My first letter and the results

Here's the letter I wrote to my gf and I'll type out what she said to me after. I read this to her over the phone.

I know you and I have discussed this many times but here we go again. I have no doubt that God has blessed me by letting our paths cross. You were someone who showed me love that'd I'd never experienced before. You told me that I didn't have to walk on eggshells with you and that we could work through anything. I hope you meant what you said. It started with you stealing my phone, trying to figure out what I was hiding. I figured I'd help you out and bared my soul. And because you felt love for me you took it upon yourself to lead me back to what you thought was right. Every time we talk about it, we grow apart and I thought I was pushing my blessing away so each time I listened intently and tried to line up my thoughts and visions for myself with yours. But sometimes it'd take a week, a day, an hour, a minute until those thoughts would re-enter my thought process. You told me it couldn't be God, that it was coming from the devil so like the good Christian I aspire to be I tried to bind satan, rebuke his hold and force myself in the opposite direction but still I'd fall into his clutches. Or so I thought.

Rewind to the 2-year-old running around, to the 4-year-old talking to strangers like they were old friends, to the 5-year-old they're trying to shut up. Fast forward to a steadily declining morale of a once lively kid, beginning to regret their existence. Skip to a 13-year-old who already thought their life was over, who thought they were a failure for failing to get their heart to fail. Wearing long sleeves and long pants and baggy clothes to hide the fat or lack there of. They think God is punishing them, trying to deal with them, trying to break them. A hardheaded new teen trying to take on God or go down trying. Then a 17-year-old, four years past their expiration date falls prostrate, tired of seeing the world with a black tint prays for forgiveness and for a clear view; his view. I'm on YouTube like I usually do and stumble upon a video that sums up the feelings I could never express and gives them a name. On April 4, 2009, I experienced God's peace for the first time. Everything seemed right til you told me it was wrong and because you were looking out for me I tried to go along and move on. Til just last month I fell prostrate again, praying for him to remove these thoughts for good not knowing that they'd come directly for him. But with that tearful prayer he revealed that and all that I'm about to tell you.

You are probably skeptical, as was I, that this is something that God could be a part of but after a deperate prayer, God opened my eyes to see that he was ordering my steps. As much as I hated westridge while I was there, it has definitely proven part of God's plan. Ms. Love came during my senior year and she was the first person I told in the spring. She didn't judge me but supported me even though we did not have much time to discuss it. That year we also needed a guitar player for the MLK assembly and Ms. Love brought her friend Sara who I clicked with automatically. We continued our friendship from that day and though unbeknown at the time, I later found out that Sara was transgender as well and she has supported me through my uncertainties, never pushing me in either direction but by just being there. Coach K also knows and is supportive and I'm grateful for the relationship I was able to build with her over my time there. Westridge has also allowed me to get into UCLA.

Meagan was the first friend I made at UCLA and we've remained friends. In the middle of FSP, which was also a blessing that I got into, we discovered that we both identified the same way. I cannot imagine having a better support than a good friend dealing with the same issues. Juan and Carina are also supportive. For the time being, Meagan has chosen to go by Micah. UCLA is also located in Los Angeles near West Hollywood and Santa Monica which both have lots of resources and support for trans people. It's also allowed me to be close enough to meet Pica, another trans person my age, who introduced me to Tawny who is going to Westmont to study to be able to help people like me Micah and Pica. She's helped me to understand that God is not separate from this and helped me to gain the courage to bring you guys into the light. Both of them are Christian. UCLA also offers an affinity group for trans people and specifically transmen and next year they will be started a whole trans program that is connected with the health services. In addition, the university insurance will pay for a lot of the steps needed already and even more next year.

You said that you could very well be the answer to my prayer and I realize that you were a part of it but not all of it. Not only did you show me love but you made me want to get closer to God. You made me think and if nothing else, you made me wait until I was ready.

I understand things a lot more if they have a metaphor or a parallel and in that vein, God has brought 3 stories to my attention that apply to my situation. The first story is of Abraham. He waited forever to have a son and then was asked to sacrifice him to accomplish God's agenda. Because he was obedient, he was allowed to keep his son. These are my relationships. I'm not a very social person so I cherish the friendships I have and I'm very aware that the decision to follow through with this may cause me to lose some of those but I'm confident that God has my back. I'm hoping through my obedience, I'll be allowed to keep what's important to me too. When God's plan was revealed what he had in store for Abraham it took him a minute to figure out whether or not it was real but then he decided to believe in what God had clearly told him. When Sara was told, she did not believe it, discounted it, and assumed she was not a part of it and tried to forcefully excluded herself from the equation but she was meant to be an integral part of God's plan. I know that God has blessed me with your presence and also with this and I know that no two things that are of God can be mutually exclusive. I know that everything has a time and a season but I also know that God will handle that and make that clear so I hope that you will continue to give me the love I believe God has placed you in my path to give and continue to allow me to love you the way God has placed me in your path to give. God revealed to Joseph that he was someone on the inside that no one could see from the outside. When Joseph shared this, he was harshly judged and even hated. He became the person he was to become by enduring trials and learning patience, much like I'll have to do during this process. When he was out becoming who God wanted him to be, his parents thought he had died but because God was ordering his steps, he became an even more valuable resource to his family and to an entire nation. I realize that during this process, you'll have to mourn the loss of your daughter but as I grow more comfortable and more confident and continue to lean on and listen to God, I'll become a better child, sibling, friend, student, and human being because everything is linked. The final story God gave me was of Esther who was forced to hide who she really was thinking that it was for the best. But when those around her were threatened to be persecuted, she had a choice to make. Because she chose to reveal who she really was, she was able to educate those who had already written her people off and to save those she loved. One of the reasons I have gone so back and forth on this issue and have waited so long to tell you is because I thought that my decision would have a negative effect on your ministry but when I prayed about it, it became clear that two things ordained by God could not be mutually exclusive and that God would protect your ministry and that this new undertaking in my life would be a part of my own ministry (probably starting with Micah).

