Saturday, January 23, 2010
Good Day Out
Today I went shopping with my boy and we both got sired a bunch. We went to try clothes on and the lady made him show her ID to get in. I got a bunch of "man"s and ladies appreciated when I held the door open or smiled. It was rly cool
Cole's Song
This song is from the movie Mr. Holland's Opus which I recommend if you haven't seen it. The main character writes this song to his son and when I relistened to it, I realized that it applied a lot to my situation and probably a lot of people in the LGBT community.
Here's a link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls94R4AoK5E Sorry about the clip. It's the only version I could find.
And the lyrics:
I feel that the love around me
has come from another world
I have lost love
I have found love
From the moment you were born
I could see a new beginning
Come to me, let me tell you how
how I've lost love
and now I've found love
in a world of broken dreams
I was wrong
to deny your feelings
and I'm sorry
if I've caused you pain
I was lost then
so confused then
and I believe that
you would change that
There are broken hearts we can mend
Through the music we've learned to love again
Through the sad notes
through the years
there were times when I just couldn't tell you
And now we've come
to an understanding
and I'm sorry
that it took so long
I have lost love
I have found love
from the moment you were born
I have lost you
and now I've found you
Let me feel your heart
let me hear your song
Here's a link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ls94R4AoK5E Sorry about the clip. It's the only version I could find.
And the lyrics:
I feel that the love around me
has come from another world
I have lost love
I have found love
From the moment you were born
I could see a new beginning
Come to me, let me tell you how
how I've lost love
and now I've found love
in a world of broken dreams
I was wrong
to deny your feelings
and I'm sorry
if I've caused you pain
I was lost then
so confused then
and I believe that
you would change that
There are broken hearts we can mend
Through the music we've learned to love again
Through the sad notes
through the years
there were times when I just couldn't tell you
And now we've come
to an understanding
and I'm sorry
that it took so long
I have lost love
I have found love
from the moment you were born
I have lost you
and now I've found you
Let me feel your heart
let me hear your song
Friday, January 22, 2010
So..... (a happy one) :-)
I JUST SUBMITTED MY PAPERWORK FOR T! I don't feel as excited as it appears on the screen. Still weighed down by the opinions and whatever else of my parents. But I know this is what's best for me. The next steps are a financial screening, blood work, then the appointment :) And I've decided to start introducing myself as Zay
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Rainy day doubts
So...idk if this happens to anyone else. I can only speak from my own experiences but there are some days when I feel like I need an epi-pen filled with T in order to breathe and get through my day, like I could just drop dead from angst, frustration and holding everything in with a put-together appearance. Other days, like today, I feel like one day I'll be able to look at my body and not feel like jumping off a building or that maybe I can just live with the constant depression but I know deep down that I can't. I just envision myself losing everybody. If that happens, my depression won't get much better, ya know? I ordered my binder and they shipped it yesterday so maybe that will help. I wish my parents were more interested in my happiness. That would make it easier. Right now it seems impossible because instead of throwing me out or pushing me away they're grabbing hold for dear life and I don't know how to continue my life.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
The results
The test concluded that my liver needed detoxing and that I may be experiencing joint pain...which I'm not. And the reason my liver is jacked up is because of all the pain killers I had to take for this monthly curse so if anything it helped my case. One test down I guess
Okaaaaay...
So I had a fun weekend planned with my friends and then my mom told me I had to come home this weekend because "we can't pretend that we aren't trying to work through things". I told her I wanted to stay to see what was going on in LA since she told me to get out more but she said I had to come home to run some tests. So this morning I'm up after a mere five hours of sleep to do some test so that my mom can know which herbs to give me to cure me. Honestly I welcome the tests if it helps them see that it's not gonna be that easy. Whenever we start family counseling I think I'll tell them everything I've hidden from them the last 10 years. How I felt then up until I realized I was trans. Major difference. I'll post the outcome of the test later on
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Since then...
So just to be clear on what happened, my parents took my clothes, told me not to talk to certain people (and told certain people not to talk to me), etc. I posted pictures of my new haircut and apparently my mom got a lot of phone calls from a lot of nosy people so now I've been asked/guilted into not being able to use my facebook freely. I've been hanging out with my friends and I bought new pants and enrolled in an lgbt class. Next time the class meets it's "trans week" so I'm excited and I feel kinda guilty at the same time. I always feel guilty though. I feel like any time I want to do something or express myself, I make my mother upset and bring my family shame. It's tiring. And it's also concerning. Why does wanting to be my own person make me a bad person? I'm still boiling over some of the things that were said and am certainly tired of being the only person not allowed to do something. I don't want my mom to be upset but she gets upset no matter what. I look for advice on what to do but I feel like if someone agrees with me then their opinion is biased or they don't have enough information. If they disagree, I feel like I don't have to right to my thoughts and feelings. That's not just about trans stuff either but it's certainly included.
Specifically on the trans thing, on one hand I'm like "How could you do that to them? You'll ruin everything. People will talk about them. They will get so much shit from the family. The extended family will never want to talk to you. They'll keep your cousins away from you. Everyone who's watched you grow up will be disappointed and blame your parents for you being a freak".
