Since It's Technically The Weekend...

...I moved to wordpress :) The new blog is pretty great from what I've tinkered with already. All the stuff I've written on here is now over there (except this one *tear*) so if you ever get nostalgic, I've got you covered. It's also a lot more interactive, which I like. Well, it will be eventually. I'm actually turning in early tonight. But I'll put something up.

Click This-->The Blog on Wordpress <--Click That
                                   ^        ^
                                Click Here

What The Heck?!

So yesterday I got a message from my friend's older sister. She and my friend are both pk's (pastor's kids).Her son and I share a birthday and she wanted to know what I was doing on our special day. She also asked how my parents were handling my "life changing decision". I wasn't really sure how to answer that. I mean I knew what the answer was but these days I want to be careful of who I trust with what. I told her that they thought I was doing this to them and that we'd gone to some ex-gay therapy. This was her response:

Hahaha! Yeah Indiana is probably nobodies first choice, lol! Do you love UCLA? I'm sorry to hear about the chasm between you and your parents. God is going to hem that gap one day. Do you want kids? In telling you, it wasn't until [husband] and I had [son] (he's great by the way) that we started to understand the job of a parent. I wish all of our parents were perfect but I realize that our parents are just us 30 years ago, trying to figure out how not to mess us up. Many times it's a failed mission and the pain they feel for seemingly not succeeding is only something you can experience once you become a parent. Saying all that to say, if you haven't already, attempt to see your parents for who they really are; they're you and me--they are two partially empty vessels trying to fill is up.

Anyway, love you and come visit me..,

She was pretty neutral but I like that she encouraged me to see my parents as humans and not omniscient. I also like that she added "if you already haven't". I feel like a lot of people assume that I haven't considered anything even when I say that I have. She's proved that there's a way to encourage without being condescending, so there. Not just saying that for my situation but wording and tone are very important with whoever you're talking to or whatever you're talking about, especially when there are feelings involved.

Yesterday I also put a status on facebook that read:

If I see "no homo" one more time... Just because you're nice, stylish, or pay someone a compliment does not mean you're gay. If people would stop making themselves vulnerable behind that phrase, people would realize that those are HUMAN qualities and not gay ones.

It got a bunch of likes and a few comments. The last of which was from a friend's mom who is the wife of a pastor and therefore a minister herself. She wrote:

Amen. God made us one and all...And we are created in HIS image! to love one another! 

It's short and simple, but boy is it sweet! When I came out to my friend, she said that if I needed a 2nd mom, her mom was available. I thanked her but I'm not sure if I really believed her. Now I can see that she knew what she was talking about. I probably won't be spilling my heart out soon because I don't want to put anyone in a awkward position between my parents and me, but just knowing that people I know stand up for unconditional love.

I got to thinking about it and I realized that these are the kinds of people my mom told me not to hang out with. Not specifically, but I guess they'd fall under the category of "those people" or at least borderline. And then I thought about all the people my mom told me weren't Christian or "real Christians": Gays, gay-enablers or anyone who thinks being gay is anything but sin, catholics, people who don't go to church, people who are pro-choice, and the list goes on. I'm sitting in my parents room watching tv and all of a sudden I thought to myself, "What the heck?!" How could she say all that? Cuz now I have to unlearn all that stuff. And it's not true! And I'm glad it's not. I'm still sitting here shaking my head.

In other news, first day of work was pretty great. Lakers totally stole my heart tonight. But just for tonight. Tomorrow I'm officially re-neutral. My mom also talked to me about starting back with "therapy" in July. I'm going to write down my biblical arguments in a little notebook I've reserved for that purpose since April. I have no intention in going back to ex-gay therapy but I realize that I don't choose my path, only how long it will take. Also working on finishing up my website. Only links left to go. 

Wishing you the very best

--Zay

Internalized Transphobia & Doubt

I don't want this to be too long but it's been something I've wanted to talk about for a while. I started sharing my personal experiences online because I wanted to have a record of my personal growth and progress over time, I needed a place to air my thoughts and emotions, to be part of a community, and because I wanted to help people like others have helped me by sharing. So with those in mind, I don't want to misrepresent myself or my experiences.