Since April, you've given me many reasons why I shouldn't do this and when they were presented I didn't have a response but God has helped me with those too. Here are a few that I've chosen to share because they may be things you're thinking as well.
1. God does't make mistakes
I'm not claiming that God has made a mistake. I'm asserting that this was part of his plan. There are some things growing up female have done that will and already have affected me in a way that I wouldn't have been affected growing up male. For example, going to an all girl's school especially with girly friends has taught me how and how not to treat whomever God blesses me with and also will steer me away from operating in a mode of male chauvinism (which I can also help Jarren with) and if nothing else, this experience will help me with my own kids.

2. If you were meant to be a boy, you would have been born one
Nobody knows what they'll be when they grow up. They show signs and traits that point or steer them toward a direction they'll grow into with the help and support of loved ones and their own investments. This is the a different situation but the same template.

3. You'd be destroying God's temple
If this were true then any modification to God's temple should be weighed equally including braces, teeth whitening, breast augmentations, botox, tans, laser eye surgery, any sort of cosmetic surgery, reconstructive surgery, make up, hair cuts, pierced ears, or anything else.

4. Plenty of girls start out tomboys and eventually grown into their femininity
Honestly, I'm beginning my adult years. If it were going to happen, it would have happened already.

5. I felt like that too then changed my perspective and now I'm happy
Not everyone with similar beginnings are meant to follow the same path. We both wanted to be NBA players. My career peaked in middle school but lead me to you. Yours is still going and has opened doors for you and continued to be a strong part of your life. We both were started in music at a young age. Your run with music ended a little early and mine is still strong and has opened doors for me and attracted you to me.

6. God gave you parents who wouldn't support something like this for a reason
Learning is not omnidirectional, it happens both ways; kids learn from parents and the parents learn from kids. Just because my mom's family wasn't christian didn't mean she wasn't supposed to be and because she decided to be despite naysayers, her whole family is now saved. They also didn't support music but that was the path god had chosen for her.

With that said, I hope I will have your support in this but I'm also prepared to continue should you decide you can't because I know that God is behind this. I know you must have a lot of questions and I hope you will feel comfortable enough to ask them and I'll to my best to provide the answers but I don't know everything either. Part of this process is choosing a name. I'm telling you this now because I want you to know that I've given a lot of thought to this as well and that I wasn't just waiting on an omen. The name I've chosen for myself is Zavier Nehemiah Alexander DaVonn Heidelberg. It's long but there's no law against that. Zavier has been the name I liked from the very beginning. I wanted my name to be meaningful to me so I looked it up and it meant "new house" and "bright". I was kind of disappointed but decided to make it up with my middle name(s). But when God revealed everything else to me he also opened my eyes to why the meaning is not so random after all. The new house is my new body, a new outer appearance but the inside is still the same. And bright is accurate because with a testimony like this I have no choice but to reflect the light of the world. We visited a church one sunday and the pastor was teaching on Nehemiah. I liked that he cried for the plight of others and thought that described me well. I also liked that he was so passionate about God's business. Nehemiah means comforter and while I may rile your nerves, I tend to have the opposite effect on other people. Alexander means warrior and that's exactly what I'll have to be. I chose to keep DaVonn because I like the ties it has to our family being that it's a combination of my aunt's names and I also like the fact that my mom gave it to me.

There is no way that I could have come up with this on my own and there's no way that all this could fall into place without his help.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Her verbal response was "Is there more? Ok. I have to go, I'll ttyl"

Then her text response was as follows: "im not lookin for a reply. im done. believe/choose what u want. know it has nothing to do with God! i don't agree with the choice or reasoning. idk what else to say rite now. but take it as they come. there will be more. Dinner is fine as far as dland is concerned dont stretch yourself. if you cant afford it dont bother*. ya idk what else to tell you. as of now r&b is over/never was**. friends sure i guess. as ur friend i hope u understand my view still and see that you may still be wrong and you should tell your parents if you're serious cuz its not fair 2 others if u got it easy."

* for her birthday she was going to dinner the day before and to disneyland on the actual day. just an hour ago she was telling me that if I couldn't afford it, her mom was willing to help me out. So that was pretty much her way of uninviting me.
**R&B was the code name for our relationship.

I asked her to explain what she meant by the fair part and she said "No." and then told me that I should tell my parents before the new year because I was lying to them and because she couldn't keep the secret.

I can't say I didn't expect this so I had already prayed about it before hand and the lord brought something I'd heard to mind. I'll post it here for you guys cuz it's helped me a lot.

Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away.There ain't no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it's dead it's gone. Let it go!

If somebody wants to walk out of your life, LET THEM GO no matter how much it may hurt, you have to let people go. They will realize what they had, but by then it’s too late. Also we need to realize some people come in to our lives for a season, the others for a lifetime, and to stop getting our lifetime expectations mixed with those seasonal people. I believe these seasonal people are meant to come and teach us one thing, and then for us to go on. Everybody that comes into our lives is like a piece of a tree

Leaves: Unstable as hell, all over the place, and usually just there to take from the tree, never to give

Branches... these you gotta be careful about, they’ll make you think they are a real good friend and strong, but the moment you step out there on them they break and leave you high and dry.

Roots... These are the ones that aren't going anywhere, when you have a few roots in your life it is all you need, because without those roots, the tree could not survive

I'll probably come out to my parents tomorrow so I'll keep you posted.

Over n Out
-Zay

Progress so far

So I finished the first draft of my my coming out letter to my parents. I'm having a friend look over it to make sure it sounds smooth and I want to maybe add something. I'll post the final draft when it's all done. After this one I have potentially 3 more to go: for my gf, for my friends, and for my lil bro.

I've also decided to start taking the steps toward getting T. I was going to call up the LA Gay Center today but they're not open until Monday so hopefully I don't lose my fervor before then.

This Christmas was kind of disappointing. The gifts aren't important but they are appreciated. I have probably mentioned this in previous posts but my mother desperately wants me to be girly. I got money and a post-it holder from my dad, an armband from my brother, a screen protector from my gf...and a sweater dress and earrings from my mother. I literally wanted to cry. I intend on coming out soon so hopefully that ends up being before the return period is over cuz I don't want to hurt her feelings but at the same time she knows I don't like stuff like that regardless of my gender identity so I was kind of hurt that she chose to buy me something she wanted rather than what I wanted.

