So I want to start off by saying that my main identity is not "trans" though it seems to be the only thing I ever talk about. It's just that at this time in my life, it's weighing heavily on me every minute of every day. Why? I am in the process of starting hormones while my parents think that I have decided to "become a girl". And a slew of other things that make this more difficult that it is for some. I think it's hard because my parents disapprove (which is not a unique situation) but instead of disowning me, kicking me out, and cutting me off, they are pulling me closer to keep an eye on me and to get their influence back as parents (they are convinced that this could be none other than the devil's idea, that I've listened to people in Highschool and now college who have fostered and maintained the devil's whisper). So it's like I've lost my family but at the same time they won't give me a moment's peace. I find myself praying that they'll hate me (which is actually not a new thought) so I can transition and be happy with myself and get on with my life. Instead I'm in this limbo. I feel like Mrs. Doubtfire trying to go back and forth between being male and female. But that's not the point of my blog...though it does give the setting.
What this is about is the dream I had last night. It was an awesome dream. I don't remember how we got to this place but my mom was doing the same stuff she always does, introducing me deliberately as her daughter, letting even those who weren't even interested know that, yes, I have a vagina. I was upset and ended up wandering the halls by myself. I entered a room and this lady was in there. She saw I was upset and asked me what was bothering me. I actually told her (my clue that it had to be a dream as I am quite tight lipped most of the time). She was very educated on the subject and reacted with a mix between shocked at my parents reaction and refusal to understand, and concerned for my state. She told me to wait where I was. She returned in about 3 minutes with my mom. My mom saw me and of course was upset. The lady started explaining everything to her. Why it happens (which, in real life, no one knows for sure), what it feels like and why I felt the need to take steps to physically alter my appearance. As she was explaining, my mom put her arms around me. As my mom began to understand more and more, her embrace got tighter and tighter as she realized all the pain I was in and that some of it was her fault. I accepted her silent apology. She agreed to help me pay for hormones and surgery and to just be there for me in general as we ride home in our...moving truck? But yea...we got home, I stayed in the car to call my friend and tell him what happened and we were both flabbergasted. My dad came out and said something adorable and country like he always does, something like "Well I guess we got a lot of work to do, don't we?". Yea the hormones, yea the surgery, but the support and the healing process too.
Then I woke up.
Instead of that motivating me to start my day with a positive attitude, it completely destroyed me. I didn't want to get out of bed, not just for the usual reasons but because I wanted to stay in my dream world. I didn't want to go back to the way things are now. I shuffled to the bathroom to brush my teeth, threw on anything I could find and shuffled to class. The whole walk I was in my head, just paranoid. Who was looking at me? Were they wondering if I were a guy or a girl? Did I even pass anymore? Do I just look like a stud? Do they even see me at all? Berating myself the whole walk. About 15 minutes into my class I began to experience anxiety (or rather my anxiety I'd been feeling since I woke up worsened). It'd been a while since I'd had a panic attack so I didn't exactly know what was happening or how to deal with it. My brain wouldn't shut up! I was distracted thinking about how distracted and unfocused I was. I just wanted to get up and run anywhere, away from my parents, away from expectations, away from school, away from stress and away from my situation. At the same time I just wanted to melt into the chair and end up in heaven or at least 10 years from now.
I got back to my room and thank God my roommates weren't there. I had a 30 second argument with myself whether I should cry or just sleep and another 30 second argument about whether I should get up earlier and eat or sleep as long as possible. I chose to sleep and for as long as possible. I woke up and was able to make it through the next class (however boring) but still have been too distracted and depressed to do any homework since I got out at 3. I am seriously considering dropping out of school. I feel so numb that I don't know what I'm studying or why I'm studying it. I feel like I'm doing my best with mediocre results and this quarter is starting out very inauspiciously. I don't see it getting much better, the way things are going.
I promise I'm not one to drag others' mood down but I seem to be in a valley right now. Sorry if I depress you. I figure it's better to get it out and if my parent's ever decide to care about how I feel or decide to listen to me instead of blame it on the devil, it'll be there for them. Hope your day was loads better than mine. Off to dream another dream. No expectations
--Zay
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Low Point of the Day
It's times like now when I find myself wanting to somehow melt into the earth. Discouraged and confused. Re-thinking and re-thinking and re-thinking until I just want to turn my brain off. As my appointment with Dr. Maddie Deutsch, I get more and more depressed knowing how big of a decision this is, not just for me but for everyone. My parents don't support me. They say they love me but the things they say do all harm and no good. Things like "you're beautiful" hurt just as much as telling me I'll never be a full man, that they'll never see me as their son and that I can't be a Christian and trans at the same time. The majority of my friends are Christian and a good portion of them are PKs (pastor's kids). Some are understanding but I wonder how much they're not saying. I hear what they say about gay people and I'm hurt because I know that to many being trans is worse. It's been so engrained into our brains as Christians that I feel two things: 1. It's actually right and by doing this I'd be hurting more individuals than helping and maybe even lead some to hell or 2. It's wrong but because it's something so enforced, no one will listen to me. Either way I'm scared. I honestly don't want this job. I don't want to preach, fight, or argue. I just want to be me. I just want to be happy.
But I also know that God doesn't bless things he doesn't support. I see lots of LGBT people with God ordering their steps whether they realize it or not. I see them blessed with happiness and loving marraiges, success, children, great jobs and friends, and believe me, all of that can be hard to come by without someone watching out for you. At the same time I see a bunch of LGBT thirsty for something more, something spiritual. The church rejects them and so they either choose a different religion or create their own kind of church. They understand the love and "no coincidences" portion of Christianity but add in other things as well. Now I'm not saying that these are invalid because I believe that everything has power. I just think you have to be careful which powers you tap into. I'm not trying to convert anybody, I just want to show them that the members of the club may not like them but the club's founder has already accepted their application.
