Since It's Technically The Weekend...

...I moved to wordpress :) The new blog is pretty great from what I've tinkered with already. All the stuff I've written on here is now over there (except this one *tear*) so if you ever get nostalgic, I've got you covered. It's also a lot more interactive, which I like. Well, it will be eventually. I'm actually turning in early tonight. But I'll put something up.

Click This-->The Blog on Wordpress <--Click That
                                   ^        ^
                                Click Here

What The Heck?!

So yesterday I got a message from my friend's older sister. She and my friend are both pk's (pastor's kids).Her son and I share a birthday and she wanted to know what I was doing on our special day. She also asked how my parents were handling my "life changing decision". I wasn't really sure how to answer that. I mean I knew what the answer was but these days I want to be careful of who I trust with what. I told her that they thought I was doing this to them and that we'd gone to some ex-gay therapy. This was her response:

Hahaha! Yeah Indiana is probably nobodies first choice, lol! Do you love UCLA? I'm sorry to hear about the chasm between you and your parents. God is going to hem that gap one day. Do you want kids? In telling you, it wasn't until [husband] and I had [son] (he's great by the way) that we started to understand the job of a parent. I wish all of our parents were perfect but I realize that our parents are just us 30 years ago, trying to figure out how not to mess us up. Many times it's a failed mission and the pain they feel for seemingly not succeeding is only something you can experience once you become a parent. Saying all that to say, if you haven't already, attempt to see your parents for who they really are; they're you and me--they are two partially empty vessels trying to fill is up.

Anyway, love you and come visit me..,

She was pretty neutral but I like that she encouraged me to see my parents as humans and not omniscient. I also like that she added "if you already haven't". I feel like a lot of people assume that I haven't considered anything even when I say that I have. She's proved that there's a way to encourage without being condescending, so there. Not just saying that for my situation but wording and tone are very important with whoever you're talking to or whatever you're talking about, especially when there are feelings involved.

Yesterday I also put a status on facebook that read:

If I see "no homo" one more time... Just because you're nice, stylish, or pay someone a compliment does not mean you're gay. If people would stop making themselves vulnerable behind that phrase, people would realize that those are HUMAN qualities and not gay ones.

It got a bunch of likes and a few comments. The last of which was from a friend's mom who is the wife of a pastor and therefore a minister herself. She wrote:

Amen. God made us one and all...And we are created in HIS image! to love one another! 

It's short and simple, but boy is it sweet! When I came out to my friend, she said that if I needed a 2nd mom, her mom was available. I thanked her but I'm not sure if I really believed her. Now I can see that she knew what she was talking about. I probably won't be spilling my heart out soon because I don't want to put anyone in a awkward position between my parents and me, but just knowing that people I know stand up for unconditional love.

I got to thinking about it and I realized that these are the kinds of people my mom told me not to hang out with. Not specifically, but I guess they'd fall under the category of "those people" or at least borderline. And then I thought about all the people my mom told me weren't Christian or "real Christians": Gays, gay-enablers or anyone who thinks being gay is anything but sin, catholics, people who don't go to church, people who are pro-choice, and the list goes on. I'm sitting in my parents room watching tv and all of a sudden I thought to myself, "What the heck?!" How could she say all that? Cuz now I have to unlearn all that stuff. And it's not true! And I'm glad it's not. I'm still sitting here shaking my head.

In other news, first day of work was pretty great. Lakers totally stole my heart tonight. But just for tonight. Tomorrow I'm officially re-neutral. My mom also talked to me about starting back with "therapy" in July. I'm going to write down my biblical arguments in a little notebook I've reserved for that purpose since April. I have no intention in going back to ex-gay therapy but I realize that I don't choose my path, only how long it will take. Also working on finishing up my website. Only links left to go. 

Wishing you the very best

--Zay

Internalized Transphobia & Doubt

I don't want this to be too long but it's been something I've wanted to talk about for a while. I started sharing my personal experiences online because I wanted to have a record of my personal growth and progress over time, I needed a place to air my thoughts and emotions, to be part of a community, and because I wanted to help people like others have helped me by sharing. So with those in mind, I don't want to misrepresent myself or my experiences.

I don't want it to seem like I am living my life completely unaffected by the thoughts and opinions of others. There are times when I doubt if will really be happier, or if this is what God wants me to do. I still catch myself thinking of lgbt people as "wrong" or "wayward" or what have you. I wonder if God is really ok with being gay or transgender. I sometimes view myself as a freak and worry about my trans "status" making me a perpetual liar. I think about all the money for the surgeries and flights and hotel rooms, I think about having to stick myself every week for at least 5 years, I think about the scars I'll have on my chest and wonder if it's all worth it. And I don't think I'm ever 100% sure. I tend to oscillate between 98.5 and 48%.  But I try to step out on faith slowly but steadily and trust that if I'm headed in the wrong direction, God will let me know. In addition to praying,  I also ask myself a lot of questions and answer as honestly as possible. I look at the strength, courage, and direction of The Sanctuary Collective and others with the same calling. I also ask God for affirmation and it always comes but not necessarily right away.

