I don't want this to be too long but it's been something I've wanted to talk about for a while. I started sharing my personal experiences online because I wanted to have a record of my personal growth and progress over time, I needed a place to air my thoughts and emotions, to be part of a community, and because I wanted to help people like others have helped me by sharing. So with those in mind, I don't want to misrepresent myself or my experiences.
I don't want it to seem like I am living my life completely unaffected by the thoughts and opinions of others. There are times when I doubt if will really be happier, or if this is what God wants me to do. I still catch myself thinking of lgbt people as "wrong" or "wayward" or what have you. I wonder if God is really ok with being gay or transgender. I sometimes view myself as a freak and worry about my trans "status" making me a perpetual liar. I think about all the money for the surgeries and flights and hotel rooms, I think about having to stick myself every week for at least 5 years, I think about the scars I'll have on my chest and wonder if it's all worth it. And I don't think I'm ever 100% sure. I tend to oscillate between 98.5 and 48%. But I try to step out on faith slowly but steadily and trust that if I'm headed in the wrong direction, God will let me know. In addition to praying, I also ask myself a lot of questions and answer as honestly as possible. I look at the strength, courage, and direction of The Sanctuary Collective and others with the same calling. I also ask God for affirmation and it always comes but not necessarily right away.
Anyways that's what I wanted to say about that. I'm also very seriously considering moving my blog to wordpress. Very strongly. It just seems more versatile and professional. More things come standard and it's easier to add things. If anyone has objections, let me know (I don't know what it's like on the viewing end). I'll probably move it this weekend.
I'm also going shopping with my mom when she comes back at 7. So I'm sure I'll have something to say.
Stay up, folks
--Zay
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