It also bothers me that LGBT people have to create their own versions when they shouldn't. The division within the Church is what makes it weak. It's hard to be a force of egotistical hypocrites and affect positive change. I've even met people who leave the church because of the hypocrisy regardless of their sexual orientation. People cut and paste the scriptures to put together the picture they want like a decoupage! But for some reason Christians are offended when members of the LGBT community use scripture to check those who slander them. They feel as though they are taking things out of context, picking and choosing to prove a point and perverting the scriptures. I realize that that's not the case. We are only pointing out the parts they have swept under the rug so that we can see the bible as a whole. I also realize that to "decoupage" and sweep certain things under the rug is to assume to know God's mind. Arrogance, hypocrisy, hatred.......we are so close but so far.
As much as I want to give this up, to just ignore my feelings about myself, my life and my "religion", I can't. Even as I hold back tears wondering about the future, my family and my salvation, I know that I could never be happy as I am. I am just as miserable presenting as female as I am in this limbo. The only difference is a glimmer of hope. I can see myself as a father, a husband, a coworker, a brother, a friend, just not a son. At least not now. When I picture myself in my male body, I can never picture it with my parents in the same frame. I only picture smiling with them, hugging them when I am about 25-30 (I can't tell cuz you know black don't crack =] ). Maybe that is part of it. God does say that the most effective way to change someone's point of view is to lead by example. It just sucks that I'll have so many people rooting for my demise.
I haven't told my brother yet. It is weighing heavily on my mind (as is everything else it seems). I want to tell him face to face but we are never alone together and I feel like electronic communication is too risky since he is in my parent's house. I feel like he'd take it well and maybe understand with a little time and a few links but I know that my parents will be a much more constant and persistent voice in his ear. It hurts me that he would end up a part of the same hypocritical majority.
I do have support though. My school is very LGBT friendly, I have friends here and from high school and former teachers (who feel more like family, I was in their offices so much). So I can't sit on my pity pot for too long. I have to fight the voices that tell me the blind are leading the blind and the learned notion that heathens and gays can't be trusted and have no sense. All of this learned internal hatred has got to go! I've got a lot of it from being black, being prep-school bred, and a member of the LGBT community. There's so much we can learn from other people, it's a shame we just are too busy or too closed minded to take advantage of the human resources we have right in front of us.
I realize I am jumping around a lot but I need to sleep and in order to do that I have to empty my brain as much as possible so bare with me just a little while more. Almost done. Promise
When I remember that Christianity is about the relationship instead of about the religion, I realize that God loves me too much to lead me astray.
Lastly I leave you with this article and this video from 3:38 (Excuse the profanity if any occurs). The two go hand in hand. Our world is in a lot of pain. He needs people willing to lower themselves into the trenches and get just as dirty. But each battle is an opportunity to move closer to God. If nothing else, I can tell you that for a fact! Jesus is officially my homie.
--Zay
But I also know that God doesn't bless things he doesn't support. I see lots of LGBT people with God ordering their steps whether they realize it or not. I see them blessed with happiness and loving marraiges, success, children, great jobs and friends, and believe me, all of that can be hard to come by without someone watching out for you. At the same time I see a bunch of LGBT thirsty for something more, something spiritual. The church rejects them and so they either choose a different religion or create their own kind of church. They understand the love and "no coincidences" portion of Christianity but add in other things as well. Now I'm not saying that these are invalid because I believe that everything has power. I just think you have to be careful which powers you tap into. I'm not trying to convert anybody, I just want to show them that the members of the club may not like them but the club's founder has already accepted their application.
It also bothers me that LGBT people have to create their own versions when they shouldn't. The division within the Church is what makes it weak. It's hard to be a force of egotistical hypocrites and affect positive change. I've even met people who leave the church because of the hypocrisy regardless of their sexual orientation. People cut and paste the scriptures to put together the picture they want like a decoupage! But for some reason Christians are offended when members of the LGBT community use scripture to check those who slander them. They feel as though they are taking things out of context, picking and choosing to prove a point and perverting the scriptures. I realize that that's not the case. We are only pointing out the parts they have swept under the rug so that we can see the bible as a whole. I also realize that to "decoupage" and sweep certain things under the rug is to assume to know God's mind. Arrogance, hypocrisy, hatred.......we are so close but so far.
As much as I want to give this up, to just ignore my feelings about myself, my life and my "religion", I can't. Even as I hold back tears wondering about the future, my family and my salvation, I know that I could never be happy as I am. I am just as miserable presenting as female as I am in this limbo. The only difference is a glimmer of hope. I can see myself as a father, a husband, a coworker, a brother, a friend, just not a son. At least not now. When I picture myself in my male body, I can never picture it with my parents in the same frame. I only picture smiling with them, hugging them when I am about 25-30 (I can't tell cuz you know black don't crack =] ). Maybe that is part of it. God does say that the most effective way to change someone's point of view is to lead by example. It just sucks that I'll have so many people rooting for my demise.
I haven't told my brother yet. It is weighing heavily on my mind (as is everything else it seems). I want to tell him face to face but we are never alone together and I feel like electronic communication is too risky since he is in my parent's house. I feel like he'd take it well and maybe understand with a little time and a few links but I know that my parents will be a much more constant and persistent voice in his ear. It hurts me that he would end up a part of the same hypocritical majority.
