Monday, February 22, 2010
Doubtful
I seem to find myself on this cycle of unwaivering confidence down to confusion and hopelessness, covering everything in between. Right now, I'm in that crappy place at the bottom. I'm beginning to wish I were an orphan so I wouldn't have to "do this to my parents" when in reality I've done nothing to them. I'm tired of feeling like shit on both ends. If I try to live my life as a female, I know where that will lead and I'll probably ultimately end up killing myself for trying to hide such an essential part of me. This transgender identity seems more like a curse than a blessing. I've finally figured out why I was so depressed from a young age. Last April when I discovered that I was trans, I was delivered from a very dark place in my life and every time someone or something tells me that I can't be me or that it's intrinsically wrong to be myself, I return to that place of loneliness and disparity. I start listening to everything people have said that make me feel like shit. I try to make myself remember why I'm doing this in the first place but it just doesn't seem worth it, even though I know where the other path leads. I feel stuck in the middle of two God forsaken boulders and I don't know which way I should turn or if I even can turn.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
On the road to becoming myself
So I have two things to talk about. The first is that I'm finally on the road to becoming Zavier (I've decided to stick with the Z). I have an appointment next Wednesday, not to start T, but it's the first step.
The second thing is I wrote another letter to my parents that I'm going to snail mail them. Here goes:
Why most LGBT people leave, deny, ignore or hate the church is because they are told that their self-realization, and their happiness is condemned as a sin. They are told that they'll probably be miserable for a long time and that if they just abstain and pray that eventually they'll grow into happiness at some point (kind of like a mail-order-bride). If they don't subscribe to that theory then they are pegged as sinners, almost untouchables. They lean toward drugs and sex, and who would blame them, living in this world without Jesus. But that's another thing. The LGBT community is a community of strong individuals. There's more to it than drugs, AIDS, and partying, just like there's more to the black community than welfare, crack, robbery and violence. There are LGBT lawyers, doctors, plumbers, homeless people, pastors, husbands, wives, parents, children, teachers, and everything else. They have to work just as hard as any other marginalized groups to dispel stereotypes and fight to create opportunities for those who are too badly injured emotionally, socially, spiritually, and sometimes physically. Sound familiar?
God's wrath was satisfied with the death and resurrection of his son, but even then, how do we know what God truly thinks? The most accurate parts of the bible are the words of Jesus, himself; God in the form of man. Out of all the red text in the bible, it boils down to this: have no other god before the God and to love your neighbor as yourself. A constant quest for purity distracts us from God's call for compassion, love and mercy above all. That's how we lead by example (which Jesus did and what we are called to do). Fanatical Christians do more damage for God's kingdom than the devil ever could. People stop fighting to join or to be accepted by a community where they are not wanted. We are called to love people as people because they are people. God made people in his image. Accepting and tolerating are not the same thing. How can you love your neighbor if you don't let yourself get too close, if you don't care about their struggles, if you invalidate their pain? Would you keep your distance from God? The other eight commandments, the fruits of the spirit, the beattitudes. Those are our guides that tell us how we should live our lives down on earth. They don't mention anything about homosexuality. What will change about a person because they are gay or transgendered besides their happiness? What will change about me? I won't say I won't change because we are all changing all the time, but I'll still be me. It says in Matthew that we are to be judged based on how we treat the least among us. Being polite isn't going to cut it when God asks us how we loved his children.
As Christians, we are to model our lives on earth as Jesus lived his on earth. Jesus and his disciples shared company with Eunichs (the sexual deviants at the time) and said they would be welcome in his kingdom. Then why do we as Christians tell them something different? Isn't it better to have someone in the LGBT community on fire for the Lord than a cis-gender, heterosexual person preaching the opposite message? Sure, a gay man could fight to change who he found attractive, I could try even harder to beat my happiness into submission, but isn't that wasting time? What should our focus really be? Getting used to something, not minding something isn't always the way to go. You can stop minding your husband hitting you when he's upset, you can get used to burning your fingers on your crack pipe, you can get used to not going to church, you can not mind being disrespected.
