Old Surroundings, New Goals

Hokay. So I'm back at home for the next three months. I am not even entertaining the fact that this will be a calm summer. While we were packing, my phone rang and it was the secretary from the ex-gay place saying I had an appointment today. My mom called back and was explaining how she and the counselor had emailed a few times but never came to a conclusion of when would be a good time for the next appointment. How about never since she said that the last appointment would be the last one. Yea, so that's day 1. Old physical surroundings and surrounded by old mentalities. But I do have a job this summer, and possibly but not probably summer school so I'm hoping to be able to be consumed in my work. It's only three months but at the same time it's three whole months. I've been praying to find strength and patience for the time I'm here and hopefully understanding and now that I'm home I understand that I need to be praying that much more.

I've also set a few goals for the summer related to my well-being (and found an app to track them). 1) Stretching every morning. 2) Praying at least once a day. I usually do this anyway but just to be sure. 3) Reading a devotion every morning. I don't know what I'm doing about church this summer because I don't enjoy the one my family goes to. So...we'll see. 4) Washing my face twice a day. 5) Working out at least 2-3 times a week at the gym and doing something at home every day. 6) Write every day. I don't know why but something has told me to make this a goal of mine. This is my first step in attempting that goal. I have issues with monotony so all these are going to be challenges but I'll need something to keep me grounded. 99 days til I go back to school. Trying to cherish them while still counting down.

Oh! Before I stop writing, I might have a gallbladder or kidney issue because my stomach swells to maybe like 6 month pregnant size. I'm definitely not pregnant. It's been happening for a while and I thought I was getting fat so I actually exercised one day last week...then I realized that none of the rest of me had gotten any bigger. I do want to bulk up and get toned so I'm gonna work out anyways. So...is that it? For now, I guess so. I have more to talk about but I don't want to ramble any more than I have so I'll talk to you guys later

--Zay

Reality and I Just Collided

It really just hit me that I'll be at home all summer in girls' clothes. I don't mind not being on T yet. I just want my parents to stop conspiring against me and trying to convert/brainwash me. It's so tiring defending them to others and to myself. I'm tired of having to be the only soldier in my army (for my personal battle). I'm starting to doubt the value of being in this family. The pros of living my own life greatly outweigh the cons. I think one of the suckiest parts is the secrecy. I'd rather they be honest. I'm tired of having to seem oblivious to their ploys in order to keep the peace. I feel like it's either peace or happiness at this point which is exactly where I was in the beginning before I came out. And I'm tired of crying. So tired. Tired of having to take naps to be ok enough to get my school work done. It's getting to the point where I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, not because I'm not perceived as Zay but because I'm afraid I'll just start crying out of nowhere or that my countenance will drop so low so suddenly that I'll bring other people down too. Wasn't the whole point of this so that I could begin to be happy?

I'm not a whiner, I just need a place to let things out. Sorry for the downer

--Zay

No Pretty Bow

*Warning: This will be a long one. I'll be recounting my journey since December in as much detail as I can, explaining my feelings along with the facts. You may want to do this in more than one sitting. Get some snacks and reading glasses.*

The title of this blog entry has two meanings of explanations. The first is that I don't really know how this will end, I only know that I need to write. The second has to do with something I read and if I can keep my focus, I'll talk about that too.

Ever since the second therapist's appointment I have had the feeling that my parents didn't love me. I'm not trying to play the whiny brat here. What I mean is that they love their daughter and cannot see me outside of that; they can't see me as my own person, only as a female extension of their own beings. I'm also not trying to sound boastful when I say that I can see them outside of being my mom and dad. I haven't always had it and I'm not sure when it developed. To me they are more than mom and dad; they are more than a role, more than caretakers. They are more than husband and wife, they are more than the H*********s. They each have their own issues, their own struggles, their own insecurities, successes and failures, aspirations and hopes, dreams and disappointments, and I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge all that in our interactions and in the way I see them handle certain situations. In fact, it's allowed me to get over or at least forgive them in situations where I felt I was treated harshly or unfairly.

