This is the letter I read to my parents
As you have probably noticed, I have never been very feminine though I was your female child and though I had many tomboy friends during childhood, eventually they all grew into their femininity as time progressed as I remained in this "phase". I have noticed the concern or disappointment in your tone and in your eyes when I opt for boys clothes, refuse to carry a purse, put my wallet in my back pocket or decline your suggestions to wear earrings to balance out my masculinity. Never quite feeling comfortable in my body has caused a lot of depression and confusion, I just didn't know how seriously it was affecting me. Rewind to the 2-year-old running around, to the 4-year-old talking to strangers like they were old friends, to the 5-year-old they're trying to shut up. Fast forward to a steadily declining morale of a once lively kid, beginning to regret their existence. Skip to a 13-year-old who already thought their life was over, who thought they were a failure for failing to get their heart to fail. Wearing long sleeves and long pants and baggy clothes to hide scars and the fat, or lack there of. They think God is punishing them, trying to deal with them, trying to break them. A hardheaded new teen trying to take on God or go down trying. Then a 17-year-old, four years past their expiration date falls prostrate, tired of seeing the world with a black tint prays for forgiveness and for a clear view; his view. I'm on YouTube like I usually do and stumble upon a video that sums up the feelings I could never express and gives them a name. I was going back and forth afraid that I would lose everyone and that God would turn his back on me questioning whether it was God or Satan. I tried to stuff away the happiness and keep living my life the way I had been, trying to tell myself to get used to it and to get over it. Til just last month I fell prostrate again, praying for him to remove these thoughts for good not knowing that they'd come directly for him. But with that tearful prayer he revealed that and all that I'm about to tell you.
A transgender person is someone whose gender identity does not correspond with their sex assigned at birth. My earliest recollection of these feelings was in one of my several preschools. We had a slip and slide day and even though I liked playing in water, I didn't want to participate in a bathing suit and forwent the opportunity. I've never wanted girl talk or girl time and I always felt out of place at women's luncheon's, girls' days out, slumber parties and other affinity type activities. I've always wanted short hair, a deep voice, big feet and strong hands. I've hated my chest since they first came on the scene in 5th grade and hated any curves that developed just as much. June 26, 2003 was one of the worst days of my life not only because it began a series of about 66 painful weeks but it also solidified that I was not like the boys I wished so hard I could transform into. I've tested the theory that says that your attitude changes with the clothes you wear but to no avail. I tried to like certain things or wear certain things so I could make you happier but I just felt even more awkward and depressed which is something I couldn't afford. It excited me when I was referred to or mistaken for male and aspired to develop muscles instead of curves and to have face decorated with hair instead of make-up. Even though you spent a lot of time choosing a name for me, I've never felt like it described me. And while societal roles are synthetic, I feel much more called to the typical male role as the chival provider. I couldn't see myself as a mother but as a father and not just a mediocre one. I plan to be the best one I can be. I feel as though I've always been your son but was forced to be a daughter. I constantly felt like I was encased in an iron maiden but didn't know why. I felt like everyone was talking to what was encasing me but they couldn't see the me that keeps myself company on the dark inside of a trap. Being a man in a woman's body means you're invisible and that's a painfully lonely existence. It's hard to live in the wrong body. Its hard to look in the mirror everyday and not see your true self. Imagine being Varetta but waking up every morning and seeing Simon in the mirror. You want to wear your make up but the stubble gets in the way and you have much more hair than you care for and everyone you talk to calls you Simon and you almost want to stop meeting people so you don't have to introduce yourself as Simon. Imagine being Levi but being Lisa on the outside wanting male camaraderie but being turned away by your peers and given grief for just trying to be yourself, always being told almost like rhetoric that you are a lady, and the things you want to do, own, or wear are for men. But on April 4, 2009, I experienced God's peace for the first time; this is the day I realized that I was trans.
You are probably skeptical, as was I, that this is something that God could be a part of but after a deperate prayer, God opened my eyes to see that he was ordering my steps. As much as I hated westridge while I was there, it has definitely proven part of God's plan. Ms. Love came during my senior year and she was the first person I told in the spring. She didn't judge me but supported me even though we did not have much time to discuss it. That year we also needed a guitar player for the MLK assembly and Ms. Love brought her friend Sara who I clicked with automatically. We continued our friendship from that day and though it was unbeknown at the time, I later found out that Sara was transgender as well and she has supported me through my uncertainties, never pushing me in either direction but by just being there. Coach K also knows and is supportive and I'm grateful for the relationship I was able to build with her over my time there. Westridge has also allowed me to get into UCLA.
Meagan was the first friend I made at UCLA and we've remained friends. In the middle of FSP, which was also a blessing that I got into, we discovered that we both identified the same way. I cannot imagine having a better support than a good friend dealing with the same issues. Juan and Carina are also supportive. Meagan has chosen to go by Micah. UCLA is also located in Los Angeles near West Hollywood and Santa Monica which both have lots of resources and support for trans people. It's also allowed me to be close enough to meet Pica, another trans person my age, who introduced me to Tawny who is going to Westmont to study to be able to help people like me Micah and Pica. She's helped me to understand that God is not separate from this and helped me to gain the courage to bring you guys into the light. Both of them are Christian. UCLA also offers an affinity group for trans people and specifically transmen and next year they will be started a whole trans program that is connected with the health services. In addition, the university insurance will pay for a lot of the steps needed already and even more next year.
You may have wondered what makes ____________ and I so close. During the spring I came to her with this as an older sister and she's tried to get me to see other avenues, solutions, explanations, etc. which all make sense when she suggests or explains them but when I pray for myself about the issue, God always presents something that points back to his plan. I knew she was a blessing in my life and because she felt such love for me she took it upon herself to lead me back to what she thought was right. Every time we talked about it, we grow apart and I thought I was pushing my blessing away so each time I listened intently and tried to line up my thoughts and visions for myself with what she was telling me. But sometimes it'd take a week, a day, an hour, a minute until those thoughts would re-enter my thought process. She told me it couldn't be God, that it was coming from the devil so like the good Christian I aspire to be I tried to bind satan, rebuke his hold, and force myself in the opposite direction but still I'd fall into his clutches. Or so I thought.
