Why Am I Here?

I've been pondering that question a lot lately. Why am I here when I feel there is nothing for me here? To have fun? I'm not really having any to be honest. It's probably partially my fault but regardless, I'm still pretty funless. I think it's because my idea of fun is different and so when all my friends are out having their kind of fun, I'm stuck alone.

To love? I know I'm only 18 but really what I want most is to be the sweet, caring husband and the cool dad. But finding someone I'm attracted to, who's attracted to me, wants to adopt, doesn't mind that I lack a penis and doesn't want to have sex is pretty hard to find. I also need someone who realizes that the world doesn't revolve around them and doesn't fish for compliments or thrive on arguments. Let me tell you, nobody is looking my way and I have a feeling the woman I'm looking for is 40.

Why should I go to school? To accumulate my first 3 years salary in debt? To learn things of little to no relevance to my life as it is now or how it will be? To say I went? To get a job where I where a suit instead of a uniform? Speaking of work...

Why should I agree to spend my life working? What benefit is it to me to bend over backwards for someone else, someone who doesn't appreciate who I am or what I do? Why should I agree to spend my life being a small cog in a machine? For comfort? My parents work hard and we still can't afford a vacation. For food? I don't believe people should have to work for basics. Anyway, if I don't eat, I won't have to ponder these questions anymore.

And why do I have to be a combination of the things everybody hates: black, american, lgbt affiliated, christian, liberal...

I think the worst part of this is that I didn't ask to be here. If I had, it'd be a different story. But I'm here as I am and caught in the middle of seemingly every crossfire. What can one do when even sleep becomes unappealing?

--Zay

PS sorry for the downer.