Questions for today

...and everyday. These are some of the questions that plague me daily:

Why is it wrong to be me?

Why is being able to love myself mutually exclusive of being loved by others?

Why is the only time I can see myself and be myself when I'm alone?

Why can I only hear my voice in the midst of silence?

Would God still love me?

Is this God's doing?

Is this a test?

Am I making this up?

Would I end up in hell?

Am I willing to go to hell for this?

Am I doing this to myself?

Is this how I really feel?

When all is said and done, will I be alone?

Will I be happy?

Will I be worse off?

Would crying help?

Why can't I let myself cry?

Am I sabotaging my future?

Can I be a good husband? Brother? Son? Friend?

Will I even get the chance to prove it?

Will I lose my girl?

Will I lose my friends?

Will I lose my family?

Who is Zay?

How is he different from Ayanna?

Will I like him?

Will everyone else like him?

Will he be who I am or just another role to play?

I'm back on Mensroom and I'm gonna start my transition one painful step at a time. Hopefully I can figure out the answers to these and the others before I come to the crossroads. I'm really back this time, I'm just not sure in what capacity or for how long. We'll just wing it.

--Xavier