I understand things a lot more if they have a metaphor or a parallel and in that vein, God has brought 3 stories to my attention that apply to my situation. The first story is of Abraham. He waited forever to have a son and then was asked to sacrifice him to accomplish God's agenda. Because he was obedient, he was allowed to keep his son. These are my relationships. I'm not a very social person so I cherish the friendships I have and I'm very aware that the decision to follow through with this may cause me to lose some of those but I'm confident that God has my back. I'm hoping through my obedience, I'll be allowed to keep what's important to me too. God revealed to Joseph that he was someone on the inside that no one could see from the outside. When Joseph shared this, he was harshly judged and even hated. He became the person he was to become by enduring trials and learning patience, much like I'll have to do during this process. When he was out becoming who God wanted him to be, his parents thought he had died but because God was ordering his steps, he became an even more valuable resource to his family and to an entire nation. I realize that during this process, you'll have to mourn the loss of your daughter but as I grow more comfortable and more confident and continue to lean on and listen to God, I'll become a better child, sibling, friend, student, and human being because everything is linked. The final story God gave me was of Esther who was forced to hide who she really was thinking that it was for the best. But when those around her were threatened to be persecuted, she had a choice to make. Because she chose to reveal who she really was, she was able to educate those who had already written her people off and to save those she loved. One of the reasons I have gone so back and forth on this issue and have waited so long to tell you is because I thought that my decision would have a negative effect on your ministry but when I prayed about it, it became clear that two things ordained by God could not be mutually exclusive and that God would protect your ministry and that this new undertaking in my life would be a part of my own ministry (probably starting with Micah).
Since April, I've seen and heard many reasons why I shouldn't do this and when they were presented I didn't have a response but God has helped me with those too. Here are a few that I've chosen to share because they may be things you're thinking as well.
1. God does't make mistakes
I'm not claiming that God has made a mistake. I'm asserting that this was part of his plan. There are some things growing up female have done that will affect and have already affected me in a way that I wouldn't have been affected growing up male. For example, going to an all girl's school especially with girly friends has taught me how and how not to treat whomever God blesses me with and also will steer me away from operating in a mode of male chauvinism (which I can also help Jarren with) and if nothing else, this experience will help me with my own kids.
2. If you were meant to be a boy, you would have been born one
Nobody knows what they'll be when they grow up. They show signs and traits that point or steer them toward a direction they'll grow into with the help and support of loved ones and their own investments. This is the a different situation but the same template.
3. You'd be destroying God's temple
If this were true then any modification to God's temple should be weighed equally including braces, teeth whitening, breast augmentations, botox, tans, laser eye surgery, any sort of cosmetic surgery, reconstructive surgery, make up, hair cuts, pierced ears, or anything else.
4. Plenty of girls start out tomboys and eventually grown into their femininity
Honestly, I'm beginning my adult years. If it were going to happen, it would have happened already.
5. I felt like that too then changed my perspective and now I'm happy
Not everyone with similar beginnings are meant to follow the same path. Think of all the people whose parents started them on piano when they were small. Some have become lawyers, others business people or they may have continued music. If I had the choice between changing my mindset and changing my body, I'd choose the former without a blink.
6. God gave you parents who wouldn't support something like this for a reason
Learning is not omnidirectional, it happens both ways; kids learn from parents and the parents learn from kids. Just because mom's family wasn't christian didn't mean she wasn't supposed to be and because she decided to be despite naysayers, her whole family is now saved. They also didn't support her music but that was the path god had chosen for her.
With that said, I hope I will have your support in this. Statistics show that 1/3 of trans people take their lives because they lack support and love in their lives throughout their transition. But I'm also prepared to continue should you decide you can't because I know that God is behind this. I know you must have a lot of questions and I hope you will feel comfortable enough to ask them and I'll to my best to provide the answers but I don't know everything either. This is a learning experience for all of us. I don't want to overwhelm you with details anymore than I already have but I thought this was important to include in this first letter. Part of this process is choosing a name. The name I've chosen for myself is Zavier Nehemiah Alexander DaVonn Heidelberg. It's long but there's no law against that. Zavier has been the name I liked from the very beginning. I wanted my name to be meaningful to me so I looked it up and it meant "new house" and "bright". I was kind of disappointed but decided to make it up with my middle name(s). But when God revealed everything else to me he also opened my eyes to why the meaning is not so random after all. The new house is my new body, a new outer appearance but the inside is still the same. Our bodies are a temple but they are also just a house we are renting. By me remodeling my house, it will allow me to interact more comfortably and to tend to God's business the way I want to and the way I should. But when you remodel a house, you don't throw out its contents. I'll still be your less social child, I'll still love music, I'll still drive you crazy with the radio stations in the car, I'll still be on a fixed income, I'll still be your child at UCLA, I'll still be your first born, I'll still like stickers and the Cheetah Girls and orange chicken and dollar tacos and more than likely I still won't know how to drive. "Bright" is also accurate because with a testimony like this I have no choice but to reflect the light of the world to those I come in contact with. We visited a church one sunday and the pastor was teaching on Nehemiah. I liked that he cried for the plight of others and thought that described me well. I also liked that he was so passionate about God's business. Nehemiah means comforter and while I may rile your nerves, I tend to have the opposite effect on other people. Alexander means warrior and that's exactly what I'll have to be. This journey will not be easy on either end. There's a lot involved. For example, I'll be a black man in America and that comes with a large set of problems that I don't need to get into. I may also lose a lot of my friends and I'll be transforming into my true self in front of the other 25,000 people I go to school with. I also still live with female roommates and I'll have to constantly remind people not to refer to me by the name and pronouns of my former casing. There's also the legal side of it (changing my name and my accounts over for banking, ID, school records, etc.) and finding a mate that will accept my present and my past and be willing to take part in my future. I'll also have to take medicine for the rest of my life. I know that probably makes you weary but let me put it this way. People have been feeling the same way I have for as long as there have been people I'm sure, but there was nothing they could do about it. Before there was treatment for AIDS, if you had it, then that was that. But now, people with AIDS have the option to stay alive and to live their lives like a normal person if they only take this medicine everyday. In the same way, I'll have to take this medicine every week but it will allow me to live a full, happy life. For me and others like me, this is the ultimate anti-depressant. We are given 86,400 seconds every day and I don't want to spend even one more being depressed when there's a remedy. None of us know how many more days we have left and I'm not willing to let another one pass me by. I chose to keep DaVonn because I like the ties it has to our family being that it's a combination of my aunt's names and I also like the fact that you gave it to me.