When I first came out to them they stressed that we go through this journey together as a family, but 4 months came and went and nothing happened; no conversations, no therapy, no energy. I sent them another letter and this time, since they took no initiative to learn about what I'm going through on their own, I sent them a pamphlet from PFLAG, a book called The Transgender Child, and 2 CDs with my feelings in words. They again stressed that we go through this as a family and scheduled me an appointment for a therapist who "wanted to be a man for 30 years". This was implying that this person no longer wanted to be and that even if my wait was just as long, I too could overcome my desire to become a man. Firstly, I could tell right off the bat that this was a trap, that she wasn't trying to understand me. Instead, she was trying to change me. However my suspicions were temporarily put at ease when she said we'd be seeing a family therapist to help them learn how to be better parents to a transgender child and that I was able to choose a therapist for them to go to as well. Secondly, I resent the implication that I simply "want" to be a man. I certainly did not choose to be transgender, no one does. This person also turned out to be a family friend which made it even more awkward. She said she wasn't trying to change my mind, she just wanted me to be happy but she only presented facts and feelings opposing my decision.

Well 1 official and 1 unofficial meeting with the therapist, we started family therapy. The moment I saw who the person was, my countenance dropped. It wasn't another family friend but this person looked just like her so I figured it would be more of the same of what I'd already gone through. I was wrong; it was worse. This person was an ex-gay counselor who the first therapist recommended. I don't remember much of the 1st session but it wasn't good. Click here for the video I made about it. It wasn't family oriented at all. It was me-oriented. I emailed my mom and told her I didn't want to go back to that person and she said that since we were already scheduled for next week, we had to go but that after that we didn't have to go back. I asked her if she'd ask the counselor ahead of time to focus on our family rather than trying to convert me. I'd given her the info on my therapist of choice a couple of weeks before this point and I asked when we were scheduled to see her. She said she'd tell me later. That made me feel wary because when she was scheduling the ones she'd chosen, everything seemed to work out fine. We even came in on off-days, so the fact that it had taken so long to make contact with the one I chose seemed suspicious but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She said that the gender therapist costed $160 per visit because she didn't take our insurance. We aren't a particularly wealthy family so I understood. At the end of the first appointment, the ex-gay counselor gave my mom a video of Sy Rogers who was a gay man who decided that becoming a straight woman would be easier. But he prayed for an answer from God who shut down the facility he was going to get surgery from just a few days before his operation. God told him he didn't have to live that life anymore and now he is something like an ex-gay motivational speaker, married with a kid. Needless to say it confused me then and it confuses me now.

The second appointment ended up being 3 hours long. We brought my brother along but he was in a separate room doing homework. And to this day, June 1st, we still haven't included him in our "dirty little secret" ( I know they're holding it back from him in hopes that they can cure me and he'll never have to know. So much for going through it as a family). The appointment was a disaster. She introduced us to one of those kind of helpful, mostly frustrating ways of talking; "I feel _____ because...." We were focusing on our family. My mom was getting out some things that she needed to about her childhood but the counselor kept trying to play me out to be subtly abused, making routine childhood instances out to be the reason I "want to be a man" (I want to throw furniture whenever I hear that). For example, in elementary school, no one really wanted to play with me; throughout school, I had some teachers who didn't like me; she even through in the birth of my brother. Ok, lady. And my mom lapped that up and started adding in things of her own like my learning disability. Let me just state that I had some rough times during childhood just like everybody else but they did not, in whole or in part, make me transgender. She then decided to have us try the "I feel...because..." formula on how we felt about my being trans. I said I was anxious to start transition. My dad, in summary, said that I was betraying them because they had diapered me, nursed me to health, put me through school, and provided me with food and shelter, and now I was listening to "those people" (apparently every LGBT person I've ever met at either school or otherwise) instead of listening to them and my mom agreed. My mom said that I was stealing the daughter that God gave her ("I know God wouldn't give me a daughter and then take her away") and that since I love God so much, I would be disappointed when I found out that this isn't what he wanted for my life. Lots of assumptions all around. Whenever I said something, the counselor was my parents advocate. "Well it took you a year to understand, don't you think you owe your parents at least that much time?" and my personal (least) favorite "You have an awesome opportunity here to bring your family closer together. We're all here together because of you. Isn't that a blessing? But you're not going to become closer by going through with the sex-change surgery". Again, I want to throw furniture, preferably at her, but that wouldn't be the Christian thing to do...sure would feel good, though.