I don't want it to seem like I am living my life completely unaffected by the thoughts and opinions of others. There are times when I doubt if will really be happier, or if this is what God wants me to do. I still catch myself thinking of lgbt people as "wrong" or "wayward" or what have you. I wonder if God is really ok with being gay or transgender. I sometimes view myself as a freak and worry about my trans "status" making me a perpetual liar. I think about all the money for the surgeries and flights and hotel rooms, I think about having to stick myself every week for at least 5 years, I think about the scars I'll have on my chest and wonder if it's all worth it. And I don't think I'm ever 100% sure. I tend to oscillate between 98.5 and 48%.  But I try to step out on faith slowly but steadily and trust that if I'm headed in the wrong direction, God will let me know. In addition to praying,  I also ask myself a lot of questions and answer as honestly as possible. I look at the strength, courage, and direction of The Sanctuary Collective and others with the same calling. I also ask God for affirmation and it always comes but not necessarily right away.

Anyways that's what I wanted to say about that. I'm also very seriously considering moving my blog to wordpress. Very strongly. It just seems more versatile and professional. More things come standard and it's easier to add things. If anyone has objections, let me know (I don't know what it's like on the viewing end). I'll probably move it this weekend.

I'm also going shopping with my mom when she comes back at 7. So I'm sure I'll have something to say.

Stay up, folks
--Zay

Supersleep, supersleep, he's supersleepy

So I am too tired to really write about anything deep but when I do get the energy, it'll be on the phrase "I don't agree with 'it' but I love you anyway". Let me wet your pallet by saying that it's a stupid phrase.

If you like poetry click here, here, here, here, and here.*

When I get more energy I will also talk about the extent of my averageness and how that relates to something else (I forgot).

Today was also my brother's 8th grade promotion. He got an award for music. We "watched" the laker game via text updates on espn, made cool pictures** in the car with glowsticks, and we just finished spooning. Yay for sibs.

Hoping this post finds you well.

--Zay

*Sorry. Too tired. I'll show you later. Promise.
**Remind me to show you guys pics of my satchel, phone case, the clothes I emailed my mom, the neon pics we took tonight and whatever else I always said I should and didn't.

A Short One

Didn't have much contact with my mom today other than doing this flyer for her. I saw my dad twice, and me and my brother watched Unnatural History on Cartoon Network. It's pretty awesome. This guy who travelled the world to become a monk (at least that's what my brother said) had to come back to the U.S. and he solves mysteries based on the knowledge he's acquired from his world travels. New episodes come on Sundays at 8pm PST.

The one thing that did happen is while I was making breakfast, my mom looked at our refrigerate which has a bunch of pictures taped on it. At the top left is one of the thank you cards I sent out for my high school graduation. There's a spot that was on all of them that looks like a bleach stain. It's been there since we ordered them but today she says "who spilled something on my picture?" and then while trying and failing to wipe it off, "that's not ok". I hate that picture. Every time I want a hot pocket I have to look at it. Firstly, I'm in a dress. My hair was long and poofy. Not to mention I had make up on and none of it was by choice. No one cared what I thought or how I felt. Apparently, it was their graduation just like its become her picture and I don't think I need to spell out why.

I'd also like to call an end to the "no homo" era. When eating chicken or watermelon, do white people go "no negro"? Or when you pronounce all the letters in your words do you say "no anglo". I think it has to do a whole bunch with society especially in minority communities where being gay is seen, in ignorance, as a white luxury. I feel like every time I hear that phrase I die a little inside. Just a tiny piece of my heart chips off. But don't worry, the piece grows back.

Anything else? Oh. My phone clip came today. I walked around the house all day with basketball shorts and a football jersey...and my phone clip. If anyone is having self-esteem issues, I recommend you get a phone clip.

I've also realized that I feel trapped in this house. That's why I'm investing in a bike. I want to be able to just go out when I need to get out without a set destination. I definitely feel myself slipping into a place I don't want to be. I'm going shopping with my mom tomorrow downtown. Please wish me luck.

Hope all is well with you guys
--Zay

Oh one more thing. Read this please *bats eyelashes* It's time for Christians to stop being cowards.