I want to conclude by saying that I'm giving you this letter to keep so that you can share it with those you need to so that they understand as well and because I know you will be gathering your prayer troops. With that said, this is a part of your life but a much bigger part of mine so please be sensitive to who you tell and let me tell my friends in my own time just like I've done with you. I'm also giving it to you because this will be a tough journey and I want you to be able to look back and remember my reasoning so you don't begin to doubt when it gets rough. I understand that seeing me as your son will take some time. I can no longer be your daughter but I will always be your child. I love you guys and I always will.
--Zay
1 Samuel 16:7 - But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
So their reactions. My mom looked like she wanted to hit me. My dad said it was unfair to push this on them and to say all this now when they've tried to be a part of my life for so long. He also brought up that we'd tried therapy before and I didn't want to talk. But that was in 8th grade and about a different issue but in retrospect they were probably related. They said it would crush my brother so not to tell him especially because he was having trouble in school. Me and my little brother are close and he's told me that I'm like an older brother and sister so I'm not sure how he would take it. I agree that I don't want to take away from his concentration but not the idea that I'm just a selfish person who's out to ruin everyone's happiness. My dad also said that it didn't make sense because I didn't come from a troubled life that would force other people to think they had no other options. I've kept so much from them that they have no idea the life I've lived, but the point is that this isn't class-specific, gender-specific, religion-specific, etc. But he did say he was willing to go to family therapy to talk everything out and so I make sure I know what I'm getting into if I'm serious.
My mom on the other hand was more concerned with the fact that they weren't the first to know, when she finally spoke. Then wouldn't stop talking and didn't want to work through it. She just wanted it out of me and out of her house. She had convinced herself that I'd already taken T which is probably why she looked mad in the beginning. She thought the depo shot I'd gotten was T...I wish. So then we hugged and prayed and they promised to walk through this process with me. My mom then made me watch an hour long interview with an ex-gay pastor. Another day we had bible study together in which she made me read aloud all the verses condemning homosexuality. My dad pulled out everything from my baby dedication and made me look at stuff. Then they went through all my things and took what they deemed to be too manly which included a button up, my dress shoes, some jeans and my slacks. Then my mom gave me a list of people not to talk to including my best friend at school. My mom told me she wanted me to start wearing real bras. That's when I just said no and walked out of the room. She went to the garage and sat in the dark. My dad told me to go out there and hug her. She wouldn't hug me so I asked her what was wrong. She said she was numb and angry. I don't know what right she has to be angry. When we got to school, she went up to talk to my friend and told them we couldn't be friends anymore because he's trans. They had an hour long conversation. I fell asleep. When my mom left, my friend was so upset that he couldn't even have me in the room. He said my mom was trying to throw the bible at him and was using things out of context and even said that they just weren't allowing me to do it.
I didn't eat the first day of school because I had no one to eat with. I don't have a lot of friends because I keep to myself. I wasn't concerned about my image so much as I was just not having anyone to talk to or to realize I exist. My mom said she'd fast and pray that I'd get new friends which is nice but I didn't see why I had to dump the friends that were there for me no matter what, whether I transition or not for a group of people that I'd have to start all over again with. On the second day, me and my friend just decided to stick-it-to-the-man and hang out. I feel like I don't know who I am, what I want or even if my thoughts are my own or whether they are what my mother has told me I should think. I don't know if my mom is telling me the truth or anything.
My friend is very close to transitioning and I'm kind of jealous but I'm mostly jealous of everyone who's parents treat them like adults or even human beings with brains of their own.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Saturday, December 26, 2009
My first letter and the results
Here's the letter I wrote to my gf and I'll type out what she said to me after. I read this to her over the phone.
I know you and I have discussed this many times but here we go again. I have no doubt that God has blessed me by letting our paths cross. You were someone who showed me love that'd I'd never experienced before. You told me that I didn't have to walk on eggshells with you and that we could work through anything. I hope you meant what you said. It started with you stealing my phone, trying to figure out what I was hiding. I figured I'd help you out and bared my soul. And because you felt love for me you took it upon yourself to lead me back to what you thought was right. Every time we talk about it, we grow apart and I thought I was pushing my blessing away so each time I listened intently and tried to line up my thoughts and visions for myself with yours. But sometimes it'd take a week, a day, an hour, a minute until those thoughts would re-enter my thought process. You told me it couldn't be God, that it was coming from the devil so like the good Christian I aspire to be I tried to bind satan, rebuke his hold and force myself in the opposite direction but still I'd fall into his clutches. Or so I thought.
Rewind to the 2-year-old running around, to the 4-year-old talking to strangers like they were old friends, to the 5-year-old they're trying to shut up. Fast forward to a steadily declining morale of a once lively kid, beginning to regret their existence. Skip to a 13-year-old who already thought their life was over, who thought they were a failure for failing to get their heart to fail. Wearing long sleeves and long pants and baggy clothes to hide the fat or lack there of. They think God is punishing them, trying to deal with them, trying to break them. A hardheaded new teen trying to take on God or go down trying. Then a 17-year-old, four years past their expiration date falls prostrate, tired of seeing the world with a black tint prays for forgiveness and for a clear view; his view. I'm on YouTube like I usually do and stumble upon a video that sums up the feelings I could never express and gives them a name. On April 4, 2009, I experienced God's peace for the first time. Everything seemed right til you told me it was wrong and because you were looking out for me I tried to go along and move on. Til just last month I fell prostrate again, praying for him to remove these thoughts for good not knowing that they'd come directly for him. But with that tearful prayer he revealed that and all that I'm about to tell you.
