Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Quick Update
ZoMG!!!!! Direct quote of a text to my phone. Ready? Ok, here goes:
HEY THERE! Nick from BBUB here. Payment arrived safe! Thanks for the enclosed note. Will mail item this week
May 19, 12:36 pm
--------End Transmission---------
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
So my binder's being mailed this friday so I'm hoping it'll be here by monday or tuesday by the latest. I'm SO happy. AAAAAAND I just found out yesterday that my boyfriend may be moving back to california in time for winter break :) Good day.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Time Keeps On Slippin (My Weekend/The Future and Near Future)
So this weekend, I had fun but ...eh...I'll just re-cap.
Friday I went to school primarily to work on my art project but it was really good seeing everybody again after being in solitary confinement working on papers. The only thing that was bugging me was that I wasn't binding. I was going to but I decided against it. Since I dont have a proper binder yet, I've been using packing tape which isn't the best look or feel and I knew I would be giving and getting lots of hugs and it would be awkward to crackle when I was touched. But other than that I had alot of fun. I'm going back tomorrow and tuesday and next friday for sure.
Yesterday was my senior prom. I didn't go for a couple of reasons. I don't like meeting new people because to me that's one more person I have to come out to later; so I try not to socialize. I also wasn't going to wear a dress and my mom wouldn't have let me wear a suit. So I went to Palm Desert with my mom instead. The ride there was ok until my mom wanted to go shopping. Everytime we went into a store she'd go "come on baby" and drag me to the women's section. I'd always find a way to wander towards the mens section and get ideas for July. She'd ask if I liked some frilly low-cut top to which I'd respond "no thanks". I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I ended up with a gray pair of dress pants, a blue stretchy shirt and these two shirts from converse that were shaped kinda like guys shirts so I figured I could wear them when I was binding. Speaking of binding, my binder should be here by next tuesday/wednesday. I got a small. I wanted to get an extra small but I dont want any rib damage so we'll see how this one goes.
Back to this weekend. When my mom was out performing, it killed me everytime she introduced me as her daughter. I had to stop myself from correcting her especially considering what I was wearing (again thanks to good ol mom). I mean whats the point of going through the trouble to find masculine-looking, female dress shirts to appease someone if said person isn't going to let you wear them? I thought maybe we'd be ok until July 27th but perhaps not. She is way too commited to gender dichotomy. I know my brother feels it too. I'm not exactly sure what he feels but I can tell he's hurting. It upsets me because I dont want him ending up like me and I don't want him unhappy because of her unwillingness to love him enough to accept all of him.
I want to tell my parents (more specifically my mom) before december but I want to wait until I've already transitioned socially and started T. My mom took me to the doctor last week and he's putting me on female hormones until november so I'd have to wait until at least december now. I also want to come out to my friends at school before I leave for college. I don't want to come back to visit as a completely different person to them. So I've got pretty much 2 weeks if I'm going to do it with all of them together.
In other news, I've changed my name...I think. I want the name Nehemiah instead of Jahmaal (even tho I worked hard as hell on the cool spelling). But I was at a different church today and the pastor spoke a little about Nehemiah. He was very much about God's business and took on the pain of others as his own. She also talked about how he had to wait a long time for God to answer his prayers and how God was able to use him effectively by giving him the ability to get along with those whose values differed from his. Jahmaal means handsome...I like the name but I'm not so vain as to name myself handsome. It had a different meaning for me but this one fits me so much better. Now more than ever I can hear and see God's vision for my life. It's a lot different than I had planned but I think it's so important. I feel God is calling me to minister to other trans kids. Alot of times, lgbt youth feel like they're sinners or that god doesn't love them and they're beliefs are reinforced by self-righteous church folk who've forgotten what being a Christian is about. The word Christian means "Christ-follower" so that means we're supposed to love others the way God loves them and let God deal with the rest. As far as feeling epathetically, I've always been that way. In fact, my boyfriend said he was going to start calling me "May" (referring to May Boatright from the Secret Life of Bees). I probably let things affect me too much but I wouldn't have it any other way. I like being able to understand how people feel. It seems like the world is starting to see the world as 7 billion individuals and just lumping them together however they see fit. So! I said all that to say that Nehemiah I shall be.