Leviticus 20:13 says that man lying with man is detestable. Leviticus 11:12 says that the consumption of shellfish is an abomination. Which sounds worse to you? How do some people get to decide which parts are antiquated and which aren't? The bible says in James 2:10 "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." So if we are going to spend the short time we have here on earth following the bible literally instead of learning the lessons that help us love god, others, and ourselves then we should throw away all of our pants. Any clothing made from more than one material? Gone. (Leviticus 19:19) No more cooking soul food because we aren't allowed to touch the skin of unclean animals and to wash it to be cooked, you'd have to touch it. Bacon, pigs feet, all of it. (Leviticus 11:8) All female ministers need to be unordained. Now. Women can't even talk in church.(1 Timothy 2:11-12) And if you're on your period, don't even come. (Leviticus 15:25) The barbers and razor companies would all go out of business because cutting hair and shaving are sinful.(Leviticus 19:27) Imagine the next time you see a lady in a sleeveless shirt. All the PK's who have lost their way and have become sexually promiscuous are to be brought to the town square to be burned at the stake. (Leviticus 21:9) Why aren't there sermon's on these? No sects of Christianity that focus on these (i.e "God Hates Fags")? Why doesn't anyone tell the clean shaven man that God doesn't love him? No signs protesting Red Lobster? And no one feels guilty for buying a 75% cotton shirt. These all seem outdated and nit-picky. Well so does the one we started off with. The story that is often brought up is that of Sodom and Gomorrah but, ironically, the hero of that particular story is Abraham who pleaded for mercy for the condemned. The heroes are not those cheering it on.
With all that said, I'm not gay, but since you refuse to see that I'm not, I decided to stick up for them too. When I said that this made me happy, I don't think I made clear what I really meant. I've been struggling with depression long before you picked up on it. I've held hatred toward myself since an age you wouldn't believe if I told you. You refer to my "stint" with cutting as "back then" but what you didn't know is that I never stopped. Getting caught just made me a better liar. The day I saw you cry because of it was the day I decided to make sure you never heard about it again. As your child, I didn't want to be the cause of your pain. You asked me if I was doing it for attention but attention was the last thing I wanted. If anything, I wanted you to hate me so that when I took my life, I wasn't missed. I attempted suicide quite a few times, I even struggled with eating disorders. I wanted to lose all the fat from my body so that all that would be left were muscles and my hips and boobs and period would disappear. I continued cutting up until shortly after I realized I was trans. It was when I read a blog someone wrote about appreciating our bodies because they've carried up through to this point and will carry us forward that I decided to stop hurting myself because those scars would be transferred to my new life. That is the life I got tired of living. That is the life I asked God to deliver me from.
You said that it was unfair for me to expect you to just adapt and that I should have told you when we were in therapy. I didn't come to terms with this until April so how could I have told you back then? Then all I knew was that I hated myself and everyone around me would probably be better off in my absence. What's not fair is to be told that your happiness is sinful. It's not fair to have to deal with a lifetime of feeling like you don't belong anywhere. It's not fair to get your clothes taken away, or to be told who you can and can't be friends with. It's not fair to be told that your happiness is unfair.
You said that my calling was to those of the LGBT community and you were right. I can see that now. But what I know and what you think it should be are different. I believe that part of what I'm supposed to do here on earth is show them God's love and let them know that he loves them back. You said that you were told to pray about my "sexuality". Sexuality refers to a lot of things but if you're praying for me, pray that God's will be done in my life. Don't pray against me. You said that I shouldn't try to make you be politically correct but that's exactly what turns people off about Christians. You can't try to cure someone with diabetes using cancer medicine. If you're going to try to "fix" someone you can't call them what they are not. You also said that God doesn't differentiate between transsexuality and homosexuality. I don't think that a God with such an important mission, who wanted only the best for his children, a God who is timeless and just as modern as he is ancient, would say something like "Oh, yeah. I meant that too." I believe that the bible is very explicit so that there's little confusion. It's humans that try to interpret it to fit their own desires and wills that confuse everyone.
You said that God couldn't be involved in this and I know you were wrong because I see and hear him daily in the little things and the big things. Things that happen in my life can't possibly all be a coincidence. You said that you were angry because God has placed this burden upon you. I say don't curse your blessings. This thing is a very small part of who I am. God gave you two awesome kids. You've said things like "any other parent wouldn't tolerate ______" or that you work hard to do x, y, and z for us. I don't deny that you've sacrificed a lot for us but so have we. We are in school, no babies, drugs, alcohol, gangs, limited cussing, decent grades, loving church, loving God, wanting to learn more everyday from books, from school, and from the people around us, and I don't know of very many kids so involved in their parents' ministry. And yea sometimes we do get an attitude but we have bad days, low tolerance for certain things, and feel underappreciated sometimes just like everyone else. You told me I was beautiful hoping I would look in the mirror and finally see it but it only felt like a slap in the face, like you didn't support me, like you didn't believe me.