I've also changed my name. The updated version is Zavier Nehemiah Alexander DaVonn Heidelberg. I'm debating on the spelling of my first name. Zavier, XaVier, Xavier...idk. I like writing Z's in cursive...that's really the only reasoning I have right now and that it'd be easier to pronounce correctly the first time.

I also have the opportunity to come out to a friend tomorrow but I'm not yet quite sure. I think that's it for now. I'm sleepy

Over n Out
--Zay

The sleepover

was great :) I got called Zay/Xavier and he the whole time and I got to visit the LA Gay & Lesbian center which is probably where I'll be getting my prescription when it's time. My friend had an appt there today. It was a really nice building. Lots of smiley people. Very diverse. Everyone just seemed happy to be there and happy to help. It was also very professional, not a shack or a dilapidated building. They even had gender neutral bathrooms on the 2nd floor.

Then I got back home and right away with the 'she'-ing....

In other news, during the period where I was trying to force myself not to be trans, I hid my binder from myself and I CAN'T FIND IT! I've looked everywhere at home and at school and I really can't find it. But I guess it's ok because I want a different style anyways and when I get my new financial aid check I'll be getting either a 994 or a 983. Both of them would reduce or eliminate the annoying rolling up that binders love to do. Guess that's it for now.

Over n Out
-Zay

zOMG!!! Sleepoverrrrrr!

I'm going over my friend's house with my other friend. I'm excited because I get to be Zay tonight until tomorrow afternoon :) That is all.

So!

I've been home a week and it's been painful. On thursday my mom's performing arts school had their christmas recital and my mom made me wear her clothes and heels and earrings. Yesterday I dressed like I would dress any other day and I could see the pain in my mother's eyes wondering where she went wrong or something and she kept sighing and looking into the distance and repeating "are you sure you don't want to wear earrings?"

I just woke up from a dream where I came out to my little brother who then wanted nothing to do with me. My parents didn't want to hear what I had to say and all my friends faded away. But despite the negativity of it, that dream, thursday night and all the young lady comments i've received have really made me want to come out before i go back to school.

So over the next few days, I'm hoping to write seperate letters to my parents, my lil brother, my gf and her family and my friends. After that It's on them. I'll post what I come up with here when I'm done.

Life Update

So I've been going back and forth on whether or not I was going to really get into this and the answer is yes. Here's why:

Me and my girlfriend have fought a lot about this. She's always tried to talk me out of it in one way or another, showing me different sides, opinions, approaches and solutions which I've tried to adapt to but somehow I could never let this go. The main things holding me back were fear that I was going against God and that I would lose my girlfriend.

But recently I've been praying really hard about this issue because I didn't want either of those outcomes and wanted to just let the issue go. Instead of bringing me the ability to accept what I'd been born as, I couldn't leave it alone. In fact, the more I prayed, the more He revealed to me that this trial, this annoyance, this confusion, this process was all part of His plan. It just took one hint at a time of desperation to reveal all the other hints I'd looked over: my major, choice of school, friends, even the names I'd chosen for myself. XaVier means new house like the new body I'll be creating to match how I feel on the inside. It also means bright as I am to be as a reflection of the light of the world.

I was also worried about losing the love of my life but God has calmed that fear as well. He gave me the story of Abraham and how he was willing to sacrifice what was most important to him here on earth to fulfill God's agenda. My girl promises that we can work together through anything and that nothing will affect our friendship so I just hope this comes under that warranty. I need someone who loves me on a deeper level to help. She's so passionate about what she's involved in that I know it would be good to have her support in this. But I also believe that if we part, we'll end up back together or that if we're not meant to be together forever, the one who was made for me will be found. I'm a firm believer that everything and everyone has a time and a season and I'm trying to appreciate everything that comes into my life for what it is and not try to stretch it or shorten its time and mar the blessing or the lesson. With that said, I love my girl. She's my queen.

I've never felt such peace. I'm thinking more clearly, though just as fast. I'm just happier although I'm anxious hoping I dont miss my cue or jump the gun. I guess that's it for now.

Over n Out
-- bright new house comforter warrior (xavier nehemiah alexander aka zay)

Finally...

I cut my hair. Thanksgiving's in less than a week and my family doesnt know. Today would have been an amazing day had I not gotten my phone stolen. The fact that I miss my girlfriend like crazy doesn't help either. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I'll post pics of me with my new hair and new clothes whenever I get them

Neil Armstrongin' it

So today (Friday even though it feels like Thursday) is a huge step for me in my transition. I'm going to an actual store to buy man clothes. My girlfriend is getting initiated into her fraternity on Saturday and I wanted to look nice. I ordered some non-shiny dressy shoes and I'm getting those tomorrow too. I'm going to get a black belt and black tie, a black sweater and khakis if they have them. If not, I'll wear my nicer pair of jeans (I only have 2 pair). And I need socks I guess but I have thin ones if the tab is already high. I also might cut my hair tomorrow. FINALLY! My girlfriend is down but she said she wanted to go with me. That means I'd have to wait until January essentially and I don't know if I really wanna wait that long. I don't know if I can. I want her to be a part of it especially because she wants to but I also kinda just wanna show up sexy for her tomorrow. So we'll see. I hope she's too blinded by my sexy to be mad that I didn't wait.

I am loving my new deodorant. My gf digs the smell :-) I want to get axe body wash tomorrow too. I just want the world I guess. I'll post pictures if I remember to take them.

Oh! More man clothes news: I am wearing a full tux tomorrow. Yay! and my new boxerbriefs came but only 2 out of 4 so I have to make a call...but yep. Tomorrow/today will be a good day.

And it's the day of remembrance. I don't know if I can go to the on-campus event because I have class but I want to show up and support for the last hour.

Ok I'm done.

Over n Out

-XaVier Nehemiah (Zay)

Step by Step

These past couple of days have been pretty good. On Monday I decided to reclaim my trans identity. My spirits have been unusually high just based on that fact alone. I'm not even sure how far I want to take my transition but just allowing myself to feel and think the way that I do has made a big difference. My friend keeps saying I'm acting different. When I'm not depressed, my adhd comes through a lot more. What can I say?

Today was a day of many firsts including my first doctor's appointment without my mom and MY FIRST DEPO SHOT!!!!! Cost me $56 too but I'm glad I did it. It's not T or anything but its a start in the direction I wanna go. My booty cheek hurts tho... My next shot is in February and at that point, I'll be halfway to never having a 'monthly bill' again.

