but not the past few months. like since mid march
(10:30 PM)ZayJROD:*shrugs* im sry it bothers u
(10:30 PM)Mr. Squishy:it doesnt bother me, it just seems like you'd rather not talk with me
(10:31 PM)ZayJROD:well thats not true
(10:31 PM)Mr. Squishy:i didnt say it was.......its just the thought thats been going through my head
(10:32 PM)ZayJROD:ah i see
(10:33 PM)ZayJROD:well if it isn't a bother could u msg my phone?
(10:33 PM)Mr. Squishy:i suppose, i was just hoping you could explain to me how ive been different
(10:34 PM)ZayJROD:well if im not mistaken one of the meds u stoped taking was a mood stabilzer right?
(10:34 PM)Mr. Squishy:lamictrogene(lamictal) yes.
(10:35 PM)ZayJROD:well that's the main thing i've noticed has made a difference
(10:35 PM)ZayJROD:it seems like every small thing sways you to the extreme of that emotion
(10:35 PM)Mr. Squishy:really?
(10:35 PM)ZayJROD:yea
(10:36 PM)Mr. Squishy:like could i have an example?
(10:36 PM)ZayJROD:well for example the other day when BF corrected your pronoun use
we ended up talking about it for the next 45 minutes
(10:37 PM)ZayJROD:you felt as tho everyone was ganging up on you or yelling at you or believing that you weren't trying
it was a simple 4 word sentence that triggered it
(10:37 PM)Mr. Squishy:but everyone was ganging up on me about a simple word
(10:38 PM)ZayJROD:no everyone was not
i didn't say anything
(10:38 PM)ZayJROD:he had no emotion in the sentence only fact
(10:38 PM)Mr. Squishy:linds did, BF did
(10:38 PM)ZayJROD:BF didnt! that's the thing
ok linds i can see
but since when is 2 ppl everyone?
(10:39 PM)ZayJROD:all BF said was "he's not a her"
(10:39 PM)Mr. Squishy:and that is correcting me. it was an accident! no one gets that. they all think im doing it on purpose. even you admitted that you dont think im trying
(10:40 PM)ZayJROD:ok i can see we are going in circles. its just what i've noticed
(10:40 PM)ZayJROD:i g2g. if u still want to talk msg/text my phone
love u john

-----------------------------By text-----------------------

John: fine, bye
John: tell me: do i just run off on you when you want to talk about something?
Me: no. you dont. and i didn't JUST run off. before we started the conversation i told u i had to go and offered to keep talking via my phone
John: your acting as though my feelings arent valid tho. "we keep going in circles" how is that supposed to make me feel?
Me: i didn't say it wasn't valif. when i said we were going in circles i meant that we arent seeing each others point of view and id rather talk about something happy
John: but if we arent seeing each others view then we should keep talking about it until we see the others point of view, not just avoid it 4ever
Me: well we r both using the same points over and over
John: then we keep trying, no one said it will be easy. nothing worthwhile ever is my love.
Me: is it worthwhile tho?
John: to see the others point of view and resolve hurt feelings? yes, its very worthwhile
Me: why are your feelings hurt?
John: cuz everyone is ganging up on me for a simple word! they still know who im talking about dont they?
Me: ok well im sorry they're doing that to you. you dont deserve to feel ganged up on
John: i realize that referring 2 u as a man is important, honest i do. but its just a word uv attached meaning to. it duznt change how much i love u
Me: nobody was questioning ur love. just the word you used
John: but its just a word, do u c wat i mean? it only means something if u make it mean something. its no reason 4 every1 to gang up on me
Me: ok fine. im not as philisophical as u. im sorry. pronouns and ames mean alot to me. im sorry ur feelings are hurt because of it
John: im not trying to hurt ur feelings zay, im really not. but i am aren't i?
Me: it doesn't matter. i hate feelings. eventually they wont exist
John: so i did then......im really sorry zay, i didn't mean to. im really really truly sorry
Me: dont be. tbh i like when they hurt
John: zay please don't talk like that. i truly am sorry, i really am. i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, i just feel ganged up on
Me: you rly dont have to be sry, what can i say, im a masochist. im rly ok. im sry you felt ganged up on. but i don't think ppl will stop currecting u tbh
John: well im almost 2 the point of going off on them. im referring to u as "him" & "he" WAY more often. im getting better at it rite? honesty plz
Me: yea u r but going off won't help anything