Anyways that's what I wanted to say about that. I'm also very seriously considering moving my blog to wordpress. Very strongly. It just seems more versatile and professional. More things come standard and it's easier to add things. If anyone has objections, let me know (I don't know what it's like on the viewing end). I'll probably move it this weekend.

I'm also going shopping with my mom when she comes back at 7. So I'm sure I'll have something to say.

Stay up, folks
--Zay

Supersleep, supersleep, he's supersleepy

So I am too tired to really write about anything deep but when I do get the energy, it'll be on the phrase "I don't agree with 'it' but I love you anyway". Let me wet your pallet by saying that it's a stupid phrase.

If you like poetry click here, here, here, here, and here.*

When I get more energy I will also talk about the extent of my averageness and how that relates to something else (I forgot).

Today was also my brother's 8th grade promotion. He got an award for music. We "watched" the laker game via text updates on espn, made cool pictures** in the car with glowsticks, and we just finished spooning. Yay for sibs.

Hoping this post finds you well.

--Zay

*Sorry. Too tired. I'll show you later. Promise.
**Remind me to show you guys pics of my satchel, phone case, the clothes I emailed my mom, the neon pics we took tonight and whatever else I always said I should and didn't.

A Short One

Didn't have much contact with my mom today other than doing this flyer for her. I saw my dad twice, and me and my brother watched Unnatural History on Cartoon Network. It's pretty awesome. This guy who travelled the world to become a monk (at least that's what my brother said) had to come back to the U.S. and he solves mysteries based on the knowledge he's acquired from his world travels. New episodes come on Sundays at 8pm PST.

The one thing that did happen is while I was making breakfast, my mom looked at our refrigerate which has a bunch of pictures taped on it. At the top left is one of the thank you cards I sent out for my high school graduation. There's a spot that was on all of them that looks like a bleach stain. It's been there since we ordered them but today she says "who spilled something on my picture?" and then while trying and failing to wipe it off, "that's not ok". I hate that picture. Every time I want a hot pocket I have to look at it. Firstly, I'm in a dress. My hair was long and poofy. Not to mention I had make up on and none of it was by choice. No one cared what I thought or how I felt. Apparently, it was their graduation just like its become her picture and I don't think I need to spell out why.

I'd also like to call an end to the "no homo" era. When eating chicken or watermelon, do white people go "no negro"? Or when you pronounce all the letters in your words do you say "no anglo". I think it has to do a whole bunch with society especially in minority communities where being gay is seen, in ignorance, as a white luxury. I feel like every time I hear that phrase I die a little inside. Just a tiny piece of my heart chips off. But don't worry, the piece grows back.

Anything else? Oh. My phone clip came today. I walked around the house all day with basketball shorts and a football jersey...and my phone clip. If anyone is having self-esteem issues, I recommend you get a phone clip.

I've also realized that I feel trapped in this house. That's why I'm investing in a bike. I want to be able to just go out when I need to get out without a set destination. I definitely feel myself slipping into a place I don't want to be. I'm going shopping with my mom tomorrow downtown. Please wish me luck.

Hope all is well with you guys
--Zay

Oh one more thing. Read this please *bats eyelashes* It's time for Christians to stop being cowards.

That Other Stuff

Hello all. It's somewhere around day 5 of this challenge. First I just want to share something with you that I saw on Tumblr:

You get so tired. You get so sick of the homophobia, the sexism, the culture of rape jokes and wife beating cartoons. But today you can take 30 seconds and smile. Somewhere right now there is a daddy dancing along while his femmy boy sings Lady Gaga. Somewhere right now there is a little girl suiting up to go play football with her peewee team. Somewhere there is a woman taking off the clothes she hates and pulling on a pair of pants. And there are boys holding hands in front of Dairy Queen and there are girls on their first date at the mall. There is a mom driving her son to the court so he can change his name from Brittney to Brandon. There is a family supporting their daughter after she reveals sexual abuse. There is a foster parent hesitantly walking into his first PFLAG meeting. And there exists more freedom, more equality, more safety than has ever existed before in the history of humanity. Of course it’s not enough. But it is amazing just the same. And you have done this. This did not happen despite our tears and our sweat, our humiliation and betrayal. This happened because of it.

Keep fighting.

Keep being that “annoying” dude pointing out every sexist remark.

Keep voting.

Keep protesting.

And don’t you EVER let the other side get you down. They know that wearing you out is all they have left. What they do not know is that because of you, their children are safer. Because of you, our schools talk about bullying. Because of you, sexual harassment is illegal at their place of business.

you’re doing it right.

Good, right? And definitely a needed encouragement for a lot of people, including me. I just saw a spider crawl under my desk. That means tomorrow I'm either waking up with a swollen body part or waking up having digested more protein than I intended.