On the other hand I think "You can't walk around being sad, missing out on life. Sure you could lose your family but you could wake up in the morning and not feel like crying when you looked in the mirror and not cringe every time someone referred to you as a female, people wouldn't look at you funny when you wore the clothes you want, and you have so much love for your future wife and kids. You know you wouldn't be happy as a mom. Either you'll kill yourself, die miserable, or decide you can't do it anymore and transition later after wasting time and involving more people".
Then on my 3rd hand I think "Eventually, if you work at it and cut yourself off from everything, you'll get used to it. It'll be like an arranged marriage; you'll fall in love eventually. Pray that God will change your heart".
And then my 4th hand is like "God made sure you ended up here at a place with pretty much the best trans resources and support you could ask for".
Then I consider not just the feelings but the actual Gender Identity Disorder. Wouldn't my parents let me take a medicine for any other condition? Should GID even count as a disorder? Am I taking advantage of the fact that it is? It's practically the same as cancer or AIDS. You have these symptoms that are maybe suspicious and make you a little sad. Then you find out it's a real problem and that other people are dealing with it. People have said that Mens Room is the blind leading the blind but don't other communities form groups for support? The breast cancer community, the AIDS community. They all need help with medical things, want to know the best prices and doctors and medicines, want to talk about coming out to family members and friends, the best way to conceal and blend into society, how to deal with the feelings that are a result of the whole experience, etc.
I don't think that God intended me to be separate from my family but I can't struggle with this forever with all these resources and friends and support. My parents want to do family counseling. My only hope is that we get a counselor who's willing to listen and help me explain why this is so important to me.
On the plus side, speaking of resources, today I spoke with someone from the office of residential life here and he was really nice. He gave me a lot of options and even told me he could get me into a new room this year if I needed to. He said I could call any time and that he was never inconvenienced.
I just need a lot of sleep. I wish God could just boom the answer at me so at least I could move in a certain direction.
Over n Out
-Zay a.k.a Stucky McStuck-Stuck
Specifically on the trans thing, on one hand I'm like "How could you do that to them? You'll ruin everything. People will talk about them. They will get so much shit from the family. The extended family will never want to talk to you. They'll keep your cousins away from you. Everyone who's watched you grow up will be disappointed and blame your parents for you being a freak".
On the other hand I think "You can't walk around being sad, missing out on life. Sure you could lose your family but you could wake up in the morning and not feel like crying when you looked in the mirror and not cringe every time someone referred to you as a female, people wouldn't look at you funny when you wore the clothes you want, and you have so much love for your future wife and kids. You know you wouldn't be happy as a mom. Either you'll kill yourself, die miserable, or decide you can't do it anymore and transition later after wasting time and involving more people".
Then on my 3rd hand I think "Eventually, if you work at it and cut yourself off from everything, you'll get used to it. It'll be like an arranged marriage; you'll fall in love eventually. Pray that God will change your heart".
And then my 4th hand is like "God made sure you ended up here at a place with pretty much the best trans resources and support you could ask for".
Then I consider not just the feelings but the actual Gender Identity Disorder. Wouldn't my parents let me take a medicine for any other condition? Should GID even count as a disorder? Am I taking advantage of the fact that it is? It's practically the same as cancer or AIDS. You have these symptoms that are maybe suspicious and make you a little sad. Then you find out it's a real problem and that other people are dealing with it. People have said that Mens Room is the blind leading the blind but don't other communities form groups for support? The breast cancer community, the AIDS community. They all need help with medical things, want to know the best prices and doctors and medicines, want to talk about coming out to family members and friends, the best way to conceal and blend into society, how to deal with the feelings that are a result of the whole experience, etc.
I don't think that God intended me to be separate from my family but I can't struggle with this forever with all these resources and friends and support. My parents want to do family counseling. My only hope is that we get a counselor who's willing to listen and help me explain why this is so important to me.
On the plus side, speaking of resources, today I spoke with someone from the office of residential life here and he was really nice. He gave me a lot of options and even told me he could get me into a new room this year if I needed to. He said I could call any time and that he was never inconvenienced.
I just need a lot of sleep. I wish God could just boom the answer at me so at least I could move in a certain direction.
Over n Out
-Zay a.k.a Stucky McStuck-Stuck
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Letter to my parents
This is the letter I read to my parents
As you have probably noticed, I have never been very feminine though I was your female child and though I had many tomboy friends during childhood, eventually they all grew into their femininity as time progressed as I remained in this "phase". I have noticed the concern or disappointment in your tone and in your eyes when I opt for boys clothes, refuse to carry a purse, put my wallet in my back pocket or decline your suggestions to wear earrings to balance out my masculinity. Never quite feeling comfortable in my body has caused a lot of depression and confusion, I just didn't know how seriously it was affecting me. Rewind to the 2-year-old running around, to the 4-year-old talking to strangers like they were old friends, to the 5-year-old they're trying to shut up. Fast forward to a steadily declining morale of a once lively kid, beginning to regret their existence. Skip to a 13-year-old who already thought their life was over, who thought they were a failure for failing to get their heart to fail. Wearing long sleeves and long pants and baggy clothes to hide scars and the fat, or lack there of. They think God is punishing them, trying to deal with them, trying to break them. A hardheaded new teen trying to take on God or go down trying. Then a 17-year-old, four years past their expiration date falls prostrate, tired of seeing the world with a black tint prays for forgiveness and for a clear view; his view. I'm on YouTube like I usually do and stumble upon a video that sums up the feelings I could never express and gives them a name. I was going back and forth afraid that I would lose everyone and that God would turn his back on me questioning whether it was God or Satan. I tried to stuff away the happiness and keep living my life the way I had been, trying to tell myself to get used to it and to get over it. Til just last month I fell prostrate again, praying for him to remove these thoughts for good not knowing that they'd come directly for him. But with that tearful prayer he revealed that and all that I'm about to tell you.