I would say that if you don't understand why that upsets me to try spending some time in transcyberspace, but I realize that it would be hard to find something concise. I am upset because she has pretty much blatantly stated that I would be doing my family a disservice by transitioning and that God's purpose for my being transgender was so that I could bring my mom to therapy to deal with her rough childhood. She also used the term "sex-change" which makes it sound dirty and gives a picture of transgender people as "transvestite" men (an antiquated term) who want to become more believable. She also boiled down everything trans people go through to bottom surgery. This also comes from the woman who refers to people as "one of my patient's son who had surgery to become a woman" or something to that effect every time. She chooses to stay ignorant and by presenting herself as an authoritative figure on the subject, encourages my parents to do the same. My mother's comments upset me because she is making herself the victim (as she does with nearly every situation). She is also belittling the relationship that I personally have with God and suggesting that hers is more mature, more real, more developed and she is audacious enough to suggest that God's will lines up with her own desire instead of seeking for it to be the other way around. My dad's response was frustrating because he suggested that I owed it to them not to transition. He also assumed that I was disregarding the 18 years we'd been a family. He also had convinced himself that since I hadn't been raised to be transgender, I must be getting this information from other people and completely ignored the fact that I tell them this is something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. It's also angering because I take extra care not to confide too much in anyone, LGBT or not, about my family and the things they say or do because the response is usually negative. I don't want to allow anyone to pit me against them even though I know they're wrong. If I had listened to what my friends were telling me, I would have claimed independent status, been living on my own right now, told my brother what they are desperately trying to keep a secret, come out to everyone, and started T (all which are completely understandable). None of that has happened...so sthu. I am here, trying to work it out, trying to explain, tolerating your pity party, and being EXTREMELY sensitive to your feelings (pausing my life) though you seem not to care about mine. So that's why I'm upset.

By the end of that appointment I'd realized 3 things: 1) Our definitions of "work through it as a family" were vastly different in that theirs means converting me using any and all tactics while trying to seem like they had no idea what they were doing while mine is more like "I explain my feelings and thought process, you ask questions and try to understand me, I try to understand you, you decide whether or not you will support me and we remain family or we remain cordial as I move forward with my life". Pardon me for thinking that that was your reasoning when you said you wanted to learn how to become better parents during this change in my life. 2) I realized that my parents didn't love me, they loved their daughter, they loved their normal family. They love their daughter so much that when they say "I love you", I have a hard time believing them because they don't realize that "daughter" is my label, not who I am. If all of a sudden I stepped out from behind a cardboard cutout of myself, they'd hug the cutout. 3) They played me. I had a feeling that they were only going through the motions and that they had already decided the outcome. This was confirmed when my mom said to the ex-gay counselor, "we are going to go to the other counselor (in reference to the gender therapist) but just because [I forgot what exactly her answer was but it was clear that she had no intention of getting anything out of it]".

After that day I can say that I've spent all but two nights crying myself to sleep (even before naps) for various reasons, replaying various scenes, praying for God to deliver me from this, apologizing for any sins I'd committed knowingly or unknowingly, praying for death, wondering why they didn't love me, cringing at the fact that I'm not the only person who will or who has had to see that lady. I thought back over all the fake sympathy, the evidence of a desire to maintain what they had over anything else, and especially their not-so-subtle, subtle attempts at guilting me into changing my mind or trying to persuade me to conform to their thinking like pulling out all the letters from my baby dedication (as if to say "Read these. You couldn't possibly be transgendered after that"), having forced bible study in which we go over all the verses that condemn homosexuality, or being extra nice or doing fun things that we normally wouldn't as if to say "see what you could have, see what you'd be messing, see what you're messing up?"

