----------------------------3 Days Ago--------------------------
(1:25 PM) Mr. Squishy: might i ask when you became a man?
(1:25 PM) BF: when i was 14
(1:26 PM) Mr. Squishy: and i believe zay has told me that you are now 22 correct?
(1:27 PM) BF: no tht i didnt know
(1:27 PM) Mr. Squishy: how old are you then if you dont mind me asking? im 19
(1:28 PM) BF: ill be 23 in aug..ur 19..young (1:29 PM) Mr. Squishy:
its cool that you and zay have your birthdays in the same month. and hey now, zay is younger than i am
(1:30 PM) BF: i know he is..he will be legal soon though
(1:30 PM) Mr. Squishy: legal for what?
(1:30 PM) ZayJROD: of age silly
(1:31 PM) BF: yea..he could do whatever without parental permission is all
(1:32 PM) Mr. Squishy: ah, i apologize. my mind went to dirty thoughts
(1:32 PM) BF: hmm..well i wasnt thinking about sex..i was thinking about another type of thing..
(1:33 PM) Mr. Squishy: as in legally being allowed to change her gender without needing parental consent?
(1:34 PM) BF: he isnt a her...yes that is what i meant its alot easier for him to transition after that
(1:36 PM) Mr. Squishy: im not trying to offend anyone, but you must understand that im still working on getting used to referring to zay as a guy. ive known him as ayanna, a girl, for a VERY long time
(1:37 PM) BF: i understand, just try to correct urself is all..its cool
(1:25 PM) BF: when i was 14
(1:26 PM) Mr. Squishy: and i believe zay has told me that you are now 22 correct?
(1:27 PM) BF: no tht i didnt know
(1:27 PM) Mr. Squishy: how old are you then if you dont mind me asking? im 19
(1:28 PM) BF: ill be 23 in aug..ur 19..young (1:29 PM) Mr. Squishy:
its cool that you and zay have your birthdays in the same month. and hey now, zay is younger than i am
(1:30 PM) BF: i know he is..he will be legal soon though
(1:30 PM) Mr. Squishy: legal for what?
(1:30 PM) ZayJROD: of age silly
(1:31 PM) BF: yea..he could do whatever without parental permission is all
(1:32 PM) Mr. Squishy: ah, i apologize. my mind went to dirty thoughts
(1:32 PM) BF: hmm..well i wasnt thinking about sex..i was thinking about another type of thing..
(1:33 PM) Mr. Squishy: as in legally being allowed to change her gender without needing parental consent?
(1:34 PM) BF: he isnt a her...yes that is what i meant its alot easier for him to transition after that
(1:36 PM) Mr. Squishy: im not trying to offend anyone, but you must understand that im still working on getting used to referring to zay as a guy. ive known him as ayanna, a girl, for a VERY long time
(1:37 PM) BF: i understand, just try to correct urself is all..its cool
------------------Side Chat with just John as the above conversation continues------------------
1:29 PM) Mr. Squishy: zay?
(1:29 PM) ZayJROD: yes sir?
(1:30 PM) Mr. Squishy: am i allowed to talk to just as you as well?
(1:30 PM) ZayJROD: huh?
(1:31 PM) Mr. Squishy: i feel like he is interviewing me, to see if we should be friends
(1:31 PM) ZayJROD: no he's not love
(1:32 PM) Mr. Squishy: i am not saying he is, its just how i feel
(1:32 PM) ZayJROD: what wud make u not feel like that?
(1:33 PM) Mr. Squishy: i dont understand that question my love
(1:33 PM) ZayJROD: what would make it so u don't feel like ur being grilled?
(1:35 PM) Mr. Squishy: idk, to me it just doesnt seem natural that he would want to get to know me so badly
(1:35 PM) ZayJROD: your my best friend *shrugs*
(1:38 PM) Mr. Squishy: he seems to get pissed at me for accidentally referring to you as a girl, just like lindsay. it was an accident, im trying to get use to referring to you as a guy. but its like iv told BF, ive known you as a girl for such a long time. but i am trying zay, ive gotten better at it havint i?
(1:38 PM) ZayJROD: yea u have
and just because they correct u doesn't mean they're pissed
(1:39 PM) ZayJROD: just that they're correcting you
(1:40 PM) Mr. Squishy: well it seems like everyone gets angry at me for doing that on accident. kinda like by correcting me they are giving me a death stare that means "dont you ever say that again"
(1:41 PM) ZayJROD: well if u told me that the world was flat and i corrected you, wouldn't it be the same?