You are probably skeptical, as was I, that this is something that God could be a part of but after a deperate prayer, God opened my eyes to see that he was ordering my steps. As much as I hated westridge while I was there, it has definitely proven part of God's plan. Ms. Love came during my senior year and she was the first person I told in the spring. She didn't judge me but supported me even though we did not have much time to discuss it. That year we also needed a guitar player for the MLK assembly and Ms. Love brought her friend Sara who I clicked with automatically. We continued our friendship from that day and though unbeknown at the time, I later found out that Sara was transgender as well and she has supported me through my uncertainties, never pushing me in either direction but by just being there. Coach K also knows and is supportive and I'm grateful for the relationship I was able to build with her over my time there. Westridge has also allowed me to get into UCLA.
Meagan was the first friend I made at UCLA and we've remained friends. In the middle of FSP, which was also a blessing that I got into, we discovered that we both identified the same way. I cannot imagine having a better support than a good friend dealing with the same issues. Juan and Carina are also supportive. For the time being, Meagan has chosen to go by Micah. UCLA is also located in Los Angeles near West Hollywood and Santa Monica which both have lots of resources and support for trans people. It's also allowed me to be close enough to meet Pica, another trans person my age, who introduced me to Tawny who is going to Westmont to study to be able to help people like me Micah and Pica. She's helped me to understand that God is not separate from this and helped me to gain the courage to bring you guys into the light. Both of them are Christian. UCLA also offers an affinity group for trans people and specifically transmen and next year they will be started a whole trans program that is connected with the health services. In addition, the university insurance will pay for a lot of the steps needed already and even more next year.
You said that you could very well be the answer to my prayer and I realize that you were a part of it but not all of it. Not only did you show me love but you made me want to get closer to God. You made me think and if nothing else, you made me wait until I was ready.
I understand things a lot more if they have a metaphor or a parallel and in that vein, God has brought 3 stories to my attention that apply to my situation. The first story is of Abraham. He waited forever to have a son and then was asked to sacrifice him to accomplish God's agenda. Because he was obedient, he was allowed to keep his son. These are my relationships. I'm not a very social person so I cherish the friendships I have and I'm very aware that the decision to follow through with this may cause me to lose some of those but I'm confident that God has my back. I'm hoping through my obedience, I'll be allowed to keep what's important to me too. When God's plan was revealed what he had in store for Abraham it took him a minute to figure out whether or not it was real but then he decided to believe in what God had clearly told him. When Sara was told, she did not believe it, discounted it, and assumed she was not a part of it and tried to forcefully excluded herself from the equation but she was meant to be an integral part of God's plan. I know that God has blessed me with your presence and also with this and I know that no two things that are of God can be mutually exclusive. I know that everything has a time and a season but I also know that God will handle that and make that clear so I hope that you will continue to give me the love I believe God has placed you in my path to give and continue to allow me to love you the way God has placed me in your path to give. God revealed to Joseph that he was someone on the inside that no one could see from the outside. When Joseph shared this, he was harshly judged and even hated. He became the person he was to become by enduring trials and learning patience, much like I'll have to do during this process. When he was out becoming who God wanted him to be, his parents thought he had died but because God was ordering his steps, he became an even more valuable resource to his family and to an entire nation. I realize that during this process, you'll have to mourn the loss of your daughter but as I grow more comfortable and more confident and continue to lean on and listen to God, I'll become a better child, sibling, friend, student, and human being because everything is linked. The final story God gave me was of Esther who was forced to hide who she really was thinking that it was for the best. But when those around her were threatened to be persecuted, she had a choice to make. Because she chose to reveal who she really was, she was able to educate those who had already written her people off and to save those she loved. One of the reasons I have gone so back and forth on this issue and have waited so long to tell you is because I thought that my decision would have a negative effect on your ministry but when I prayed about it, it became clear that two things ordained by God could not be mutually exclusive and that God would protect your ministry and that this new undertaking in my life would be a part of my own ministry (probably starting with Micah).
Since April, you've given me many reasons why I shouldn't do this and when they were presented I didn't have a response but God has helped me with those too. Here are a few that I've chosen to share because they may be things you're thinking as well.
1. God does't make mistakes
I'm not claiming that God has made a mistake. I'm asserting that this was part of his plan. There are some things growing up female have done that will and already have affected me in a way that I wouldn't have been affected growing up male. For example, going to an all girl's school especially with girly friends has taught me how and how not to treat whomever God blesses me with and also will steer me away from operating in a mode of male chauvinism (which I can also help Jarren with) and if nothing else, this experience will help me with my own kids.
2. If you were meant to be a boy, you would have been born one
Nobody knows what they'll be when they grow up. They show signs and traits that point or steer them toward a direction they'll grow into with the help and support of loved ones and their own investments. This is the a different situation but the same template.
3. You'd be destroying God's temple
If this were true then any modification to God's temple should be weighed equally including braces, teeth whitening, breast augmentations, botox, tans, laser eye surgery, any sort of cosmetic surgery, reconstructive surgery, make up, hair cuts, pierced ears, or anything else.
4. Plenty of girls start out tomboys and eventually grown into their femininity
Honestly, I'm beginning my adult years. If it were going to happen, it would have happened already.
5. I felt like that too then changed my perspective and now I'm happy
Not everyone with similar beginnings are meant to follow the same path. We both wanted to be NBA players. My career peaked in middle school but lead me to you. Yours is still going and has opened doors for you and continued to be a strong part of your life. We both were started in music at a young age. Your run with music ended a little early and mine is still strong and has opened doors for me and attracted you to me.