I didn't appreciate you downplaying my adulthood under the guise of being black. That has nothing to do with adulthood, nor does age. Paying bills is an acquired skill but it's how you view life that makes you an adult. Knowing that your way isn't necessarily the best way, realizing that others' purpose in life is not to please you, learning to be respectful and assertive, accepting responsibility, learning how to communicate, gaining the ability to see another person's perspective or to empathize, THAT is how you become an adult. The age of consent is different everywhere so I know that age means nothing. Is a 30-year-old man with no intent to find work who lives off of others more of an adult than the 15-year-old has to raise his brothers and sisters?
As an adult I realize that I have to accept the consequences of my actions, but I also know that consequences are inevitable. I've weighed the pros and cons of going through the process of changing my outside to match my inside a million times and I never stop exploring new possibilities. Sometimes I have doubts but I know there is no way I could go back. It would be the stupidest thing I've done if I ask God for a solution and then ignore it. This is who I am, not who I have chosen to be. I've been given the choice to decide how to deal with it but that choice is no choice at all. I was once told this story I'll relate to you: A child was born without the ability to feel pain. When he was out playing, he was badly injured but because he could not feel it, he never went home to be bandaged and held by his parents. I don't believe God tests us. Tests are to see what the person you are testing knows or doesn't know. However, God knows everything, including what we are thinking and what we know. I do believe that God allows us to experience pain so that we will run back to him to be healed and reassured and, so far, that has been my experience.
I love you and respect you but as we get older, our roles as children and parents change. Before legal adulthood, your job is to guide, protect, and control, and mine is to absorb. Now it is time for me to take control of my own life and it is your job to support me as your offspring. I have to manage my time, to accept consequences, to experience things, but most importantly I have to try. I have to try to be the best I can be and to make my own life. This is my way of taking the reins and setting out on my own journey. This letter wasn't meant offensively but to let you know that I've made my decision and that I won't change my mind. I'm prepared to do this on my own. I'd love to have you be a part but not in the way you have until this point. The tests are inconclusive and "remedies" that you may be told will cure me don't work. You aren't the first set of parents to want to "fix" their transgender child and several trans people want to try and fix themselves too. But there is no way to fix it but through transition. Transition is different for everyone but for me it means taking a hormone, which is no different than taking birth control. It will also mean having a male contoured chest which is accomplished through a surgical procedure. To me this is no different than removing two tumors and will make me lighter, happier, and healthier. If you want to respond, I'd appreciate it in the form of writing. When you're ready to talk to you son, the line is open. If I don't hear back, I'll assume that you're leaving me to steer through this part of my journey without you (which I'll understand). This letter is not meant to be disrespectful, only to let you know that I've made up my mind.
With all my love,
Zay
The second thing is I wrote another letter to my parents that I'm going to snail mail them. Here goes:
Why most LGBT people leave, deny, ignore or hate the church is because they are told that their self-realization, and their happiness is condemned as a sin. They are told that they'll probably be miserable for a long time and that if they just abstain and pray that eventually they'll grow into happiness at some point (kind of like a mail-order-bride). If they don't subscribe to that theory then they are pegged as sinners, almost untouchables. They lean toward drugs and sex, and who would blame them, living in this world without Jesus. But that's another thing. The LGBT community is a community of strong individuals. There's more to it than drugs, AIDS, and partying, just like there's more to the black community than welfare, crack, robbery and violence. There are LGBT lawyers, doctors, plumbers, homeless people, pastors, husbands, wives, parents, children, teachers, and everything else. They have to work just as hard as any other marginalized groups to dispel stereotypes and fight to create opportunities for those who are too badly injured emotionally, socially, spiritually, and sometimes physically. Sound familiar?
God's wrath was satisfied with the death and resurrection of his son, but even then, how do we know what God truly thinks? The most accurate parts of the bible are the words of Jesus, himself; God in the form of man. Out of all the red text in the bible, it boils down to this: have no other god before the God and to love your neighbor as yourself. A constant quest for purity distracts us from God's call for compassion, love and mercy above all. That's how we lead by example (which Jesus did and what we are called to do). Fanatical Christians do more damage for God's kingdom than the devil ever could. People stop fighting to join or to be accepted by a community where they are not wanted. We are called to love people as people because they are people. God made people in his image. Accepting and tolerating are not the same thing. How can you love your neighbor if you don't let yourself get too close, if you don't care about their struggles, if you invalidate their pain? Would you keep your distance from God? The other eight commandments, the fruits of the spirit, the beattitudes. Those are our guides that tell us how we should live our lives down on earth. They don't mention anything about homosexuality. What will change about a person because they are gay or transgendered besides their happiness? What will change about me? I won't say I won't change because we are all changing all the time, but I'll still be me. It says in Matthew that we are to be judged based on how we treat the least among us. Being polite isn't going to cut it when God asks us how we loved his children.