That Other Stuff

Hello all. It's somewhere around day 5 of this challenge. First I just want to share something with you that I saw on Tumblr:

You get so tired. You get so sick of the homophobia, the sexism, the culture of rape jokes and wife beating cartoons. But today you can take 30 seconds and smile. Somewhere right now there is a daddy dancing along while his femmy boy sings Lady Gaga. Somewhere right now there is a little girl suiting up to go play football with her peewee team. Somewhere there is a woman taking off the clothes she hates and pulling on a pair of pants. And there are boys holding hands in front of Dairy Queen and there are girls on their first date at the mall. There is a mom driving her son to the court so he can change his name from Brittney to Brandon. There is a family supporting their daughter after she reveals sexual abuse. There is a foster parent hesitantly walking into his first PFLAG meeting. And there exists more freedom, more equality, more safety than has ever existed before in the history of humanity. Of course it’s not enough. But it is amazing just the same. And you have done this. This did not happen despite our tears and our sweat, our humiliation and betrayal. This happened because of it.

Keep fighting.

Keep being that “annoying” dude pointing out every sexist remark.

Keep voting.

Keep protesting.

And don’t you EVER let the other side get you down. They know that wearing you out is all they have left. What they do not know is that because of you, their children are safer. Because of you, our schools talk about bullying. Because of you, sexual harassment is illegal at their place of business.

you’re doing it right.

Good, right? And definitely a needed encouragement for a lot of people, including me. I just saw a spider crawl under my desk. That means tomorrow I'm either waking up with a swollen body part or waking up having digested more protein than I intended.

Today I want to talk about Christians, the status quo and I guess some stuff about how I'm feeling since being at home. Let's start with the last thing. I guess since I've been home, things have been pretty good. There hasn't been nearly as much "subliminal" coaxing that I can tell. My mom did have reservations about me going to graduation at my high school which I was fully aware of but 1) I wasn't going to let her stop me from supporting my friends and 2) I really wanted to see some of my favorite teachers. I stayed much longer than I probably should have but my dad picked me up and didn't seem to care that it was dark outside and no one else was milling around the parking lot. I got to eat with, talk to, and just see some people that are very important to me. When I was ready to go, she did sigh when she saw what I was wearing, but in that same instant she also lost a document she'd been working on so I'm going to just blame it on that and she didn't stall very much when it was time to drive me outside of mourning the loss of her document. The only thing that has really bugged me is the fact that I feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter. I know she's telling her friends things. At the very least they've been told to pray for me but I know some of them know the whole story. It's hard for me to just say hi or want to be around them when I know they're praying against me. I get confused all the time because of it. I know my mom is praying for me to change my mind while I'm praying for God to give me strength. I came out so that I could be free to be myself. I wanted to give my mom a reason for why she's never really had a daughter. Now I feel like every masculine thing I do makes her upset but she doesn't say anything so she won't "run me away" as she's said to me before. I sent her some pictures of girls' clothes for work because I personally don't want to fight like we do every time we shop. I don't feel like wandering through the girls' section looking through everything and finding one thing or nothing while trying not to think about how much I wish I could be in the boys' section. I could tell she was happy and excited. She probably thought the Lord had answered her prayers and told all her friends I was making progress. But just like every other time, I only did it to avoid her sighs, pouts, and speeches. In line with learning to be patient is  having to embrace a name I never have. I've never really liked my name and always preferred to stay at home so I wouldn't have to introduce myself. I wished I had a different name to go by but I didn't. Now that I have another one, it's hard for me to tolerate it like I once did when I had no other option. I don't get mad when people don't use it since no one knows it, it only upsets me that I can't tell them what I prefer to be called because it'd get back around to my parents and that it'd be an issue.

I want to talk about the "status quo". On Wednesday my mom said something that kind of pissed me off. We were out eating and being the idealist I am, I was telling her how to improve something or other. She basically said something like "well that's just the way life is". It's not necessarily what she said that made me angry because it's true, that is the way life is...for now. But I feel like she was only giving me that line because it was something she could accept. But not everyone is built the same. I thought to myself "what if someone had just decided that being black meaning that you were a natural slave was 'just the way it was'?" Or what about something like gay-marriage? Would she be able to accept it as "just the way things are"? Well first of all, she better get ready. But secondly, anyone who knows my mom knows that, for now, that answer is no and she would do whatever she could to change it, even if it meant just praying more than usual. My parents were born in the 50s and so they were both changing the world just by living their lives, but she doesn't understand that for the most part, that's everyone else's story too. I also understand that she's a mom and she wants to give advice but my dreamer's spirit didn't just appear overnight. I feel like telling people that "that's just the way it is" is a vicious cycle. If they believe it, they will just tell others who might believe them too until everybody just thinks that their voice and ideas have nothing to offer the world. The people who don't believe it are viewed as crazy and people think that since they didn't have enough sense to stop dreaming, they'll put a stop to it themselves. But thank God for those who keep at it cuz the world would suck without them. I just hate that people pass around the idea that the way things are is the way they will be until someone else decides. It can be us. It should be us. It's been us little people with huge hearts and open minds. 

