Doubtful

I seem to find myself on this cycle of unwaivering confidence down to confusion and hopelessness, covering everything in between. Right now, I'm in that crappy place at the bottom. I'm beginning to wish I were an orphan so I wouldn't have to "do this to my parents" when in reality I've done nothing to them. I'm tired of feeling like shit on both ends. If I try to live my life as a female, I know where that will lead and I'll probably ultimately end up killing myself for trying to hide such an essential part of me. This transgender identity seems more like a curse than a blessing. I've finally figured out why I was so depressed from a young age. Last April when I discovered that I was trans, I was delivered from a very dark place in my life and every time someone or something tells me that I can't be me or that it's intrinsically wrong to be myself, I return to that place of loneliness and disparity. I start listening to everything people have said that make me feel like shit. I try to make myself remember why I'm doing this in the first place but it just doesn't seem worth it, even though I know where the other path leads. I feel stuck in the middle of two God forsaken boulders and I don't know which way I should turn or if I even can turn.