That Other Stuff

Hello all. It's somewhere around day 5 of this challenge. First I just want to share something with you that I saw on Tumblr:

You get so tired. You get so sick of the homophobia, the sexism, the culture of rape jokes and wife beating cartoons. But today you can take 30 seconds and smile. Somewhere right now there is a daddy dancing along while his femmy boy sings Lady Gaga. Somewhere right now there is a little girl suiting up to go play football with her peewee team. Somewhere there is a woman taking off the clothes she hates and pulling on a pair of pants. And there are boys holding hands in front of Dairy Queen and there are girls on their first date at the mall. There is a mom driving her son to the court so he can change his name from Brittney to Brandon. There is a family supporting their daughter after she reveals sexual abuse. There is a foster parent hesitantly walking into his first PFLAG meeting. And there exists more freedom, more equality, more safety than has ever existed before in the history of humanity. Of course it’s not enough. But it is amazing just the same. And you have done this. This did not happen despite our tears and our sweat, our humiliation and betrayal. This happened because of it.

Keep fighting.

Keep being that “annoying” dude pointing out every sexist remark.

Keep voting.

Keep protesting.

And don’t you EVER let the other side get you down. They know that wearing you out is all they have left. What they do not know is that because of you, their children are safer. Because of you, our schools talk about bullying. Because of you, sexual harassment is illegal at their place of business.

you’re doing it right.

Good, right? And definitely a needed encouragement for a lot of people, including me. I just saw a spider crawl under my desk. That means tomorrow I'm either waking up with a swollen body part or waking up having digested more protein than I intended.

Today I want to talk about Christians, the status quo and I guess some stuff about how I'm feeling since being at home. Let's start with the last thing. I guess since I've been home, things have been pretty good. There hasn't been nearly as much "subliminal" coaxing that I can tell. My mom did have reservations about me going to graduation at my high school which I was fully aware of but 1) I wasn't going to let her stop me from supporting my friends and 2) I really wanted to see some of my favorite teachers. I stayed much longer than I probably should have but my dad picked me up and didn't seem to care that it was dark outside and no one else was milling around the parking lot. I got to eat with, talk to, and just see some people that are very important to me. When I was ready to go, she did sigh when she saw what I was wearing, but in that same instant she also lost a document she'd been working on so I'm going to just blame it on that and she didn't stall very much when it was time to drive me outside of mourning the loss of her document. The only thing that has really bugged me is the fact that I feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter. I know she's telling her friends things. At the very least they've been told to pray for me but I know some of them know the whole story. It's hard for me to just say hi or want to be around them when I know they're praying against me. I get confused all the time because of it. I know my mom is praying for me to change my mind while I'm praying for God to give me strength. I came out so that I could be free to be myself. I wanted to give my mom a reason for why she's never really had a daughter. Now I feel like every masculine thing I do makes her upset but she doesn't say anything so she won't "run me away" as she's said to me before. I sent her some pictures of girls' clothes for work because I personally don't want to fight like we do every time we shop. I don't feel like wandering through the girls' section looking through everything and finding one thing or nothing while trying not to think about how much I wish I could be in the boys' section. I could tell she was happy and excited. She probably thought the Lord had answered her prayers and told all her friends I was making progress. But just like every other time, I only did it to avoid her sighs, pouts, and speeches. In line with learning to be patient is  having to embrace a name I never have. I've never really liked my name and always preferred to stay at home so I wouldn't have to introduce myself. I wished I had a different name to go by but I didn't. Now that I have another one, it's hard for me to tolerate it like I once did when I had no other option. I don't get mad when people don't use it since no one knows it, it only upsets me that I can't tell them what I prefer to be called because it'd get back around to my parents and that it'd be an issue.

I want to talk about the "status quo". On Wednesday my mom said something that kind of pissed me off. We were out eating and being the idealist I am, I was telling her how to improve something or other. She basically said something like "well that's just the way life is". It's not necessarily what she said that made me angry because it's true, that is the way life is...for now. But I feel like she was only giving me that line because it was something she could accept. But not everyone is built the same. I thought to myself "what if someone had just decided that being black meaning that you were a natural slave was 'just the way it was'?" Or what about something like gay-marriage? Would she be able to accept it as "just the way things are"? Well first of all, she better get ready. But secondly, anyone who knows my mom knows that, for now, that answer is no and she would do whatever she could to change it, even if it meant just praying more than usual. My parents were born in the 50s and so they were both changing the world just by living their lives, but she doesn't understand that for the most part, that's everyone else's story too. I also understand that she's a mom and she wants to give advice but my dreamer's spirit didn't just appear overnight. I feel like telling people that "that's just the way it is" is a vicious cycle. If they believe it, they will just tell others who might believe them too until everybody just thinks that their voice and ideas have nothing to offer the world. The people who don't believe it are viewed as crazy and people think that since they didn't have enough sense to stop dreaming, they'll put a stop to it themselves. But thank God for those who keep at it cuz the world would suck without them. I just hate that people pass around the idea that the way things are is the way they will be until someone else decides. It can be us. It should be us. It's been us little people with huge hearts and open minds. 

Last but not least, Christians. I'm really starting not to like them. When someone mentions the bible or God, I just tune out and when people say they're Christian, I turn up my nose like some of the Atheists I know. I've even considered not calling myself Christian anymore but then I realized that that would do more harm than good. I just hate to see people act like they're God's favorite. I realized that part of the reason I dislike going to church is because they tell people what they ought to be doing. They ought to come to church every Sunday, they ought to quit drinking and smoking, they ought to stop sleeping around, they ought to read their bible every day. My thing is that what people really need to know about is God. If you tell them about God's strength, they'll lean on him. If you tell them about God's grace, they can forgive themselves and other people. Today part of the pastor's message was "I hope you fail". He was saying that he hopes we get so low that we run to the end of ourselves and have no choice but to call on him*. That's exactly how I got where I am now so be careful what you pray for. lol

Lastly I just wanted to talk about Christians and their holier than thou attitude when it comes to homosexuality and abortion. They're not the same, but people have no problem picking up a sign to let you know how angry God is with those who "practice" either. When you decided to be a Christian, you decided to pick up your cross and follow Jesus. Christians started out being persecuted and throughout history there have been times when we were left alone but we are here to struggle peacefully but to stand firmly in our convictions. We're here to deliver the good news, not force it down people's throats. I don't agree with laws based on Christian morals because God doesn't force us to do anything so what makes people think that he wants them to force things onto people. Even Thomas Jefferson said that no laws were to be made based on religious values. Don't get the idea that God is winning if no one has a choice. That's not his MO. We are soldiers in his army but the battle is not ours, it's God's (2 Chronicles 20:15). That's why he gave us the sword of spirit, not the sword of the steel, the tongue, or the picket sign.

Here's one of my favorite songs that corresponds with this.

Here's a site I just stumbled on today. A good portion of them are sad, but a lot are happy too. Either way, most of them will really make you think if you allow em to :) Don't stop dreaming

Oh! PS I start work on Thursday :D/ :-/

Hope your week starts off great

--Zay