My aunt (who is really my mom's friend), emailed me saying that she had read the 2nd letter I wrote to my parents and wanted me to call her. When I did, it was a good conversation and she said that she wanted to meet up with me and have lunch. I agreed but after reflecting on how the very people who were supposed to love me unconditionally had been treating me, I was cautious to not get my hopes up. It went well though. As always I presented my parents in a "they mean well" light even though my feelings are much different. I liked that she asked me questions about school and friends because she was genuinely interested, not to avoid talking about the elephant in the room or to dig up dirt. The lunch was good, it felt nice to be seen as a person and not a homewrecker/life-ruiner.

When I was at home this past weekend, my mom gave me this diary that she wrote to me from a day or two after my birth up until I was 1.5-2 and said "Read this, maybe it will reveal some things" with a smile. Another attempt at trying to convert me. I read the whole thing because it was interesting reading about me and my family in a time I can't recall for myself. I'm sure that the point of it was for me to read about how much they prayed for a girl, how much we'd been through together, and what they'd done for me. Now we reach the 2nd meaning of the title of this blog. My parents organized a huge, very ceremonial baby dedication for me that my mom always references and in the diary it was described in detail, including the fact that she put a bow on me. She also dressed me in a lot of pink. So yea...I wasn't a kid who cried and kicked when I was put in pink or dresses but I clearly remembered not liking it. Maybe not that day, but I remember. So the guilt trip didn't work, but I understood the "God wouldn't give me a daughter and then take her away" a little better. I've always known she wanted a daughter, though. It was apparent in her displeasure anytime I gravitated toward anything masculine.

So I was at a very low point and just like before, I prayed that I wanted to do God's will. I had the same outcome; Peace. And this time, an email I got and my random daily devotions lined up to reassure me that I'm doing the right thing and to keep trusting God. I'm nearing the end of this play-by-play.

I decided to read the letters of another Christian trans guy to his mother and it was interesting to see another family in the same situation. The parts he chose to share almost mirrored my experience but there was no pretty bow on his either. The last letter he made public was his mom saying that she had a lot to think about regarding all he had shared with her regarding his passion for God leading him to be passionate about the LGBT community and about the shortcomings of the church and of course about the future of her child. It helped to hear all this but my prayer helped the most and the response I got helped the most.

Now we're at the present. I actually started this blog yesterday or the day before and it's taken me a full two days or more to write out my thoughts, observations, and emotions. And the emotions I've felt while writing this have run the gamut including hopelessness, infuriation, and empowerment. At times I didn't want to even continue writing and during the times when my feelings were negative, I wondered if writing all of this out was counterproductive, but I'm glad I did it. Now to finish up, here is what I'm feeling at this point.

At times I feel dirty, almost like an untouchable, because regardless of whose "side" I'm choosing, I feel lonely. The people I'm supposed to remain closest to have proved the least trustworthy and still, I feel bad for asking people to call me Zay or He or hanging with the people who do or even who know because I feel like I am betraying them. Last weekend I also got a job in my hometown which means that, while I was still going back and forth on whether to live at home or not, now my decision has been made for me; I'm stuck at home for the duration of the summer. I also feel out of control of my life. My mom has almost complete control and I don't feel it's something I can ease out of. It extends from who I can talk to, who I can be friends with, who I can visit, what I wear, how I wear my hair, and anything else. I feel the only way to escape is to move hard and fast in the other direction but my mom will play the victim as always, dragging everyone to her side including my dad and all of her friends and relatives. She says that she didn't see it (my being transgender) coming and people have consoled her saying that people often overcompensate to hide it from their loved-ones or from themselves. With me, that is not the case. She has such a controlling personality that she did not allow me to express myself. I only learned how to do my hair at 13, my brother is now 14 and still doesn't really get to pick out his clothes and even though I had to wear a uniform to school, she still made sure to give her unrequested input on how masculine my clothing was. She even tried paying me to wear skirts more often. She wouldn't let me even walk into the boys section to buy clothes. It's not that I didn't want to have or wear boys things, I was just tired of fighting because arguing made me feel crappy and if she did relent, she pouted which made me feel like a jerk. So I let her have her way. See the irony? And with my job, I know she would pull the same things so I've already let go of the idea of wearing dockers to work and picked out the least frilly flats from payless and the least hip-hugging women's dress pants.... *sigh* 

Over n Out

--Zay

Timing Is Everything (especially God's timing)