Two small victories today:

1. In my performance group there are 2 guys, a girl and me. Today during rehearsal, after repeatedly demonstrating my lack of knowledge of the female culture (i.e. "What's a halter top?" among others), the girl goes "why do I feel like the only girl in the room?" I wanted to say "cuz you are" but I just smiled. And it gets better. One of the guys goes "cuz I'm a guy..." and I turn around to see the girl pointing at me and mouthing something I'm sure was along the lines of "but she is." The guy then says "cuz she's cool..." Ha! I'm cool! Even with the pronoun thing it was nice to hear. And the same guy is letting me wear his tux for our performance :)

2. I was getting food and I turn around and some girls boobs are in my face. Slightly offended at their unashamed protrusion, I told my friend who then asked me "Ah...not a boob man?" :) I don't know if I'd call myself a man yet. I feel like I still have a lot of learning and maturing to do but being recognized as male even in half-joking was cool.

But I'm totally wiped and I can't keep my eyes open much longer so for now...

Over n Out,

Zay

Questions for today

...and everyday. These are some of the questions that plague me daily:

Why is it wrong to be me?

Why is being able to love myself mutually exclusive of being loved by others?

Why is the only time I can see myself and be myself when I'm alone?

Why can I only hear my voice in the midst of silence?

Would God still love me?

Is this God's doing?

Is this a test?

Am I making this up?

Would I end up in hell?

Am I willing to go to hell for this?

Am I doing this to myself?

Is this how I really feel?

When all is said and done, will I be alone?

Will I be happy?

Will I be worse off?

Would crying help?

Why can't I let myself cry?

Am I sabotaging my future?

Can I be a good husband? Brother? Son? Friend?

Will I even get the chance to prove it?

Will I lose my girl?

Will I lose my friends?

Will I lose my family?

Who is Zay?

How is he different from Ayanna?

Will I like him?

Will everyone else like him?

Will he be who I am or just another role to play?

I'm back on Mensroom and I'm gonna start my transition one painful step at a time. Hopefully I can figure out the answers to these and the others before I come to the crossroads. I'm really back this time, I'm just not sure in what capacity or for how long. We'll just wing it.

--Xavier

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back (I'm back)

I'll explain my absense in another post. I just wanted to post this video.

This video made me think for two reasons: 1) Because I already have alot of those traits and 2) Because I'm not sure if I want the ones I don't have (i.e. the instant sexual thoughts and the lack of empathy)

Oh. PS I have another blog if u wanna follow that one too. Just randoms/frustrations I guess: http://silent-ire.blogspot.com/

Assignment From My Big Sis #1

So I got the assignment to describe myself from my earliest memories until now. Then i'm supposed to talk about my family demographic. So... here goes the first part:

4 years old:

• i went to like 4 different preschools
• at third to last one, there was a water day. i didnt do it cuz my mom made me wear a bathing suit and wouldnt buy me trunks
• somewhere around here is about the time i started fighting/crying when my mom put dresses on me
• last preschool i didnt play with anybody. girls didnt like me, guys ignored me

5 years old:

• Don Benito
• only had 1 female friend. That'd be gabi
• refused to wear those dumb mary jane shoes my mom bought me cuz everyone else's daughter was wearin em
• started wanting to have a penis/use urinals/mens bathrooms
• regularly attended my dad's mens group meetings and only attended my mom's womens bible study every once in a while. felt more comfortable at the former
• brother born 2 months before the end of kindergarten
• fun fact: around the time of my brothers birth, i had real milk for the first time and had an asthma attack. good times
• also the first time i used cocoa butter
• when i started not liking myself

Some Mo' Vloggers fa Ya'll

Howdy do! It's been a minute but I thought it would be cool to recommend some resources in the form of people...in front of a camera...talking. So! Here are the people I'm subscribed to. If you have any suggestions hit me up and let me know.

Trans brothers (or male-leaning gender variant ppl):

Andile

Evan

Jeryah

Mak

Curtis

Nathan

Cayes

Dominik

Tyler

Kaden

Nick [dormant]

Kris

Xavier H.

Kamari

Rico

Milo

Trae

Antoyneo

Jordan

Brian

Sean

Devin

Shaan

Keanu

Xavier M.

Tyhler

Taylor

Trans Sistaz (or female leaning gender variant ppl):

Krista

Diamond

Pitiful. I know. I need more!

Sooooo......That's what I have for you guys so far. If you have any suggestions I'll add em to the list!

Videeyoz

I realize that several of the topics I've talked about on this blog, I've done videos for on the MensRoom YouTube collaboration channel and vice versa so I've decided to update those blog posts by embedding the video. Those would be:

Nice to Meet Ya (Introduction)

Say My Name, Say My Name (Choosing my name)

I'm Comin' Out (Coming out...clearly)

and some others I may have forgotten. So just letting you know i'm going back and doing that and I'll be doing that from now on...if I can remember.

Update on my life as of June 4th

Ok. I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first? Everybody in the movies always says bad first, so I guess I'll honor that tradition. 

Bad News:

Dysphria - A deep mofo. It means I'm hyper-sensitive to the fact that my brain and my body don't match. Happens pretty much constantly when I'm around my mom or when I'm out which is why I'm such a recluse. I want people to meet/see Zay, not Ayanna. But when I get my monthly bill (Ladiez Dayz, Red Monster, The Curse), it gets so much worse. First, I am disappointed, then I get depressed. I start regretting my existence or convincing myself that I wasn't meant to be happy. I stay pissed off at Pinocchio. Why? Because he got to say "I'm a real boy!" and I know I will never get that chance. 

The extra estrogen makes me act uncharacteristically femenine (at least to me). I feel like crying for no reason, I get offended and defensive, and in situations where I have the options of "fight or flight" I choose flight. I'm definitely a lover instead of a fighter and so normally I choose flight unless I'm at my wit's end or something has happened to a loved one. But when I choose flight, it's to keep the peace. During "hell week", I choose flight because I lack the assuredness to say anything. 

