Friday I went to school primarily to work on my art project but it was really good seeing everybody again after being in solitary confinement working on papers. The only thing that was bugging me was that I wasn't binding. I was going to but I decided against it. Since I dont have a proper binder yet, I've been using packing tape which isn't the best look or feel and I knew I would be giving and getting lots of hugs and it would be awkward to crackle when I was touched. But other than that I had alot of fun. I'm going back tomorrow and tuesday and next friday for sure.
Yesterday was my senior prom. I didn't go for a couple of reasons. I don't like meeting new people because to me that's one more person I have to come out to later; so I try not to socialize. I also wasn't going to wear a dress and my mom wouldn't have let me wear a suit. So I went to Palm Desert with my mom instead. The ride there was ok until my mom wanted to go shopping. Everytime we went into a store she'd go "come on baby" and drag me to the women's section. I'd always find a way to wander towards the mens section and get ideas for July. She'd ask if I liked some frilly low-cut top to which I'd respond "no thanks". I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I ended up with a gray pair of dress pants, a blue stretchy shirt and these two shirts from converse that were shaped kinda like guys shirts so I figured I could wear them when I was binding. Speaking of binding, my binder should be here by next tuesday/wednesday. I got a small. I wanted to get an extra small but I dont want any rib damage so we'll see how this one goes.
Back to this weekend. When my mom was out performing, it killed me everytime she introduced me as her daughter. I had to stop myself from correcting her especially considering what I was wearing (again thanks to good ol mom). I mean whats the point of going through the trouble to find masculine-looking, female dress shirts to appease someone if said person isn't going to let you wear them? I thought maybe we'd be ok until July 27th but perhaps not. She is way too commited to gender dichotomy. I know my brother feels it too. I'm not exactly sure what he feels but I can tell he's hurting. It upsets me because I dont want him ending up like me and I don't want him unhappy because of her unwillingness to love him enough to accept all of him.
I want to tell my parents (more specifically my mom) before december but I want to wait until I've already transitioned socially and started T. My mom took me to the doctor last week and he's putting me on female hormones until november so I'd have to wait until at least december now. I also want to come out to my friends at school before I leave for college. I don't want to come back to visit as a completely different person to them. So I've got pretty much 2 weeks if I'm going to do it with all of them together.
In other news, I've changed my name...I think. I want the name Nehemiah instead of Jahmaal (even tho I worked hard as hell on the cool spelling). But I was at a different church today and the pastor spoke a little about Nehemiah. He was very much about God's business and took on the pain of others as his own. She also talked about how he had to wait a long time for God to answer his prayers and how God was able to use him effectively by giving him the ability to get along with those whose values differed from his. Jahmaal means handsome...I like the name but I'm not so vain as to name myself handsome. It had a different meaning for me but this one fits me so much better. Now more than ever I can hear and see God's vision for my life. It's a lot different than I had planned but I think it's so important. I feel God is calling me to minister to other trans kids. Alot of times, lgbt youth feel like they're sinners or that god doesn't love them and they're beliefs are reinforced by self-righteous church folk who've forgotten what being a Christian is about. The word Christian means "Christ-follower" so that means we're supposed to love others the way God loves them and let God deal with the rest. As far as feeling epathetically, I've always been that way. In fact, my boyfriend said he was going to start calling me "May" (referring to May Boatright from the Secret Life of Bees). I probably let things affect me too much but I wouldn't have it any other way. I like being able to understand how people feel. It seems like the world is starting to see the world as 7 billion individuals and just lumping them together however they see fit. So! I said all that to say that Nehemiah I shall be.
Moving on, today is senior recognition and senior retreat. My mom chose clothes she wanted me to wear for both. I met this guy once in a chat room. He was 17/18 and after his parents divorce (when he was 14/15), his father went absolutely crazy, pulled him out of school and kept him home without homeschooling him. In addition, he forced his SON to wear dresses and fishnets all the time. If he wore it, he got "spanked" as a "bad girl" and had to put on shows for him and his friends. If he didn't, he got hit or starved. The night I spoke to him, I convinced him to run to the police but somewhere along the way he stopped talking so I have no idea what happened. I bring that up because I kind of feel like that sometimes. Obviously, my situation is different and highly prefered over what he was going through but just the same I feel tortured. Speaking of torture, graduation is coming up and I have to wear a white dress and the paper that documents my greatest accomplishment to date will have my birth name on it.
Oh! Ok enough belly aching. I've decided how I'm going to cut my hair. You'll have to use your imagination to combine these two pics tho. Ready? Yes!:
Ok. Gotta go now before I get in trouble. I won't be back until tomorow but I promise to write more often.
Over n Out
--Zay
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