A transgender person is someone whose gender identity does not correspond with their sex assigned at birth. My earliest recollection of these feelings was in one of my several preschools. We had a slip and slide day and even though I liked playing in water, I didn't want to participate in a bathing suit and forwent the opportunity. I've never wanted girl talk or girl time and I always felt out of place at women's luncheon's, girls' days out, slumber parties and other affinity type activities. I've always wanted short hair, a deep voice, big feet and strong hands. I've hated my chest since they first came on the scene in 5th grade and hated any curves that developed just as much. June 26, 2003 was one of the worst days of my life not only because it began a series of about 66 painful weeks but it also solidified that I was not like the boys I wished so hard I could transform into. I've tested the theory that says that your attitude changes with the clothes you wear but to no avail. I tried to like certain things or wear certain things so I could make you happier but I just felt even more awkward and depressed which is something I couldn't afford. It excited me when I was referred to or mistaken for male and aspired to develop muscles instead of curves and to have face decorated with hair instead of make-up. Even though you spent a lot of time choosing a name for me, I've never felt like it described me. And while societal roles are synthetic, I feel much more called to the typical male role as the chival provider. I couldn't see myself as a mother but as a father and not just a mediocre one. I plan to be the best one I can be. I feel as though I've always been your son but was forced to be a daughter. I constantly felt like I was encased in an iron maiden but didn't know why. I felt like everyone was talking to what was encasing me but they couldn't see the me that keeps myself company on the dark inside of a trap. Being a man in a woman's body means you're invisible and that's a painfully lonely existence. It's hard to live in the wrong body. Its hard to look in the mirror everyday and not see your true self. Imagine being Varetta but waking up every morning and seeing Simon in the mirror. You want to wear your make up but the stubble gets in the way and you have much more hair than you care for and everyone you talk to calls you Simon and you almost want to stop meeting people so you don't have to introduce yourself as Simon. Imagine being Levi but being Lisa on the outside wanting male camaraderie but being turned away by your peers and given grief for just trying to be yourself, always being told almost like rhetoric that you are a lady, and the things you want to do, own, or wear are for men. But on April 4, 2009, I experienced God's peace for the first time; this is the day I realized that I was trans.
You are probably skeptical, as was I, that this is something that God could be a part of but after a deperate prayer, God opened my eyes to see that he was ordering my steps. As much as I hated westridge while I was there, it has definitely proven part of God's plan. Ms. Love came during my senior year and she was the first person I told in the spring. She didn't judge me but supported me even though we did not have much time to discuss it. That year we also needed a guitar player for the MLK assembly and Ms. Love brought her friend Sara who I clicked with automatically. We continued our friendship from that day and though it was unbeknown at the time, I later found out that Sara was transgender as well and she has supported me through my uncertainties, never pushing me in either direction but by just being there. Coach K also knows and is supportive and I'm grateful for the relationship I was able to build with her over my time there. Westridge has also allowed me to get into UCLA.
Meagan was the first friend I made at UCLA and we've remained friends. In the middle of FSP, which was also a blessing that I got into, we discovered that we both identified the same way. I cannot imagine having a better support than a good friend dealing with the same issues. Juan and Carina are also supportive. Meagan has chosen to go by Micah. UCLA is also located in Los Angeles near West Hollywood and Santa Monica which both have lots of resources and support for trans people. It's also allowed me to be close enough to meet Pica, another trans person my age, who introduced me to Tawny who is going to Westmont to study to be able to help people like me Micah and Pica. She's helped me to understand that God is not separate from this and helped me to gain the courage to bring you guys into the light. Both of them are Christian. UCLA also offers an affinity group for trans people and specifically transmen and next year they will be started a whole trans program that is connected with the health services. In addition, the university insurance will pay for a lot of the steps needed already and even more next year.
You may have wondered what makes ____________ and I so close. During the spring I came to her with this as an older sister and she's tried to get me to see other avenues, solutions, explanations, etc. which all make sense when she suggests or explains them but when I pray for myself about the issue, God always presents something that points back to his plan. I knew she was a blessing in my life and because she felt such love for me she took it upon herself to lead me back to what she thought was right. Every time we talked about it, we grow apart and I thought I was pushing my blessing away so each time I listened intently and tried to line up my thoughts and visions for myself with what she was telling me. But sometimes it'd take a week, a day, an hour, a minute until those thoughts would re-enter my thought process. She told me it couldn't be God, that it was coming from the devil so like the good Christian I aspire to be I tried to bind satan, rebuke his hold, and force myself in the opposite direction but still I'd fall into his clutches. Or so I thought.
