It's times like now when I find myself wanting to somehow melt into the earth. Discouraged and confused. Re-thinking and re-thinking and re-thinking until I just want to turn my brain off. As my appointment with Dr. Maddie Deutsch, I get more and more depressed knowing how big of a decision this is, not just for me but for everyone. My parents don't support me. They say they love me but the things they say do all harm and no good. Things like "you're beautiful" hurt just as much as telling me I'll never be a full man, that they'll never see me as their son and that I can't be a Christian and trans at the same time. The majority of my friends are Christian and a good portion of them are PKs (pastor's kids). Some are understanding but I wonder how much they're not saying. I hear what they say about gay people and I'm hurt because I know that to many being trans is worse. It's been so engrained into our brains as Christians that I feel two things: 1. It's actually right and by doing this I'd be hurting more individuals than helping and maybe even lead some to hell or 2. It's wrong but because it's something so enforced, no one will listen to me. Either way I'm scared. I honestly don't want this job. I don't want to preach, fight, or argue. I just want to be me. I just want to be happy.
But I also know that God doesn't bless things he doesn't support. I see lots of LGBT people with God ordering their steps whether they realize it or not. I see them blessed with happiness and loving marraiges, success, children, great jobs and friends, and believe me, all of that can be hard to come by without someone watching out for you. At the same time I see a bunch of LGBT thirsty for something more, something spiritual. The church rejects them and so they either choose a different religion or create their own kind of church. They understand the love and "no coincidences" portion of Christianity but add in other things as well. Now I'm not saying that these are invalid because I believe that everything has power. I just think you have to be careful which powers you tap into. I'm not trying to convert anybody, I just want to show them that the members of the club may not like them but the club's founder has already accepted their application.
It also bothers me that LGBT people have to create their own versions when they shouldn't. The division within the Church is what makes it weak. It's hard to be a force of egotistical hypocrites and affect positive change. I've even met people who leave the church because of the hypocrisy regardless of their sexual orientation. People cut and paste the scriptures to put together the picture they want like a decoupage! But for some reason Christians are offended when members of the LGBT community use scripture to check those who slander them. They feel as though they are taking things out of context, picking and choosing to prove a point and perverting the scriptures. I realize that that's not the case. We are only pointing out the parts they have swept under the rug so that we can see the bible as a whole. I also realize that to "decoupage" and sweep certain things under the rug is to assume to know God's mind. Arrogance, hypocrisy, hatred.......we are so close but so far.
As much as I want to give this up, to just ignore my feelings about myself, my life and my "religion", I can't. Even as I hold back tears wondering about the future, my family and my salvation, I know that I could never be happy as I am. I am just as miserable presenting as female as I am in this limbo. The only difference is a glimmer of hope. I can see myself as a father, a husband, a coworker, a brother, a friend, just not a son. At least not now. When I picture myself in my male body, I can never picture it with my parents in the same frame. I only picture smiling with them, hugging them when I am about 25-30 (I can't tell cuz you know black don't crack =] ). Maybe that is part of it. God does say that the most effective way to change someone's point of view is to lead by example. It just sucks that I'll have so many people rooting for my demise.
I haven't told my brother yet. It is weighing heavily on my mind (as is everything else it seems). I want to tell him face to face but we are never alone together and I feel like electronic communication is too risky since he is in my parent's house. I feel like he'd take it well and maybe understand with a little time and a few links but I know that my parents will be a much more constant and persistent voice in his ear. It hurts me that he would end up a part of the same hypocritical majority.
I do have support though. My school is very LGBT friendly, I have friends here and from high school and former teachers (who feel more like family, I was in their offices so much). So I can't sit on my pity pot for too long. I have to fight the voices that tell me the blind are leading the blind and the learned notion that heathens and gays can't be trusted and have no sense. All of this learned internal hatred has got to go! I've got a lot of it from being black, being prep-school bred, and a member of the LGBT community. There's so much we can learn from other people, it's a shame we just are too busy or too closed minded to take advantage of the human resources we have right in front of us.
I realize I am jumping around a lot but I need to sleep and in order to do that I have to empty my brain as much as possible so bare with me just a little while more. Almost done. Promise
When I remember that Christianity is about the relationship instead of about the religion, I realize that God loves me too much to lead me astray.
Lastly I leave you with this article and this video from 3:38 (Excuse the profanity if any occurs). The two go hand in hand. Our world is in a lot of pain. He needs people willing to lower themselves into the trenches and get just as dirty. But each battle is an opportunity to move closer to God. If nothing else, I can tell you that for a fact! Jesus is officially my homie.
--Zay
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