Bad News:
Dysphria - A deep mofo. It means I'm hyper-sensitive to the fact that my brain and my body don't match. Happens pretty much constantly when I'm around my mom or when I'm out which is why I'm such a recluse. I want people to meet/see Zay, not Ayanna. But when I get my monthly bill (Ladiez Dayz, Red Monster, The Curse), it gets so much worse. First, I am disappointed, then I get depressed. I start regretting my existence or convincing myself that I wasn't meant to be happy. I stay pissed off at Pinocchio. Why? Because he got to say "I'm a real boy!" and I know I will never get that chance.
The extra estrogen makes me act uncharacteristically femenine (at least to me). I feel like crying for no reason, I get offended and defensive, and in situations where I have the options of "fight or flight" I choose flight. I'm definitely a lover instead of a fighter and so normally I choose flight unless I'm at my wit's end or something has happened to a loved one. But when I choose flight, it's to keep the peace. During "hell week", I choose flight because I lack the assuredness to say anything.
I start feeling like I should give up transition goals and continue living my life as a girl to make other people happy. For about 4 days, I engrain that into my brain with a hammer. The last few days, I start coming back to myself but the thoughts don't leave immediately. They drift very slowly with alot of self-reflection. Today is my last day so I'm back to your regular grade dysphoria, hoping for, wishing for, praying about, planning out, and counting down my transition and being disgusted with my body. Yay!
Frustration/Confusion - DISCLAIMER: IF YOU READ THIS, YOU MAY GET TO KNOW ME IN A WAY YOU MAY NEVER HAVE WANTED TO. AKA ADULT CONVERSATION.
I've been really struggling with my sexuality lately. If you've read some of my other posts, you know I have a boyfriend and I love him. That's not even a factor in the situation. Here's the thing: Sexually, I know I could never be with a woman. As far as being a husband, I can't see myself with a wife, only a husband. But, when I picture myself at college, I can't imagine myself being a "gay boy". Not that I have to be a part of that scene or play into the stereotypes. Even as I type this now, I'm conflicted. I know I should only be trying to look good for my babe, and I completely agree but I just FEEL like I should be with a woman. I don't want to and I wouldn't like it at all and I love my babe yet I feel like its what I'm meant to do. That scares me alot.
Good News:
My friend ARRO invited me to hang with her and her friends at Pride. The only downer is I need a ride and my mom is soooo not gonna let me go to that! We'll see tho. I'm sneakin out.
I understand everything you just said. And I agree, it happens to me the same way. I'm stealth, in both senses of the word. Here, at home, me and my S/O are stealth in the sense where no one knows we're trans. Despite we don't act any less ourselves around everyone, heck, we even slip and use male pronouns on each other, around family, we still aren't out as trans here.
ReplyDeleteSo each time we are called in both our cases by female pronouns, it stings. Luckily for me, this isn't my birth family, but his, so they refer to me as my trans name, which can be unisex, but for my S/O, they still refer to him by his given name, which is so obviously female. I know that bothers him, a lot. I still call him by his name though, the one he chose for himself, and they don't fight on it.
My mother, and grandmother, both who know, that we are trans, live hundreds of miles away, get angry when someone uses my name, other than the one they gave me at birth. I just tell them to get used to it. My mom is getting better, my grandmother however, she's the same. In the middle.
She thinks it's a phase, and that I'll eventually grow out of it. Well guess what grandma, I'm 25 and I'm not going to stop thinking like a boy. She's been saying this since I was 8 years old, 'oh she'll grow out of it, it's just a phase..you'll see.' No, she'll see. She is seeing.
About the being with a girl thing, I know how you feel there. Sort of, since I'm not exactly sure where those feelings arise from. For the longest time, struggling with my own sexuality, I was very scared to say 'I'm a gay man' hell, I still just say I'm bisexual. I think for me, it had a lot to do with the stigma that comes with the term, 'gay male' that deterred me from realizing my true feelings.
I always worried that by being with a man, deep down, that man, would never ever see me, as an equal, to him, though I desperately and whole heartedly, felt drawn to them, sexually. Especially since I'm more of a dominant person, I just felt and still feel sometimes, inadequate to hold the title of gay male. I can be with women, I have been with women, heck, I'm still kind of in a three way, with a woman, and my man.
(Though, that's soon ending, with the woman that is, because she's hella crazy.)
I'm here if you wanna talk, you can ask your man for my messenger info. I'm pretty sure he has it.
Peace.
One day Zay, we WILL be happy. And don't envy Pinocchio. You ARE a real boy. We all are. We're boys/men in our own unique sense of the word. So don't fret over that. Fuck what everyone else says. If you believe that you're a man, then damnit you are.
ReplyDeleteAs for your sexuality, don't label it. Be fluid. But don't force yourself to be with a woman just because you think it would make things easier on people. Make things easier on yourself. You deserve it.
One day i'm going to fly out to CA, and we're going to dominate the world. Even if only for one night.