Finally...

I cut my hair. Thanksgiving's in less than a week and my family doesnt know. Today would have been an amazing day had I not gotten my phone stolen. The fact that I miss my girlfriend like crazy doesn't help either. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I'll post pics of me with my new hair and new clothes whenever I get them

Neil Armstrongin' it

So today (Friday even though it feels like Thursday) is a huge step for me in my transition. I'm going to an actual store to buy man clothes. My girlfriend is getting initiated into her fraternity on Saturday and I wanted to look nice. I ordered some non-shiny dressy shoes and I'm getting those tomorrow too. I'm going to get a black belt and black tie, a black sweater and khakis if they have them. If not, I'll wear my nicer pair of jeans (I only have 2 pair). And I need socks I guess but I have thin ones if the tab is already high. I also might cut my hair tomorrow. FINALLY! My girlfriend is down but she said she wanted to go with me. That means I'd have to wait until January essentially and I don't know if I really wanna wait that long. I don't know if I can. I want her to be a part of it especially because she wants to but I also kinda just wanna show up sexy for her tomorrow. So we'll see. I hope she's too blinded by my sexy to be mad that I didn't wait.

I am loving my new deodorant. My gf digs the smell :-) I want to get axe body wash tomorrow too. I just want the world I guess. I'll post pictures if I remember to take them.

Oh! More man clothes news: I am wearing a full tux tomorrow. Yay! and my new boxerbriefs came but only 2 out of 4 so I have to make a call...but yep. Tomorrow/today will be a good day.

And it's the day of remembrance. I don't know if I can go to the on-campus event because I have class but I want to show up and support for the last hour.

Ok I'm done.

Over n Out

-XaVier Nehemiah (Zay)

Step by Step

These past couple of days have been pretty good. On Monday I decided to reclaim my trans identity. My spirits have been unusually high just based on that fact alone. I'm not even sure how far I want to take my transition but just allowing myself to feel and think the way that I do has made a big difference. My friend keeps saying I'm acting different. When I'm not depressed, my adhd comes through a lot more. What can I say?

Today was a day of many firsts including my first doctor's appointment without my mom and MY FIRST DEPO SHOT!!!!! Cost me $56 too but I'm glad I did it. It's not T or anything but its a start in the direction I wanna go. My booty cheek hurts tho... My next shot is in February and at that point, I'll be halfway to never having a 'monthly bill' again.

Two small victories today:

1. In my performance group there are 2 guys, a girl and me. Today during rehearsal, after repeatedly demonstrating my lack of knowledge of the female culture (i.e. "What's a halter top?" among others), the girl goes "why do I feel like the only girl in the room?" I wanted to say "cuz you are" but I just smiled. And it gets better. One of the guys goes "cuz I'm a guy..." and I turn around to see the girl pointing at me and mouthing something I'm sure was along the lines of "but she is." The guy then says "cuz she's cool..." Ha! I'm cool! Even with the pronoun thing it was nice to hear. And the same guy is letting me wear his tux for our performance :)

2. I was getting food and I turn around and some girls boobs are in my face. Slightly offended at their unashamed protrusion, I told my friend who then asked me "Ah...not a boob man?" :) I don't know if I'd call myself a man yet. I feel like I still have a lot of learning and maturing to do but being recognized as male even in half-joking was cool.

But I'm totally wiped and I can't keep my eyes open much longer so for now...

Over n Out,

Zay

Questions for today

...and everyday. These are some of the questions that plague me daily:

Why is it wrong to be me?

Why is being able to love myself mutually exclusive of being loved by others?

Why is the only time I can see myself and be myself when I'm alone?

Why can I only hear my voice in the midst of silence?

Would God still love me?

Is this God's doing?

Is this a test?

Am I making this up?

Would I end up in hell?

Am I willing to go to hell for this?

Am I doing this to myself?

Is this how I really feel?

When all is said and done, will I be alone?

Will I be happy?

Will I be worse off?

Would crying help?

Why can't I let myself cry?

Am I sabotaging my future?

Can I be a good husband? Brother? Son? Friend?

Will I even get the chance to prove it?

Will I lose my girl?

Will I lose my friends?

Will I lose my family?

Who is Zay?

How is he different from Ayanna?

Will I like him?

Will everyone else like him?

Will he be who I am or just another role to play?

I'm back on Mensroom and I'm gonna start my transition one painful step at a time. Hopefully I can figure out the answers to these and the others before I come to the crossroads. I'm really back this time, I'm just not sure in what capacity or for how long. We'll just wing it.

--Xavier