I do have support though. My school is very LGBT friendly, I have friends here and from high school and former teachers (who feel more like family, I was in their offices so much). So I can't sit on my pity pot for too long. I have to fight the voices that tell me the blind are leading the blind and the learned notion that heathens and gays can't be trusted and have no sense. All of this learned internal hatred has got to go! I've got a lot of it from being black, being prep-school bred, and a member of the LGBT community. There's so much we can learn from other people, it's a shame we just are too busy or too closed minded to take advantage of the human resources we have right in front of us.
I realize I am jumping around a lot but I need to sleep and in order to do that I have to empty my brain as much as possible so bare with me just a little while more. Almost done. Promise
When I remember that Christianity is about the relationship instead of about the religion, I realize that God loves me too much to lead me astray.
Lastly I leave you with this article and this video from 3:38 (Excuse the profanity if any occurs). The two go hand in hand. Our world is in a lot of pain. He needs people willing to lower themselves into the trenches and get just as dirty. But each battle is an opportunity to move closer to God. If nothing else, I can tell you that for a fact! Jesus is officially my homie.
--Zay
Is This Right or Wrong?
I ask myself this question constantly. Am I confused? Is this a trick of my own imagination? Will I still go to heaven? Is this my own serpent in the garden? Sometime's when I've had a bad day or even just when this is weighing on me heavily, I find myself crying a tearless, silent cry, trying to focus on appearing as though nothing is wrong, subconsciously mouthing things like, "Please kill me. I don't want this. If you kill me, I'll be forever grateful. Please take these thoughts from me. Kill me, please kill me." Every additional worry or concern brings my breaking point closer.
I try to answer the question myself but what I know and what I'm told are contradictory:
Being Zay makes me the happiest I've ever been.
Sinful things make people happy.
There's nothing in the bible concerning this topic.
God doesn't separate homosexuality and transexualism.
But what about everything that God has shown and told me? That can't be coincidence.
Everything God says can be found in the Bible. He doesn't change. The devil knows the bible too.
God says a lot of stuff in the old testament that aren't considered valid today. Why is homosexuality treated differently? Didn't God say everything with equal authority?
NO! See? We've studied our bible more and we know things you don't know yet. You're too young. You think you know everything. You know a lot but you have a lot to learn.
God told me that I'm here to challenge people's limits of love. I'm an example that God has children of all types.
You're here to convert gay people to straight people and show them the error of their ways, not to join them.
This is who I am. I love God and for once I love myself.
You can't do this and serve God.
But...this is who I've always been. I just have a name for it, the same as any diagnosis.
I should have guarded your internet activity more. These aren't you're thoughts. The devil planted them and made you think they were yours. That's how he tricks us. You've been deceived. You just can't see it yet.
So now I'm afraid to be myself because I'm not myself, I'm afraid to pray because what God shows me is actually the devil and I'm afraid to think because I don't have my own thoughts. But here's the thing: I know what it's like to be in the dark and to have thoughts implanted that aren't my own. Where does the bible say that you have to be miserable, to fit inside some mold in order to praise God and in order for him to love you. Where does it say in the bible "Some things I've said are to be taken more seriously than others"? And who are we to assume and assert that we know what God thinks?!?! "Christian" means to attempt to be like Christ, not to be Christ. If we are following his example, we should LOVE over everything else because that's what God has given us unconditionally; His love. Christianity isn't about religion, it's about personal relationships with God. That being the case, if God wants someone to change, he'd tell them, wouldn't he? He would convict them. That's not our job. Our job is to show everyone else his unconditional love.
Perfect example. When asked what the most important commandments were Jesus said that we should have no god above God and to LOVE our neighbor. He doesn't say "Thou shalt not be gay". That didn't even make the top 10. So why is it #1 on the todo lists of 9 out of 10 people who call themselves Christian? Being trans isn't the worst thing to be, nor is transitioning the worst thing I could do with my life. It can only improve my quality of life as I begin to trust and love myself. I'm the only person I always have to live with. I believe that God put me here to tell those who have been ex-commuted by family and the church that God still loves them just as much and to tell the church that too.
I'm not just taking this and running with it. I still ask myself that first question but I'm starting to ask God instead of myself more often. I'm learning to trust that he will catch me if I fall, I'm learning to share my burdens with him, I'm learning to dance in the rain and see the blessing in the storm. I think of all the ignorance within the church and immediately feel overwhelmed. I ask him to PLEASE take this cup from me if at all possible. I pray that if I have this situation all wrong, he'll change my heart and mind to that of a typical female so I can live my life more peacefully (at least in this area). But as I pray those prayers and wait for his answer, he sends someone or something to let me know I'm right where he wants me to be. Today's someone: my friend Solomon, a fellow Christian transguy with the same vision as me. Todays something: Cammie's song - A blog written by the mom of a young MTF (male to female), also Christian. It let me know that I'm not the first, nor the only. The battle will be a tough one but "...Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." 2 Chronicles 20:15
--Zay
I try to answer the question myself but what I know and what I'm told are contradictory:
Being Zay makes me the happiest I've ever been.
Sinful things make people happy.
There's nothing in the bible concerning this topic.
God doesn't separate homosexuality and transexualism.
But what about everything that God has shown and told me? That can't be coincidence.
Everything God says can be found in the Bible. He doesn't change. The devil knows the bible too.
God says a lot of stuff in the old testament that aren't considered valid today. Why is homosexuality treated differently? Didn't God say everything with equal authority?
NO! See? We've studied our bible more and we know things you don't know yet. You're too young. You think you know everything. You know a lot but you have a lot to learn.
