Strength, courage, and wisdom. That was my small prayer today. When I said it, I didn't really understand why that's what came to mind but that is going to have to be my mantra. Day 2 of my writing challenge. I have spent like 6 hours on a project that is standing in the way between me and my summer and I needed a break from it so I decided to write. But now that I'm writing, I forgot everything I wanted to talk about so I'm gonna keep working on it and hopefully things will start coming back.
---------Several Hours Later----------
So...I'm still not done. In fact, I don't think very much has gotten accomplished. Perfectionism and being easily distracted are not meant to go together. However I just calculated my grade and I only need to get a C- on this to get a 90 in the class. So...hopefully that'll sink in and I'll go faster. While I was doing this project I did an outline of the points I wanted to talk about so now I begin.
First, do you like the new theme? I figured the lighter colors would make my negative posts seem less dismal. I like the change. It feels clean instead of like I'm hiding in some cave complaining about my life. I don't mean or plan to be negative. I don't know if that comes through or not but I do try not to go too far in that direction. That was a lot of short sentences in a row. I've just annoyed myself.
Next on the list, video ideas. I've done a lot of wah-wah videos but never put them up because I want to entertain and inform, not depress. So I figured I could do one with the questions I've gotten on formspring and another one on things people have said to me in an effort to "change my mind" about being who I am. I also want to do one on lgbt "lifestyles" and one about the doubts I'm having about my identity/direction.
Moving right along. Up next is "transition regrets". Normally people talk about this when after beginning transition they experience things that make transitioning not worth it. Usually when they remember all the good things about transitioning, they just become sad things and not regrets. Well today I bring to you "coming out regrets" (since I haven't transitioned yet). My first regret is that I can't be at peace at home. I feel like any nice gesture is done as a "see how nice life could be" or something and a lot of times it is. They've tried to spend more time with me because when you don't spend time with your kids a) they turn out transgender or b) they spend time with people who tell them they are. I also regret telling my parents, to be honest. At this point, it would have been easier to fake my death. My mom has told me who I can and can't be friends with or associate myself with and while she has no right to do so, it ends up happening anyway because no one wants my mom to be upset, including me. However, she has taken it upon herself to create an email circle of her friends and email them everything I say or do that makes it seem like their prayer to change me is working. She sent them the letter I mailed them, let them know we were in therapy and what was going on there, and also when I sent my mom links to clothes I was looking at for work. There were a lot of "Amens" for that one even though I only picked them because 1) I don't like arguing and 2) I didn't want to scare my boss away since I looked pretty girly during my interview, or at least not like a guy.
My problem is that I don't know how to assert myself without her being upset (because it's all about her), my dad backing her up because again it's all about her, and then the same email circle will get a lengthy note on what a horrible child I've become since hanging out with the gays and trannies. I don't know how to make progress because their minds are already so set on something they know nothing about. So I pretend to go along, or basically just try to keep the peace. The peace route takes to long tho :-/
------So I took a nap so I could keep working on my project but my alarm didn't go off so it's now 9:50am. ugh. ------
I guess to finish up this post I only have 2 more things to talk about. The first being 25. When I used to picture my life on T, I could see me as Zay hanging out with friends, being a big brother, in a suit at church, in a fraternity, etc. I could also see myself as a dad, as an uncle, even a grandpa. But I couldn't see myself as my parents' son until somewhere around 25. I used to think that that meant I would transition and be reunited with them at 25 as their son but now I'm thinking I won't even get to transition until 25. That's definitely made me able to be less anxious for my own sake but now I don't know how to interact with people. I feel like there's no use in talking about feelings and my parents if I'll be singing the same tune without any hope in a change of circumstances for a little less than 7 years. That also means I'll never get to be in a fraternity, I probably won't be finding my wife any time soon, and my college diploma will forever be in a name I've always disliked along with anything else I put my name on. That's in addition to having boobs for 7 years. Instead of T shots, I'll be getting depo shots for 7 years. I know this is all speculation but half a year after coming out, I'm in ex-gay counseling disguised as family therapy and she is basically playing to my parents feelings, essentially fortifying the wall they already had up. Everyone my mom surrounds herself with think the same as she does so even if she did start to concede, I'm sure they would remind her what she should be thinking. Then of course there's admitting they were wrong. My dad to me, and my mom to me and to her entire circle of friends. So yea...
Lastly, I want to talk about what being transgender is, at least to me. What it's not is people dressing up as, pretending to be, or living as the opposite gender. It's also not the result of anything parents do or don't do. It's not the result of some traumatic childhood experience. The devil has nothing to do with it. It's not being confused, nor is it unnatural because I have done nothing to make myself this way. What it is is having your body wired as Gender A and your brain wired as Gender B. There's nothing wrong with either, they just don't go together. Something like this:
It is a condition (not to be confused with an illness), much like imperfect eyesight, dwarfism, or Tourette's. We don't need sympathy or approval (it's not really something where opinion should come into play), we just need for everyone who thinks their opinion is more important than our pain/struggling (not just against the negative but also towards the positive) to step back, sit down, shut up, and watch us grow. We also need those in our corner (aka allies) to step up, not on a stage but on the bus, in the office, etc. Everybody else only needs to call me "sir".
--Zay
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