Saturday, December 26, 2009

My first letter and the results

Here's the letter I wrote to my gf and I'll type out what she said to me after. I read this to her over the phone.

I know you and I have discussed this many times but here we go again. I have no doubt that God has blessed me by letting our paths cross. You were someone who showed me love that'd I'd never experienced before. You told me that I didn't have to walk on eggshells with you and that we could work through anything. I hope you meant what you said. It started with you stealing my phone, trying to figure out what I was hiding. I figured I'd help you out and bared my soul. And because you felt love for me you took it upon yourself to lead me back to what you thought was right. Every time we talk about it, we grow apart and I thought I was pushing my blessing away so each time I listened intently and tried to line up my thoughts and visions for myself with yours. But sometimes it'd take a week, a day, an hour, a minute until those thoughts would re-enter my thought process. You told me it couldn't be God, that it was coming from the devil so like the good Christian I aspire to be I tried to bind satan, rebuke his hold and force myself in the opposite direction but still I'd fall into his clutches. Or so I thought.

Rewind to the 2-year-old running around, to the 4-year-old talking to strangers like they were old friends, to the 5-year-old they're trying to shut up. Fast forward to a steadily declining morale of a once lively kid, beginning to regret their existence. Skip to a 13-year-old who already thought their life was over, who thought they were a failure for failing to get their heart to fail. Wearing long sleeves and long pants and baggy clothes to hide the fat or lack there of. They think God is punishing them, trying to deal with them, trying to break them. A hardheaded new teen trying to take on God or go down trying. Then a 17-year-old, four years past their expiration date falls prostrate, tired of seeing the world with a black tint prays for forgiveness and for a clear view; his view. I'm on YouTube like I usually do and stumble upon a video that sums up the feelings I could never express and gives them a name. On April 4, 2009, I experienced God's peace for the first time. Everything seemed right til you told me it was wrong and because you were looking out for me I tried to go along and move on. Til just last month I fell prostrate again, praying for him to remove these thoughts for good not knowing that they'd come directly for him. But with that tearful prayer he revealed that and all that I'm about to tell you.

You are probably skeptical, as was I, that this is something that God could be a part of but after a deperate prayer, God opened my eyes to see that he was ordering my steps. As much as I hated westridge while I was there, it has definitely proven part of God's plan. Ms. Love came during my senior year and she was the first person I told in the spring. She didn't judge me but supported me even though we did not have much time to discuss it. That year we also needed a guitar player for the MLK assembly and Ms. Love brought her friend Sara who I clicked with automatically. We continued our friendship from that day and though unbeknown at the time, I later found out that Sara was transgender as well and she has supported me through my uncertainties, never pushing me in either direction but by just being there. Coach K also knows and is supportive and I'm grateful for the relationship I was able to build with her over my time there. Westridge has also allowed me to get into UCLA.

Meagan was the first friend I made at UCLA and we've remained friends. In the middle of FSP, which was also a blessing that I got into, we discovered that we both identified the same way. I cannot imagine having a better support than a good friend dealing with the same issues. Juan and Carina are also supportive. For the time being, Meagan has chosen to go by Micah. UCLA is also located in Los Angeles near West Hollywood and Santa Monica which both have lots of resources and support for trans people. It's also allowed me to be close enough to meet Pica, another trans person my age, who introduced me to Tawny who is going to Westmont to study to be able to help people like me Micah and Pica. She's helped me to understand that God is not separate from this and helped me to gain the courage to bring you guys into the light. Both of them are Christian. UCLA also offers an affinity group for trans people and specifically transmen and next year they will be started a whole trans program that is connected with the health services. In addition, the university insurance will pay for a lot of the steps needed already and even more next year.

You said that you could very well be the answer to my prayer and I realize that you were a part of it but not all of it. Not only did you show me love but you made me want to get closer to God. You made me think and if nothing else, you made me wait until I was ready.