I start feeling like I should give up transition goals and continue living my life as a girl to make other people happy. For about 4 days, I engrain that into my brain with a hammer. The last few days, I start coming back to myself but the thoughts don't leave immediately. They drift very slowly with alot of self-reflection. Today is my last day so I'm back to your regular grade dysphoria, hoping for, wishing for, praying about, planning out, and counting down my transition and being disgusted with my body. Yay!

Frustration/Confusion -  DISCLAIMER: IF YOU READ THIS, YOU MAY GET TO KNOW ME IN A WAY YOU MAY NEVER HAVE WANTED TO. AKA ADULT CONVERSATION. 

I've been really struggling with my sexuality lately. If you've read some of my other posts, you know I have a boyfriend and I love him. That's not even a factor in the situation. Here's the thing: Sexually, I know I could never be with a woman. As far as being a husband, I can't see myself with a wife, only a husband. But, when I picture myself at college, I can't imagine myself being a "gay boy". Not that I have to be a part of that scene or play into the stereotypes. Even as I type this now, I'm conflicted. I know I should only be trying to look good for my babe, and I completely agree but I just FEEL like I should be with a woman. I don't want to and I wouldn't like it at all and I love my babe yet I feel like its what I'm meant to do. That scares me alot.

Good News:

My friend ARRO invited me to hang with her and her friends at Pride. The only downer is I need a ride and my mom is soooo not gonna let me go to that! We'll see tho. I'm sneakin out.

A Coming Out Letter

One I'll personally be using bits of. Very powerful:

Dear mom and dad, 

I know since I've come to college I've been a little distant. I want you to know that even with the dautning amounts of work that that isn't the whole reason. I've been running over how I was going to word this conversation for weeks now and I had to write it down in order for me to get my whole point across and make myself entirely clear. 

As you know or have noticed, I've never been very femenine or girly. I was never the one for dresses and bows or long hair and boyfriends. All my life I've had trouble fitting in and making friends. In grade school, my depression from not being true to who I was hit dangerous levels. I feel that the one issue I never addressed was the one that was the underlying cause.

After years of trying to ignore what my brain was telling me and trying to be a girl and trying to play the part that was never meant for me, I've come to terms with what role I want and need in the future. I've never been comfortable with this body and never thought of myself as female. Some of my earliest memories are praying to God that I would grow up to be a boy. I've thought of a million different ways to do this and thought a hundred more times about whether this was the right thing for me to do. 

This past year at school has been one of severe soul searching and trying to understand what the disconnection is between my body and my brain means. There have been many a night lying awake just asking "why" and although I have yet to find the answer, I realize that I may never find the answer. All I know is how to address the issue and move forward with my life. 

This isn't some kind of self-mutilation or any kind of social statement, but rather the culmination of many a night spent using the resources I have here on campus and talking to alot of people within the LGBT community. It's been a lifelong issue for me that I've tried every point of view on, but I'm done just speculating, going through bouts of depression and sleepless nights over this. I'm done trying to ignore that there is something wrong or hide my feelings by being fake and acting like a girl. 

I've come to recognize that my physical body does not match what my brain has thought for these past 19 years. I'm finally coming to terms with myself and how I want to deal with becoming who I know I am. As you know, coming out to you as a lesbian was something that wasn't easy for me. As much as it took me to take that leap, this one is so much more daunting. 

This is the conclusion I've come to after years of ignoring the real issue: I realize now that I'm not a female psycologically but at this point, I'm not focused on what's gotten me to this point but more to where I want to go from here. Coming out the first time was a rough task and in a sense I'm doing it all over again but this time as being transgendered. I can no longer lie to myself. I am now identifying myself as male and wish to be referred to with such pronouns. I'm beginning to use the name Brian James, not only because the male form of Bridgette is Brian but I would really like to keep the initials I was born with. 

I know this is hard for you to watch (your little girl become your young man), but know it hasn't been easy for me to come to terms with and even now it's a bit scary. This is why this summer, when I return home for summer break, I want to see a psychologist; one who can help me sort through these feelings and decide whether or not I should start hormone therapy. At this point in my life, I'm satisfied with just binding my chest. Although I'm not glad I have breasts, I dont want surgery. For each transgender, the degree of physical change needed is different and for me, I feel that hormones would give my brain and body what is so desperately longed for. 

I don't want this to upset you, but I feel that I can no longer hide what my feelings are. I wish like hell that this wasn't the case, but I can no longer take any more dysphoria and need to take the necessary steps to correct it. The realization of this necessary change is one that brings a relief of finally coming to terms with who I am. 

I know that you both love me dearly and that this is hard for you to hear, but keeping you involved and informed about my life is essential to me and I value you more than I can put into words. Even though I have other support systems in place, the both of you are my foundation and all I ask for is your continued support and love, and know that all I've ever wanted was to make you proud. 

I know this is going to have a huge impact on our lives and I know the road isn't going to be easy. I just want you to see what I see in myself and realize how much more genuiune I'm being to myself about my gender. I'm still me, and I'm still your child. I know your worry for my safety and my future will be and are great. Yes, I've encountered obstacles, but i've come to realize the world is a much more accepting place than we tend to believe. 

This letter was beyond difficult to write just because of the seriousness of its content. You've commented before on how courageous you thought I was and I only hope that you can realize that I could have never done anything without you, which is why I wanted to address this now. I feel that this is the best time suited for me to make this transition and allow me the opportunity to get on with the rest of my life. 

This isn't something i can be talked out of. I can only hope that you would approach this in a way to gain a better understanding which is why I have emailed this to you now so that we can have a more productive conversation over spring break. i love you both dearly, and know that this letter comes from a place deep within that has been trying to see the light for the past 19 years.

With all my love, 

                         Brian

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dajHY-i6beM

This stuff made me cry

Watch This!

Skip the first minute:

This sucks royally but the ruling was as follows:  http://online.wsj.com/public/resources/documents/20090526gaymarriage.pdf

It sounds like we have another chance sometime relatively soon. I wish the president would step in.

Great Expectations (More Binder Stuff & Facebook)

10:20 or so

So hopefully my binder should be coming today! I'm really excited. I even dreamt about it. 