God told me that I'm here to challenge people's limits of love. I'm an example that God has children of all types.
You're here to convert gay people to straight people and show them the error of their ways, not to join them.
This is who I am. I love God and for once I love myself.
You can't do this and serve God.
But...this is who I've always been. I just have a name for it, the same as any diagnosis.
I should have guarded your internet activity more. These aren't you're thoughts. The devil planted them and made you think they were yours. That's how he tricks us. You've been deceived. You just can't see it yet.
So now I'm afraid to be myself because I'm not myself, I'm afraid to pray because what God shows me is actually the devil and I'm afraid to think because I don't have my own thoughts. But here's the thing: I know what it's like to be in the dark and to have thoughts implanted that aren't my own. Where does the bible say that you have to be miserable, to fit inside some mold in order to praise God and in order for him to love you. Where does it say in the bible "Some things I've said are to be taken more seriously than others"? And who are we to assume and assert that we know what God thinks?!?! "Christian" means to attempt to be like Christ, not to be Christ. If we are following his example, we should LOVE over everything else because that's what God has given us unconditionally; His love. Christianity isn't about religion, it's about personal relationships with God. That being the case, if God wants someone to change, he'd tell them, wouldn't he? He would convict them. That's not our job. Our job is to show everyone else his unconditional love.
Perfect example. When asked what the most important commandments were Jesus said that we should have no god above God and to LOVE our neighbor. He doesn't say "Thou shalt not be gay". That didn't even make the top 10. So why is it #1 on the todo lists of 9 out of 10 people who call themselves Christian? Being trans isn't the worst thing to be, nor is transitioning the worst thing I could do with my life. It can only improve my quality of life as I begin to trust and love myself. I'm the only person I always have to live with. I believe that God put me here to tell those who have been ex-commuted by family and the church that God still loves them just as much and to tell the church that too.
I'm not just taking this and running with it. I still ask myself that first question but I'm starting to ask God instead of myself more often. I'm learning to trust that he will catch me if I fall, I'm learning to share my burdens with him, I'm learning to dance in the rain and see the blessing in the storm. I think of all the ignorance within the church and immediately feel overwhelmed. I ask him to PLEASE take this cup from me if at all possible. I pray that if I have this situation all wrong, he'll change my heart and mind to that of a typical female so I can live my life more peacefully (at least in this area). But as I pray those prayers and wait for his answer, he sends someone or something to let me know I'm right where he wants me to be. Today's someone: my friend Solomon, a fellow Christian transguy with the same vision as me. Todays something: Cammie's song - A blog written by the mom of a young MTF (male to female), also Christian. It let me know that I'm not the first, nor the only. The battle will be a tough one but "...Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's." 2 Chronicles 20:15
--Zay
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Fresh Start, New Me
So since I stopped blogging the first time and since I've come back, I've done a lot of growing. I'm also a much happier person and I realized that if someone were to read this from the beginning would be listening to a completely different person. Well not completely different...but a different me. So I thought I would just definitively lay out everything I'm doing these days.
I'm working on a Website right now. It's up but I'm not done with it yet. It's to more fully document my transition and to bring pretty much the rest of what I'm about to say into one spot. It'll have pictures, videos, (if I can figure it out) a direct link to this blog (of I'll just copy and paste), lots of links and a place where you can ask me questions, etc.
I still have my Youtube. I'm uploading more often and I'm always taking topic requests. Plus, I have a fancy new computer so I can make them cooler :)
That's about it as far as online stuff. I have a formspring and a tumblr and a twitter. I just got the formspring so I'm not sure exactly how to use it. I don't use my tumblr much and I haven't used twitter in a while but they all intrigue me so maybe I'll try harder to update everything in my life. Lol
As far as offline, I'm now single. I'm not on hormones but I have my appointment April 14th. No name change, no surgeries. I came out to my parents once but that didn't go well so I'm working on my second time and hopefully last.
I'm in a constant state of self-discovery and analysis, trying to be the best person I can be. It won't do me any good to be on hormones but still not like who I am. So that's where I am now.
Over n Out
Zay
I'm working on a Website right now. It's up but I'm not done with it yet. It's to more fully document my transition and to bring pretty much the rest of what I'm about to say into one spot. It'll have pictures, videos, (if I can figure it out) a direct link to this blog (of I'll just copy and paste), lots of links and a place where you can ask me questions, etc.
I still have my Youtube. I'm uploading more often and I'm always taking topic requests. Plus, I have a fancy new computer so I can make them cooler :)
That's about it as far as online stuff. I have a formspring and a tumblr and a twitter. I just got the formspring so I'm not sure exactly how to use it. I don't use my tumblr much and I haven't used twitter in a while but they all intrigue me so maybe I'll try harder to update everything in my life. Lol
As far as offline, I'm now single. I'm not on hormones but I have my appointment April 14th. No name change, no surgeries. I came out to my parents once but that didn't go well so I'm working on my second time and hopefully last.
I'm in a constant state of self-discovery and analysis, trying to be the best person I can be. It won't do me any good to be on hormones but still not like who I am. So that's where I am now.