I understand things a lot more if they have a metaphor or a parallel and in that vein, God has brought 3 stories to my attention that apply to my situation. The first story is of Abraham. He waited forever to have a son and then was asked to sacrifice him to accomplish God's agenda. Because he was obedient, he was allowed to keep his son. These are my relationships. I'm not a very social person so I cherish the friendships I have and I'm very aware that the decision to follow through with this may cause me to lose some of those but I'm confident that God has my back. I'm hoping through my obedience, I'll be allowed to keep what's important to me too. God revealed to Joseph that he was someone on the inside that no one could see from the outside. When Joseph shared this, he was harshly judged and even hated. He became the person he was to become by enduring trials and learning patience, much like I'll have to do during this process. When he was out becoming who God wanted him to be, his parents thought he had died but because God was ordering his steps, he became an even more valuable resource to his family and to an entire nation. I realize that during this process, you'll have to mourn the loss of your daughter but as I grow more comfortable and more confident and continue to lean on and listen to God, I'll become a better child, sibling, friend, student, and human being because everything is linked. The final story God gave me was of Esther who was forced to hide who she really was thinking that it was for the best. But when those around her were threatened to be persecuted, she had a choice to make. Because she chose to reveal who she really was, she was able to educate those who had already written her people off and to save those she loved. One of the reasons I have gone so back and forth on this issue and have waited so long to tell you is because I thought that my decision would have a negative effect on your ministry but when I prayed about it, it became clear that two things ordained by God could not be mutually exclusive and that God would protect your ministry and that this new undertaking in my life would be a part of my own ministry (probably starting with Micah).
Since April, I've seen and heard many reasons why I shouldn't do this and when they were presented I didn't have a response but God has helped me with those too. Here are a few that I've chosen to share because they may be things you're thinking as well.
1. God does't make mistakes
I'm not claiming that God has made a mistake. I'm asserting that this was part of his plan. There are some things growing up female have done that will affect and have already affected me in a way that I wouldn't have been affected growing up male. For example, going to an all girl's school especially with girly friends has taught me how and how not to treat whomever God blesses me with and also will steer me away from operating in a mode of male chauvinism (which I can also help Jarren with) and if nothing else, this experience will help me with my own kids.
2. If you were meant to be a boy, you would have been born one
Nobody knows what they'll be when they grow up. They show signs and traits that point or steer them toward a direction they'll grow into with the help and support of loved ones and their own investments. This is the a different situation but the same template.
3. You'd be destroying God's temple
If this were true then any modification to God's temple should be weighed equally including braces, teeth whitening, breast augmentations, botox, tans, laser eye surgery, any sort of cosmetic surgery, reconstructive surgery, make up, hair cuts, pierced ears, or anything else.
4. Plenty of girls start out tomboys and eventually grown into their femininity
Honestly, I'm beginning my adult years. If it were going to happen, it would have happened already.
5. I felt like that too then changed my perspective and now I'm happy
Not everyone with similar beginnings are meant to follow the same path. Think of all the people whose parents started them on piano when they were small. Some have become lawyers, others business people or they may have continued music. If I had the choice between changing my mindset and changing my body, I'd choose the former without a blink.
6. God gave you parents who wouldn't support something like this for a reason
Learning is not omnidirectional, it happens both ways; kids learn from parents and the parents learn from kids. Just because mom's family wasn't christian didn't mean she wasn't supposed to be and because she decided to be despite naysayers, her whole family is now saved. They also didn't support her music but that was the path god had chosen for her.
With that said, I hope I will have your support in this. Statistics show that 1/3 of trans people take their lives because they lack support and love in their lives throughout their transition. But I'm also prepared to continue should you decide you can't because I know that God is behind this. I know you must have a lot of questions and I hope you will feel comfortable enough to ask them and I'll to my best to provide the answers but I don't know everything either. This is a learning experience for all of us. I don't want to overwhelm you with details anymore than I already have but I thought this was important to include in this first letter. Part of this process is choosing a name. The name I've chosen for myself is Zavier Nehemiah Alexander DaVonn Heidelberg. It's long but there's no law against that. Zavier has been the name I liked from the very beginning. I wanted my name to be meaningful to me so I looked it up and it meant "new house" and "bright". I was kind of disappointed but decided to make it up with my middle name(s). But when God revealed everything else to me he also opened my eyes to why the meaning is not so random after all. The new house is my new body, a new outer appearance but the inside is still the same. Our bodies are a temple but they are also just a house we are renting. By me remodeling my house, it will allow me to interact more comfortably and to tend to God's business the way I want to and the way I should. But when you remodel a house, you don't throw out its contents. I'll still be your less social child, I'll still love music, I'll still drive you crazy with the radio stations in the car, I'll still be on a fixed income, I'll still be your child at UCLA, I'll still be your first born, I'll still like stickers and the Cheetah Girls and orange chicken and dollar tacos and more than likely I still won't know how to drive. "Bright" is also accurate because with a testimony like this I have no choice but to reflect the light of the world to those I come in contact with. We visited a church one sunday and the pastor was teaching on Nehemiah. I liked that he cried for the plight of others and thought that described me well. I also liked that he was so passionate about God's business. Nehemiah means comforter and while I may rile your nerves, I tend to have the opposite effect on other people. Alexander means warrior and that's exactly what I'll have to be. This journey will not be easy on either end. There's a lot involved. For example, I'll be a black man in America and that comes with a large set of problems that I don't need to get into. I may also lose a lot of my friends and I'll be transforming into my true self in front of the other 25,000 people I go to school with. I also still live with female roommates and I'll have to constantly remind people not to refer to me by the name and pronouns of my former casing. There's also the legal side of it (changing my name and my accounts over for banking, ID, school records, etc.) and finding a mate that will accept my present and my past and be willing to take part in my future. I'll also have to take medicine for the rest of my life. I know that probably makes you weary but let me put it this way. People have been feeling the same way I have for as long as there have been people I'm sure, but there was nothing they could do about it. Before there was treatment for AIDS, if you had it, then that was that. But now, people with AIDS have the option to stay alive and to live their lives like a normal person if they only take this medicine everyday. In the same way, I'll have to take this medicine every week but it will allow me to live a full, happy life. For me and others like me, this is the ultimate anti-depressant. We are given 86,400 seconds every day and I don't want to spend even one more being depressed when there's a remedy. None of us know how many more days we have left and I'm not willing to let another one pass me by. I chose to keep DaVonn because I like the ties it has to our family being that it's a combination of my aunt's names and I also like the fact that you gave it to me.