As Christians, we are to model our lives on earth as Jesus lived his on earth. Jesus and his disciples shared company with Eunichs (the sexual deviants at the time) and said they would be welcome in his kingdom. Then why do we as Christians tell them something different? Isn't it better to have someone in the LGBT community on fire for the Lord than a cis-gender, heterosexual person preaching the opposite message? Sure, a gay man could fight to change who he found attractive, I could try even harder to beat my happiness into submission, but isn't that wasting time? What should our focus really be? Getting used to something, not minding something isn't always the way to go. You can stop minding your husband hitting you when he's upset, you can get used to burning your fingers on your crack pipe, you can get used to not going to church, you can not mind being disrespected.
Leviticus 20:13 says that man lying with man is detestable. Leviticus 11:12 says that the consumption of shellfish is an abomination. Which sounds worse to you? How do some people get to decide which parts are antiquated and which aren't? The bible says in James 2:10 "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." So if we are going to spend the short time we have here on earth following the bible literally instead of learning the lessons that help us love god, others, and ourselves then we should throw away all of our pants. Any clothing made from more than one material? Gone. (Leviticus 19:19) No more cooking soul food because we aren't allowed to touch the skin of unclean animals and to wash it to be cooked, you'd have to touch it. Bacon, pigs feet, all of it. (Leviticus 11:8) All female ministers need to be unordained. Now. Women can't even talk in church.(1 Timothy 2:11-12) And if you're on your period, don't even come. (Leviticus 15:25) The barbers and razor companies would all go out of business because cutting hair and shaving are sinful.(Leviticus 19:27) Imagine the next time you see a lady in a sleeveless shirt. All the PK's who have lost their way and have become sexually promiscuous are to be brought to the town square to be burned at the stake. (Leviticus 21:9) Why aren't there sermon's on these? No sects of Christianity that focus on these (i.e "God Hates Fags")? Why doesn't anyone tell the clean shaven man that God doesn't love him? No signs protesting Red Lobster? And no one feels guilty for buying a 75% cotton shirt. These all seem outdated and nit-picky. Well so does the one we started off with. The story that is often brought up is that of Sodom and Gomorrah but, ironically, the hero of that particular story is Abraham who pleaded for mercy for the condemned. The heroes are not those cheering it on.
With all that said, I'm not gay, but since you refuse to see that I'm not, I decided to stick up for them too. When I said that this made me happy, I don't think I made clear what I really meant. I've been struggling with depression long before you picked up on it. I've held hatred toward myself since an age you wouldn't believe if I told you. You refer to my "stint" with cutting as "back then" but what you didn't know is that I never stopped. Getting caught just made me a better liar. The day I saw you cry because of it was the day I decided to make sure you never heard about it again. As your child, I didn't want to be the cause of your pain. You asked me if I was doing it for attention but attention was the last thing I wanted. If anything, I wanted you to hate me so that when I took my life, I wasn't missed. I attempted suicide quite a few times, I even struggled with eating disorders. I wanted to lose all the fat from my body so that all that would be left were muscles and my hips and boobs and period would disappear. I continued cutting up until shortly after I realized I was trans. It was when I read a blog someone wrote about appreciating our bodies because they've carried up through to this point and will carry us forward that I decided to stop hurting myself because those scars would be transferred to my new life. That is the life I got tired of living. That is the life I asked God to deliver me from.
You said that it was unfair for me to expect you to just adapt and that I should have told you when we were in therapy. I didn't come to terms with this until April so how could I have told you back then? Then all I knew was that I hated myself and everyone around me would probably be better off in my absence. What's not fair is to be told that your happiness is sinful. It's not fair to have to deal with a lifetime of feeling like you don't belong anywhere. It's not fair to get your clothes taken away, or to be told who you can and can't be friends with. It's not fair to be told that your happiness is unfair.