Moving on, today is senior recognition and senior retreat. My mom chose clothes she wanted me to wear for both. I met this guy once in a chat room. He was 17/18 and after his parents divorce (when he was 14/15), his father went absolutely crazy, pulled him out of school and kept him home without homeschooling him. In addition, he forced his SON to wear dresses and fishnets all the time. If he wore it, he got "spanked" as a "bad girl" and had to put on shows for him and his friends. If he didn't, he got hit or starved. The night I spoke to him, I convinced him to run to the police but somewhere along the way he stopped talking so I have no idea what happened. I bring that up because I kind of feel like that sometimes. Obviously, my situation is different and highly prefered over what he was going through but just the same I feel tortured. Speaking of torture, graduation is coming up and I have to wear a white dress and the paper that documents my greatest accomplishment to date will have my birth name on it.
Oh! Ok enough belly aching. I've decided how I'm going to cut my hair. You'll have to use your imagination to combine these two pics tho. Ready? Yes!:
Ok. Gotta go now before I get in trouble. I won't be back until tomorow but I promise to write more often.
Over n Out
--Zay
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I'm Comin' Out (Coming Out...clearly.)
Well...um...I'm transgender. Basically this is a medical condition, which I’m now told, would have developed a few months before my birth.
By the young age of 4 years old I was beginning to understand something was terribly wrong. I realised I was different and thought I was the only person in the world who felt that way.
At the time I didn’t understand that I was transgendered. That is, a male mind in a female body. I didn’t even realise that such a condition could exist.
As I got older these feelings have become much more intense – and the thought of trying to live like this much longer is very distressing to me. To try to understand my condition I did some research.
I have found that this condition is genetic and there’s nothing I have done, or anything that could have been done, to change the outcome. It starts in the womb where different hormones (male, in my case) can flood the brain, compared to ones that act on the rest of the developing baby’s body (female). So it is possible to end up with a brain that’s been arranged for a male, within a body of a baby female.
This problem occurs for about 1 in 30,000 births to both male and female babies. This rate increased in the 1950s and 1960s where some mothers were given a drug called DES, which was prescribed to reduce the chances of stillbirth. It was later found it also had the effect of making this condition even more likely to occur.
The effect is that although I had been born with a female body, I would really prefer to present myself (dress, look etc) as a male.
To this end I will probably be seeing doctors, psychiatrists, and endocrinologists a to make sure this is the right solution for me. I have already found resources in my area that will help me start hormone therapy. Later surgery will complete the process.
If you still want to be friends I understand that I’m going to be the subject of more than a little curiosity for quite some time to come. Believe me - if the tables were turned and it was you who would be changing, then I would be just as curious.
I would prefer you call me by my new name (Zay) and also use the pronoun ‘he’ when referring to me if you can. I get that there are will be many slip-ups and that won’t bother me at all. If you have any questions let me know.
I still love you and care for you,
ZayJODH
It's got a long way to go but it's a start. Here's a helpful link:
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Say My Name, Say My Name (Choosing My Name)
Xavier - Several small factors influenced me in choosing this as my first name. I've always liked the name. I like the fact that it's not too common but still pronouncable at first glance. I like the fact that it starts with an X #1 because I have an obsession with fairness and equality and I felt the letter X was grossly underrepresented and #2 X seems like a strong letter to me. It's balanced, both feet on the floor, symetrical, and strong (/manly) like when it's used in "x-treme" or "x-games" or... "xxx". Either way it seems to connote passion.
Jahmaal - One of my favorite movies growing up (and now) is Sister Act II. In it there is a kid sitting in the 3rd row of the left-most column. The teacher calls for Wesley and he corrects her saying he goes by (my spelling is not right i'm sure) "Jamal Unjomo Jamaya" which means "he who is spirited". He gave the explanation that his name birth was comprised of a first name given to him by his assimilationist parents and that his last name was inherited from the owners of his ancestors so he preferred his new name. From that I chose this name for two reasons: 1) I wanted to capture what the full name meant and 2) I wanted something which connected me to my roots. My birth name was actually a West African name but I didnt exactly feel a connection to "beautiful flower". Moving on to...
Rasheed - In addition to my roots, I wanted something that would connect me to God. Rasheed is one of the 99 beautiful names of Allah. Now I'm not Muslim but we have the same God, just a different way of worshipping. The name is actually "al-Rasheed" which means "lover of virtue". Rasheed by itself (without the "al" part) means "rightly guided". So to me it means "rightly guided by a lover of virtue". As I said, I'm extra sensitive to equality but also to other virtues and Lord knows I need to be guided. It also reminds me of a very true, very relevant scripture which goes, "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5 KJV
Omari - This is a much longer blog than I anticipated but I said I'd get to it, so I am getting to it. This one means "God the Highest". Plain, simple, and self-explanitory.
