I ask myself this question constantly. Am I confused? Is this a trick of my own imagination? Will I still go to heaven? Is this my own serpent in the garden? Sometime's when I've had a bad day or even just when this is weighing on me heavily, I find myself crying a tearless, silent cry, trying to focus on appearing as though nothing is wrong, subconsciously mouthing things like, "Please kill me. I don't want this. If you kill me, I'll be forever grateful. Please take these thoughts from me. Kill me, please kill me." Every additional worry or concern brings my breaking point closer.
I try to answer the question myself but what I know and what I'm told are contradictory:
Being Zay makes me the happiest I've ever been.
Sinful things make people happy.
There's nothing in the bible concerning this topic.
God doesn't separate homosexuality and transexualism.
But what about everything that God has shown and told me? That can't be coincidence.
Everything God says can be found in the Bible. He doesn't change. The devil knows the bible too.
God says a lot of stuff in the old testament that aren't considered valid today. Why is homosexuality treated differently? Didn't God say everything with equal authority?
NO! See? We've studied our bible more and we know things you don't know yet. You're too young. You think you know everything. You know a lot but you have a lot to learn.
God told me that I'm here to challenge people's limits of love. I'm an example that God has children of all types.
You're here to convert gay people to straight people and show them the error of their ways, not to join them.
This is who I am. I love God and for once I love myself.
You can't do this and serve God.
But...this is who I've always been. I just have a name for it, the same as any diagnosis.
I should have guarded your internet activity more. These aren't you're thoughts. The devil planted them and made you think they were yours. That's how he tricks us. You've been deceived. You just can't see it yet.
So now I'm afraid to be myself because I'm not myself, I'm afraid to pray because what God shows me is actually the devil and I'm afraid to think because I don't have my own thoughts. But here's the thing: I know what it's like to be in the dark and to have thoughts implanted that aren't my own. Where does the bible say that you have to be miserable, to fit inside some mold in order to praise God and in order for him to love you. Where does it say in the bible "Some things I've said are to be taken more seriously than others"? And who are we to assume and assert that we know what God thinks?!?! "Christian" means to attempt to be like Christ, not to be Christ. If we are following his example, we should LOVE over everything else because that's what God has given us unconditionally; His love. Christianity isn't about religion, it's about personal relationships with God. That being the case, if God wants someone to change, he'd tell them, wouldn't he? He would convict them. That's not our job. Our job is to show everyone else his unconditional love.
Perfect example. When asked what the most important commandments were Jesus said that we should have no god above God and to LOVE our neighbor. He doesn't say "Thou shalt not be gay". That didn't even make the top 10. So why is it #1 on the todo lists of 9 out of 10 people who call themselves Christian? Being trans isn't the worst thing to be, nor is transitioning the worst thing I could do with my life. It can only improve my quality of life as I begin to trust and love myself. I'm the only person I always have to live with. I believe that God put me here to tell those who have been ex-commuted by family and the church that God still loves them just as much and to tell the church that too.
I'm not just taking this and running with it. I still ask myself that first question but I'm starting to ask God instead of myself more often. I'm learning to trust that he will catch me if I fall, I'm learning to share my burdens with him, I'm learning to dance in the rain and see the blessing in the storm. I think of all the ignorance within the church and immediately feel overwhelmed. I ask him to PLEASE take this cup from me if at all possible. I pray that if I have this situation all wrong, he'll change my heart and mind to that of a typical female so I can live my life more peacefully (at least in this area). But as I pray those prayers and wait for his answer, he sends someone or something to let me know I'm right where he wants me to be. Today's someone: my friend Solomon, a fellow Christian transguy with the same vision as me. Todays something: Cammie's song - A blog written by the mom of a young MTF (male to female), also Christian. It let me know that I'm not the first, nor the only. The battle will be a tough one but "...Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." 2 Chronicles 20:15
--Zay
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