6. God gave you parents who wouldn't support something like this for a reason
Learning is not omnidirectional, it happens both ways; kids learn from parents and the parents learn from kids. Just because my mom's family wasn't christian didn't mean she wasn't supposed to be and because she decided to be despite naysayers, her whole family is now saved. They also didn't support music but that was the path god had chosen for her.
With that said, I hope I will have your support in this but I'm also prepared to continue should you decide you can't because I know that God is behind this. I know you must have a lot of questions and I hope you will feel comfortable enough to ask them and I'll to my best to provide the answers but I don't know everything either. Part of this process is choosing a name. I'm telling you this now because I want you to know that I've given a lot of thought to this as well and that I wasn't just waiting on an omen. The name I've chosen for myself is Zavier Nehemiah Alexander DaVonn Heidelberg. It's long but there's no law against that. Zavier has been the name I liked from the very beginning. I wanted my name to be meaningful to me so I looked it up and it meant "new house" and "bright". I was kind of disappointed but decided to make it up with my middle name(s). But when God revealed everything else to me he also opened my eyes to why the meaning is not so random after all. The new house is my new body, a new outer appearance but the inside is still the same. And bright is accurate because with a testimony like this I have no choice but to reflect the light of the world. We visited a church one sunday and the pastor was teaching on Nehemiah. I liked that he cried for the plight of others and thought that described me well. I also liked that he was so passionate about God's business. Nehemiah means comforter and while I may rile your nerves, I tend to have the opposite effect on other people. Alexander means warrior and that's exactly what I'll have to be. I chose to keep DaVonn because I like the ties it has to our family being that it's a combination of my aunt's names and I also like the fact that my mom gave it to me.
There is no way that I could have come up with this on my own and there's no way that all this could fall into place without his help.
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Her verbal response was "Is there more? Ok. I have to go, I'll ttyl"
Then her text response was as follows: "im not lookin for a reply. im done. believe/choose what u want. know it has nothing to do with God! i don't agree with the choice or reasoning. idk what else to say rite now. but take it as they come. there will be more. Dinner is fine as far as dland is concerned dont stretch yourself. if you cant afford it dont bother*. ya idk what else to tell you. as of now r&b is over/never was**. friends sure i guess. as ur friend i hope u understand my view still and see that you may still be wrong and you should tell your parents if you're serious cuz its not fair 2 others if u got it easy."
* for her birthday she was going to dinner the day before and to disneyland on the actual day. just an hour ago she was telling me that if I couldn't afford it, her mom was willing to help me out. So that was pretty much her way of uninviting me.
**R&B was the code name for our relationship.
I asked her to explain what she meant by the fair part and she said "No." and then told me that I should tell my parents before the new year because I was lying to them and because she couldn't keep the secret.
I can't say I didn't expect this so I had already prayed about it before hand and the lord brought something I'd heard to mind. I'll post it here for you guys cuz it's helped me a lot.
Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away.There ain't no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it's dead it's gone. Let it go!
If somebody wants to walk out of your life, LET THEM GO no matter how much it may hurt, you have to let people go. They will realize what they had, but by then it’s too late. Also we need to realize some people come in to our lives for a season, the others for a lifetime, and to stop getting our lifetime expectations mixed with those seasonal people. I believe these seasonal people are meant to come and teach us one thing, and then for us to go on. Everybody that comes into our lives is like a piece of a tree
Leaves: Unstable as hell, all over the place, and usually just there to take from the tree, never to give
Branches... these you gotta be careful about, they’ll make you think they are a real good friend and strong, but the moment you step out there on them they break and leave you high and dry.
Roots... These are the ones that aren't going anywhere, when you have a few roots in your life it is all you need, because without those roots, the tree could not survive
I'll probably come out to my parents tomorrow so I'll keep you posted.
Over n Out
-Zay
I know you and I have discussed this many times but here we go again. I have no doubt that God has blessed me by letting our paths cross. You were someone who showed me love that'd I'd never experienced before. You told me that I didn't have to walk on eggshells with you and that we could work through anything. I hope you meant what you said. It started with you stealing my phone, trying to figure out what I was hiding. I figured I'd help you out and bared my soul. And because you felt love for me you took it upon yourself to lead me back to what you thought was right. Every time we talk about it, we grow apart and I thought I was pushing my blessing away so each time I listened intently and tried to line up my thoughts and visions for myself with yours. But sometimes it'd take a week, a day, an hour, a minute until those thoughts would re-enter my thought process. You told me it couldn't be God, that it was coming from the devil so like the good Christian I aspire to be I tried to bind satan, rebuke his hold and force myself in the opposite direction but still I'd fall into his clutches. Or so I thought.
Rewind to the 2-year-old running around, to the 4-year-old talking to strangers like they were old friends, to the 5-year-old they're trying to shut up. Fast forward to a steadily declining morale of a once lively kid, beginning to regret their existence. Skip to a 13-year-old who already thought their life was over, who thought they were a failure for failing to get their heart to fail. Wearing long sleeves and long pants and baggy clothes to hide the fat or lack there of. They think God is punishing them, trying to deal with them, trying to break them. A hardheaded new teen trying to take on God or go down trying. Then a 17-year-old, four years past their expiration date falls prostrate, tired of seeing the world with a black tint prays for forgiveness and for a clear view; his view. I'm on YouTube like I usually do and stumble upon a video that sums up the feelings I could never express and gives them a name. On April 4, 2009, I experienced God's peace for the first time. Everything seemed right til you told me it was wrong and because you were looking out for me I tried to go along and move on. Til just last month I fell prostrate again, praying for him to remove these thoughts for good not knowing that they'd come directly for him. But with that tearful prayer he revealed that and all that I'm about to tell you.