----------Dream Sequence---------

So I wake up and there's a box next to my bed. I open it and there are a whole bunch of textbooks and a few shirts in there. I find a note from Nick (The guy who runs the program) saying that this was so it would be less obvious what it was if my parents were to get to it first. So I go through the shirts and find the binder. I try to put it on and its as hard as everyone says but once I get it on, it does absolutely nothing. It was like wearing a tank top. So I was sad because of the long wait and also because you can't order another binder from the program for 6 months so I was stuck until at least the end of august without a binder.

-------Back to Life, Back to Reality---------

So I'm just waiting to the mailman now. On another note, my boyfriend finally broke down and got a facebook. Well one of my friends from school added him. None of my friends know either one of us is trans so they'll be confused that he has "interested in: men" and a shoutout to his boyfriend or that he's a biofemale. So we'll see how this plays out. I wanted to tell her soon anyways. Well all of my school friends. So stay tuned!

12:15 or so

Saw my mom go out to get the mail and saw my package in her hand. I was really excited but also kind of disappointed that I didn't get to it first. Then she knocks on my door:

Mom: Who's Nick Kunkel?

Me: I don't know. That's probably something I got from a website.

Mom: Well why don't we see what's in OUR package?

Me: It's not yours and I'm trying to work on my project so could you leave me alone?

Mom: Your a rude lil thang.

Me: *shrugs*

Mom: No strange men coming in the house, right?

Me: No...

Mom: Well why not just open it? *reaching around to grab it from me*

Me: I don't know what it is. It just came from a website I signed up for.

Mom: So you don't know what it is?

Me: No... *thinking "didn't I JUST say that?"*

Mom: Oh, ok.

Me:  *trying to make her forget about it* you wanna hear my project so far?

Mom: Yea, lemme here it.

Me: *plays it*

Mom: *Mentions getting together with one of her producer friends tomorrow and leaves without mentioning the package.*

Me: *thinking "mission accomplished"*

Another update/ maybe pics in 2 hours!

4:30 or so

What do you think? =D

Shoot me...

Conversation with me, my bf and my friend john:

----------------------------3 Days Ago--------------------------

(1:25 PM) Mr. Squishy: might i ask when you became a man?

(1:25 PM) BF: when i was 14
(1:26 PM) Mr. Squishy: and i believe zay has told me that you are now 22 correct?
(1:27 PM) BF: no tht i didnt know
(1:27 PM) Mr. Squishy: how old are you then if you dont mind me asking? im 19
(1:28 PM) BF: ill be 23 in aug..ur 19..young (1:29 PM) Mr. Squishy:
its cool that you and zay have your birthdays in the same month. and hey now, zay is younger than i am
(1:30 PM) BF: i know he is..he will be legal soon though
(1:30 PM) Mr. Squishy: legal for what?
(1:30 PM) ZayJROD: of age silly
(1:31 PM) BF: yea..he could do whatever without parental permission is all
(1:32 PM) Mr. Squishy: ah, i apologize. my mind went to dirty thoughts 
(1:32 PM) BF: hmm..well i wasnt thinking about sex..i was thinking about another type of thing..
(1:33 PM) Mr. Squishy: as in legally being allowed to change her gender without needing parental consent?
(1:34 PM) BF: he isnt a her...yes that is what i meant its alot easier for him to transition after that
(1:36 PM) Mr. Squishy: im not trying to offend anyone, but you must understand that im still working on getting used to referring to zay as a guy. ive known him as ayanna, a girl, for a VERY long time
(1:37 PM) BF: i understand, just try to correct urself is all..its cool

------------------Side Chat with just John as the above conversation continues------------------

1:29 PM) Mr. Squishy: zay?
(1:29 PM) ZayJROD: yes sir?
(1:30 PM) Mr. Squishy: am i allowed to talk to just as you as well?
(1:30 PM) ZayJROD: huh?
(1:31 PM) Mr. Squishy: i feel like  he is interviewing me, to see if we should be friends
(1:31 PM) ZayJROD: no he's not love
(1:32 PM) Mr. Squishy: i am not saying he is, its just how i feel
(1:32 PM) ZayJROD: what wud make u not feel like that?
(1:33 PM) Mr. Squishy: i dont understand that question my love
(1:33 PM) ZayJROD: what would make it so u don't feel like ur being grilled?
(1:35 PM) Mr. Squishy: idk, to me it just doesnt seem natural that he would want to get to know me so badly
(1:35 PM) ZayJROD: your my best friend *shrugs*
(1:38 PM) Mr. Squishy: he seems to get pissed at me for accidentally referring to you as a girl, just like lindsay. it was an accident, im trying to get use to referring to you as a guy. but its like iv told BF, ive known you as a girl for such a long time. but i am trying zay, ive gotten better at it havint i?
(1:38 PM) ZayJROD: yea u have
and just because they correct u doesn't mean they're pissed
(1:39 PM) ZayJROD: just that they're correcting you
(1:40 PM) Mr. Squishy: well it seems like everyone gets angry at me for doing that on accident. kinda like by correcting me they are giving me a death stare that means "dont you ever say that again"
(1:41 PM) ZayJROD: well if u told me that the world was flat and i corrected you, wouldn't it be the same?
(1:46 PM) Mr. Squishy: no because everyone already knows that, its not controversial. im trying, its just hard cuz ive known you as ayanna, a girl, for almost a year. and we have talked every single day in that year
(1:47 PM) ZayJROD: i didn't say u can't make mistakes
(1:48 PM) Mr. Squishy: it just seems like everyone yells at me for making this particular one
(1:48 PM) ZayJROD: its just when ppl make mistakes, others correct them so they can work on not making the same mistakes
nobodys yelling. lol
(1:49 PM) Mr. Squishy: you know what i mean tho
(1:52 PM) ZayJROD: nobody's mad john. mistakes are part of living. but so is being corrected. its not a bad thing.
(1:53 PM) Mr. Squishy: i guess im just being over sensitive....again
(1:54 PM) ZayJROD: perhaps but maybe you will learn when it happens so u can catch urself and save ur feelings from being hurt unnecessarily
(1:55 PM) Mr. Squishy: it just slips out is all. i use "her" once and im corrected right away
(1:55 PM) ZayJROD: yea because otherwise there is no need to correct you silly
(1:57 PM) Mr. Squishy: well i mean right after i type it and click "enter" i immediately notice it. it doesnt need to be pointed out since i already notice my mistake
(1:58 PM) ZayJROD: well if u dont say so how will others know that you recognized it?
(1:59 PM) Mr. Squishy: what am i to do then? retype the whole thing just so the word "her" will be changed to "him"?
(1:59 PM) ZayJROD: no
(2:00 PM) ZayJROD: you can just say oops or i meant him or *him
anything really
(2:01 PM) Mr. Squishy: is it THAT big of a deal though? i mean everyone knows who im talking about. i realize you consider yourself a man and i have no intention of denying your wishes but its a mistake and thats it.
(2:02 PM) ZayJROD: what if i referred to you as a she every so often
(2:02 PM) Mr. Squishy: it wouldnt upset me or annoy me one bit. i would know that it was by accident. and i know that you love me
(2:03 PM) Mr. Squishy: you could call me shitface
id still know that you didnt mean it
(2:03 PM) ZayJROD: well thanks but it is a big deal to me
and i wouldn't call u that
even in jest
(2:05 PM) Mr. Squishy: and since its a big deal to you im trying my absolute best to respect your wishes zay, i really am. i guess i just dont completely get it, ive been called names my entire life so ive come to learn that a name is a name and nothing more. it doesnt change who you are
(2:06 PM) ZayJROD: im sorry you've been called names and i'm glad it doesn't bother you and i know your trying but just the same it does bother me. im not saying i dont expect this is hard for you but just try not to get so defensive when it happens because i dont think it will stop happening
(2:07 PM) Mr. Squishy: itll stop happening, ill stop making this mistake. but i need you to be patient with me ok? im trying my best zay
(2:08 PM) ZayJROD: well for the record im not the one who corrected u. lol
(2:09 PM) Mr. Squishy: i know my love, i know. but i am trying my hardest. you believe me dont you? completely believe me?
(2:10 PM) ZayJROD: i know
(2:10 PM) ZayJROD: just because someone says what u said was wrong doesnt mean anyone denies that you are trying mr squishy
(2:11 PM) Mr. Squishy: but you believe that im trying right?
(2:11 PM) ZayJROD: yea

