So just to be clear on what happened, my parents took my clothes, told me not to talk to certain people (and told certain people not to talk to me), etc. I posted pictures of my new haircut and apparently my mom got a lot of phone calls from a lot of nosy people so now I've been asked/guilted into not being able to use my facebook freely. I've been hanging out with my friends and I bought new pants and enrolled in an lgbt class. Next time the class meets it's "trans week" so I'm excited and I feel kinda guilty at the same time. I always feel guilty though. I feel like any time I want to do something or express myself, I make my mother upset and bring my family shame. It's tiring. And it's also concerning. Why does wanting to be my own person make me a bad person? I'm still boiling over some of the things that were said and am certainly tired of being the only person not allowed to do something. I don't want my mom to be upset but she gets upset no matter what. I look for advice on what to do but I feel like if someone agrees with me then their opinion is biased or they don't have enough information. If they disagree, I feel like I don't have to right to my thoughts and feelings. That's not just about trans stuff either but it's certainly included.
Specifically on the trans thing, on one hand I'm like "How could you do that to them? You'll ruin everything. People will talk about them. They will get so much shit from the family. The extended family will never want to talk to you. They'll keep your cousins away from you. Everyone who's watched you grow up will be disappointed and blame your parents for you being a freak".
On the other hand I think "You can't walk around being sad, missing out on life. Sure you could lose your family but you could wake up in the morning and not feel like crying when you looked in the mirror and not cringe every time someone referred to you as a female, people wouldn't look at you funny when you wore the clothes you want, and you have so much love for your future wife and kids. You know you wouldn't be happy as a mom. Either you'll kill yourself, die miserable, or decide you can't do it anymore and transition later after wasting time and involving more people".
Then on my 3rd hand I think "Eventually, if you work at it and cut yourself off from everything, you'll get used to it. It'll be like an arranged marriage; you'll fall in love eventually. Pray that God will change your heart".
And then my 4th hand is like "God made sure you ended up here at a place with pretty much the best trans resources and support you could ask for".
Then I consider not just the feelings but the actual Gender Identity Disorder. Wouldn't my parents let me take a medicine for any other condition? Should GID even count as a disorder? Am I taking advantage of the fact that it is? It's practically the same as cancer or AIDS. You have these symptoms that are maybe suspicious and make you a little sad. Then you find out it's a real problem and that other people are dealing with it. People have said that Mens Room is the blind leading the blind but don't other communities form groups for support? The breast cancer community, the AIDS community. They all need help with medical things, want to know the best prices and doctors and medicines, want to talk about coming out to family members and friends, the best way to conceal and blend into society, how to deal with the feelings that are a result of the whole experience, etc.
I don't think that God intended me to be separate from my family but I can't struggle with this forever with all these resources and friends and support. My parents want to do family counseling. My only hope is that we get a counselor who's willing to listen and help me explain why this is so important to me.
On the plus side, speaking of resources, today I spoke with someone from the office of residential life here and he was really nice. He gave me a lot of options and even told me he could get me into a new room this year if I needed to. He said I could call any time and that he was never inconvenienced.
I just need a lot of sleep. I wish God could just boom the answer at me so at least I could move in a certain direction.
Over n Out
-Zay a.k.a Stucky McStuck-Stuck
No comments:
Post a Comment