Today I want to talk about Christians, the status quo and I guess some stuff about how I'm feeling since being at home. Let's start with the last thing. I guess since I've been home, things have been pretty good. There hasn't been nearly as much "subliminal" coaxing that I can tell. My mom did have reservations about me going to graduation at my high school which I was fully aware of but 1) I wasn't going to let her stop me from supporting my friends and 2) I really wanted to see some of my favorite teachers. I stayed much longer than I probably should have but my dad picked me up and didn't seem to care that it was dark outside and no one else was milling around the parking lot. I got to eat with, talk to, and just see some people that are very important to me. When I was ready to go, she did sigh when she saw what I was wearing, but in that same instant she also lost a document she'd been working on so I'm going to just blame it on that and she didn't stall very much when it was time to drive me outside of mourning the loss of her document. The only thing that has really bugged me is the fact that I feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter. I know she's telling her friends things. At the very least they've been told to pray for me but I know some of them know the whole story. It's hard for me to just say hi or want to be around them when I know they're praying against me. I get confused all the time because of it. I know my mom is praying for me to change my mind while I'm praying for God to give me strength. I came out so that I could be free to be myself. I wanted to give my mom a reason for why she's never really had a daughter. Now I feel like every masculine thing I do makes her upset but she doesn't say anything so she won't "run me away" as she's said to me before. I sent her some pictures of girls' clothes for work because I personally don't want to fight like we do every time we shop. I don't feel like wandering through the girls' section looking through everything and finding one thing or nothing while trying not to think about how much I wish I could be in the boys' section. I could tell she was happy and excited. She probably thought the Lord had answered her prayers and told all her friends I was making progress. But just like every other time, I only did it to avoid her sighs, pouts, and speeches. In line with learning to be patient is  having to embrace a name I never have. I've never really liked my name and always preferred to stay at home so I wouldn't have to introduce myself. I wished I had a different name to go by but I didn't. Now that I have another one, it's hard for me to tolerate it like I once did when I had no other option. I don't get mad when people don't use it since no one knows it, it only upsets me that I can't tell them what I prefer to be called because it'd get back around to my parents and that it'd be an issue.

I want to talk about the "status quo". On Wednesday my mom said something that kind of pissed me off. We were out eating and being the idealist I am, I was telling her how to improve something or other. She basically said something like "well that's just the way life is". It's not necessarily what she said that made me angry because it's true, that is the way life is...for now. But I feel like she was only giving me that line because it was something she could accept. But not everyone is built the same. I thought to myself "what if someone had just decided that being black meaning that you were a natural slave was 'just the way it was'?" Or what about something like gay-marriage? Would she be able to accept it as "just the way things are"? Well first of all, she better get ready. But secondly, anyone who knows my mom knows that, for now, that answer is no and she would do whatever she could to change it, even if it meant just praying more than usual. My parents were born in the 50s and so they were both changing the world just by living their lives, but she doesn't understand that for the most part, that's everyone else's story too. I also understand that she's a mom and she wants to give advice but my dreamer's spirit didn't just appear overnight. I feel like telling people that "that's just the way it is" is a vicious cycle. If they believe it, they will just tell others who might believe them too until everybody just thinks that their voice and ideas have nothing to offer the world. The people who don't believe it are viewed as crazy and people think that since they didn't have enough sense to stop dreaming, they'll put a stop to it themselves. But thank God for those who keep at it cuz the world would suck without them. I just hate that people pass around the idea that the way things are is the way they will be until someone else decides. It can be us. It should be us. It's been us little people with huge hearts and open minds. 

Last but not least, Christians. I'm really starting not to like them. When someone mentions the bible or God, I just tune out and when people say they're Christian, I turn up my nose like some of the Atheists I know. I've even considered not calling myself Christian anymore but then I realized that that would do more harm than good. I just hate to see people act like they're God's favorite. I realized that part of the reason I dislike going to church is because they tell people what they ought to be doing. They ought to come to church every Sunday, they ought to quit drinking and smoking, they ought to stop sleeping around, they ought to read their bible every day. My thing is that what people really need to know about is God. If you tell them about God's strength, they'll lean on him. If you tell them about God's grace, they can forgive themselves and other people. Today part of the pastor's message was "I hope you fail". He was saying that he hopes we get so low that we run to the end of ourselves and have no choice but to call on him*. That's exactly how I got where I am now so be careful what you pray for. lol

Lastly I just wanted to talk about Christians and their holier than thou attitude when it comes to homosexuality and abortion. They're not the same, but people have no problem picking up a sign to let you know how angry God is with those who "practice" either. When you decided to be a Christian, you decided to pick up your cross and follow Jesus. Christians started out being persecuted and throughout history there have been times when we were left alone but we are here to struggle peacefully but to stand firmly in our convictions. We're here to deliver the good news, not force it down people's throats. I don't agree with laws based on Christian morals because God doesn't force us to do anything so what makes people think that he wants them to force things onto people. Even Thomas Jefferson said that no laws were to be made based on religious values. Don't get the idea that God is winning if no one has a choice. That's not his MO. We are soldiers in his army but the battle is not ours, it's God's (2 Chronicles 20:15). That's why he gave us the sword of spirit, not the sword of the steel, the tongue, or the picket sign.

Here's one of my favorite songs that corresponds with this.

Here's a site I just stumbled on today. A good portion of them are sad, but a lot are happy too. Either way, most of them will really make you think if you allow em to :) Don't stop dreaming

Oh! PS I start work on Thursday :D/ :-/

Hope your week starts off great

--Zay

Red, Dreads & Bread (and some other stuff)

I'll just start off by saying that I am seriously failing in all my goals except this one. Here's hoping that changes. Moving right along...

