Step by Step

These past couple of days have been pretty good. On Monday I decided to reclaim my trans identity. My spirits have been unusually high just based on that fact alone. I'm not even sure how far I want to take my transition but just allowing myself to feel and think the way that I do has made a big difference. My friend keeps saying I'm acting different. When I'm not depressed, my adhd comes through a lot more. What can I say?

Today was a day of many firsts including my first doctor's appointment without my mom and MY FIRST DEPO SHOT!!!!! Cost me $56 too but I'm glad I did it. It's not T or anything but its a start in the direction I wanna go. My booty cheek hurts tho... My next shot is in February and at that point, I'll be halfway to never having a 'monthly bill' again.

Two small victories today:

1. In my performance group there are 2 guys, a girl and me. Today during rehearsal, after repeatedly demonstrating my lack of knowledge of the female culture (i.e. "What's a halter top?" among others), the girl goes "why do I feel like the only girl in the room?" I wanted to say "cuz you are" but I just smiled. And it gets better. One of the guys goes "cuz I'm a guy..." and I turn around to see the girl pointing at me and mouthing something I'm sure was along the lines of "but she is." The guy then says "cuz she's cool..." Ha! I'm cool! Even with the pronoun thing it was nice to hear. And the same guy is letting me wear his tux for our performance :)

2. I was getting food and I turn around and some girls boobs are in my face. Slightly offended at their unashamed protrusion, I told my friend who then asked me "Ah...not a boob man?" :) I don't know if I'd call myself a man yet. I feel like I still have a lot of learning and maturing to do but being recognized as male even in half-joking was cool.

But I'm totally wiped and I can't keep my eyes open much longer so for now...

Over n Out,

Zay

Questions for today

...and everyday. These are some of the questions that plague me daily:

Why is it wrong to be me?

Why is being able to love myself mutually exclusive of being loved by others?

Why is the only time I can see myself and be myself when I'm alone?

Why can I only hear my voice in the midst of silence?

Would God still love me?

Is this God's doing?

Is this a test?

Am I making this up?

Would I end up in hell?

Am I willing to go to hell for this?

Am I doing this to myself?

Is this how I really feel?

When all is said and done, will I be alone?

Will I be happy?

Will I be worse off?

Would crying help?

Why can't I let myself cry?

Am I sabotaging my future?

Can I be a good husband? Brother? Son? Friend?

Will I even get the chance to prove it?

Will I lose my girl?

Will I lose my friends?

Will I lose my family?

Who is Zay?

How is he different from Ayanna?

Will I like him?

Will everyone else like him?

Will he be who I am or just another role to play?

I'm back on Mensroom and I'm gonna start my transition one painful step at a time. Hopefully I can figure out the answers to these and the others before I come to the crossroads. I'm really back this time, I'm just not sure in what capacity or for how long. We'll just wing it.

--Xavier

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back (I'm back)

I'll explain my absense in another post. I just wanted to post this video.

This video made me think for two reasons: 1) Because I already have alot of those traits and 2) Because I'm not sure if I want the ones I don't have (i.e. the instant sexual thoughts and the lack of empathy)

Oh. PS I have another blog if u wanna follow that one too. Just randoms/frustrations I guess: http://silent-ire.blogspot.com/

Assignment From My Big Sis #1

So I got the assignment to describe myself from my earliest memories until now. Then i'm supposed to talk about my family demographic. So... here goes the first part:

4 years old:

• i went to like 4 different preschools
• at third to last one, there was a water day. i didnt do it cuz my mom made me wear a bathing suit and wouldnt buy me trunks
• somewhere around here is about the time i started fighting/crying when my mom put dresses on me
• last preschool i didnt play with anybody. girls didnt like me, guys ignored me

5 years old:

• Don Benito
• only had 1 female friend. That'd be gabi
• refused to wear those dumb mary jane shoes my mom bought me cuz everyone else's daughter was wearin em
• started wanting to have a penis/use urinals/mens bathrooms
• regularly attended my dad's mens group meetings and only attended my mom's womens bible study every once in a while. felt more comfortable at the former
• brother born 2 months before the end of kindergarten
• fun fact: around the time of my brothers birth, i had real milk for the first time and had an asthma attack. good times
• also the first time i used cocoa butter
• when i started not liking myself

Some Mo' Vloggers fa Ya'll

Howdy do! It's been a minute but I thought it would be cool to recommend some resources in the form of people...in front of a camera...talking. So! Here are the people I'm subscribed to. If you have any suggestions hit me up and let me know.