I understand things a lot more if they have a metaphor or a parallel and in that vein, God has brought 3 stories to my attention that apply to my situation. The first story is of Abraham. He waited forever to have a son and then was asked to sacrifice him to accomplish God's agenda. Because he was obedient, he was allowed to keep his son. These are my relationships. I'm not a very social person so I cherish the friendships I have and I'm very aware that the decision to follow through with this may cause me to lose some of those but I'm confident that God has my back. I'm hoping through my obedience, I'll be allowed to keep what's important to me too. When God's plan was revealed what he had in store for Abraham it took him a minute to figure out whether or not it was real but then he decided to believe in what God had clearly told him. When Sara was told, she did not believe it, discounted it, and assumed she was not a part of it and tried to forcefully excluded herself from the equation but she was meant to be an integral part of God's plan. I know that God has blessed me with your presence and also with this and I know that no two things that are of God can be mutually exclusive. I know that everything has a time and a season but I also know that God will handle that and make that clear so I hope that you will continue to give me the love I believe God has placed you in my path to give and continue to allow me to love you the way God has placed me in your path to give. God revealed to Joseph that he was someone on the inside that no one could see from the outside. When Joseph shared this, he was harshly judged and even hated. He became the person he was to become by enduring trials and learning patience, much like I'll have to do during this process. When he was out becoming who God wanted him to be, his parents thought he had died but because God was ordering his steps, he became an even more valuable resource to his family and to an entire nation. I realize that during this process, you'll have to mourn the loss of your daughter but as I grow more comfortable and more confident and continue to lean on and listen to God, I'll become a better child, sibling, friend, student, and human being because everything is linked. The final story God gave me was of Esther who was forced to hide who she really was thinking that it was for the best. But when those around her were threatened to be persecuted, she had a choice to make. Because she chose to reveal who she really was, she was able to educate those who had already written her people off and to save those she loved. One of the reasons I have gone so back and forth on this issue and have waited so long to tell you is because I thought that my decision would have a negative effect on your ministry but when I prayed about it, it became clear that two things ordained by God could not be mutually exclusive and that God would protect your ministry and that this new undertaking in my life would be a part of my own ministry (probably starting with Micah).

Since April, you've given me many reasons why I shouldn't do this and when they were presented I didn't have a response but God has helped me with those too. Here are a few that I've chosen to share because they may be things you're thinking as well.
1. God does't make mistakes
I'm not claiming that God has made a mistake. I'm asserting that this was part of his plan. There are some things growing up female have done that will and already have affected me in a way that I wouldn't have been affected growing up male. For example, going to an all girl's school especially with girly friends has taught me how and how not to treat whomever God blesses me with and also will steer me away from operating in a mode of male chauvinism (which I can also help Jarren with) and if nothing else, this experience will help me with my own kids.

2. If you were meant to be a boy, you would have been born one
Nobody knows what they'll be when they grow up. They show signs and traits that point or steer them toward a direction they'll grow into with the help and support of loved ones and their own investments. This is the a different situation but the same template.

3. You'd be destroying God's temple
If this were true then any modification to God's temple should be weighed equally including braces, teeth whitening, breast augmentations, botox, tans, laser eye surgery, any sort of cosmetic surgery, reconstructive surgery, make up, hair cuts, pierced ears, or anything else.

4. Plenty of girls start out tomboys and eventually grown into their femininity
Honestly, I'm beginning my adult years. If it were going to happen, it would have happened already.

5. I felt like that too then changed my perspective and now I'm happy
Not everyone with similar beginnings are meant to follow the same path. We both wanted to be NBA players. My career peaked in middle school but lead me to you. Yours is still going and has opened doors for you and continued to be a strong part of your life. We both were started in music at a young age. Your run with music ended a little early and mine is still strong and has opened doors for me and attracted you to me.

6. God gave you parents who wouldn't support something like this for a reason
Learning is not omnidirectional, it happens both ways; kids learn from parents and the parents learn from kids. Just because my mom's family wasn't christian didn't mean she wasn't supposed to be and because she decided to be despite naysayers, her whole family is now saved. They also didn't support music but that was the path god had chosen for her.