-------------------------------------Yesterday----------------------

(10:19 PM)Mr. Squishy:	you seem busy, am i interupting something important?
(10:20 PM)ZayJROD:	uh...no...
(10:20 PM)Mr. Squishy:	those dots mean something else, may i ask what?
(10:21 PM)ZayJROD:	im not busy why does it seem that way
(10:23 PM)Mr. Squishy:	those three dots (...) defenitely mean something, im thinking.....your not telling me something you feel you should?
(10:24 PM)ZayJROD:	no just wondering why you always think im busy
(10:27 PM)Mr. Squishy:	you used to not take awhile to respond, you used to respond right away, almost instantly. just wondering why that is
(10:28 PM)ZayJROD:	just tired i guess
(10:29 PM)Mr. Squishy:	that can explain tonight but not the past few months. like since mid march
(10:30 PM)ZayJROD:	*shrugs* im sry it bothers u
(10:30 PM)Mr. Squishy:	it doesnt bother me, it just seems like you'd rather not talk with me
(10:31 PM)ZayJROD:	well thats not true
(10:31 PM)Mr. Squishy:	i didnt say it was.......its just the thought thats been going through my head
(10:32 PM)ZayJROD:	ah i see
(10:33 PM)ZayJROD:	well if it isn't a bother could u msg my phone?
(10:33 PM)Mr. Squishy:	i suppose, i was just hoping you could explain to me how ive been different
(10:34 PM)ZayJROD:	well if im not mistaken one of the meds u stoped taking was a mood stabilzer right?
(10:34 PM)Mr. Squishy:	lamictrogene(lamictal) yes.
(10:35 PM)ZayJROD:	well that's the main thing i've noticed has made a difference
(10:35 PM)ZayJROD:	it seems like every small thing sways you to the extreme of that emotion
(10:35 PM)Mr. Squishy:	really?
(10:35 PM)ZayJROD:	yea
(10:36 PM)Mr. Squishy:	like could i have an example?
(10:36 PM)ZayJROD:	well for example the other day when BF corrected your pronoun use we ended up talking about it for the next 45 minutes
(10:37 PM)ZayJROD:	you felt as tho everyone was ganging up on you or yelling at you or believing that you weren't trying it was a simple 4 word sentence that triggered it
(10:37 PM)Mr. Squishy:	but everyone was ganging up on me about a simple word
(10:38 PM)ZayJROD:	no everyone was not i didn't say anything
(10:38 PM)ZayJROD:	he had no emotion in the sentence only fact
(10:38 PM)Mr. Squishy:	linds did, BF did
(10:38 PM)ZayJROD:	BF didnt! that's the thing ok linds i can see but since when is 2 ppl everyone?
(10:39 PM)ZayJROD:	all BF said was "he's not a her"
(10:39 PM)Mr. Squishy:	and that is correcting me. it was an accident! no one gets that. they all think im doing it on purpose. even you admitted that you dont think im trying
(10:40 PM)ZayJROD:	ok i can see we are going in circles. its just what i've noticed
(10:40 PM)ZayJROD:	i g2g. if u still want to talk msg/text my phone love u john

-----------------------------By text-----------------------

John: fine, bye

John: tell me: do i just run off on you when you want to talk about something?

Me: no. you dont. and i didn't JUST run off. before we started the conversation i told u i had to go and offered to keep talking via my phone

John: your acting as though my feelings arent valid tho. "we keep going in circles" how is that supposed to make me feel?

Me: i didn't say it wasn't valif. when i said we were going in circles i meant that we arent seeing each others point of view and id rather talk about something happy

John: but if we arent seeing each others view then we should keep talking about it until we see the others point of view, not just avoid it 4ever

Me: well we r both using the same points over and over

John: then we keep trying, no one said it will be easy. nothing worthwhile ever is my love.

Me: is it worthwhile tho?

John: to see the others point of view and resolve hurt feelings? yes, its very worthwhile

Me: why are your feelings hurt?

John: cuz everyone is ganging up on me for a simple word! they still know who im talking about dont they?

