Timing Is Everything (especially God's timing)

So just after I posted my last blog about peace, the peace feeling left. Actually it was while I was writing it but I decided to post it anyway because what I experienced was still true. Last night was a rough night. It wasn't because of anyone else, my brain just wouldn't stop thinking and analyzing and replaying and none of it was positive. I woke up feeling pretty crappy. I skipped the class I never skip and set my alarm for an hour so I could go to my next class. During that hour I had a headache, kept tossing back and forth and my shoulders kept popping out of place (strange, yes. frustrating, extremely). I couldn't get to sleep, I couldn't even nod off. I was in so much pain and discomfort physically and emotionally not only in that hour but in general that I was basically planning how to say goodbye to everyone. I finally found a position that didn't make my shoulders crack or my headache worse and 5 minutes later the alarm went off. I wanted to go back to sleep but I made myself go to class so I wouldn't fail my final next week. After class I typically go to my room but I decided to go to lunch early. My mood lifted when I passed by the dessert display and noticed my two favorites: Blue jello (which they haven't had all YEAR) and blondies (which they only have every few weeks). I gave God a thumbs up but was still sad that I was eating alone. After I was done eating I was ready to go mope some more and try to go back to sleep (which I fully plan to do after I finish this blog). I decided to check my email just before and I saw something suspicious in my mailbox. I was going to delete it but I decided to take a chance. This is what it was:

too scared to say has sent you a message using your contact form at: http://www.wix.com/nhcomfort/ZayBeMe/page 8

Senders email: trillion_thoughts@hotmail.com

Gender...Jesus was 100% human and 100% divine. God is not bounded by gender... I wonder, if God was on earth, is there the possibility that God could be genderless. God is almighty. That would be no big task. Jesus could have been born a trans. Gender is a social construction. Some cultures have 3 genders or more....sorry i'm rambling.

As for your mother, things must be very hard for her too. She always had it in her head that she had a daughter and probably imagined, while you were still in her womb, how you would grow up to be. At this point she is in major denial. Hopefully one day she can understand. It is unrealistic to think your parents will be ok right off the bat with you being different than their image of you. Eventually God will help them understand. Patience is a virtue. I'm sorry that they are not being supportive at this stage of your life. The whole thing is new, to them at least. I imagine your mother throws the bible at you out of desperation and not knowing what else to do, more than anything else. Each person will try to use the bible to their advantage and out of context. The bible is filled with amazing stories full of truth. At times we focus on the wrong meaning of truth. We focus on the literal meanings instead of the messages that God tries to get across. We get caught up in our own interpretations of things and we skip over the important lessons. It is not fair to use the bible to make others feel badly about themselves (including all other negative feelings). There is something inherently wrong about using the bible as a weapon in such a way. Sometimes when people do not know much about something they freak out... God makes no mistakes. You are going to help so many other people who have been marginalized by society and Christians. You remind Christians that everybody can be led to Christ; God invites them to, and no human can revoke an invitation from God. Like Frodo from Lord of the Rings (sorry if you haven't seen that movie), it wont be an easy task, but you were chosen for a reason. Frodo is my favorite chracter because although he is the smallest one out of the whole group and he is also the most scared, he musters up the courage to do what he was chosen to do. As you have mentioned, people have said that God gave you the parents you have for a reason. True. What if you were chosen as their son to help them understand what unconditional love is? Christianity is central to them and they are surrounded by several Christians who think the same way they do. By helping them understand unconditional love, you are inviting other Christians to understand. You are challenging what they believe to be dogmas and that ain't easy.

You were not born fully male or fully female. We come in all different shapes and sizes, it is really a great thing. How wonderful that our God Almighty can create such wonderful beings, all so different. You are wonderful. It is too bad that our brothers and sisters treat each other, including you, in such nasty ways....

You are a light and will teach people many things. You already do. Like a lighthouse, you will guide many people from rocky waters onto stable land. Although you yourself might feel unstable at times, just remember God is your anchor. Along your journey God will bless you with more anchors, friends you can count on to help you. You are not alone. I pray that one day your family will become one of your strongest anchors.

All the best,
An unexpected someone/ "acquaintance" who cares for you more than you know...