Yesterday when I got home, I realized I'd started my period. Because I've been on depo provera since November, it was barely anything and I'm pretty sure it's done or on its way out now. Last time I got it on my brother's birthday...in the line for Riddler's Revenge. Lame. I had discomfort instead of cramps and it was done by the next day. This time there was nothing :D  So that was the red. Now for the dreads.

I have wanted dreads since at least 5th grade and now since my parents are insisting I grow my hair out to "honor them" (as in "Honor thy father and mother"), I figure I might as well take advantage of that. However, it's just now come to my attention that my hair is thin and I feel like there won't be enough hair for it to look decent. I also have to consider my job. When dreads are just starting out, they look crazy. I've also thinking about shaving the sides and fading the back and leaving it curly on top. The only thing is that I have an odd shaped head. I am just at a loss for what to do with my hair. Tomorrow I am getting some conditioner that will hopefully make it look better because I'm starting to look crazy.

And bread. This is more like...advice...or something. If you are near a Quiznos, they have this awesome deal where you can get 2 things (a bullet, a sammie, soup, or chopped salad) for just $5. I had it yesterday and again today with my mom. Both times I got the turkey pesto bullet with pan asian salad the first time and classic cobb salad today. Both were delicious. Oh! I also get them to put bacon on my sandwich. Next time I'm going to try a sammie and the chili. But everything's been delicious and it's $5 and a perfect portion. Go now.

I had a few other things to talk about but since I made a checklist of what I wanted to talk about throughout the day (which is maybe why this blog sounds so choppy (and cuz I'm tired)), I'll remember for tomorrow.

I hope wherever you are and whoever you are, you're having a good day and appreciating yourself.

--Zay

Finito

As of like an hour ago, I'm done with my first year of college. The big weight of my chest/shoulders hasn't released itself yet but I'm sure it's on its way. A weight that did just fall off is the issue surrounding transportation this summer. I have a job, but so do my parents and they are in opposite directions. I have a bus pass now through my school but when I looked for the summer, they weren't available. I assumed it was because I wasn't enrolled for the summer. I wanted to see when my pass expired so I checked the site again and all of a sudden they were selling them again and they didn't stop me from buying one :) Since the guy teaching the class I wanted didn't e-mail me back, I would have had to pay for a regular pass 3-4 times totaling $186-248. Instead, I paid $50. Yay me!

Ok now that we're done with that, I'd like to make a plug to The Sanctuary Collective. I mentioned them on one of my videos but they're great and today they deserve a shoutout. Here's their latest video (more suited toward trans people). Awesome, right? The one right before was great also (more suited toward gay people). If you didn't watch it (which I really think you should), I'll just tell you what it's about. The topic for this week was "where do you see yourself in the bible?". Micah pointed out some verses that I had never seen before (I guess because everyone pays special attention to John).

Matthew 19:12 - For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

Um...hello?! Oh, and don't forget this one:

Isaiah 56:4-5 - For thus saith the LORD unto the eunuchs that keep my sabbaths, and choose the things that please me, and take hold of my covenant; Even unto them will I give in mine house and within my walls a place and a name better than of sons and of daughters: I will give them an everlasting name, that shall not be cut off.

So yea. I was like this --> :-D and also like this ?:-7 (aka smug look for everyone who's decided I'm a lost sheep). God sees me for me! Past my label, past my name. It feels great.

Speaking of feeling great, today I went to the graduation of the class of dimes. They all looked great. I got to see my friends reach a big milestone and also reunite with some people from my class. I also got to see all the teachers my mom has been trying to keep me away from. I was really glad to see them. I'm trying to get all this out but I am so tired and my eyes are itchy and I also want to keep up with my goal. Speaking of goals, I haven't kept up with any of the other ones because for the past two days, I was working on the project from the time I stretched to the time the light went off. Hopefully I'll get back on track. I'll just conclude by saying to everyone I saw today, I have much love and appreciation for you and the role you've played in my life whether or not you realized you were playing one.

Goodnight
--Zay

Strength, Courage & Wisdom

Strength, courage, and wisdom. That was my small prayer today. When I said it, I didn't really understand why that's what came to mind but that is going to have to be my mantra. Day 2 of my writing challenge. I have spent like 6 hours on a project that is standing in the way between me and my summer and I needed a break from it so I decided to write. But now that I'm writing, I forgot everything I wanted to talk about so I'm gonna keep working on it and hopefully things will start coming back.

---------Several Hours Later----------

So...I'm still not done. In fact, I don't think very much has gotten accomplished. Perfectionism and being easily distracted are not meant to go together. However I just calculated my grade and I only need to get a C- on this to get a 90 in the class. So...hopefully that'll sink in and I'll go faster. While I was doing this project I did an outline of the points I wanted to talk about so now I begin.

First, do you like the new theme? I figured the lighter colors would make my negative posts seem less dismal. I like the change. It feels clean instead of like I'm hiding in some cave complaining about my life. I don't mean or plan to be negative. I don't know if that comes through or not but I do try not to go too far in that direction. That was a lot of short sentences in a row. I've just annoyed myself.