Me: ok well im sorry they're doing that to you. you dont deserve to feel ganged up on

John: i realize that referring 2 u as a man is important, honest i do. but its just a word uv attached meaning to. it duznt change how much i love u

Me: nobody was questioning ur love. just the word you used

John: but its just a word, do u c wat i mean? it only means something if u make it mean something. its no reason 4 every1 to gang up on me

Me: ok fine. im not as philisophical as u. im sorry. pronouns and ames mean alot to me. im sorry ur feelings are hurt because of it

John: im not trying to hurt ur feelings zay, im really not. but i am aren't i?

Me: it doesn't matter. i hate feelings. eventually they wont exist

John: so i did then......im really sorry zay, i didn't mean to. im really really truly sorry

Me: dont be. tbh i like when they hurt

John: zay please don't talk like that. i truly am sorry, i really am. i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, i just feel ganged up on

Me: you rly dont have to be sry, what can i say, im a masochist. im rly ok. im sry you felt ganged up on. but i don't think ppl will stop currecting u tbh

John: well im almost 2 the point of going off on them. im referring to u as "him" & "he" WAY more often. im getting better at it rite? honesty plz

Me: yea u r but going off won't help anything

------------------------------------------Back Online --------------------------

(11:24 PM) Mr. Squishy:	whyd you sign back on?
(11:24 PM) ZayJROD:	because i'm able to be on again. lol
(11:25 PM) Mr. Squishy:	that it?
(11:25 PM) ZayJROD:	huh?
(11:25 PM) Mr. Squishy:	just a coincidence that the second BF signs on, you sign on as well
(11:26 PM) ZayJROD:	quite a coincidence indeed
(11:26 PM) Mr. Squishy:	sure its nothing more than a coinidence? before you could barely stay on msn
(11:27 PM) ZayJROD:	could you stop please?
(11:27 PM) Mr. Squishy:	im just wondering, the least you could do is answer me
(11:27 PM) ZayJROD:	yes its just a coincidence
(11:28 PM) Mr. Squishy:	can i be honest with you?
(11:28 PM) ZayJROD:	sure
(11:29 PM) Mr. Squishy:	I feel as though you care about and want to talk more with BF than you do me. ever since you met him we have begun talking/texting EVEN LESS and then there is this coincidence
(11:29 PM) ZayJROD:	im sorry you feel that way
(11:29 PM) Mr. Squishy:	theres no truth to it?
(11:30 PM) ZayJROD:	no
(11:30 PM) Mr. Squishy:	im sorry im being mean/harsh. idk whats wrong with me  i really am sorry for hurting your feelings zay
(11:31 PM) ZayJROD:	it's fine
(11:31 PM) Mr. Squishy:	no its not!! im not supposed to hurt your feelings! i love you, im supposed to take care of you
(11:33 PM) ZayJROD:	it's ok really
(11:34 PM) Mr. Squishy:	zay, it isnt. im so fucking sorry. why arent you angry with me?
(11:35 PM) ZayJROD:	honestly im too numb to  do so and if i bring myself out of it, we won't be friends anymore. you've never seen me mad for a reason. i'm quite mean
(11:36 PM) Mr. Squishy:	thats crap. i promised id never leave you, so im not. EVER. go ahead and let it out
(11:37 PM) ZayJROD:	tbh i don't want to
(11:38 PM) Mr. Squishy:	you need to let it out. please just do it my love. i know you'll only be speaking in anger. i keep my promises. its ok, let it out
(11:39 PM) ZayJROD:	i rly don't want to. im ok.
(11:40 PM) Mr. Squishy:	what do i have to do to get you to let it out?
(11:40 PM) ZayJROD:	tberes no way. i don't want to
(11:42 PM) Mr. Squishy:	dont you trust me?
(11:42 PM) ZayJROD:	yea i do
(11:44 PM) Mr. Squishy:	im serious zay, im never leaving you. no matter what. your way too big a part of me
(11:44 PM) ZayJROD:	thanks im not worried about that
(11:45 PM) Mr. Squishy:	what are you worried about then?
(11:46 PM) ZayJROD:	i don't release anger well
(11:47 PM) Mr. Squishy:	its ok, you can let it out. if you do, then ill do something with you that you have always wanted me to
(11:48 PM) ZayJROD:	no i rly dont want to. if i suppress it im safe. if i let it out, i may do something stupid
(11:49 PM) Mr. Squishy:	*heavy, sad sigh* ok....im sorry
(11:49 PM) Mr. Squishy:	could you answer something for me though?
(11:49 PM) ZayJROD:	i guess
(11:50 PM) Mr. Squishy:	you said, if you let it out we wont be friends anymore. does that mean you are in fact angry with me about something?
(11:51 PM) ZayJROD:	what i mean is that i won't be around any longer for us to be friends
(11:51 PM) Mr. Squishy:	so your not angry with me? even if the anger is deep deep down inside you?
(11:52 PM) ZayJROD:	i dont want to think about it
(11:55 PM) Mr. Squishy:	do you think ive gotten better at referring to you as you wish?
(11:55 PM) ZayJROD:	can we not talk about that anymore?
(11:57 PM) Mr. Squishy:	this is the last time ill ask, i promise. its just important to me that you believe and know im trying to respect your wishes
(11:58 PM) ZayJROD:	yes
(11:58 PM) Mr. Squishy:	thanks zay, it means a lot that you believe me
(12:00 AM) Mr. Squishy:	do you really think im starting to over react with my emotions lately?
(12:01 AM) ZayJROD:	yes
(12:02 AM) Mr. Squishy:	hm....its certainly possible. i do swing from intense anger to crying hysterically often now....
(12:05 AM) Mr. Squishy:	what do you think?
(12:05 AM) ZayJROD:	i think u should take ur meds
(12:06 AM) Mr. Squishy:	i keep forgetting though,im not doing it on purpose
(12:06 AM) ZayJROD:	i know
(12:09 AM) Mr. Squishy:	i think i should go
(12:09 AM) ZayJROD:	why
(12:10 AM) Mr. Squishy:	i feel awkward and you seem to be very....untalkative. at least to me anyways
(12:10 AM) ZayJROD:	im not talking to BF
(12:11 AM) ZayJROD:	im just tired
(12:18 AM) Mr. Squishy:	zay? Seriously. I'm so done with this issue, it's ridiculous. I can't even issue explanations, annecdotes, closing statements or questions, retorical or otherwise. I'm too aggravated.