PS Have a blessed day.

So yea...unexpected someone. You rock. Thanks for caring. I hope you end up reading this so you know how much it meant to me.

Over n Out
--Zay

Peace

After a couple weeks of being constantly angry and crying every time my head hit a pillow, I decided to pray the same prayer I did a little over a year ago. The result? The same wave of peace. I don't feel the guilt I felt just a couple of days ago of ruining my family, of sending people off in the wrong direction. God reveals new things and refreshes the old things. Though my parents are currently extremely unsupportive and have skipped the "what did I do" to go straight to "you're ruining the family", I'm more optimistic than I was before. That doesn't mean I've forgotten what they said or that what they said was ok. I just have faith that one day, the words will be different.

A lot of people have told me that before I start hormones I should be going through a significant amount of therapy, as in a year or more. But who is a better counselor than God? When you start therapy you have a significant part of the process which is dedicated to getting to know you and your background as a patient but God is the one who created us and is omniscient. Who better knows how the human brain works than the one who gave it its function? That's what I think about that.

I had something else today but the A.D.D. I may or may not have is in full force and my brain is in a million places at once and so are my fingers. I'll update if I remember. Oh! I remembered.

Testosterone is very important to me. VERY important. But I think that I would feel better about not having it if even just my family and those close to me could see me as male. I think if they realize that I am a person outside of being a name that they gave me or outside of being their daughter, it'll be easier. We are not our bodies or the labels we've been assigned, even the ones we've chosen. We are souls. The bodies allow us to interact with one another.

That was jumbled but I hope you got the gist.

Over n Out
--Zay

Caught in the Middle

I feel like I have no place to rest my head and I'm wondering if this is a common feeling or if it's reserved for a select few. I feel as though I don't belong anywhere and I think that is part of the reason I get so lonely all the time. It doesn't matter if I'm with my best friend or a group of people. I always feel alone. Yet I prefer being physically alone. I'm not sure if it's out of habit or because I don't have to pretend to be present when I'm always inside my head. I don't feel at home here at school or in the house I grew up in, with my family or with anyone else's, being christian or someone who thinks gay people are more than their label or someone who is pro-choice or thinks that common sense should be used more often than the old testament to create rules. Just when I make friends, I realize that I will still be alone. I don't like partying, drinking or smoking or being around it so middle school, high school, and now have all been pretty lonely in that regard. I just feel like whenever I find a place I think I can rest my head, someone rips the pillow from beneath me. It's lonely being in the middle. Everyone's for you and everyone's against you. Sometimes I feel like even God is...or even myself.

Why Am I Here?

I've been pondering that question a lot lately. Why am I here when I feel there is nothing for me here? To have fun? I'm not really having any to be honest. It's probably partially my fault but regardless, I'm still pretty funless. I think it's because my idea of fun is different and so when all my friends are out having their kind of fun, I'm stuck alone.

To love? I know I'm only 18 but really what I want most is to be the sweet, caring husband and the cool dad. But finding someone I'm attracted to, who's attracted to me, wants to adopt, doesn't mind that I lack a penis and doesn't want to have sex is pretty hard to find. I also need someone who realizes that the world doesn't revolve around them and doesn't fish for compliments or thrive on arguments. Let me tell you, nobody is looking my way and I have a feeling the woman I'm looking for is 40.

Why should I go to school? To accumulate my first 3 years salary in debt? To learn things of little to no relevance to my life as it is now or how it will be? To say I went? To get a job where I where a suit instead of a uniform? Speaking of work...

Why should I agree to spend my life working? What benefit is it to me to bend over backwards for someone else, someone who doesn't appreciate who I am or what I do? Why should I agree to spend my life being a small cog in a machine? For comfort? My parents work hard and we still can't afford a vacation. For food? I don't believe people should have to work for basics. Anyway, if I don't eat, I won't have to ponder these questions anymore.

And why do I have to be a combination of the things everybody hates: black, american, lgbt affiliated, christian, liberal...

I think the worst part of this is that I didn't ask to be here. If I had, it'd be a different story. But I'm here as I am and caught in the middle of seemingly every crossfire. What can one do when even sleep becomes unappealing?

--Zay

PS sorry for the downer.