Next on the list, video ideas. I've done a lot of wah-wah videos but never put them up because I want to entertain and inform, not depress. So I figured I could do one with the questions I've gotten on formspring and another one on things people have said to me in an effort to "change my mind" about being who I am. I also want to do one on lgbt "lifestyles" and one about the doubts I'm having about my identity/direction.

Moving right along. Up next is "transition regrets". Normally people talk about this when after beginning transition they experience things that make transitioning not worth it. Usually when they remember all the good things about transitioning, they just become sad things and not regrets. Well today I bring to you "coming out regrets" (since I haven't transitioned yet). My first regret is that I can't be at peace at home. I feel like any nice gesture is done as a "see how nice life could be" or something and a lot of times it is. They've tried to spend more time with me because when you don't spend time with your kids a) they turn out transgender or b) they spend time with people who tell them they are. I also regret telling my parents, to be honest. At this point, it would have been easier to fake my death. My mom has told me who I can and can't be friends with or associate myself with and while she has no right to do so, it ends up happening anyway because no one wants my mom to be upset, including me. However, she has taken it upon herself to create an email circle of her friends and email them everything I say or do that makes it seem like their prayer to change me is working. She sent them the letter I mailed them, let them know we were in therapy and what was going on there, and also when I sent my mom links to clothes I was looking at for work. There were a lot of "Amens" for that one even though I only picked them because 1) I don't like arguing and 2) I didn't want to scare my boss away since I looked pretty girly during my interview, or at least not like a guy.

My problem is that I don't know how to assert myself without her being upset (because it's all about her), my dad backing her up because again it's all about her, and then the same email circle will get a lengthy note on what a horrible child I've become since hanging out with the gays and trannies. I don't know how to make progress because their minds are already so set on something they know nothing about. So I pretend to go along, or basically just try to keep the peace. The peace route takes to long tho :-/

------So I took a nap so I could keep working on my project but my alarm didn't go off so it's now 9:50am. ugh. ------

I guess to finish up this post I only have 2 more things to talk about. The first being 25. When I used to picture my life on T, I could see me as Zay hanging out with friends, being a big brother, in a suit at church, in a fraternity, etc. I could also see myself as a dad, as an uncle, even a grandpa. But I couldn't see myself as my parents' son until somewhere around 25. I used to think that that meant I would transition and be reunited with them at 25 as their son but now I'm thinking I won't even get to transition until 25. That's definitely made me able to be less anxious for my own sake but now I don't know how to interact with people. I feel like there's no use in talking about feelings and my parents if I'll be singing the same tune without any hope in a change of circumstances for a little less than 7 years. That also means I'll never get to be in a fraternity, I probably won't be finding my wife any time soon, and my college diploma will forever be in a name I've always disliked along with anything else I put my name on. That's in addition to having boobs for 7 years. Instead of T shots, I'll be getting depo shots for 7 years. I know this is all speculation but half a year after coming out, I'm in ex-gay counseling disguised as family therapy and she is basically playing to my parents feelings, essentially fortifying the wall they already had up. Everyone my mom surrounds herself with think the same as she does so even if she did start to concede, I'm sure they would remind her what she should be thinking. Then of course there's admitting they were wrong. My dad to me, and my mom to me and to her entire circle of friends. So yea...

Lastly, I want to talk about what being transgender is, at least to me. What it's not is people dressing up as, pretending to be, or living as the opposite gender. It's also not the result of anything parents do or don't do. It's not the result of some traumatic childhood experience. The devil has nothing to do with it. It's not being confused, nor is it unnatural because I have done nothing to make myself this way. What it is is having your body wired as Gender A and your brain wired as Gender B. There's nothing wrong with either, they just don't go together. Something like this: 

It is a condition (not to be confused with an illness), much like imperfect eyesight, dwarfism, or Tourette's. We don't need sympathy or approval (it's not really something where opinion should come into play), we just need for everyone who thinks their opinion is more important than our pain/struggling (not just against the negative but also towards the positive) to step back, sit down, shut up, and watch us grow. We also need those in our corner (aka allies) to step up, not on a stage but on the bus, in the office, etc. Everybody else only needs to call me "sir".

--Zay

Strength, Courage & Wisdom by India.Arie

Old Surroundings, New Goals

Hokay. So I'm back at home for the next three months. I am not even entertaining the fact that this will be a calm summer. While we were packing, my phone rang and it was the secretary from the ex-gay place saying I had an appointment today. My mom called back and was explaining how she and the counselor had emailed a few times but never came to a conclusion of when would be a good time for the next appointment. How about never since she said that the last appointment would be the last one. Yea, so that's day 1. Old physical surroundings and surrounded by old mentalities. But I do have a job this summer, and possibly but not probably summer school so I'm hoping to be able to be consumed in my work. It's only three months but at the same time it's three whole months. I've been praying to find strength and patience for the time I'm here and hopefully understanding and now that I'm home I understand that I need to be praying that much more.