You are probably skeptical, as was I, that this is something that God could be a part of but after a deperate prayer, God opened my eyes to see that he was ordering my steps. As much as I hated westridge while I was there, it has definitely proven part of God's plan. Ms. Love came during my senior year and she was the first person I told in the spring. She didn't judge me but supported me even though we did not have much time to discuss it. That year we also needed a guitar player for the MLK assembly and Ms. Love brought her friend Sara who I clicked with automatically. We continued our friendship from that day and though unbeknown at the time, I later found out that Sara was transgender as well and she has supported me through my uncertainties, never pushing me in either direction but by just being there. Coach K also knows and is supportive and I'm grateful for the relationship I was able to build with her over my time there. Westridge has also allowed me to get into UCLA.
Meagan was the first friend I made at UCLA and we've remained friends. In the middle of FSP, which was also a blessing that I got into, we discovered that we both identified the same way. I cannot imagine having a better support than a good friend dealing with the same issues. Juan and Carina are also supportive. For the time being, Meagan has chosen to go by Micah. UCLA is also located in Los Angeles near West Hollywood and Santa Monica which both have lots of resources and support for trans people. It's also allowed me to be close enough to meet Pica, another trans person my age, who introduced me to Tawny who is going to Westmont to study to be able to help people like me Micah and Pica. She's helped me to understand that God is not separate from this and helped me to gain the courage to bring you guys into the light. Both of them are Christian. UCLA also offers an affinity group for trans people and specifically transmen and next year they will be started a whole trans program that is connected with the health services. In addition, the university insurance will pay for a lot of the steps needed already and even more next year.
You said that you could very well be the answer to my prayer and I realize that you were a part of it but not all of it. Not only did you show me love but you made me want to get closer to God. You made me think and if nothing else, you made me wait until I was ready.
I understand things a lot more if they have a metaphor or a parallel and in that vein, God has brought 3 stories to my attention that apply to my situation. The first story is of Abraham. He waited forever to have a son and then was asked to sacrifice him to accomplish God's agenda. Because he was obedient, he was allowed to keep his son. These are my relationships. I'm not a very social person so I cherish the friendships I have and I'm very aware that the decision to follow through with this may cause me to lose some of those but I'm confident that God has my back. I'm hoping through my obedience, I'll be allowed to keep what's important to me too. When God's plan was revealed what he had in store for Abraham it took him a minute to figure out whether or not it was real but then he decided to believe in what God had clearly told him. When Sara was told, she did not believe it, discounted it, and assumed she was not a part of it and tried to forcefully excluded herself from the equation but she was meant to be an integral part of God's plan. I know that God has blessed me with your presence and also with this and I know that no two things that are of God can be mutually exclusive. I know that everything has a time and a season but I also know that God will handle that and make that clear so I hope that you will continue to give me the love I believe God has placed you in my path to give and continue to allow me to love you the way God has placed me in your path to give. God revealed to Joseph that he was someone on the inside that no one could see from the outside. When Joseph shared this, he was harshly judged and even hated. He became the person he was to become by enduring trials and learning patience, much like I'll have to do during this process. When he was out becoming who God wanted him to be, his parents thought he had died but because God was ordering his steps, he became an even more valuable resource to his family and to an entire nation. I realize that during this process, you'll have to mourn the loss of your daughter but as I grow more comfortable and more confident and continue to lean on and listen to God, I'll become a better child, sibling, friend, student, and human being because everything is linked. The final story God gave me was of Esther who was forced to hide who she really was thinking that it was for the best. But when those around her were threatened to be persecuted, she had a choice to make. Because she chose to reveal who she really was, she was able to educate those who had already written her people off and to save those she loved. One of the reasons I have gone so back and forth on this issue and have waited so long to tell you is because I thought that my decision would have a negative effect on your ministry but when I prayed about it, it became clear that two things ordained by God could not be mutually exclusive and that God would protect your ministry and that this new undertaking in my life would be a part of my own ministry (probably starting with Micah).
Since April, you've given me many reasons why I shouldn't do this and when they were presented I didn't have a response but God has helped me with those too. Here are a few that I've chosen to share because they may be things you're thinking as well.
1. God does't make mistakes
I'm not claiming that God has made a mistake. I'm asserting that this was part of his plan. There are some things growing up female have done that will and already have affected me in a way that I wouldn't have been affected growing up male. For example, going to an all girl's school especially with girly friends has taught me how and how not to treat whomever God blesses me with and also will steer me away from operating in a mode of male chauvinism (which I can also help Jarren with) and if nothing else, this experience will help me with my own kids.
2. If you were meant to be a boy, you would have been born one
Nobody knows what they'll be when they grow up. They show signs and traits that point or steer them toward a direction they'll grow into with the help and support of loved ones and their own investments. This is the a different situation but the same template.
3. You'd be destroying God's temple
If this were true then any modification to God's temple should be weighed equally including braces, teeth whitening, breast augmentations, botox, tans, laser eye surgery, any sort of cosmetic surgery, reconstructive surgery, make up, hair cuts, pierced ears, or anything else.
4. Plenty of girls start out tomboys and eventually grown into their femininity
Honestly, I'm beginning my adult years. If it were going to happen, it would have happened already.
5. I felt like that too then changed my perspective and now I'm happy
Not everyone with similar beginnings are meant to follow the same path. We both wanted to be NBA players. My career peaked in middle school but lead me to you. Yours is still going and has opened doors for you and continued to be a strong part of your life. We both were started in music at a young age. Your run with music ended a little early and mine is still strong and has opened doors for me and attracted you to me.
6. God gave you parents who wouldn't support something like this for a reason
Learning is not omnidirectional, it happens both ways; kids learn from parents and the parents learn from kids. Just because my mom's family wasn't christian didn't mean she wasn't supposed to be and because she decided to be despite naysayers, her whole family is now saved. They also didn't support music but that was the path god had chosen for her.