With that said, I hope I will have your support in this but I'm also prepared to continue should you decide you can't because I know that God is behind this. I know you must have a lot of questions and I hope you will feel comfortable enough to ask them and I'll to my best to provide the answers but I don't know everything either. Part of this process is choosing a name. I'm telling you this now because I want you to know that I've given a lot of thought to this as well and that I wasn't just waiting on an omen. The name I've chosen for myself is Zavier Nehemiah Alexander DaVonn Heidelberg. It's long but there's no law against that. Zavier has been the name I liked from the very beginning. I wanted my name to be meaningful to me so I looked it up and it meant "new house" and "bright". I was kind of disappointed but decided to make it up with my middle name(s). But when God revealed everything else to me he also opened my eyes to why the meaning is not so random after all. The new house is my new body, a new outer appearance but the inside is still the same. And bright is accurate because with a testimony like this I have no choice but to reflect the light of the world. We visited a church one sunday and the pastor was teaching on Nehemiah. I liked that he cried for the plight of others and thought that described me well. I also liked that he was so passionate about God's business. Nehemiah means comforter and while I may rile your nerves, I tend to have the opposite effect on other people. Alexander means warrior and that's exactly what I'll have to be. I chose to keep DaVonn because I like the ties it has to our family being that it's a combination of my aunt's names and I also like the fact that my mom gave it to me.

There is no way that I could have come up with this on my own and there's no way that all this could fall into place without his help.
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Her verbal response was "Is there more? Ok. I have to go, I'll ttyl"

Then her text response was as follows: "im not lookin for a reply. im done. believe/choose what u want. know it has nothing to do with God! i don't agree with the choice or reasoning. idk what else to say rite now. but take it as they come. there will be more. Dinner is fine as far as dland is concerned dont stretch yourself. if you cant afford it dont bother*. ya idk what else to tell you. as of now r&b is over/never was**. friends sure i guess. as ur friend i hope u understand my view still and see that you may still be wrong and you should tell your parents if you're serious cuz its not fair 2 others if u got it easy."

* for her birthday she was going to dinner the day before and to disneyland on the actual day. just an hour ago she was telling me that if I couldn't afford it, her mom was willing to help me out. So that was pretty much her way of uninviting me.
**R&B was the code name for our relationship.

I asked her to explain what she meant by the fair part and she said "No." and then told me that I should tell my parents before the new year because I was lying to them and because she couldn't keep the secret.

I can't say I didn't expect this so I had already prayed about it before hand and the lord brought something I'd heard to mind. I'll post it here for you guys cuz it's helped me a lot.

Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away.There ain't no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it's dead it's gone. Let it go!

If somebody wants to walk out of your life, LET THEM GO no matter how much it may hurt, you have to let people go. They will realize what they had, but by then it’s too late. Also we need to realize some people come in to our lives for a season, the others for a lifetime, and to stop getting our lifetime expectations mixed with those seasonal people. I believe these seasonal people are meant to come and teach us one thing, and then for us to go on. Everybody that comes into our lives is like a piece of a tree

Leaves: Unstable as hell, all over the place, and usually just there to take from the tree, never to give

Branches... these you gotta be careful about, they’ll make you think they are a real good friend and strong, but the moment you step out there on them they break and leave you high and dry.

Roots... These are the ones that aren't going anywhere, when you have a few roots in your life it is all you need, because without those roots, the tree could not survive


I'll probably come out to my parents tomorrow so I'll keep you posted.

Over n Out
-Zay

Progress so far

So I finished the first draft of my my coming out letter to my parents. I'm having a friend look over it to make sure it sounds smooth and I want to maybe add something. I'll post the final draft when it's all done. After this one I have potentially 3 more to go: for my gf, for my friends, and for my lil bro.

I've also decided to start taking the steps toward getting T. I was going to call up the LA Gay Center today but they're not open until Monday so hopefully I don't lose my fervor before then.

This Christmas was kind of disappointing. The gifts aren't important but they are appreciated. I have probably mentioned this in previous posts but my mother desperately wants me to be girly. I got money and a post-it holder from my dad, an armband from my brother, a screen protector from my gf...and a sweater dress and earrings from my mother. I literally wanted to cry. I intend on coming out soon so hopefully that ends up being before the return period is over cuz I don't want to hurt her feelings but at the same time she knows I don't like stuff like that regardless of my gender identity so I was kind of hurt that she chose to buy me something she wanted rather than what I wanted.