Trans brothers (or male-leaning gender variant ppl):

Andile

Evan

Jeryah

Mak

Curtis

Nathan

Cayes

Dominik

Tyler

Kaden

Nick [dormant]

Kris

Xavier H.

Kamari

Rico

Milo

Trae

Antoyneo

Jordan

Brian

Sean

Devin

Shaan

Keanu

Xavier M.

Tyhler

Taylor

Trans Sistaz (or female leaning gender variant ppl):

Krista

Diamond

Pitiful. I know. I need more!

Sooooo......That's what I have for you guys so far. If you have any suggestions I'll add em to the list!

Videeyoz

I realize that several of the topics I've talked about on this blog, I've done videos for on the MensRoom YouTube collaboration channel and vice versa so I've decided to update those blog posts by embedding the video. Those would be:

Nice to Meet Ya (Introduction)

Say My Name, Say My Name (Choosing my name)

I'm Comin' Out (Coming out...clearly)

and some others I may have forgotten. So just letting you know i'm going back and doing that and I'll be doing that from now on...if I can remember.

Update on my life as of June 4th

Ok. I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first? Everybody in the movies always says bad first, so I guess I'll honor that tradition. 

Bad News:

Dysphria - A deep mofo. It means I'm hyper-sensitive to the fact that my brain and my body don't match. Happens pretty much constantly when I'm around my mom or when I'm out which is why I'm such a recluse. I want people to meet/see Zay, not Ayanna. But when I get my monthly bill (Ladiez Dayz, Red Monster, The Curse), it gets so much worse. First, I am disappointed, then I get depressed. I start regretting my existence or convincing myself that I wasn't meant to be happy. I stay pissed off at Pinocchio. Why? Because he got to say "I'm a real boy!" and I know I will never get that chance. 

The extra estrogen makes me act uncharacteristically femenine (at least to me). I feel like crying for no reason, I get offended and defensive, and in situations where I have the options of "fight or flight" I choose flight. I'm definitely a lover instead of a fighter and so normally I choose flight unless I'm at my wit's end or something has happened to a loved one. But when I choose flight, it's to keep the peace. During "hell week", I choose flight because I lack the assuredness to say anything. 

I start feeling like I should give up transition goals and continue living my life as a girl to make other people happy. For about 4 days, I engrain that into my brain with a hammer. The last few days, I start coming back to myself but the thoughts don't leave immediately. They drift very slowly with alot of self-reflection. Today is my last day so I'm back to your regular grade dysphoria, hoping for, wishing for, praying about, planning out, and counting down my transition and being disgusted with my body. Yay!

Frustration/Confusion -  DISCLAIMER: IF YOU READ THIS, YOU MAY GET TO KNOW ME IN A WAY YOU MAY NEVER HAVE WANTED TO. AKA ADULT CONVERSATION. 

I've been really struggling with my sexuality lately. If you've read some of my other posts, you know I have a boyfriend and I love him. That's not even a factor in the situation. Here's the thing: Sexually, I know I could never be with a woman. As far as being a husband, I can't see myself with a wife, only a husband. But, when I picture myself at college, I can't imagine myself being a "gay boy". Not that I have to be a part of that scene or play into the stereotypes. Even as I type this now, I'm conflicted. I know I should only be trying to look good for my babe, and I completely agree but I just FEEL like I should be with a woman. I don't want to and I wouldn't like it at all and I love my babe yet I feel like its what I'm meant to do. That scares me alot.

Good News:

My friend ARRO invited me to hang with her and her friends at Pride. The only downer is I need a ride and my mom is soooo not gonna let me go to that! We'll see tho. I'm sneakin out.