Over n Out
Zay
Monday, March 1, 2010
Dysphoria Blues
Yea...so I feel like shit...and I don't cuss often. I'm starting to slide back into those feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. Every day that passes with no hormones and no surgery in sight makes life feel less and less worth living. This depression is getting in the way of studying or doing anything really except sleeping and seeing this girl I like. Being around her makes life hurt worse but only temporarily. When I'm by myself, the headaches come back, I can't stay awake, I can't escape my thoughts. I can feel myself slipping back into the bad habits I resort to to deal with these feelings because I feel trapped. I feel like it's either school or transition because I only have the strength to do one...if any. Just venting I guess. But yea...that's it. And I still don't know what I'm doing for the summer. I don't want to be in my house or in school but no one even wants to give me an interview...*sigh*
Over n Out
Over n Out
Monday, February 22, 2010
Doubtful
I seem to find myself on this cycle of unwaivering confidence down to confusion and hopelessness, covering everything in between. Right now, I'm in that crappy place at the bottom. I'm beginning to wish I were an orphan so I wouldn't have to "do this to my parents" when in reality I've done nothing to them. I'm tired of feeling like shit on both ends. If I try to live my life as a female, I know where that will lead and I'll probably ultimately end up killing myself for trying to hide such an essential part of me. This transgender identity seems more like a curse than a blessing. I've finally figured out why I was so depressed from a young age. Last April when I discovered that I was trans, I was delivered from a very dark place in my life and every time someone or something tells me that I can't be me or that it's intrinsically wrong to be myself, I return to that place of loneliness and disparity. I start listening to everything people have said that make me feel like shit. I try to make myself remember why I'm doing this in the first place but it just doesn't seem worth it, even though I know where the other path leads. I feel stuck in the middle of two God forsaken boulders and I don't know which way I should turn or if I even can turn.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
On the road to becoming myself
So I have two things to talk about. The first is that I'm finally on the road to becoming Zavier (I've decided to stick with the Z). I have an appointment next Wednesday, not to start T, but it's the first step.
The second thing is I wrote another letter to my parents that I'm going to snail mail them. Here goes:
Why most LGBT people leave, deny, ignore or hate the church is because they are told that their self-realization, and their happiness is condemned as a sin. They are told that they'll probably be miserable for a long time and that if they just abstain and pray that eventually they'll grow into happiness at some point (kind of like a mail-order-bride). If they don't subscribe to that theory then they are pegged as sinners, almost untouchables. They lean toward drugs and sex, and who would blame them, living in this world without Jesus. But that's another thing. The LGBT community is a community of strong individuals. There's more to it than drugs, AIDS, and partying, just like there's more to the black community than welfare, crack, robbery and violence. There are LGBT lawyers, doctors, plumbers, homeless people, pastors, husbands, wives, parents, children, teachers, and everything else. They have to work just as hard as any other marginalized groups to dispel stereotypes and fight to create opportunities for those who are too badly injured emotionally, socially, spiritually, and sometimes physically. Sound familiar?
God's wrath was satisfied with the death and resurrection of his son, but even then, how do we know what God truly thinks? The most accurate parts of the bible are the words of Jesus, himself; God in the form of man. Out of all the red text in the bible, it boils down to this: have no other god before the God and to love your neighbor as yourself. A constant quest for purity distracts us from God's call for compassion, love and mercy above all. That's how we lead by example (which Jesus did and what we are called to do). Fanatical Christians do more damage for God's kingdom than the devil ever could. People stop fighting to join or to be accepted by a community where they are not wanted. We are called to love people as people because they are people. God made people in his image. Accepting and tolerating are not the same thing. How can you love your neighbor if you don't let yourself get too close, if you don't care about their struggles, if you invalidate their pain? Would you keep your distance from God? The other eight commandments, the fruits of the spirit, the beattitudes. Those are our guides that tell us how we should live our lives down on earth. They don't mention anything about homosexuality. What will change about a person because they are gay or transgendered besides their happiness? What will change about me? I won't say I won't change because we are all changing all the time, but I'll still be me. It says in Matthew that we are to be judged based on how we treat the least among us. Being polite isn't going to cut it when God asks us how we loved his children.
As Christians, we are to model our lives on earth as Jesus lived his on earth. Jesus and his disciples shared company with Eunichs (the sexual deviants at the time) and said they would be welcome in his kingdom. Then why do we as Christians tell them something different? Isn't it better to have someone in the LGBT community on fire for the Lord than a cis-gender, heterosexual person preaching the opposite message? Sure, a gay man could fight to change who he found attractive, I could try even harder to beat my happiness into submission, but isn't that wasting time? What should our focus really be? Getting used to something, not minding something isn't always the way to go. You can stop minding your husband hitting you when he's upset, you can get used to burning your fingers on your crack pipe, you can get used to not going to church, you can not mind being disrespected.
Leviticus 20:13 says that man lying with man is detestable. Leviticus 11:12 says that the consumption of shellfish is an abomination. Which sounds worse to you? How do some people get to decide which parts are antiquated and which aren't? The bible says in James 2:10 "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." So if we are going to spend the short time we have here on earth following the bible literally instead of learning the lessons that help us love god, others, and ourselves then we should throw away all of our pants. Any clothing made from more than one material? Gone. (Leviticus 19:19) No more cooking soul food because we aren't allowed to touch the skin of unclean animals and to wash it to be cooked, you'd have to touch it. Bacon, pigs feet, all of it. (Leviticus 11:8) All female ministers need to be unordained. Now. Women can't even talk in church.(1 Timothy 2:11-12) And if you're on your period, don't even come. (Leviticus 15:25) The barbers and razor companies would all go out of business because cutting hair and shaving are sinful.(Leviticus 19:27) Imagine the next time you see a lady in a sleeveless shirt. All the PK's who have lost their way and have become sexually promiscuous are to be brought to the town square to be burned at the stake. (Leviticus 21:9) Why aren't there sermon's on these? No sects of Christianity that focus on these (i.e "God Hates Fags")? Why doesn't anyone tell the clean shaven man that God doesn't love him? No signs protesting Red Lobster? And no one feels guilty for buying a 75% cotton shirt. These all seem outdated and nit-picky. Well so does the one we started off with. The story that is often brought up is that of Sodom and Gomorrah but, ironically, the hero of that particular story is Abraham who pleaded for mercy for the condemned. The heroes are not those cheering it on.