(1:46 PM) Mr. Squishy: no because everyone already knows that, its not controversial. im trying, its just hard cuz ive known you as ayanna, a girl, for almost a year. and we have talked every single day in that year
(1:47 PM) ZayJROD: i didn't say u can't make mistakes
(1:48 PM) Mr. Squishy: it just seems like everyone yells at me for making this particular one
(1:48 PM) ZayJROD: its just when ppl make mistakes, others correct them so they can work on not making the same mistakes
nobodys yelling. lol
(1:49 PM) Mr. Squishy: you know what i mean tho
(1:52 PM) ZayJROD: nobody's mad john. mistakes are part of living. but so is being corrected. its not a bad thing.
(1:53 PM) Mr. Squishy: i guess im just being over sensitive....again
(1:54 PM) ZayJROD: perhaps but maybe you will learn when it happens so u can catch urself and save ur feelings from being hurt unnecessarily
(1:55 PM) Mr. Squishy: it just slips out is all. i use "her" once and im corrected right away
(1:55 PM) ZayJROD: yea because otherwise there is no need to correct you silly
(1:57 PM) Mr. Squishy: well i mean right after i type it and click "enter" i immediately notice it. it doesnt need to be pointed out since i already notice my mistake
(1:58 PM) ZayJROD: well if u dont say so how will others know that you recognized it?
(1:59 PM) Mr. Squishy: what am i to do then? retype the whole thing just so the word "her" will be changed to "him"?
(1:59 PM) ZayJROD: no
(2:00 PM) ZayJROD: you can just say oops or i meant him or *him
anything really
(2:01 PM) Mr. Squishy: is it THAT big of a deal though? i mean everyone knows who im talking about. i realize you consider yourself a man and i have no intention of denying your wishes but its a mistake and thats it.
(2:02 PM) ZayJROD: what if i referred to you as a she every so often
(2:02 PM) Mr. Squishy: it wouldnt upset me or annoy me one bit. i would know that it was by accident. and i know that you love me
(2:03 PM) Mr. Squishy: you could call me shitface
id still know that you didnt mean it
(2:03 PM) ZayJROD: well thanks but it is a big deal to me
and i wouldn't call u that
even in jest
(2:05 PM) Mr. Squishy: and since its a big deal to you im trying my absolute best to respect your wishes zay, i really am. i guess i just dont completely get it, ive been called names my entire life so ive come to learn that a name is a name and nothing more. it doesnt change who you are
(2:06 PM) ZayJROD: im sorry you've been called names and i'm glad it doesn't bother you and i know your trying but just the same it does bother me. im not saying i dont expect this is hard for you but just try not to get so defensive when it happens because i dont think it will stop happening
(2:07 PM) Mr. Squishy: itll stop happening, ill stop making this mistake. but i need you to be patient with me ok? im trying my best zay
(2:08 PM) ZayJROD: well for the record im not the one who corrected u. lol
(2:09 PM) Mr. Squishy: i know my love, i know. but i am trying my hardest. you believe me dont you? completely believe me?
(2:10 PM) ZayJROD: i know
(2:10 PM) ZayJROD: just because someone says what u said was wrong doesnt mean anyone denies that you are trying mr squishy
(2:11 PM) Mr. Squishy: but you believe that im trying right?
(2:11 PM) ZayJROD: yea
-------------------------------------Yesterday----------------------
| (10:19 PM)Mr. Squishy: | you seem busy, am i interupting something important? |
|---|---|
| (10:20 PM)ZayJROD: | uh...no... |
| (10:20 PM)Mr. Squishy: | those dots mean something else, may i ask what? |
| (10:21 PM)ZayJROD: | im not busy why does it seem that way |
| (10:23 PM)Mr. Squishy: | those three dots (...) defenitely mean something, im thinking.....your not telling me something you feel you should? |
| (10:24 PM)ZayJROD: | no just wondering why you always think im busy |
| (10:27 PM)Mr. Squishy: | you used to not take awhile to respond, you used to respond right away, almost instantly. just wondering why that is |
| (10:28 PM)ZayJROD: | just tired i guess |
| (10:29 PM)Mr. Squishy: | that can explain tonight but not the past few months. like since mid march |
| (10:30 PM)ZayJROD: | *shrugs* im sry it bothers u |
| (10:30 PM)Mr. Squishy: | it doesnt bother me, it just seems like you'd rather not talk with me |
| (10:31 PM)ZayJROD: | well thats not true |
| (10:31 PM)Mr. Squishy: | i didnt say it was.......its just the thought thats been going through my head |
| (10:32 PM)ZayJROD: | ah i see |
| (10:33 PM)ZayJROD: | well if it isn't a bother could u msg my phone? |