I want to conclude by saying that I'm giving you this letter to keep so that you can share it with those you need to so that they understand as well and because I know you will be gathering your prayer troops. With that said, this is a part of your life but a much bigger part of mine so please be sensitive to who you tell and let me tell my friends in my own time just like I've done with you. I'm also giving it to you because this will be a tough journey and I want you to be able to look back and remember my reasoning so you don't begin to doubt when it gets rough. I understand that seeing me as your son will take some time. I can no longer be your daughter but I will always be your child. I love you guys and I always will.
--Zay
1 Samuel 16:7 - But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
So their reactions. My mom looked like she wanted to hit me. My dad said it was unfair to push this on them and to say all this now when they've tried to be a part of my life for so long. He also brought up that we'd tried therapy before and I didn't want to talk. But that was in 8th grade and about a different issue but in retrospect they were probably related. They said it would crush my brother so not to tell him especially because he was having trouble in school. Me and my little brother are close and he's told me that I'm like an older brother and sister so I'm not sure how he would take it. I agree that I don't want to take away from his concentration but not the idea that I'm just a selfish person who's out to ruin everyone's happiness. My dad also said that it didn't make sense because I didn't come from a troubled life that would force other people to think they had no other options. I've kept so much from them that they have no idea the life I've lived, but the point is that this isn't class-specific, gender-specific, religion-specific, etc. But he did say he was willing to go to family therapy to talk everything out and so I make sure I know what I'm getting into if I'm serious.
My mom on the other hand was more concerned with the fact that they weren't the first to know, when she finally spoke. Then wouldn't stop talking and didn't want to work through it. She just wanted it out of me and out of her house. She had convinced herself that I'd already taken T which is probably why she looked mad in the beginning. She thought the depo shot I'd gotten was T...I wish. So then we hugged and prayed and they promised to walk through this process with me. My mom then made me watch an hour long interview with an ex-gay pastor. Another day we had bible study together in which she made me read aloud all the verses condemning homosexuality. My dad pulled out everything from my baby dedication and made me look at stuff. Then they went through all my things and took what they deemed to be too manly which included a button up, my dress shoes, some jeans and my slacks. Then my mom gave me a list of people not to talk to including my best friend at school. My mom told me she wanted me to start wearing real bras. That's when I just said no and walked out of the room. She went to the garage and sat in the dark. My dad told me to go out there and hug her. She wouldn't hug me so I asked her what was wrong. She said she was numb and angry. I don't know what right she has to be angry. When we got to school, she went up to talk to my friend and told them we couldn't be friends anymore because he's trans. They had an hour long conversation. I fell asleep. When my mom left, my friend was so upset that he couldn't even have me in the room. He said my mom was trying to throw the bible at him and was using things out of context and even said that they just weren't allowing me to do it.
I didn't eat the first day of school because I had no one to eat with. I don't have a lot of friends because I keep to myself. I wasn't concerned about my image so much as I was just not having anyone to talk to or to realize I exist. My mom said she'd fast and pray that I'd get new friends which is nice but I didn't see why I had to dump the friends that were there for me no matter what, whether I transition or not for a group of people that I'd have to start all over again with. On the second day, me and my friend just decided to stick-it-to-the-man and hang out. I feel like I don't know who I am, what I want or even if my thoughts are my own or whether they are what my mother has told me I should think. I don't know if my mom is telling me the truth or anything.
My friend is very close to transitioning and I'm kind of jealous but I'm mostly jealous of everyone who's parents treat them like adults or even human beings with brains of their own.