You said that my calling was to those of the LGBT community and you were right. I can see that now. But what I know and what you think it should be are different. I believe that part of what I'm supposed to do here on earth is show them God's love and let them know that he loves them back. You said that you were told to pray about my "sexuality". Sexuality refers to a lot of things but if you're praying for me, pray that God's will be done in my life. Don't pray against me. You said that I shouldn't try to make you be politically correct but that's exactly what turns people off about Christians. You can't try to cure someone with diabetes using cancer medicine. If you're going to try to "fix" someone you can't call them what they are not. You also said that God doesn't differentiate between transsexuality and homosexuality. I don't think that a God with such an important mission, who wanted only the best for his children, a God who is timeless and just as modern as he is ancient, would say something like "Oh, yeah. I meant that too." I believe that the bible is very explicit so that there's little confusion. It's humans that try to interpret it to fit their own desires and wills that confuse everyone.
You said that God couldn't be involved in this and I know you were wrong because I see and hear him daily in the little things and the big things. Things that happen in my life can't possibly all be a coincidence. You said that you were angry because God has placed this burden upon you. I say don't curse your blessings. This thing is a very small part of who I am. God gave you two awesome kids. You've said things like "any other parent wouldn't tolerate ______" or that you work hard to do x, y, and z for us. I don't deny that you've sacrificed a lot for us but so have we. We are in school, no babies, drugs, alcohol, gangs, limited cussing, decent grades, loving church, loving God, wanting to learn more everyday from books, from school, and from the people around us, and I don't know of very many kids so involved in their parents' ministry. And yea sometimes we do get an attitude but we have bad days, low tolerance for certain things, and feel underappreciated sometimes just like everyone else. You told me I was beautiful hoping I would look in the mirror and finally see it but it only felt like a slap in the face, like you didn't support me, like you didn't believe me.
I didn't appreciate you downplaying my adulthood under the guise of being black. That has nothing to do with adulthood, nor does age. Paying bills is an acquired skill but it's how you view life that makes you an adult. Knowing that your way isn't necessarily the best way, realizing that others' purpose in life is not to please you, learning to be respectful and assertive, accepting responsibility, learning how to communicate, gaining the ability to see another person's perspective or to empathize, THAT is how you become an adult. The age of consent is different everywhere so I know that age means nothing. Is a 30-year-old man with no intent to find work who lives off of others more of an adult than the 15-year-old has to raise his brothers and sisters?
As an adult I realize that I have to accept the consequences of my actions, but I also know that consequences are inevitable. I've weighed the pros and cons of going through the process of changing my outside to match my inside a million times and I never stop exploring new possibilities. Sometimes I have doubts but I know there is no way I could go back. It would be the stupidest thing I've done if I ask God for a solution and then ignore it. This is who I am, not who I have chosen to be. I've been given the choice to decide how to deal with it but that choice is no choice at all. I was once told this story I'll relate to you: A child was born without the ability to feel pain. When he was out playing, he was badly injured but because he could not feel it, he never went home to be bandaged and held by his parents. I don't believe God tests us. Tests are to see what the person you are testing knows or doesn't know. However, God knows everything, including what we are thinking and what we know. I do believe that God allows us to experience pain so that we will run back to him to be healed and reassured and, so far, that has been my experience.
I love you and respect you but as we get older, our roles as children and parents change. Before legal adulthood, your job is to guide, protect, and control, and mine is to absorb. Now it is time for me to take control of my own life and it is your job to support me as your offspring. I have to manage my time, to accept consequences, to experience things, but most importantly I have to try. I have to try to be the best I can be and to make my own life. This is my way of taking the reins and setting out on my own journey. This letter wasn't meant offensively but to let you know that I've made my decision and that I won't change my mind. I'm prepared to do this on my own. I'd love to have you be a part but not in the way you have until this point. The tests are inconclusive and "remedies" that you may be told will cure me don't work. You aren't the first set of parents to want to "fix" their transgender child and several trans people want to try and fix themselves too. But there is no way to fix it but through transition. Transition is different for everyone but for me it means taking a hormone, which is no different than taking birth control. It will also mean having a male contoured chest which is accomplished through a surgical procedure. To me this is no different than removing two tumors and will make me lighter, happier, and healthier. If you want to respond, I'd appreciate it in the form of writing. When you're ready to talk to you son, the line is open. If I don't hear back, I'll assume that you're leaving me to steer through this part of my journey without you (which I'll understand). This letter is not meant to be disrespectful, only to let you know that I've made up my mind.
With all my love,
Zay
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