I've also set a few goals for the summer related to my well-being (and found an app to track them). 1) Stretching every morning. 2) Praying at least once a day. I usually do this anyway but just to be sure. 3) Reading a devotion every morning. I don't know what I'm doing about church this summer because I don't enjoy the one my family goes to. So...we'll see. 4) Washing my face twice a day. 5) Working out at least 2-3 times a week at the gym and doing something at home every day. 6) Write every day. I don't know why but something has told me to make this a goal of mine. This is my first step in attempting that goal. I have issues with monotony so all these are going to be challenges but I'll need something to keep me grounded. 99 days til I go back to school. Trying to cherish them while still counting down.

Oh! Before I stop writing, I might have a gallbladder or kidney issue because my stomach swells to maybe like 6 month pregnant size. I'm definitely not pregnant. It's been happening for a while and I thought I was getting fat so I actually exercised one day last week...then I realized that none of the rest of me had gotten any bigger. I do want to bulk up and get toned so I'm gonna work out anyways. So...is that it? For now, I guess so. I have more to talk about but I don't want to ramble any more than I have so I'll talk to you guys later

--Zay

Reality and I Just Collided

It really just hit me that I'll be at home all summer in girls' clothes. I don't mind not being on T yet. I just want my parents to stop conspiring against me and trying to convert/brainwash me. It's so tiring defending them to others and to myself. I'm tired of having to be the only soldier in my army (for my personal battle). I'm starting to doubt the value of being in this family. The pros of living my own life greatly outweigh the cons. I think one of the suckiest parts is the secrecy. I'd rather they be honest. I'm tired of having to seem oblivious to their ploys in order to keep the peace. I feel like it's either peace or happiness at this point which is exactly where I was in the beginning before I came out. And I'm tired of crying. So tired. Tired of having to take naps to be ok enough to get my school work done. It's getting to the point where I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, not because I'm not perceived as Zay but because I'm afraid I'll just start crying out of nowhere or that my countenance will drop so low so suddenly that I'll bring other people down too. Wasn't the whole point of this so that I could begin to be happy?

I'm not a whiner, I just need a place to let things out. Sorry for the downer

--Zay

No Pretty Bow

*Warning: This will be a long one. I'll be recounting my journey since December in as much detail as I can, explaining my feelings along with the facts. You may want to do this in more than one sitting. Get some snacks and reading glasses.*

The title of this blog entry has two meanings of explanations. The first is that I don't really know how this will end, I only know that I need to write. The second has to do with something I read and if I can keep my focus, I'll talk about that too.

Ever since the second therapist's appointment I have had the feeling that my parents didn't love me. I'm not trying to play the whiny brat here. What I mean is that they love their daughter and cannot see me outside of that; they can't see me as my own person, only as a female extension of their own beings. I'm also not trying to sound boastful when I say that I can see them outside of being my mom and dad. I haven't always had it and I'm not sure when it developed. To me they are more than mom and dad; they are more than a role, more than caretakers. They are more than husband and wife, they are more than the H*********s. They each have their own issues, their own struggles, their own insecurities, successes and failures, aspirations and hopes, dreams and disappointments, and I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge all that in our interactions and in the way I see them handle certain situations. In fact, it's allowed me to get over or at least forgive them in situations where I felt I was treated harshly or unfairly.

When I first came out to them they stressed that we go through this journey together as a family, but 4 months came and went and nothing happened; no conversations, no therapy, no energy. I sent them another letter and this time, since they took no initiative to learn about what I'm going through on their own, I sent them a pamphlet from PFLAG, a book called The Transgender Child, and 2 CDs with my feelings in words. They again stressed that we go through this as a family and scheduled me an appointment for a therapist who "wanted to be a man for 30 years". This was implying that this person no longer wanted to be and that even if my wait was just as long, I too could overcome my desire to become a man. Firstly, I could tell right off the bat that this was a trap, that she wasn't trying to understand me. Instead, she was trying to change me. However my suspicions were temporarily put at ease when she said we'd be seeing a family therapist to help them learn how to be better parents to a transgender child and that I was able to choose a therapist for them to go to as well. Secondly, I resent the implication that I simply "want" to be a man. I certainly did not choose to be transgender, no one does. This person also turned out to be a family friend which made it even more awkward. She said she wasn't trying to change my mind, she just wanted me to be happy but she only presented facts and feelings opposing my decision.

Well 1 official and 1 unofficial meeting with the therapist, we started family therapy. The moment I saw who the person was, my countenance dropped. It wasn't another family friend but this person looked just like her so I figured it would be more of the same of what I'd already gone through. I was wrong; it was worse. This person was an ex-gay counselor who the first therapist recommended. I don't remember much of the 1st session but it wasn't good. Click here for the video I made about it. It wasn't family oriented at all. It was me-oriented. I emailed my mom and told her I didn't want to go back to that person and she said that since we were already scheduled for next week, we had to go but that after that we didn't have to go back. I asked her if she'd ask the counselor ahead of time to focus on our family rather than trying to convert me. I'd given her the info on my therapist of choice a couple of weeks before this point and I asked when we were scheduled to see her. She said she'd tell me later. That made me feel wary because when she was scheduling the ones she'd chosen, everything seemed to work out fine. We even came in on off-days, so the fact that it had taken so long to make contact with the one I chose seemed suspicious but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She said that the gender therapist costed $160 per visit because she didn't take our insurance. We aren't a particularly wealthy family so I understood. At the end of the first appointment, the ex-gay counselor gave my mom a video of Sy Rogers who was a gay man who decided that becoming a straight woman would be easier. But he prayed for an answer from God who shut down the facility he was going to get surgery from just a few days before his operation. God told him he didn't have to live that life anymore and now he is something like an ex-gay motivational speaker, married with a kid. Needless to say it confused me then and it confuses me now.