So just after I posted my last blog about peace, the peace feeling left. Actually it was while I was writing it but I decided to post it anyway because what I experienced was still true. Last night was a rough night. It wasn't because of anyone else, my brain just wouldn't stop thinking and analyzing and replaying and none of it was positive. I woke up feeling pretty crappy. I skipped the class I never skip and set my alarm for an hour so I could go to my next class. During that hour I had a headache, kept tossing back and forth and my shoulders kept popping out of place (strange, yes. frustrating, extremely). I couldn't get to sleep, I couldn't even nod off. I was in so much pain and discomfort physically and emotionally not only in that hour but in general that I was basically planning how to say goodbye to everyone. I finally found a position that didn't make my shoulders crack or my headache worse and 5 minutes later the alarm went off. I wanted to go back to sleep but I made myself go to class so I wouldn't fail my final next week. After class I typically go to my room but I decided to go to lunch early. My mood lifted when I passed by the dessert display and noticed my two favorites: Blue jello (which they haven't had all YEAR) and blondies (which they only have every few weeks). I gave God a thumbs up but was still sad that I was eating alone. After I was done eating I was ready to go mope some more and try to go back to sleep (which I fully plan to do after I finish this blog). I decided to check my email just before and I saw something suspicious in my mailbox. I was going to delete it but I decided to take a chance. This is what it was:

too scared to say has sent you a message using your contact form at: http://www.wix.com/nhcomfort/ZayBeMe/page 8

Senders email: trillion_thoughts@hotmail.com

Gender...Jesus was 100% human and 100% divine. God is not bounded by gender... I wonder, if God was on earth, is there the possibility that God could be genderless. God is almighty. That would be no big task. Jesus could have been born a trans. Gender is a social construction. Some cultures have 3 genders or more....sorry i'm rambling.

As for your mother, things must be very hard for her too. She always had it in her head that she had a daughter and probably imagined, while you were still in her womb, how you would grow up to be. At this point she is in major denial. Hopefully one day she can understand. It is unrealistic to think your parents will be ok right off the bat with you being different than their image of you. Eventually God will help them understand. Patience is a virtue. I'm sorry that they are not being supportive at this stage of your life. The whole thing is new, to them at least. I imagine your mother throws the bible at you out of desperation and not knowing what else to do, more than anything else. Each person will try to use the bible to their advantage and out of context. The bible is filled with amazing stories full of truth. At times we focus on the wrong meaning of truth. We focus on the literal meanings instead of the messages that God tries to get across. We get caught up in our own interpretations of things and we skip over the important lessons. It is not fair to use the bible to make others feel badly about themselves (including all other negative feelings). There is something inherently wrong about using the bible as a weapon in such a way. Sometimes when people do not know much about something they freak out... God makes no mistakes. You are going to help so many other people who have been marginalized by society and Christians. You remind Christians that everybody can be led to Christ; God invites them to, and no human can revoke an invitation from God. Like Frodo from Lord of the Rings (sorry if you haven't seen that movie), it wont be an easy task, but you were chosen for a reason. Frodo is my favorite chracter because although he is the smallest one out of the whole group and he is also the most scared, he musters up the courage to do what he was chosen to do. As you have mentioned, people have said that God gave you the parents you have for a reason. True. What if you were chosen as their son to help them understand what unconditional love is? Christianity is central to them and they are surrounded by several Christians who think the same way they do. By helping them understand unconditional love, you are inviting other Christians to understand. You are challenging what they believe to be dogmas and that ain't easy.

You were not born fully male or fully female. We come in all different shapes and sizes, it is really a great thing. How wonderful that our God Almighty can create such wonderful beings, all so different. You are wonderful. It is too bad that our brothers and sisters treat each other, including you, in such nasty ways....

You are a light and will teach people many things. You already do. Like a lighthouse, you will guide many people from rocky waters onto stable land. Although you yourself might feel unstable at times, just remember God is your anchor. Along your journey God will bless you with more anchors, friends you can count on to help you. You are not alone. I pray that one day your family will become one of your strongest anchors.

All the best,
An unexpected someone/ "acquaintance" who cares for you more than you know...

PS Have a blessed day.

