So I want to start off by saying that my main identity is not "trans" though it seems to be the only thing I ever talk about. It's just that at this time in my life, it's weighing heavily on me every minute of every day. Why? I am in the process of starting hormones while my parents think that I have decided to "become a girl". And a slew of other things that make this more difficult that it is for some. I think it's hard because my parents disapprove (which is not a unique situation) but instead of disowning me, kicking me out, and cutting me off, they are pulling me closer to keep an eye on me and to get their influence back as parents (they are convinced that this could be none other than the devil's idea, that I've listened to people in Highschool and now college who have fostered and maintained the devil's whisper). So it's like I've lost my family but at the same time they won't give me a moment's peace. I find myself praying that they'll hate me (which is actually not a new thought) so I can transition and be happy with myself and get on with my life. Instead I'm in this limbo. I feel like Mrs. Doubtfire trying to go back and forth between being male and female. But that's not the point of my blog...though it does give the setting.
What this is about is the dream I had last night. It was an awesome dream. I don't remember how we got to this place but my mom was doing the same stuff she always does, introducing me deliberately as her daughter, letting even those who weren't even interested know that, yes, I have a vagina. I was upset and ended up wandering the halls by myself. I entered a room and this lady was in there. She saw I was upset and asked me what was bothering me. I actually told her (my clue that it had to be a dream as I am quite tight lipped most of the time). She was very educated on the subject and reacted with a mix between shocked at my parents reaction and refusal to understand, and concerned for my state. She told me to wait where I was. She returned in about 3 minutes with my mom. My mom saw me and of course was upset. The lady started explaining everything to her. Why it happens (which, in real life, no one knows for sure), what it feels like and why I felt the need to take steps to physically alter my appearance. As she was explaining, my mom put her arms around me. As my mom began to understand more and more, her embrace got tighter and tighter as she realized all the pain I was in and that some of it was her fault. I accepted her silent apology. She agreed to help me pay for hormones and surgery and to just be there for me in general as we ride home in our...moving truck? But yea...we got home, I stayed in the car to call my friend and tell him what happened and we were both flabbergasted. My dad came out and said something adorable and country like he always does, something like "Well I guess we got a lot of work to do, don't we?". Yea the hormones, yea the surgery, but the support and the healing process too.
Then I woke up.
Instead of that motivating me to start my day with a positive attitude, it completely destroyed me. I didn't want to get out of bed, not just for the usual reasons but because I wanted to stay in my dream world. I didn't want to go back to the way things are now. I shuffled to the bathroom to brush my teeth, threw on anything I could find and shuffled to class. The whole walk I was in my head, just paranoid. Who was looking at me? Were they wondering if I were a guy or a girl? Did I even pass anymore? Do I just look like a stud? Do they even see me at all? Berating myself the whole walk. About 15 minutes into my class I began to experience anxiety (or rather my anxiety I'd been feeling since I woke up worsened). It'd been a while since I'd had a panic attack so I didn't exactly know what was happening or how to deal with it. My brain wouldn't shut up! I was distracted thinking about how distracted and unfocused I was. I just wanted to get up and run anywhere, away from my parents, away from expectations, away from school, away from stress and away from my situation. At the same time I just wanted to melt into the chair and end up in heaven or at least 10 years from now.
I got back to my room and thank God my roommates weren't there. I had a 30 second argument with myself whether I should cry or just sleep and another 30 second argument about whether I should get up earlier and eat or sleep as long as possible. I chose to sleep and for as long as possible. I woke up and was able to make it through the next class (however boring) but still have been too distracted and depressed to do any homework since I got out at 3. I am seriously considering dropping out of school. I feel so numb that I don't know what I'm studying or why I'm studying it. I feel like I'm doing my best with mediocre results and this quarter is starting out very inauspiciously. I don't see it getting much better, the way things are going.
I promise I'm not one to drag others' mood down but I seem to be in a valley right now. Sorry if I depress you. I figure it's better to get it out and if my parent's ever decide to care about how I feel or decide to listen to me instead of blame it on the devil, it'll be there for them. Hope your day was loads better than mine. Off to dream another dream. No expectations
--Zay
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