The second appointment ended up being 3 hours long. We brought my brother along but he was in a separate room doing homework. And to this day, June 1st, we still haven't included him in our "dirty little secret" ( I know they're holding it back from him in hopes that they can cure me and he'll never have to know. So much for going through it as a family). The appointment was a disaster. She introduced us to one of those kind of helpful, mostly frustrating ways of talking; "I feel _____ because...." We were focusing on our family. My mom was getting out some things that she needed to about her childhood but the counselor kept trying to play me out to be subtly abused, making routine childhood instances out to be the reason I "want to be a man" (I want to throw furniture whenever I hear that). For example, in elementary school, no one really wanted to play with me; throughout school, I had some teachers who didn't like me; she even through in the birth of my brother. Ok, lady. And my mom lapped that up and started adding in things of her own like my learning disability. Let me just state that I had some rough times during childhood just like everybody else but they did not, in whole or in part, make me transgender. She then decided to have us try the "I feel...because..." formula on how we felt about my being trans. I said I was anxious to start transition. My dad, in summary, said that I was betraying them because they had diapered me, nursed me to health, put me through school, and provided me with food and shelter, and now I was listening to "those people" (apparently every LGBT person I've ever met at either school or otherwise) instead of listening to them and my mom agreed. My mom said that I was stealing the daughter that God gave her ("I know God wouldn't give me a daughter and then take her away") and that since I love God so much, I would be disappointed when I found out that this isn't what he wanted for my life. Lots of assumptions all around. Whenever I said something, the counselor was my parents advocate. "Well it took you a year to understand, don't you think you owe your parents at least that much time?" and my personal (least) favorite "You have an awesome opportunity here to bring your family closer together. We're all here together because of you. Isn't that a blessing? But you're not going to become closer by going through with the sex-change surgery". Again, I want to throw furniture, preferably at her, but that wouldn't be the Christian thing to do...sure would feel good, though.

I would say that if you don't understand why that upsets me to try spending some time in transcyberspace, but I realize that it would be hard to find something concise. I am upset because she has pretty much blatantly stated that I would be doing my family a disservice by transitioning and that God's purpose for my being transgender was so that I could bring my mom to therapy to deal with her rough childhood. She also used the term "sex-change" which makes it sound dirty and gives a picture of transgender people as "transvestite" men (an antiquated term) who want to become more believable. She also boiled down everything trans people go through to bottom surgery. This also comes from the woman who refers to people as "one of my patient's son who had surgery to become a woman" or something to that effect every time. She chooses to stay ignorant and by presenting herself as an authoritative figure on the subject, encourages my parents to do the same. My mother's comments upset me because she is making herself the victim (as she does with nearly every situation). She is also belittling the relationship that I personally have with God and suggesting that hers is more mature, more real, more developed and she is audacious enough to suggest that God's will lines up with her own desire instead of seeking for it to be the other way around. My dad's response was frustrating because he suggested that I owed it to them not to transition. He also assumed that I was disregarding the 18 years we'd been a family. He also had convinced himself that since I hadn't been raised to be transgender, I must be getting this information from other people and completely ignored the fact that I tell them this is something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. It's also angering because I take extra care not to confide too much in anyone, LGBT or not, about my family and the things they say or do because the response is usually negative. I don't want to allow anyone to pit me against them even though I know they're wrong. If I had listened to what my friends were telling me, I would have claimed independent status, been living on my own right now, told my brother what they are desperately trying to keep a secret, come out to everyone, and started T (all which are completely understandable). None of that has happened...so sthu. I am here, trying to work it out, trying to explain, tolerating your pity party, and being EXTREMELY sensitive to your feelings (pausing my life) though you seem not to care about mine. So that's why I'm upset.

By the end of that appointment I'd realized 3 things: 1) Our definitions of "work through it as a family" were vastly different in that theirs means converting me using any and all tactics while trying to seem like they had no idea what they were doing while mine is more like "I explain my feelings and thought process, you ask questions and try to understand me, I try to understand you, you decide whether or not you will support me and we remain family or we remain cordial as I move forward with my life". Pardon me for thinking that that was your reasoning when you said you wanted to learn how to become better parents during this change in my life. 2) I realized that my parents didn't love me, they loved their daughter, they loved their normal family. They love their daughter so much that when they say "I love you", I have a hard time believing them because they don't realize that "daughter" is my label, not who I am. If all of a sudden I stepped out from behind a cardboard cutout of myself, they'd hug the cutout. 3) They played me. I had a feeling that they were only going through the motions and that they had already decided the outcome. This was confirmed when my mom said to the ex-gay counselor, "we are going to go to the other counselor (in reference to the gender therapist) but just because [I forgot what exactly her answer was but it was clear that she had no intention of getting anything out of it]".