So yea...unexpected someone. You rock. Thanks for caring. I hope you end up reading this so you know how much it meant to me.

Over n Out
--Zay

Peace

After a couple weeks of being constantly angry and crying every time my head hit a pillow, I decided to pray the same prayer I did a little over a year ago. The result? The same wave of peace. I don't feel the guilt I felt just a couple of days ago of ruining my family, of sending people off in the wrong direction. God reveals new things and refreshes the old things. Though my parents are currently extremely unsupportive and have skipped the "what did I do" to go straight to "you're ruining the family", I'm more optimistic than I was before. That doesn't mean I've forgotten what they said or that what they said was ok. I just have faith that one day, the words will be different.

A lot of people have told me that before I start hormones I should be going through a significant amount of therapy, as in a year or more. But who is a better counselor than God? When you start therapy you have a significant part of the process which is dedicated to getting to know you and your background as a patient but God is the one who created us and is omniscient. Who better knows how the human brain works than the one who gave it its function? That's what I think about that.

I had something else today but the A.D.D. I may or may not have is in full force and my brain is in a million places at once and so are my fingers. I'll update if I remember. Oh! I remembered.

Testosterone is very important to me. VERY important. But I think that I would feel better about not having it if even just my family and those close to me could see me as male. I think if they realize that I am a person outside of being a name that they gave me or outside of being their daughter, it'll be easier. We are not our bodies or the labels we've been assigned, even the ones we've chosen. We are souls. The bodies allow us to interact with one another.

That was jumbled but I hope you got the gist.

Over n Out
--Zay

Caught in the Middle

I feel like I have no place to rest my head and I'm wondering if this is a common feeling or if it's reserved for a select few. I feel as though I don't belong anywhere and I think that is part of the reason I get so lonely all the time. It doesn't matter if I'm with my best friend or a group of people. I always feel alone. Yet I prefer being physically alone. I'm not sure if it's out of habit or because I don't have to pretend to be present when I'm always inside my head. I don't feel at home here at school or in the house I grew up in, with my family or with anyone else's, being christian or someone who thinks gay people are more than their label or someone who is pro-choice or thinks that common sense should be used more often than the old testament to create rules. Just when I make friends, I realize that I will still be alone. I don't like partying, drinking or smoking or being around it so middle school, high school, and now have all been pretty lonely in that regard. I just feel like whenever I find a place I think I can rest my head, someone rips the pillow from beneath me. It's lonely being in the middle. Everyone's for you and everyone's against you. Sometimes I feel like even God is...or even myself.

Why Am I Here?

I've been pondering that question a lot lately. Why am I here when I feel there is nothing for me here? To have fun? I'm not really having any to be honest. It's probably partially my fault but regardless, I'm still pretty funless. I think it's because my idea of fun is different and so when all my friends are out having their kind of fun, I'm stuck alone.

To love? I know I'm only 18 but really what I want most is to be the sweet, caring husband and the cool dad. But finding someone I'm attracted to, who's attracted to me, wants to adopt, doesn't mind that I lack a penis and doesn't want to have sex is pretty hard to find. I also need someone who realizes that the world doesn't revolve around them and doesn't fish for compliments or thrive on arguments. Let me tell you, nobody is looking my way and I have a feeling the woman I'm looking for is 40.

Why should I go to school? To accumulate my first 3 years salary in debt? To learn things of little to no relevance to my life as it is now or how it will be? To say I went? To get a job where I where a suit instead of a uniform? Speaking of work...

Why should I agree to spend my life working? What benefit is it to me to bend over backwards for someone else, someone who doesn't appreciate who I am or what I do? Why should I agree to spend my life being a small cog in a machine? For comfort? My parents work hard and we still can't afford a vacation. For food? I don't believe people should have to work for basics. Anyway, if I don't eat, I won't have to ponder these questions anymore.

And why do I have to be a combination of the things everybody hates: black, american, lgbt affiliated, christian, liberal...

I think the worst part of this is that I didn't ask to be here. If I had, it'd be a different story. But I'm here as I am and caught in the middle of seemingly every crossfire. What can one do when even sleep becomes unappealing?

--Zay

PS sorry for the downer.