DaVonn - This is actually my legal middle name. It's pretty androgynous (I am much too tired for spell check right now). I decided to keep it for 4 reasons (yes more lists. I know you love them): 1) My mom came up with it because her two sisters names are Denise and Yuvonne so she smushed them together and bam! There you go. I love my aunts so I wanted them to still feel like they were important in my life. 2) I wanted my mom to feel she had some input in my new life as well as a reminder that I'm still the same person regardless of my gender. 3) I plan on either being a music producer, a film scorer, or both and it was part of my original pseudonym (fake/modified name). 4) ...maybe there were only 3...oh no! I remember now. My parents, but my mom in particular, are very old testament in the sense that some issues they value more loving thy neighbor. I'm not sure if they'll want me to be a part of their family so I like DaVonn as a last name to fall back on but for now its hyphenated.
Heidelberg - My government name.
So thats my name! Here are some of the sites I used:
Nice to Meet Ya (Introduction)
Terminology
Transsexual: an individual who identifies with a physical sex different from the one they were born with
Transgender: having personal characteristics that transcend traditional gender boundaries and corresponding sexual norms
FTM: A transgender/transexual person who was born as a female and will be/is living as a male
Transitioning: Refers mostly to phyical changes you make to go from your born-gender to the gender your meant to be.
Passing: The act or ability to be seen as the gender you are transitioning towards physically as well as with body language or other antics.
T: Testosterone. FTMs typically choose to take testosterone to grow hair on their face and elsewhere, to lower their voice, increase muscle growth, cease the monthly bill (period), redistribute fat, shape their face, etc. It can be taken as an injection, a patch, a pill or a gel/cream
Binder/Binding: A binder is an article of clothing used to compress the chest and give an appearance/feeling of pecs as opposed to boobs. The act of binding is use of the formerly stated or ace bandages, small sports bras, tape, etc. to accomplish the same goal.
Top Surgery: Surgery to remove breast tissue and relocate/resize nipple area if needed
Packer: Basically a synthetic, temporary penis used to create a buldge and give transguys a more complete feeling and added confidence in passing
STP: A packer with umph. It stands for Stand-to-pee device. So in addition to a buldge, a transguy can use urinals or at least pee standing/outside in the bushes/wherever else
Bottom Surgery: Genital recontructive surgery. There are 3 types: Metoidioplasty (Check it out), Centurion (Check it out) & Phalloplasty (Check it out). Btw the links are not pics, just explanations.
MensRoom: A private community of Transmen that I am apart of. Very helpful. Lots of friendly people in all stages of transition. Check it out
MensRoomFTM: A collab channel that I am a part of that discusses Trans topics. Lots of cool guys. I post sundays! Check it out
Randomness about me
(see if you can ulitize your new vocabulary)
Name: Zay
Age: 17
Location: California
Favorite Color: Black
Favorite Number: 7
Family Stats: (1) brother, (1) mother, (1) father
Relationship Status: Taken since April 11, 2009 :)
Height: 5' 6"
Religion: Christian (of the literal meaning which is follower of Christ. Nothing more, nothing less)
When I Realized I Was Different: As far back as I can remember but clearly by age 4
When I Realized I Was Trans: April 4, 2009
My Transition Plans: My first step is getting a binder. Then new clothes once I move out (July 27th) but hopefully before then. I plan to start on T by November of this year (2009) and I'll be saving up to have Top surgery ASAP. The cost is averaged around $7,000. I do want a phalloplasty but I am not impressed with the results so I'll wait for them to get better.
School Stuff: UCLA class of 2013. Major in Ethnomusicology (hopefully double major in Afro-Am Studies)
Career Plans: Film Scorer
Life Plans: Get married, get rich, father adopted children, donate a crap load of money to organizations that help people like me (Not just trans-wise but for other stuff too), learn to break dance and to do a back handspring.
If you made it this far, you're pretty awesome I must say. That was probably alot to take in, so I'll leave you with that for now. Any other questions you may have for now can probably be answered here: Check it out
Over n Out
--ZayJROD
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