| (10:33 PM)Mr. Squishy: | i suppose, i was just hoping you could explain to me how ive been different |
| (10:34 PM)ZayJROD: | well if im not mistaken one of the meds u stoped taking was a mood stabilzer right? |
| (10:34 PM)Mr. Squishy: | lamictrogene(lamictal) yes. |
| (10:35 PM)ZayJROD: | well that's the main thing i've noticed has made a difference |
| (10:35 PM)ZayJROD: | it seems like every small thing sways you to the extreme of that emotion |
| (10:35 PM)Mr. Squishy: | really? |
| (10:35 PM)ZayJROD: | yea |
| (10:36 PM)Mr. Squishy: | like could i have an example? |
| (10:36 PM)ZayJROD: | well for example the other day when BF corrected your pronoun use we ended up talking about it for the next 45 minutes |
| (10:37 PM)ZayJROD: | you felt as tho everyone was ganging up on you or yelling at you or believing that you weren't trying it was a simple 4 word sentence that triggered it |
| (10:37 PM)Mr. Squishy: | but everyone was ganging up on me about a simple word |
| (10:38 PM)ZayJROD: | no everyone was not i didn't say anything |
| (10:38 PM)ZayJROD: | he had no emotion in the sentence only fact |
| (10:38 PM)Mr. Squishy: | linds did, BF did |
| (10:38 PM)ZayJROD: | BF didnt! that's the thing ok linds i can see but since when is 2 ppl everyone? |
| (10:39 PM)ZayJROD: | all BF said was "he's not a her" |
| (10:39 PM)Mr. Squishy: | and that is correcting me. it was an accident! no one gets that. they all think im doing it on purpose. even you admitted that you dont think im trying |
| (10:40 PM)ZayJROD: | ok i can see we are going in circles. its just what i've noticed |
| (10:40 PM)ZayJROD: | i g2g. if u still want to talk msg/text my phone love u john |
-----------------------------By text-----------------------
John: fine, bye
John: tell me: do i just run off on you when you want to talk about something?
Me: no. you dont. and i didn't JUST run off. before we started the conversation i told u i had to go and offered to keep talking via my phone
John: your acting as though my feelings arent valid tho. "we keep going in circles" how is that supposed to make me feel?
Me: i didn't say it wasn't valif. when i said we were going in circles i meant that we arent seeing each others point of view and id rather talk about something happy
John: but if we arent seeing each others view then we should keep talking about it until we see the others point of view, not just avoid it 4ever
Me: well we r both using the same points over and over
John: then we keep trying, no one said it will be easy. nothing worthwhile ever is my love.
Me: is it worthwhile tho?
John: to see the others point of view and resolve hurt feelings? yes, its very worthwhile
Me: why are your feelings hurt?
John: cuz everyone is ganging up on me for a simple word! they still know who im talking about dont they?
Me: ok well im sorry they're doing that to you. you dont deserve to feel ganged up on
John: i realize that referring 2 u as a man is important, honest i do. but its just a word uv attached meaning to. it duznt change how much i love u
Me: nobody was questioning ur love. just the word you used
John: but its just a word, do u c wat i mean? it only means something if u make it mean something. its no reason 4 every1 to gang up on me
Me: ok fine. im not as philisophical as u. im sorry. pronouns and ames mean alot to me. im sorry ur feelings are hurt because of it
John: im not trying to hurt ur feelings zay, im really not. but i am aren't i?
Me: it doesn't matter. i hate feelings. eventually they wont exist
John: so i did then......im really sorry zay, i didn't mean to. im really really truly sorry
Me: dont be. tbh i like when they hurt
John: zay please don't talk like that. i truly am sorry, i really am. i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, i just feel ganged up on
Me: you rly dont have to be sry, what can i say, im a masochist. im rly ok. im sry you felt ganged up on. but i don't think ppl will stop currecting u tbh
John: well im almost 2 the point of going off on them. im referring to u as "him" & "he" WAY more often. im getting better at it rite? honesty plz
Me: yea u r but going off won't help anything
------------------------------------------Back Online --------------------------
| (11:24 PM) Mr. Squishy: | whyd you sign back on? |
|---|---|
| (11:24 PM) ZayJROD: | because i'm able to be on again. lol |
| (11:25 PM) Mr. Squishy: | that it? |
| (11:25 PM) ZayJROD: | huh? |
| (11:25 PM) Mr. Squishy: | just a coincidence that the second BF signs on, you sign on as well |