------------------------------------------Back Online --------------------------

(11:24 PM) Mr. Squishy: whyd you sign back on?
(11:24 PM) ZayJROD: because i'm able to be on again. lol
(11:25 PM) Mr. Squishy: that it?
(11:25 PM) ZayJROD: huh?
(11:25 PM) Mr. Squishy: just a coincidence that the second BF signs on, you sign on as well
(11:26 PM) ZayJROD: quite a coincidence indeed
(11:26 PM) Mr. Squishy: sure its nothing more than a coinidence? before you could barely stay on msn
(11:27 PM) ZayJROD: could you stop please?
(11:27 PM) Mr. Squishy: im just wondering, the least you could do is answer me
(11:27 PM) ZayJROD: yes its just a coincidence
(11:28 PM) Mr. Squishy: can i be honest with you?
(11:28 PM) ZayJROD: sure
(11:29 PM) Mr. Squishy: I feel as though you care about and want to talk more with BF than you do me. ever since you met him we have begun talking/texting EVEN LESS
and then there is this coincidence
(11:29 PM) ZayJROD: im sorry you feel that way
(11:29 PM) Mr. Squishy: theres no truth to it?
(11:30 PM) ZayJROD: no
(11:30 PM) Mr. Squishy: im sorry im being mean/harsh. idk whats wrong with me  i really am sorry for hurting your feelings zay
(11:31 PM) ZayJROD: it's fine
(11:31 PM) Mr. Squishy: no its not!! im not supposed to hurt your feelings! i love you, im supposed to take care of you
(11:33 PM) ZayJROD: it's ok really
(11:34 PM) Mr. Squishy: zay, it isnt. im so fucking sorry. why arent you angry with me?
(11:35 PM) ZayJROD: honestly im too numb to  do so and if i bring myself out of it, we won't be friends anymore. you've never seen me mad for a reason. i'm quite mean
(11:36 PM) Mr. Squishy: thats crap. i promised id never leave you, so im not. EVER. go ahead and let it out
(11:37 PM) ZayJROD: tbh i don't want to
(11:38 PM) Mr. Squishy: you need to let it out. please just do it my love. i know you'll only be speaking in anger. i keep my promises. its ok, let it out
(11:39 PM) ZayJROD: i rly don't want to. im ok.
(11:40 PM) Mr. Squishy: what do i have to do to get you to let it out?
(11:40 PM) ZayJROD: tberes no way. i don't want to
(11:42 PM) Mr. Squishy: dont you trust me?
(11:42 PM) ZayJROD: yea i do
(11:44 PM) Mr. Squishy: im serious zay, im never leaving you. no matter what. your way too big a part of me
(11:44 PM) ZayJROD: thanks
im not worried about that
(11:45 PM) Mr. Squishy: what are you worried about then?
(11:46 PM) ZayJROD: i don't release anger well
(11:47 PM) Mr. Squishy: its ok, you can let it out. if you do, then ill do something with you that you have always wanted me to
(11:48 PM) ZayJROD: no i rly dont want to. if i suppress it im safe. if i let it out, i may do something stupid
(11:49 PM) Mr. Squishy: *heavy, sad sigh* ok....im sorry
(11:49 PM) Mr. Squishy: could you answer something for me though?
(11:49 PM) ZayJROD: i guess
(11:50 PM) Mr. Squishy: you said, if you let it out we wont be friends anymore. does that mean you are in fact angry with me about something?
(11:51 PM) ZayJROD: what i mean is that i won't be around any longer for us to be friends
(11:51 PM) Mr. Squishy: so your not angry with me? even if the anger is deep deep down inside you?
(11:52 PM) ZayJROD: i dont want to think about it
(11:55 PM) Mr. Squishy: do you think ive gotten better at referring to you as you wish?
(11:55 PM) ZayJROD: can we not talk about that anymore?
(11:57 PM) Mr. Squishy: this is the last time ill ask, i promise. its just important to me that you believe and know im trying to respect your wishes
(11:58 PM) ZayJROD: yes
(11:58 PM) Mr. Squishy: thanks zay, it means a lot that you believe me
(12:00 AM) Mr. Squishy: do you really think im starting to over react with my emotions lately?
(12:01 AM) ZayJROD: yes
(12:02 AM) Mr. Squishy: hm....its certainly possible. i do swing from intense anger to crying hysterically often now....
(12:05 AM) Mr. Squishy: what do you think?
(12:05 AM) ZayJROD: i think u should take ur meds
(12:06 AM) Mr. Squishy: i keep forgetting though,im not doing it on purpose
(12:06 AM) ZayJROD: i know
(12:09 AM) Mr. Squishy: i think i should go
(12:09 AM) ZayJROD: why
(12:10 AM) Mr. Squishy: i feel awkward and you seem to be very....untalkative. at least to me anyways
(12:10 AM) ZayJROD: im not talking to BF
(12:11 AM) ZayJROD: im just tired
(12:18 AM) Mr. Squishy: zay?


Seriously. I'm so done with this issue, it's ridiculous. I can't even issue explanations, annecdotes, closing statements or questions, retorical or otherwise. I'm too aggravated.