As you have probably noticed, I have never been very feminine though I was your female child and though I had many tomboy friends during childhood, eventually they all grew into their femininity as time progressed as I remained in this "phase". I have noticed the concern or disappointment in your tone and in your eyes when I opt for boys clothes, refuse to carry a purse, put my wallet in my back pocket or decline your suggestions to wear earrings to balance out my masculinity. Never quite feeling comfortable in my body has caused a lot of depression and confusion, I just didn't know how seriously it was affecting me. Rewind to the 2-year-old running around, to the 4-year-old talking to strangers like they were old friends, to the 5-year-old they're trying to shut up. Fast forward to a steadily declining morale of a once lively kid, beginning to regret their existence. Skip to a 13-year-old who already thought their life was over, who thought they were a failure for failing to get their heart to fail. Wearing long sleeves and long pants and baggy clothes to hide scars and the fat, or lack there of. They think God is punishing them, trying to deal with them, trying to break them. A hardheaded new teen trying to take on God or go down trying. Then a 17-year-old, four years past their expiration date falls prostrate, tired of seeing the world with a black tint prays for forgiveness and for a clear view; his view. I'm on YouTube like I usually do and stumble upon a video that sums up the feelings I could never express and gives them a name. I was going back and forth afraid that I would lose everyone and that God would turn his back on me questioning whether it was God or Satan. I tried to stuff away the happiness and keep living my life the way I had been, trying to tell myself to get used to it and to get over it. Til just last month I fell prostrate again, praying for him to remove these thoughts for good not knowing that they'd come directly for him. But with that tearful prayer he revealed that and all that I'm about to tell you.
A transgender person is someone whose gender identity does not correspond with their sex assigned at birth. My earliest recollection of these feelings was in one of my several preschools. We had a slip and slide day and even though I liked playing in water, I didn't want to participate in a bathing suit and forwent the opportunity. I've never wanted girl talk or girl time and I always felt out of place at women's luncheon's, girls' days out, slumber parties and other affinity type activities. I've always wanted short hair, a deep voice, big feet and strong hands. I've hated my chest since they first came on the scene in 5th grade and hated any curves that developed just as much. June 26, 2003 was one of the worst days of my life not only because it began a series of about 66 painful weeks but it also solidified that I was not like the boys I wished so hard I could transform into. I've tested the theory that says that your attitude changes with the clothes you wear but to no avail. I tried to like certain things or wear certain things so I could make you happier but I just felt even more awkward and depressed which is something I couldn't afford. It excited me when I was referred to or mistaken for male and aspired to develop muscles instead of curves and to have face decorated with hair instead of make-up. Even though you spent a lot of time choosing a name for me, I've never felt like it described me. And while societal roles are synthetic, I feel much more called to the typical male role as the chival provider. I couldn't see myself as a mother but as a father and not just a mediocre one. I plan to be the best one I can be. I feel as though I've always been your son but was forced to be a daughter. I constantly felt like I was encased in an iron maiden but didn't know why. I felt like everyone was talking to what was encasing me but they couldn't see the me that keeps myself company on the dark inside of a trap. Being a man in a woman's body means you're invisible and that's a painfully lonely existence. It's hard to live in the wrong body. Its hard to look in the mirror everyday and not see your true self. Imagine being Varetta but waking up every morning and seeing Simon in the mirror. You want to wear your make up but the stubble gets in the way and you have much more hair than you care for and everyone you talk to calls you Simon and you almost want to stop meeting people so you don't have to introduce yourself as Simon. Imagine being Levi but being Lisa on the outside wanting male camaraderie but being turned away by your peers and given grief for just trying to be yourself, always being told almost like rhetoric that you are a lady, and the things you want to do, own, or wear are for men. But on April 4, 2009, I experienced God's peace for the first time; this is the day I realized that I was trans.
You are probably skeptical, as was I, that this is something that God could be a part of but after a deperate prayer, God opened my eyes to see that he was ordering my steps. As much as I hated westridge while I was there, it has definitely proven part of God's plan. Ms. Love came during my senior year and she was the first person I told in the spring. She didn't judge me but supported me even though we did not have much time to discuss it. That year we also needed a guitar player for the MLK assembly and Ms. Love brought her friend Sara who I clicked with automatically. We continued our friendship from that day and though it was unbeknown at the time, I later found out that Sara was transgender as well and she has supported me through my uncertainties, never pushing me in either direction but by just being there. Coach K also knows and is supportive and I'm grateful for the relationship I was able to build with her over my time there. Westridge has also allowed me to get into UCLA.
Meagan was the first friend I made at UCLA and we've remained friends. In the middle of FSP, which was also a blessing that I got into, we discovered that we both identified the same way. I cannot imagine having a better support than a good friend dealing with the same issues. Juan and Carina are also supportive. Meagan has chosen to go by Micah. UCLA is also located in Los Angeles near West Hollywood and Santa Monica which both have lots of resources and support for trans people. It's also allowed me to be close enough to meet Pica, another trans person my age, who introduced me to Tawny who is going to Westmont to study to be able to help people like me Micah and Pica. She's helped me to understand that God is not separate from this and helped me to gain the courage to bring you guys into the light. Both of them are Christian. UCLA also offers an affinity group for trans people and specifically transmen and next year they will be started a whole trans program that is connected with the health services. In addition, the university insurance will pay for a lot of the steps needed already and even more next year.