With that said, I hope I will have your support in this but I'm also prepared to continue should you decide you can't because I know that God is behind this. I know you must have a lot of questions and I hope you will feel comfortable enough to ask them and I'll to my best to provide the answers but I don't know everything either. Part of this process is choosing a name. I'm telling you this now because I want you to know that I've given a lot of thought to this as well and that I wasn't just waiting on an omen. The name I've chosen for myself is Zavier Nehemiah Alexander DaVonn Heidelberg. It's long but there's no law against that. Zavier has been the name I liked from the very beginning. I wanted my name to be meaningful to me so I looked it up and it meant "new house" and "bright". I was kind of disappointed but decided to make it up with my middle name(s). But when God revealed everything else to me he also opened my eyes to why the meaning is not so random after all. The new house is my new body, a new outer appearance but the inside is still the same. And bright is accurate because with a testimony like this I have no choice but to reflect the light of the world. We visited a church one sunday and the pastor was teaching on Nehemiah. I liked that he cried for the plight of others and thought that described me well. I also liked that he was so passionate about God's business. Nehemiah means comforter and while I may rile your nerves, I tend to have the opposite effect on other people. Alexander means warrior and that's exactly what I'll have to be. I chose to keep DaVonn because I like the ties it has to our family being that it's a combination of my aunt's names and I also like the fact that my mom gave it to me.
There is no way that I could have come up with this on my own and there's no way that all this could fall into place without his help.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Her verbal response was "Is there more? Ok. I have to go, I'll ttyl"
Then her text response was as follows: "im not lookin for a reply. im done. believe/choose what u want. know it has nothing to do with God! i don't agree with the choice or reasoning. idk what else to say rite now. but take it as they come. there will be more. Dinner is fine as far as dland is concerned dont stretch yourself. if you cant afford it dont bother*. ya idk what else to tell you. as of now r&b is over/never was**. friends sure i guess. as ur friend i hope u understand my view still and see that you may still be wrong and you should tell your parents if you're serious cuz its not fair 2 others if u got it easy."
* for her birthday she was going to dinner the day before and to disneyland on the actual day. just an hour ago she was telling me that if I couldn't afford it, her mom was willing to help me out. So that was pretty much her way of uninviting me.
**R&B was the code name for our relationship.
I asked her to explain what she meant by the fair part and she said "No." and then told me that I should tell my parents before the new year because I was lying to them and because she couldn't keep the secret.
I can't say I didn't expect this so I had already prayed about it before hand and the lord brought something I'd heard to mind. I'll post it here for you guys cuz it's helped me a lot.
Some people are like leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away.There ain't no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it's dead it's gone. Let it go!
If somebody wants to walk out of your life, LET THEM GO no matter how much it may hurt, you have to let people go. They will realize what they had, but by then it’s too late. Also we need to realize some people come in to our lives for a season, the others for a lifetime, and to stop getting our lifetime expectations mixed with those seasonal people. I believe these seasonal people are meant to come and teach us one thing, and then for us to go on. Everybody that comes into our lives is like a piece of a tree
Leaves: Unstable as hell, all over the place, and usually just there to take from the tree, never to give
Branches... these you gotta be careful about, they’ll make you think they are a real good friend and strong, but the moment you step out there on them they break and leave you high and dry.
Roots... These are the ones that aren't going anywhere, when you have a few roots in your life it is all you need, because without those roots, the tree could not survive
I'll probably come out to my parents tomorrow so I'll keep you posted.
Over n Out
-Zay
Progress so far
So I finished the first draft of my my coming out letter to my parents. I'm having a friend look over it to make sure it sounds smooth and I want to maybe add something. I'll post the final draft when it's all done. After this one I have potentially 3 more to go: for my gf, for my friends, and for my lil bro.
I've also decided to start taking the steps toward getting T. I was going to call up the LA Gay Center today but they're not open until Monday so hopefully I don't lose my fervor before then.
This Christmas was kind of disappointing. The gifts aren't important but they are appreciated. I have probably mentioned this in previous posts but my mother desperately wants me to be girly. I got money and a post-it holder from my dad, an armband from my brother, a screen protector from my gf...and a sweater dress and earrings from my mother. I literally wanted to cry. I intend on coming out soon so hopefully that ends up being before the return period is over cuz I don't want to hurt her feelings but at the same time she knows I don't like stuff like that regardless of my gender identity so I was kind of hurt that she chose to buy me something she wanted rather than what I wanted.
I've also changed my name. The updated version is Zavier Nehemiah Alexander DaVonn Heidelberg. I'm debating on the spelling of my first name. Zavier, XaVier, Xavier...idk. I like writing Z's in cursive...that's really the only reasoning I have right now and that it'd be easier to pronounce correctly the first time.
I also have the opportunity to come out to a friend tomorrow but I'm not yet quite sure. I think that's it for now. I'm sleepy
Over n Out
--Zay
I've also decided to start taking the steps toward getting T. I was going to call up the LA Gay Center today but they're not open until Monday so hopefully I don't lose my fervor before then.
This Christmas was kind of disappointing. The gifts aren't important but they are appreciated. I have probably mentioned this in previous posts but my mother desperately wants me to be girly. I got money and a post-it holder from my dad, an armband from my brother, a screen protector from my gf...and a sweater dress and earrings from my mother. I literally wanted to cry. I intend on coming out soon so hopefully that ends up being before the return period is over cuz I don't want to hurt her feelings but at the same time she knows I don't like stuff like that regardless of my gender identity so I was kind of hurt that she chose to buy me something she wanted rather than what I wanted.
I've also changed my name. The updated version is Zavier Nehemiah Alexander DaVonn Heidelberg. I'm debating on the spelling of my first name. Zavier, XaVier, Xavier...idk. I like writing Z's in cursive...that's really the only reasoning I have right now and that it'd be easier to pronounce correctly the first time.
I also have the opportunity to come out to a friend tomorrow but I'm not yet quite sure. I think that's it for now. I'm sleepy
Over n Out
--Zay
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The sleepover
was great :) I got called Zay/Xavier and he the whole time and I got to visit the LA Gay & Lesbian center which is probably where I'll be getting my prescription when it's time. My friend had an appt there today. It was a really nice building. Lots of smiley people. Very diverse. Everyone just seemed happy to be there and happy to help. It was also very professional, not a shack or a dilapidated building. They even had gender neutral bathrooms on the 2nd floor.