With all that said, I'm not gay, but since you refuse to see that I'm not, I decided to stick up for them too. When I said that this made me happy, I don't think I made clear what I really meant. I've been struggling with depression long before you picked up on it. I've held hatred toward myself since an age you wouldn't believe if I told you. You refer to my "stint" with cutting as "back then" but what you didn't know is that I never stopped. Getting caught just made me a better liar. The day I saw you cry because of it was the day I decided to make sure you never heard about it again. As your child, I didn't want to be the cause of your pain. You asked me if I was doing it for attention but attention was the last thing I wanted. If anything, I wanted you to hate me so that when I took my life, I wasn't missed. I attempted suicide quite a few times, I even struggled with eating disorders. I wanted to lose all the fat from my body so that all that would be left were muscles and my hips and boobs and period would disappear. I continued cutting up until shortly after I realized I was trans. It was when I read a blog someone wrote about appreciating our bodies because they've carried up through to this point and will carry us forward that I decided to stop hurting myself because those scars would be transferred to my new life. That is the life I got tired of living. That is the life I asked God to deliver me from.
You said that it was unfair for me to expect you to just adapt and that I should have told you when we were in therapy. I didn't come to terms with this until April so how could I have told you back then? Then all I knew was that I hated myself and everyone around me would probably be better off in my absence. What's not fair is to be told that your happiness is sinful. It's not fair to have to deal with a lifetime of feeling like you don't belong anywhere. It's not fair to get your clothes taken away, or to be told who you can and can't be friends with. It's not fair to be told that your happiness is unfair.
You said that my calling was to those of the LGBT community and you were right. I can see that now. But what I know and what you think it should be are different. I believe that part of what I'm supposed to do here on earth is show them God's love and let them know that he loves them back. You said that you were told to pray about my "sexuality". Sexuality refers to a lot of things but if you're praying for me, pray that God's will be done in my life. Don't pray against me. You said that I shouldn't try to make you be politically correct but that's exactly what turns people off about Christians. You can't try to cure someone with diabetes using cancer medicine. If you're going to try to "fix" someone you can't call them what they are not. You also said that God doesn't differentiate between transsexuality and homosexuality. I don't think that a God with such an important mission, who wanted only the best for his children, a God who is timeless and just as modern as he is ancient, would say something like "Oh, yeah. I meant that too." I believe that the bible is very explicit so that there's little confusion. It's humans that try to interpret it to fit their own desires and wills that confuse everyone.
You said that God couldn't be involved in this and I know you were wrong because I see and hear him daily in the little things and the big things. Things that happen in my life can't possibly all be a coincidence. You said that you were angry because God has placed this burden upon you. I say don't curse your blessings. This thing is a very small part of who I am. God gave you two awesome kids. You've said things like "any other parent wouldn't tolerate ______" or that you work hard to do x, y, and z for us. I don't deny that you've sacrificed a lot for us but so have we. We are in school, no babies, drugs, alcohol, gangs, limited cussing, decent grades, loving church, loving God, wanting to learn more everyday from books, from school, and from the people around us, and I don't know of very many kids so involved in their parents' ministry. And yea sometimes we do get an attitude but we have bad days, low tolerance for certain things, and feel underappreciated sometimes just like everyone else. You told me I was beautiful hoping I would look in the mirror and finally see it but it only felt like a slap in the face, like you didn't support me, like you didn't believe me.
I didn't appreciate you downplaying my adulthood under the guise of being black. That has nothing to do with adulthood, nor does age. Paying bills is an acquired skill but it's how you view life that makes you an adult. Knowing that your way isn't necessarily the best way, realizing that others' purpose in life is not to please you, learning to be respectful and assertive, accepting responsibility, learning how to communicate, gaining the ability to see another person's perspective or to empathize, THAT is how you become an adult. The age of consent is different everywhere so I know that age means nothing. Is a 30-year-old man with no intent to find work who lives off of others more of an adult than the 15-year-old has to raise his brothers and sisters?
As an adult I realize that I have to accept the consequences of my actions, but I also know that consequences are inevitable. I've weighed the pros and cons of going through the process of changing my outside to match my inside a million times and I never stop exploring new possibilities. Sometimes I have doubts but I know there is no way I could go back. It would be the stupidest thing I've done if I ask God for a solution and then ignore it. This is who I am, not who I have chosen to be. I've been given the choice to decide how to deal with it but that choice is no choice at all. I was once told this story I'll relate to you: A child was born without the ability to feel pain. When he was out playing, he was badly injured but because he could not feel it, he never went home to be bandaged and held by his parents. I don't believe God tests us. Tests are to see what the person you are testing knows or doesn't know. However, God knows everything, including what we are thinking and what we know. I do believe that God allows us to experience pain so that we will run back to him to be healed and reassured and, so far, that has been my experience.