You may have wondered what makes ____________ and I so close. During the spring I came to her with this as an older sister and she's tried to get me to see other avenues, solutions, explanations, etc. which all make sense when she suggests or explains them but when I pray for myself about the issue, God always presents something that points back to his plan. I knew she was a blessing in my life and because she felt such love for me she took it upon herself to lead me back to what she thought was right. Every time we talked about it, we grow apart and I thought I was pushing my blessing away so each time I listened intently and tried to line up my thoughts and visions for myself with what she was telling me. But sometimes it'd take a week, a day, an hour, a minute until those thoughts would re-enter my thought process. She told me it couldn't be God, that it was coming from the devil so like the good Christian I aspire to be I tried to bind satan, rebuke his hold, and force myself in the opposite direction but still I'd fall into his clutches. Or so I thought.
I understand things a lot more if they have a metaphor or a parallel and in that vein, God has brought 3 stories to my attention that apply to my situation. The first story is of Abraham. He waited forever to have a son and then was asked to sacrifice him to accomplish God's agenda. Because he was obedient, he was allowed to keep his son. These are my relationships. I'm not a very social person so I cherish the friendships I have and I'm very aware that the decision to follow through with this may cause me to lose some of those but I'm confident that God has my back. I'm hoping through my obedience, I'll be allowed to keep what's important to me too. God revealed to Joseph that he was someone on the inside that no one could see from the outside. When Joseph shared this, he was harshly judged and even hated. He became the person he was to become by enduring trials and learning patience, much like I'll have to do during this process. When he was out becoming who God wanted him to be, his parents thought he had died but because God was ordering his steps, he became an even more valuable resource to his family and to an entire nation. I realize that during this process, you'll have to mourn the loss of your daughter but as I grow more comfortable and more confident and continue to lean on and listen to God, I'll become a better child, sibling, friend, student, and human being because everything is linked. The final story God gave me was of Esther who was forced to hide who she really was thinking that it was for the best. But when those around her were threatened to be persecuted, she had a choice to make. Because she chose to reveal who she really was, she was able to educate those who had already written her people off and to save those she loved. One of the reasons I have gone so back and forth on this issue and have waited so long to tell you is because I thought that my decision would have a negative effect on your ministry but when I prayed about it, it became clear that two things ordained by God could not be mutually exclusive and that God would protect your ministry and that this new undertaking in my life would be a part of my own ministry (probably starting with Micah).
Since April, I've seen and heard many reasons why I shouldn't do this and when they were presented I didn't have a response but God has helped me with those too. Here are a few that I've chosen to share because they may be things you're thinking as well.
1. God does't make mistakes
I'm not claiming that God has made a mistake. I'm asserting that this was part of his plan. There are some things growing up female have done that will affect and have already affected me in a way that I wouldn't have been affected growing up male. For example, going to an all girl's school especially with girly friends has taught me how and how not to treat whomever God blesses me with and also will steer me away from operating in a mode of male chauvinism (which I can also help Jarren with) and if nothing else, this experience will help me with my own kids.
2. If you were meant to be a boy, you would have been born one
Nobody knows what they'll be when they grow up. They show signs and traits that point or steer them toward a direction they'll grow into with the help and support of loved ones and their own investments. This is the a different situation but the same template.
3. You'd be destroying God's temple
If this were true then any modification to God's temple should be weighed equally including braces, teeth whitening, breast augmentations, botox, tans, laser eye surgery, any sort of cosmetic surgery, reconstructive surgery, make up, hair cuts, pierced ears, or anything else.
4. Plenty of girls start out tomboys and eventually grown into their femininity
Honestly, I'm beginning my adult years. If it were going to happen, it would have happened already.
5. I felt like that too then changed my perspective and now I'm happy
Not everyone with similar beginnings are meant to follow the same path. Think of all the people whose parents started them on piano when they were small. Some have become lawyers, others business people or they may have continued music. If I had the choice between changing my mindset and changing my body, I'd choose the former without a blink.
6. God gave you parents who wouldn't support something like this for a reason
Learning is not omnidirectional, it happens both ways; kids learn from parents and the parents learn from kids. Just because mom's family wasn't christian didn't mean she wasn't supposed to be and because she decided to be despite naysayers, her whole family is now saved. They also didn't support her music but that was the path god had chosen for her.