Then I got back home and right away with the 'she'-ing....
In other news, during the period where I was trying to force myself not to be trans, I hid my binder from myself and I CAN'T FIND IT! I've looked everywhere at home and at school and I really can't find it. But I guess it's ok because I want a different style anyways and when I get my new financial aid check I'll be getting either a 994 or a 983. Both of them would reduce or eliminate the annoying rolling up that binders love to do. Guess that's it for now.
Over n Out
-Zay
Then I got back home and right away with the 'she'-ing....
In other news, during the period where I was trying to force myself not to be trans, I hid my binder from myself and I CAN'T FIND IT! I've looked everywhere at home and at school and I really can't find it. But I guess it's ok because I want a different style anyways and when I get my new financial aid check I'll be getting either a 994 or a 983. Both of them would reduce or eliminate the annoying rolling up that binders love to do. Guess that's it for now.
Over n Out
-Zay
Monday, December 21, 2009
zOMG!!! Sleepoverrrrrr!
I'm going over my friend's house with my other friend. I'm excited because I get to be Zay tonight until tomorrow afternoon :) That is all.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
So!
I've been home a week and it's been painful. On thursday my mom's performing arts school had their christmas recital and my mom made me wear her clothes and heels and earrings. Yesterday I dressed like I would dress any other day and I could see the pain in my mother's eyes wondering where she went wrong or something and she kept sighing and looking into the distance and repeating "are you sure you don't want to wear earrings?"
I just woke up from a dream where I came out to my little brother who then wanted nothing to do with me. My parents didn't want to hear what I had to say and all my friends faded away. But despite the negativity of it, that dream, thursday night and all the young lady comments i've received have really made me want to come out before i go back to school.
So over the next few days, I'm hoping to write seperate letters to my parents, my lil brother, my gf and her family and my friends. After that It's on them. I'll post what I come up with here when I'm done.
I just woke up from a dream where I came out to my little brother who then wanted nothing to do with me. My parents didn't want to hear what I had to say and all my friends faded away. But despite the negativity of it, that dream, thursday night and all the young lady comments i've received have really made me want to come out before i go back to school.
So over the next few days, I'm hoping to write seperate letters to my parents, my lil brother, my gf and her family and my friends. After that It's on them. I'll post what I come up with here when I'm done.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Life Update
So I've been going back and forth on whether or not I was going to really get into this and the answer is yes. Here's why:
Me and my girlfriend have fought a lot about this. She's always tried to talk me out of it in one way or another, showing me different sides, opinions, approaches and solutions which I've tried to adapt to but somehow I could never let this go. The main things holding me back were fear that I was going against God and that I would lose my girlfriend.
But recently I've been praying really hard about this issue because I didn't want either of those outcomes and wanted to just let the issue go. Instead of bringing me the ability to accept what I'd been born as, I couldn't leave it alone. In fact, the more I prayed, the more He revealed to me that this trial, this annoyance, this confusion, this process was all part of His plan. It just took one hint at a time of desperation to reveal all the other hints I'd looked over: my major, choice of school, friends, even the names I'd chosen for myself. XaVier means new house like the new body I'll be creating to match how I feel on the inside. It also means bright as I am to be as a reflection of the light of the world.
I was also worried about losing the love of my life but God has calmed that fear as well. He gave me the story of Abraham and how he was willing to sacrifice what was most important to him here on earth to fulfill God's agenda. My girl promises that we can work together through anything and that nothing will affect our friendship so I just hope this comes under that warranty. I need someone who loves me on a deeper level to help. She's so passionate about what she's involved in that I know it would be good to have her support in this. But I also believe that if we part, we'll end up back together or that if we're not meant to be together forever, the one who was made for me will be found. I'm a firm believer that everything and everyone has a time and a season and I'm trying to appreciate everything that comes into my life for what it is and not try to stretch it or shorten its time and mar the blessing or the lesson. With that said, I love my girl. She's my queen.
I've never felt such peace. I'm thinking more clearly, though just as fast. I'm just happier although I'm anxious hoping I dont miss my cue or jump the gun. I guess that's it for now.
Over n Out
-- bright new house comforter warrior (xavier nehemiah alexander aka zay)
Me and my girlfriend have fought a lot about this. She's always tried to talk me out of it in one way or another, showing me different sides, opinions, approaches and solutions which I've tried to adapt to but somehow I could never let this go. The main things holding me back were fear that I was going against God and that I would lose my girlfriend.
But recently I've been praying really hard about this issue because I didn't want either of those outcomes and wanted to just let the issue go. Instead of bringing me the ability to accept what I'd been born as, I couldn't leave it alone. In fact, the more I prayed, the more He revealed to me that this trial, this annoyance, this confusion, this process was all part of His plan. It just took one hint at a time of desperation to reveal all the other hints I'd looked over: my major, choice of school, friends, even the names I'd chosen for myself. XaVier means new house like the new body I'll be creating to match how I feel on the inside. It also means bright as I am to be as a reflection of the light of the world.
I was also worried about losing the love of my life but God has calmed that fear as well. He gave me the story of Abraham and how he was willing to sacrifice what was most important to him here on earth to fulfill God's agenda. My girl promises that we can work together through anything and that nothing will affect our friendship so I just hope this comes under that warranty. I need someone who loves me on a deeper level to help. She's so passionate about what she's involved in that I know it would be good to have her support in this. But I also believe that if we part, we'll end up back together or that if we're not meant to be together forever, the one who was made for me will be found. I'm a firm believer that everything and everyone has a time and a season and I'm trying to appreciate everything that comes into my life for what it is and not try to stretch it or shorten its time and mar the blessing or the lesson. With that said, I love my girl. She's my queen.
I've never felt such peace. I'm thinking more clearly, though just as fast. I'm just happier although I'm anxious hoping I dont miss my cue or jump the gun. I guess that's it for now.
Over n Out
-- bright new house comforter warrior (xavier nehemiah alexander aka zay)
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