I love you and respect you but as we get older, our roles as children and parents change. Before legal adulthood, your job is to guide, protect, and control, and mine is to absorb. Now it is time for me to take control of my own life and it is your job to support me as your offspring. I have to manage my time, to accept consequences, to experience things, but most importantly I have to try. I have to try to be the best I can be and to make my own life. This is my way of taking the reins and setting out on my own journey. This letter wasn't meant offensively but to let you know that I've made my decision and that I won't change my mind. I'm prepared to do this on my own. I'd love to have you be a part but not in the way you have until this point. The tests are inconclusive and "remedies" that you may be told will cure me don't work. You aren't the first set of parents to want to "fix" their transgender child and several trans people want to try and fix themselves too. But there is no way to fix it but through transition. Transition is different for everyone but for me it means taking a hormone, which is no different than taking birth control. It will also mean having a male contoured chest which is accomplished through a surgical procedure. To me this is no different than removing two tumors and will make me lighter, happier, and healthier. If you want to respond, I'd appreciate it in the form of writing. When you're ready to talk to you son, the line is open. If I don't hear back, I'll assume that you're leaving me to steer through this part of my journey without you (which I'll understand). This letter is not meant to be disrespectful, only to let you know that I've made up my mind.
With all my love,
Zay
The second thing is I wrote another letter to my parents that I'm going to snail mail them. Here goes:
Why most LGBT people leave, deny, ignore or hate the church is because they are told that their self-realization, and their happiness is condemned as a sin. They are told that they'll probably be miserable for a long time and that if they just abstain and pray that eventually they'll grow into happiness at some point (kind of like a mail-order-bride). If they don't subscribe to that theory then they are pegged as sinners, almost untouchables. They lean toward drugs and sex, and who would blame them, living in this world without Jesus. But that's another thing. The LGBT community is a community of strong individuals. There's more to it than drugs, AIDS, and partying, just like there's more to the black community than welfare, crack, robbery and violence. There are LGBT lawyers, doctors, plumbers, homeless people, pastors, husbands, wives, parents, children, teachers, and everything else. They have to work just as hard as any other marginalized groups to dispel stereotypes and fight to create opportunities for those who are too badly injured emotionally, socially, spiritually, and sometimes physically. Sound familiar?
God's wrath was satisfied with the death and resurrection of his son, but even then, how do we know what God truly thinks? The most accurate parts of the bible are the words of Jesus, himself; God in the form of man. Out of all the red text in the bible, it boils down to this: have no other god before the God and to love your neighbor as yourself. A constant quest for purity distracts us from God's call for compassion, love and mercy above all. That's how we lead by example (which Jesus did and what we are called to do). Fanatical Christians do more damage for God's kingdom than the devil ever could. People stop fighting to join or to be accepted by a community where they are not wanted. We are called to love people as people because they are people. God made people in his image. Accepting and tolerating are not the same thing. How can you love your neighbor if you don't let yourself get too close, if you don't care about their struggles, if you invalidate their pain? Would you keep your distance from God? The other eight commandments, the fruits of the spirit, the beattitudes. Those are our guides that tell us how we should live our lives down on earth. They don't mention anything about homosexuality. What will change about a person because they are gay or transgendered besides their happiness? What will change about me? I won't say I won't change because we are all changing all the time, but I'll still be me. It says in Matthew that we are to be judged based on how we treat the least among us. Being polite isn't going to cut it when God asks us how we loved his children.
As Christians, we are to model our lives on earth as Jesus lived his on earth. Jesus and his disciples shared company with Eunichs (the sexual deviants at the time) and said they would be welcome in his kingdom. Then why do we as Christians tell them something different? Isn't it better to have someone in the LGBT community on fire for the Lord than a cis-gender, heterosexual person preaching the opposite message? Sure, a gay man could fight to change who he found attractive, I could try even harder to beat my happiness into submission, but isn't that wasting time? What should our focus really be? Getting used to something, not minding something isn't always the way to go. You can stop minding your husband hitting you when he's upset, you can get used to burning your fingers on your crack pipe, you can get used to not going to church, you can not mind being disrespected.
Leviticus 20:13 says that man lying with man is detestable. Leviticus 11:12 says that the consumption of shellfish is an abomination. Which sounds worse to you? How do some people get to decide which parts are antiquated and which aren't? The bible says in James 2:10 "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." So if we are going to spend the short time we have here on earth following the bible literally instead of learning the lessons that help us love god, others, and ourselves then we should throw away all of our pants. Any clothing made from more than one material? Gone. (Leviticus 19:19) No more cooking soul food because we aren't allowed to touch the skin of unclean animals and to wash it to be cooked, you'd have to touch it. Bacon, pigs feet, all of it. (Leviticus 11:8) All female ministers need to be unordained. Now. Women can't even talk in church.(1 Timothy 2:11-12) And if you're on your period, don't even come. (Leviticus 15:25) The barbers and razor companies would all go out of business because cutting hair and shaving are sinful.(Leviticus 19:27) Imagine the next time you see a lady in a sleeveless shirt. All the PK's who have lost their way and have become sexually promiscuous are to be brought to the town square to be burned at the stake. (Leviticus 21:9) Why aren't there sermon's on these? No sects of Christianity that focus on these (i.e "God Hates Fags")? Why doesn't anyone tell the clean shaven man that God doesn't love him? No signs protesting Red Lobster? And no one feels guilty for buying a 75% cotton shirt. These all seem outdated and nit-picky. Well so does the one we started off with. The story that is often brought up is that of Sodom and Gomorrah but, ironically, the hero of that particular story is Abraham who pleaded for mercy for the condemned. The heroes are not those cheering it on.