With that said, I hope I will have your support in this. Statistics show that 1/3 of trans people take their lives because they lack support and love in their lives throughout their transition. But I'm also prepared to continue should you decide you can't because I know that God is behind this. I know you must have a lot of questions and I hope you will feel comfortable enough to ask them and I'll to my best to provide the answers but I don't know everything either. This is a learning experience for all of us. I don't want to overwhelm you with details anymore than I already have but I thought this was important to include in this first letter. Part of this process is choosing a name. The name I've chosen for myself is Zavier Nehemiah Alexander DaVonn Heidelberg. It's long but there's no law against that. Zavier has been the name I liked from the very beginning. I wanted my name to be meaningful to me so I looked it up and it meant "new house" and "bright". I was kind of disappointed but decided to make it up with my middle name(s). But when God revealed everything else to me he also opened my eyes to why the meaning is not so random after all. The new house is my new body, a new outer appearance but the inside is still the same. Our bodies are a temple but they are also just a house we are renting. By me remodeling my house, it will allow me to interact more comfortably and to tend to God's business the way I want to and the way I should. But when you remodel a house, you don't throw out its contents. I'll still be your less social child, I'll still love music, I'll still drive you crazy with the radio stations in the car, I'll still be on a fixed income, I'll still be your child at UCLA, I'll still be your first born, I'll still like stickers and the Cheetah Girls and orange chicken and dollar tacos and more than likely I still won't know how to drive. "Bright" is also accurate because with a testimony like this I have no choice but to reflect the light of the world to those I come in contact with. We visited a church one sunday and the pastor was teaching on Nehemiah. I liked that he cried for the plight of others and thought that described me well. I also liked that he was so passionate about God's business. Nehemiah means comforter and while I may rile your nerves, I tend to have the opposite effect on other people. Alexander means warrior and that's exactly what I'll have to be. This journey will not be easy on either end. There's a lot involved. For example, I'll be a black man in America and that comes with a large set of problems that I don't need to get into. I may also lose a lot of my friends and I'll be transforming into my true self in front of the other 25,000 people I go to school with. I also still live with female roommates and I'll have to constantly remind people not to refer to me by the name and pronouns of my former casing. There's also the legal side of it (changing my name and my accounts over for banking, ID, school records, etc.) and finding a mate that will accept my present and my past and be willing to take part in my future. I'll also have to take medicine for the rest of my life. I know that probably makes you weary but let me put it this way. People have been feeling the same way I have for as long as there have been people I'm sure, but there was nothing they could do about it. Before there was treatment for AIDS, if you had it, then that was that. But now, people with AIDS have the option to stay alive and to live their lives like a normal person if they only take this medicine everyday. In the same way, I'll have to take this medicine every week but it will allow me to live a full, happy life. For me and others like me, this is the ultimate anti-depressant. We are given 86,400 seconds every day and I don't want to spend even one more being depressed when there's a remedy. None of us know how many more days we have left and I'm not willing to let another one pass me by. I chose to keep DaVonn because I like the ties it has to our family being that it's a combination of my aunt's names and I also like the fact that you gave it to me.
I want to conclude by saying that I'm giving you this letter to keep so that you can share it with those you need to so that they understand as well and because I know you will be gathering your prayer troops. With that said, this is a part of your life but a much bigger part of mine so please be sensitive to who you tell and let me tell my friends in my own time just like I've done with you. I'm also giving it to you because this will be a tough journey and I want you to be able to look back and remember my reasoning so you don't begin to doubt when it gets rough. I understand that seeing me as your son will take some time. I can no longer be your daughter but I will always be your child. I love you guys and I always will.
--Zay
1 Samuel 16:7 - But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
So their reactions. My mom looked like she wanted to hit me. My dad said it was unfair to push this on them and to say all this now when they've tried to be a part of my life for so long. He also brought up that we'd tried therapy before and I didn't want to talk. But that was in 8th grade and about a different issue but in retrospect they were probably related. They said it would crush my brother so not to tell him especially because he was having trouble in school. Me and my little brother are close and he's told me that I'm like an older brother and sister so I'm not sure how he would take it. I agree that I don't want to take away from his concentration but not the idea that I'm just a selfish person who's out to ruin everyone's happiness. My dad also said that it didn't make sense because I didn't come from a troubled life that would force other people to think they had no other options. I've kept so much from them that they have no idea the life I've lived, but the point is that this isn't class-specific, gender-specific, religion-specific, etc. But he did say he was willing to go to family therapy to talk everything out and so I make sure I know what I'm getting into if I'm serious.
My mom on the other hand was more concerned with the fact that they weren't the first to know, when she finally spoke. Then wouldn't stop talking and didn't want to work through it. She just wanted it out of me and out of her house. She had convinced herself that I'd already taken T which is probably why she looked mad in the beginning. She thought the depo shot I'd gotten was T...I wish. So then we hugged and prayed and they promised to walk through this process with me. My mom then made me watch an hour long interview with an ex-gay pastor. Another day we had bible study together in which she made me read aloud all the verses condemning homosexuality. My dad pulled out everything from my baby dedication and made me look at stuff. Then they went through all my things and took what they deemed to be too manly which included a button up, my dress shoes, some jeans and my slacks. Then my mom gave me a list of people not to talk to including my best friend at school. My mom told me she wanted me to start wearing real bras. That's when I just said no and walked out of the room. She went to the garage and sat in the dark. My dad told me to go out there and hug her. She wouldn't hug me so I asked her what was wrong. She said she was numb and angry. I don't know what right she has to be angry. When we got to school, she went up to talk to my friend and told them we couldn't be friends anymore because he's trans. They had an hour long conversation. I fell asleep. When my mom left, my friend was so upset that he couldn't even have me in the room. He said my mom was trying to throw the bible at him and was using things out of context and even said that they just weren't allowing me to do it.
I didn't eat the first day of school because I had no one to eat with. I don't have a lot of friends because I keep to myself. I wasn't concerned about my image so much as I was just not having anyone to talk to or to realize I exist. My mom said she'd fast and pray that I'd get new friends which is nice but I didn't see why I had to dump the friends that were there for me no matter what, whether I transition or not for a group of people that I'd have to start all over again with. On the second day, me and my friend just decided to stick-it-to-the-man and hang out. I feel like I don't know who I am, what I want or even if my thoughts are my own or whether they are what my mother has told me I should think. I don't know if my mom is telling me the truth or anything.
My friend is very close to transitioning and I'm kind of jealous but I'm mostly jealous of everyone who's parents treat them like adults or even human beings with brains of their own.
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