I've also changed my name. The updated version is Zavier Nehemiah Alexander DaVonn Heidelberg. I'm debating on the spelling of my first name. Zavier, XaVier, Xavier...idk. I like writing Z's in cursive...that's really the only reasoning I have right now and that it'd be easier to pronounce correctly the first time.

I also have the opportunity to come out to a friend tomorrow but I'm not yet quite sure. I think that's it for now. I'm sleepy

Over n Out
--Zay

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The sleepover

was great :) I got called Zay/Xavier and he the whole time and I got to visit the LA Gay & Lesbian center which is probably where I'll be getting my prescription when it's time. My friend had an appt there today. It was a really nice building. Lots of smiley people. Very diverse. Everyone just seemed happy to be there and happy to help. It was also very professional, not a shack or a dilapidated building. They even had gender neutral bathrooms on the 2nd floor.

Then I got back home and right away with the 'she'-ing....

In other news, during the period where I was trying to force myself not to be trans, I hid my binder from myself and I CAN'T FIND IT! I've looked everywhere at home and at school and I really can't find it. But I guess it's ok because I want a different style anyways and when I get my new financial aid check I'll be getting either a 994 or a 983. Both of them would reduce or eliminate the annoying rolling up that binders love to do. Guess that's it for now.

Over n Out
-Zay

Monday, December 21, 2009

zOMG!!! Sleepoverrrrrr!

I'm going over my friend's house with my other friend. I'm excited because I get to be Zay tonight until tomorrow afternoon :) That is all.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

So!

I've been home a week and it's been painful. On thursday my mom's performing arts school had their christmas recital and my mom made me wear her clothes and heels and earrings. Yesterday I dressed like I would dress any other day and I could see the pain in my mother's eyes wondering where she went wrong or something and she kept sighing and looking into the distance and repeating "are you sure you don't want to wear earrings?"

I just woke up from a dream where I came out to my little brother who then wanted nothing to do with me. My parents didn't want to hear what I had to say and all my friends faded away. But despite the negativity of it, that dream, thursday night and all the young lady comments i've received have really made me want to come out before i go back to school.

So over the next few days, I'm hoping to write seperate letters to my parents, my lil brother, my gf and her family and my friends. After that It's on them. I'll post what I come up with here when I'm done.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Life Update

So I've been going back and forth on whether or not I was going to really get into this and the answer is yes. Here's why:

Me and my girlfriend have fought a lot about this. She's always tried to talk me out of it in one way or another, showing me different sides, opinions, approaches and solutions which I've tried to adapt to but somehow I could never let this go. The main things holding me back were fear that I was going against God and that I would lose my girlfriend.

But recently I've been praying really hard about this issue because I didn't want either of those outcomes and wanted to just let the issue go. Instead of bringing me the ability to accept what I'd been born as, I couldn't leave it alone. In fact, the more I prayed, the more He revealed to me that this trial, this annoyance, this confusion, this process was all part of His plan. It just took one hint at a time of desperation to reveal all the other hints I'd looked over: my major, choice of school, friends, even the names I'd chosen for myself. XaVier means new house like the new body I'll be creating to match how I feel on the inside. It also means bright as I am to be as a reflection of the light of the world.

I was also worried about losing the love of my life but God has calmed that fear as well. He gave me the story of Abraham and how he was willing to sacrifice what was most important to him here on earth to fulfill God's agenda. My girl promises that we can work together through anything and that nothing will affect our friendship so I just hope this comes under that warranty. I need someone who loves me on a deeper level to help. She's so passionate about what she's involved in that I know it would be good to have her support in this. But I also believe that if we part, we'll end up back together or that if we're not meant to be together forever, the one who was made for me will be found. I'm a firm believer that everything and everyone has a time and a season and I'm trying to appreciate everything that comes into my life for what it is and not try to stretch it or shorten its time and mar the blessing or the lesson. With that said, I love my girl. She's my queen.

I've never felt such peace. I'm thinking more clearly, though just as fast. I'm just happier although I'm anxious hoping I dont miss my cue or jump the gun. I guess that's it for now.

Over n Out
-- bright new house comforter warrior (xavier nehemiah alexander aka zay)