After that day I can say that I've spent all but two nights crying myself to sleep (even before naps) for various reasons, replaying various scenes, praying for God to deliver me from this, apologizing for any sins I'd committed knowingly or unknowingly, praying for death, wondering why they didn't love me, cringing at the fact that I'm not the only person who will or who has had to see that lady. I thought back over all the fake sympathy, the evidence of a desire to maintain what they had over anything else, and especially their not-so-subtle, subtle attempts at guilting me into changing my mind or trying to persuade me to conform to their thinking like pulling out all the letters from my baby dedication (as if to say "Read these. You couldn't possibly be transgendered after that"), having forced bible study in which we go over all the verses that condemn homosexuality, or being extra nice or doing fun things that we normally wouldn't as if to say "see what you could have, see what you'd be messing, see what you're messing up?"

My aunt (who is really my mom's friend), emailed me saying that she had read the 2nd letter I wrote to my parents and wanted me to call her. When I did, it was a good conversation and she said that she wanted to meet up with me and have lunch. I agreed but after reflecting on how the very people who were supposed to love me unconditionally had been treating me, I was cautious to not get my hopes up. It went well though. As always I presented my parents in a "they mean well" light even though my feelings are much different. I liked that she asked me questions about school and friends because she was genuinely interested, not to avoid talking about the elephant in the room or to dig up dirt. The lunch was good, it felt nice to be seen as a person and not a homewrecker/life-ruiner.

When I was at home this past weekend, my mom gave me this diary that she wrote to me from a day or two after my birth up until I was 1.5-2 and said "Read this, maybe it will reveal some things" with a smile. Another attempt at trying to convert me. I read the whole thing because it was interesting reading about me and my family in a time I can't recall for myself. I'm sure that the point of it was for me to read about how much they prayed for a girl, how much we'd been through together, and what they'd done for me. Now we reach the 2nd meaning of the title of this blog. My parents organized a huge, very ceremonial baby dedication for me that my mom always references and in the diary it was described in detail, including the fact that she put a bow on me. She also dressed me in a lot of pink. So yea...I wasn't a kid who cried and kicked when I was put in pink or dresses but I clearly remembered not liking it. Maybe not that day, but I remember. So the guilt trip didn't work, but I understood the "God wouldn't give me a daughter and then take her away" a little better. I've always known she wanted a daughter, though. It was apparent in her displeasure anytime I gravitated toward anything masculine.

So I was at a very low point and just like before, I prayed that I wanted to do God's will. I had the same outcome; Peace. And this time, an email I got and my random daily devotions lined up to reassure me that I'm doing the right thing and to keep trusting God. I'm nearing the end of this play-by-play.

I decided to read the letters of another Christian trans guy to his mother and it was interesting to see another family in the same situation. The parts he chose to share almost mirrored my experience but there was no pretty bow on his either. The last letter he made public was his mom saying that she had a lot to think about regarding all he had shared with her regarding his passion for God leading him to be passionate about the LGBT community and about the shortcomings of the church and of course about the future of her child. It helped to hear all this but my prayer helped the most and the response I got helped the most.

Now we're at the present. I actually started this blog yesterday or the day before and it's taken me a full two days or more to write out my thoughts, observations, and emotions. And the emotions I've felt while writing this have run the gamut including hopelessness, infuriation, and empowerment. At times I didn't want to even continue writing and during the times when my feelings were negative, I wondered if writing all of this out was counterproductive, but I'm glad I did it. Now to finish up, here is what I'm feeling at this point.

At times I feel dirty, almost like an untouchable, because regardless of whose "side" I'm choosing, I feel lonely. The people I'm supposed to remain closest to have proved the least trustworthy and still, I feel bad for asking people to call me Zay or He or hanging with the people who do or even who know because I feel like I am betraying them. Last weekend I also got a job in my hometown which means that, while I was still going back and forth on whether to live at home or not, now my decision has been made for me; I'm stuck at home for the duration of the summer. I also feel out of control of my life. My mom has almost complete control and I don't feel it's something I can ease out of. It extends from who I can talk to, who I can be friends with, who I can visit, what I wear, how I wear my hair, and anything else. I feel the only way to escape is to move hard and fast in the other direction but my mom will play the victim as always, dragging everyone to her side including my dad and all of her friends and relatives. She says that she didn't see it (my being transgender) coming and people have consoled her saying that people often overcompensate to hide it from their loved-ones or from themselves. With me, that is not the case. She has such a controlling personality that she did not allow me to express myself. I only learned how to do my hair at 13, my brother is now 14 and still doesn't really get to pick out his clothes and even though I had to wear a uniform to school, she still made sure to give her unrequested input on how masculine my clothing was. She even tried paying me to wear skirts more often. She wouldn't let me even walk into the boys section to buy clothes. It's not that I didn't want to have or wear boys things, I was just tired of fighting because arguing made me feel crappy and if she did relent, she pouted which made me feel like a jerk. So I let her have her way. See the irony? And with my job, I know she would pull the same things so I've already let go of the idea of wearing dockers to work and picked out the least frilly flats from payless and the least hip-hugging women's dress pants.... *sigh* 

Over n Out

--Zay