Last but not least, Christians. I'm really starting not to like them. When someone mentions the bible or God, I just tune out and when people say they're Christian, I turn up my nose like some of the Atheists I know. I've even considered not calling myself Christian anymore but then I realized that that would do more harm than good. I just hate to see people act like they're God's favorite. I realized that part of the reason I dislike going to church is because they tell people what they ought to be doing. They ought to come to church every Sunday, they ought to quit drinking and smoking, they ought to stop sleeping around, they ought to read their bible every day. My thing is that what people really need to know about is God. If you tell them about God's strength, they'll lean on him. If you tell them about God's grace, they can forgive themselves and other people. Today part of the pastor's message was "I hope you fail". He was saying that he hopes we get so low that we run to the end of ourselves and have no choice but to call on him*. That's exactly how I got where I am now so be careful what you pray for. lol

Lastly I just wanted to talk about Christians and their holier than thou attitude when it comes to homosexuality and abortion. They're not the same, but people have no problem picking up a sign to let you know how angry God is with those who "practice" either. When you decided to be a Christian, you decided to pick up your cross and follow Jesus. Christians started out being persecuted and throughout history there have been times when we were left alone but we are here to struggle peacefully but to stand firmly in our convictions. We're here to deliver the good news, not force it down people's throats. I don't agree with laws based on Christian morals because God doesn't force us to do anything so what makes people think that he wants them to force things onto people. Even Thomas Jefferson said that no laws were to be made based on religious values. Don't get the idea that God is winning if no one has a choice. That's not his MO. We are soldiers in his army but the battle is not ours, it's God's (2 Chronicles 20:15). That's why he gave us the sword of spirit, not the sword of the steel, the tongue, or the picket sign.

Here's one of my favorite songs that corresponds with this.

Here's a site I just stumbled on today. A good portion of them are sad, but a lot are happy too. Either way, most of them will really make you think if you allow em to :) Don't stop dreaming

Oh! PS I start work on Thursday :D/ :-/

Hope your week starts off great

--Zay

Red, Dreads & Bread (and some other stuff)

I'll just start off by saying that I am seriously failing in all my goals except this one. Here's hoping that changes. Moving right along...

Yesterday when I got home, I realized I'd started my period. Because I've been on depo provera since November, it was barely anything and I'm pretty sure it's done or on its way out now. Last time I got it on my brother's birthday...in the line for Riddler's Revenge. Lame. I had discomfort instead of cramps and it was done by the next day. This time there was nothing :D  So that was the red. Now for the dreads.

I have wanted dreads since at least 5th grade and now since my parents are insisting I grow my hair out to "honor them" (as in "Honor thy father and mother"), I figure I might as well take advantage of that. However, it's just now come to my attention that my hair is thin and I feel like there won't be enough hair for it to look decent. I also have to consider my job. When dreads are just starting out, they look crazy. I've also thinking about shaving the sides and fading the back and leaving it curly on top. The only thing is that I have an odd shaped head. I am just at a loss for what to do with my hair. Tomorrow I am getting some conditioner that will hopefully make it look better because I'm starting to look crazy.

And bread. This is more like...advice...or something. If you are near a Quiznos, they have this awesome deal where you can get 2 things (a bullet, a sammie, soup, or chopped salad) for just $5. I had it yesterday and again today with my mom. Both times I got the turkey pesto bullet with pan asian salad the first time and classic cobb salad today. Both were delicious. Oh! I also get them to put bacon on my sandwich. Next time I'm going to try a sammie and the chili. But everything's been delicious and it's $5 and a perfect portion. Go now.

I had a few other things to talk about but since I made a checklist of what I wanted to talk about throughout the day (which is maybe why this blog sounds so choppy (and cuz I'm tired)), I'll remember for tomorrow.

I hope wherever you are and whoever you are, you're having a good day and appreciating yourself.

--Zay