| (11:26 PM) ZayJROD: | quite a coincidence indeed |
| (11:26 PM) Mr. Squishy: | sure its nothing more than a coinidence? before you could barely stay on msn |
| (11:27 PM) ZayJROD: | could you stop please? |
| (11:27 PM) Mr. Squishy: | im just wondering, the least you could do is answer me |
| (11:27 PM) ZayJROD: | yes its just a coincidence |
| (11:28 PM) Mr. Squishy: | can i be honest with you? |
| (11:28 PM) ZayJROD: | sure |
| (11:29 PM) Mr. Squishy: | I feel as though you care about and want to talk more with BF than you do me. ever since you met him we have begun talking/texting EVEN LESS and then there is this coincidence |
| (11:29 PM) ZayJROD: | im sorry you feel that way |
| (11:29 PM) Mr. Squishy: | theres no truth to it? |
| (11:30 PM) ZayJROD: | no |
| (11:30 PM) Mr. Squishy: | im sorry im being mean/harsh. idk whats wrong with me i really am sorry for hurting your feelings zay |
| (11:31 PM) ZayJROD: | it's fine |
| (11:31 PM) Mr. Squishy: | no its not!! im not supposed to hurt your feelings! i love you, im supposed to take care of you |
| (11:33 PM) ZayJROD: | it's ok really |
| (11:34 PM) Mr. Squishy: | zay, it isnt. im so fucking sorry. why arent you angry with me? |
| (11:35 PM) ZayJROD: | honestly im too numb to do so and if i bring myself out of it, we won't be friends anymore. you've never seen me mad for a reason. i'm quite mean |
| (11:36 PM) Mr. Squishy: | thats crap. i promised id never leave you, so im not. EVER. go ahead and let it out |
| (11:37 PM) ZayJROD: | tbh i don't want to |
| (11:38 PM) Mr. Squishy: | you need to let it out. please just do it my love. i know you'll only be speaking in anger. i keep my promises. its ok, let it out |
| (11:39 PM) ZayJROD: | i rly don't want to. im ok. |
| (11:40 PM) Mr. Squishy: | what do i have to do to get you to let it out? |
| (11:40 PM) ZayJROD: | tberes no way. i don't want to |
| (11:42 PM) Mr. Squishy: | dont you trust me? |
| (11:42 PM) ZayJROD: | yea i do |
| (11:44 PM) Mr. Squishy: | im serious zay, im never leaving you. no matter what. your way too big a part of me |
| (11:44 PM) ZayJROD: | thanks im not worried about that |
| (11:45 PM) Mr. Squishy: | what are you worried about then? |
| (11:46 PM) ZayJROD: | i don't release anger well |
| (11:47 PM) Mr. Squishy: | its ok, you can let it out. if you do, then ill do something with you that you have always wanted me to |
| (11:48 PM) ZayJROD: | no i rly dont want to. if i suppress it im safe. if i let it out, i may do something stupid |
| (11:49 PM) Mr. Squishy: | *heavy, sad sigh* ok....im sorry |
| (11:49 PM) Mr. Squishy: | could you answer something for me though? |
| (11:49 PM) ZayJROD: | i guess |
| (11:50 PM) Mr. Squishy: | you said, if you let it out we wont be friends anymore. does that mean you are in fact angry with me about something? |
| (11:51 PM) ZayJROD: | what i mean is that i won't be around any longer for us to be friends |
| (11:51 PM) Mr. Squishy: | so your not angry with me? even if the anger is deep deep down inside you? |
| (11:52 PM) ZayJROD: | i dont want to think about it |
| (11:55 PM) Mr. Squishy: | do you think ive gotten better at referring to you as you wish? |
| (11:55 PM) ZayJROD: | can we not talk about that anymore? |
| (11:57 PM) Mr. Squishy: | this is the last time ill ask, i promise. its just important to me that you believe and know im trying to respect your wishes |
| (11:58 PM) ZayJROD: | yes |
| (11:58 PM) Mr. Squishy: | thanks zay, it means a lot that you believe me |
| (12:00 AM) Mr. Squishy: | do you really think im starting to over react with my emotions lately? |
| (12:01 AM) ZayJROD: | yes |
| (12:02 AM) Mr. Squishy: | hm....its certainly possible. i do swing from intense anger to crying hysterically often now.... |
| (12:05 AM) Mr. Squishy: | what do you think? |
| (12:05 AM) ZayJROD: | i think u should take ur meds |
| (12:06 AM) Mr. Squishy: | i keep forgetting though,im not doing it on purpose |
| (12:06 AM) ZayJROD: | i know |
| (12:09 AM) Mr. Squishy: | i think i should go |
| (12:09 AM) ZayJROD: | why |
| (12:10 AM) Mr. Squishy: | i feel awkward and you seem to be very....untalkative. at least to me anyways |
| (12:10 AM) ZayJROD: | im not talking to BF |
| (12:11 AM) ZayJROD: | im just tired |
| (12:18 AM) Mr. Squishy: | zay? Seriously. I'm so done with this issue, it's ridiculous. I can't even issue explanations, annecdotes, closing statements or questions, retorical or otherwise. I'm too aggravated. |
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