Dear mom and dad,
I know since I've come to college I've been a little distant. I want you to know that even with the dautning amounts of work that that isn't the whole reason. I've been running over how I was going to word this conversation for weeks now and I had to write it down in order for me to get my whole point across and make myself entirely clear.
As you know or have noticed, I've never been very femenine or girly. I was never the one for dresses and bows or long hair and boyfriends. All my life I've had trouble fitting in and making friends. In grade school, my depression from not being true to who I was hit dangerous levels. I feel that the one issue I never addressed was the one that was the underlying cause.
After years of trying to ignore what my brain was telling me and trying to be a girl and trying to play the part that was never meant for me, I've come to terms with what role I want and need in the future. I've never been comfortable with this body and never thought of myself as female. Some of my earliest memories are praying to God that I would grow up to be a boy. I've thought of a million different ways to do this and thought a hundred more times about whether this was the right thing for me to do.
This past year at school has been one of severe soul searching and trying to understand what the disconnection is between my body and my brain means. There have been many a night lying awake just asking "why" and although I have yet to find the answer, I realize that I may never find the answer. All I know is how to address the issue and move forward with my life.
This isn't some kind of self-mutilation or any kind of social statement, but rather the culmination of many a night spent using the resources I have here on campus and talking to alot of people within the LGBT community. It's been a lifelong issue for me that I've tried every point of view on, but I'm done just speculating, going through bouts of depression and sleepless nights over this. I'm done trying to ignore that there is something wrong or hide my feelings by being fake and acting like a girl.
I've come to recognize that my physical body does not match what my brain has thought for these past 19 years. I'm finally coming to terms with myself and how I want to deal with becoming who I know I am. As you know, coming out to you as a lesbian was something that wasn't easy for me. As much as it took me to take that leap, this one is so much more daunting.
This is the conclusion I've come to after years of ignoring the real issue: I realize now that I'm not a female psycologically but at this point, I'm not focused on what's gotten me to this point but more to where I want to go from here. Coming out the first time was a rough task and in a sense I'm doing it all over again but this time as being transgendered. I can no longer lie to myself. I am now identifying myself as male and wish to be referred to with such pronouns. I'm beginning to use the name Brian James, not only because the male form of Bridgette is Brian but I would really like to keep the initials I was born with.
I know this is hard for you to watch (your little girl become your young man), but know it hasn't been easy for me to come to terms with and even now it's a bit scary. This is why this summer, when I return home for summer break, I want to see a psychologist; one who can help me sort through these feelings and decide whether or not I should start hormone therapy. At this point in my life, I'm satisfied with just binding my chest. Although I'm not glad I have breasts, I dont want surgery. For each transgender, the degree of physical change needed is different and for me, I feel that hormones would give my brain and body what is so desperately longed for.
I don't want this to upset you, but I feel that I can no longer hide what my feelings are. I wish like hell that this wasn't the case, but I can no longer take any more dysphoria and need to take the necessary steps to correct it. The realization of this necessary change is one that brings a relief of finally coming to terms with who I am.
I know that you both love me dearly and that this is hard for you to hear, but keeping you involved and informed about my life is essential to me and I value you more than I can put into words. Even though I have other support systems in place, the both of you are my foundation and all I ask for is your continued support and love, and know that all I've ever wanted was to make you proud.
I know this is going to have a huge impact on our lives and I know the road isn't going to be easy. I just want you to see what I see in myself and realize how much more genuiune I'm being to myself about my gender. I'm still me, and I'm still your child. I know your worry for my safety and my future will be and are great. Yes, I've encountered obstacles, but i've come to realize the world is a much more accepting place than we tend to believe.
This letter was beyond difficult to write just because of the seriousness of its content. You've commented before on how courageous you thought I was and I only hope that you can realize that I could have never done anything without you, which is why I wanted to address this now. I feel that this is the best time suited for me to make this transition and allow me the opportunity to get on with the rest of my life.
This isn't something i can be talked out of. I can only hope that you would approach this in a way to gain a better understanding which is why I have emailed this to you now so that we can have a more productive conversation over spring break. i love you both dearly, and know that this letter comes from a place deep within that has been trying to see the light for the past 19 years.
With all my love,
Brian
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