With all that said, I'm not gay, but since you refuse to see that I'm not, I decided to stick up for them too. When I said that this made me happy, I don't think I made clear what I really meant. I've been struggling with depression long before you picked up on it. I've held hatred toward myself since an age you wouldn't believe if I told you. You refer to my "stint" with cutting as "back then" but what you didn't know is that I never stopped. Getting caught just made me a better liar. The day I saw you cry because of it was the day I decided to make sure you never heard about it again. As your child, I didn't want to be the cause of your pain. You asked me if I was doing it for attention but attention was the last thing I wanted. If anything, I wanted you to hate me so that when I took my life, I wasn't missed. I attempted suicide quite a few times, I even struggled with eating disorders. I wanted to lose all the fat from my body so that all that would be left were muscles and my hips and boobs and period would disappear. I continued cutting up until shortly after I realized I was trans. It was when I read a blog someone wrote about appreciating our bodies because they've carried up through to this point and will carry us forward that I decided to stop hurting myself because those scars would be transferred to my new life. That is the life I got tired of living. That is the life I asked God to deliver me from.
You said that it was unfair for me to expect you to just adapt and that I should have told you when we were in therapy. I didn't come to terms with this until April so how could I have told you back then? Then all I knew was that I hated myself and everyone around me would probably be better off in my absence. What's not fair is to be told that your happiness is sinful. It's not fair to have to deal with a lifetime of feeling like you don't belong anywhere. It's not fair to get your clothes taken away, or to be told who you can and can't be friends with. It's not fair to be told that your happiness is unfair.
You said that my calling was to those of the LGBT community and you were right. I can see that now. But what I know and what you think it should be are different. I believe that part of what I'm supposed to do here on earth is show them God's love and let them know that he loves them back. You said that you were told to pray about my "sexuality". Sexuality refers to a lot of things but if you're praying for me, pray that God's will be done in my life. Don't pray against me. You said that I shouldn't try to make you be politically correct but that's exactly what turns people off about Christians. You can't try to cure someone with diabetes using cancer medicine. If you're going to try to "fix" someone you can't call them what they are not. You also said that God doesn't differentiate between transsexuality and homosexuality. I don't think that a God with such an important mission, who wanted only the best for his children, a God who is timeless and just as modern as he is ancient, would say something like "Oh, yeah. I meant that too." I believe that the bible is very explicit so that there's little confusion. It's humans that try to interpret it to fit their own desires and wills that confuse everyone.
You said that God couldn't be involved in this and I know you were wrong because I see and hear him daily in the little things and the big things. Things that happen in my life can't possibly all be a coincidence. You said that you were angry because God has placed this burden upon you. I say don't curse your blessings. This thing is a very small part of who I am. God gave you two awesome kids. You've said things like "any other parent wouldn't tolerate ______" or that you work hard to do x, y, and z for us. I don't deny that you've sacrificed a lot for us but so have we. We are in school, no babies, drugs, alcohol, gangs, limited cussing, decent grades, loving church, loving God, wanting to learn more everyday from books, from school, and from the people around us, and I don't know of very many kids so involved in their parents' ministry. And yea sometimes we do get an attitude but we have bad days, low tolerance for certain things, and feel underappreciated sometimes just like everyone else. You told me I was beautiful hoping I would look in the mirror and finally see it but it only felt like a slap in the face, like you didn't support me, like you didn't believe me.
I didn't appreciate you downplaying my adulthood under the guise of being black. That has nothing to do with adulthood, nor does age. Paying bills is an acquired skill but it's how you view life that makes you an adult. Knowing that your way isn't necessarily the best way, realizing that others' purpose in life is not to please you, learning to be respectful and assertive, accepting responsibility, learning how to communicate, gaining the ability to see another person's perspective or to empathize, THAT is how you become an adult. The age of consent is different everywhere so I know that age means nothing. Is a 30-year-old man with no intent to find work who lives off of others more of an adult than the 15-year-old has to raise his brothers and sisters?
As an adult I realize that I have to accept the consequences of my actions, but I also know that consequences are inevitable. I've weighed the pros and cons of going through the process of changing my outside to match my inside a million times and I never stop exploring new possibilities. Sometimes I have doubts but I know there is no way I could go back. It would be the stupidest thing I've done if I ask God for a solution and then ignore it. This is who I am, not who I have chosen to be. I've been given the choice to decide how to deal with it but that choice is no choice at all. I was once told this story I'll relate to you: A child was born without the ability to feel pain. When he was out playing, he was badly injured but because he could not feel it, he never went home to be bandaged and held by his parents. I don't believe God tests us. Tests are to see what the person you are testing knows or doesn't know. However, God knows everything, including what we are thinking and what we know. I do believe that God allows us to experience pain so that we will run back to him to be healed and reassured and, so far, that has been my experience.
I love you and respect you but as we get older, our roles as children and parents change. Before legal adulthood, your job is to guide, protect, and control, and mine is to absorb. Now it is time for me to take control of my own life and it is your job to support me as your offspring. I have to manage my time, to accept consequences, to experience things, but most importantly I have to try. I have to try to be the best I can be and to make my own life. This is my way of taking the reins and setting out on my own journey. This letter wasn't meant offensively but to let you know that I've made my decision and that I won't change my mind. I'm prepared to do this on my own. I'd love to have you be a part but not in the way you have until this point. The tests are inconclusive and "remedies" that you may be told will cure me don't work. You aren't the first set of parents to want to "fix" their transgender child and several trans people want to try and fix themselves too. But there is no way to fix it but through transition. Transition is different for everyone but for me it means taking a hormone, which is no different than taking birth control. It will also mean having a male contoured chest which is accomplished through a surgical procedure. To me this is no different than removing two tumors and will make me lighter, happier, and healthier. If you want to respond, I'd appreciate it in the form of writing. When you're ready to talk to you son, the line is open. If I don't hear back, I'll assume that you're leaving me to steer through this part of my journey without you (which I'll understand). This letter is not meant to be disrespectful, only to let you know that I've made up my mind.
With all my love,
Zay
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